She had to see Thomas and tell him everything, that she loves him and wants to marry him. She didn't care that she was from a different time and reality—she should be with the man she loved, and who loved her with all this heart. First, though, she needed to clear things up with Matthew, and give him an answer to his proposal. She didn't look forward to that, knowing what she decided to tell him... but it has to be done.
That night, after she spoke with Mrs. Crawley at the hospital, Mandy sat in the drawing room, which was lit by lamps in the room and the low evening light came through the window. She had come home from work an hour before, and knew that Matthew came home about an hour-and-half after her, at 6:30. Her heart pounded as she sat there on the sofa, staring at the unlit fireplace, her sweaty hands deep in her lap. She jumped a little when she heard the front door open, and her heart pounded harder in anxiousness, hitting her chest with each beat. She took a deep breath and smoothed out her white blouse and plum-purple skirt. The door to the drawing room opened.
"Mandy," came the familiar male voice. "You're home. Where's Mother?"
She smiled at him, a forced smile, as he walked in front of her, and she had to hold her breath at his extremely good-looking appearance—gray suit with a light-blue tie, which made his beautiful blue eyes seem even more big and blue. His blonde hair also shined.
"Um... she's not home yet," Mandy replied. "Late day at the hospital."
"I see."
He stood there for a few moments, staring at her, a cute smirk on his face. Why does he have to look so darn hot now of all times? "You look beautiful," he said.
She gulped, trying to compose herself and her heating cheeks. "Thank you."
He sat down in the beige armchair facing her and met her gaze again. He said in a low tone, "Have you thought about it?"
She knew exactly what he meant. She pursed her lips, knowing what her answer was. "I did. It was all I could think about since you asked me. It kept me awake at night thinking about it."
"I'm sorry I cost you a good night's sleep," he said with a chuckle. "I admit that I lost sleep as well."
"I guess we both have that effect each other."
"I suppose so."
The clock on the fireplace mantle ticked away as they sat there, Mandy trying to form how she would start her answer to his proposal. "Um... Matthew..."
"Yes, darling?"
Her heart jumped. He wasn't making this any easier for her. "Matthew, I really did think about it, and..." She twisted some fabric on her purple skirt. It took all her courage to say, "I can't."
She imagined what he face would look like after she revealed her answer to him, and she wasn't surprised in the least to see his gleeful eyes and smile on his face disappear. His lips lowered to a frown and he looked to the side, away from her gaze. The atmosphere in the room suddenly turned thick and uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry," she said, "but... I don't think it would be right. I mean... me? The heiress of Downton?"
"That wouldn't matter, Mandy," he said gloomily. "You know I don't care about class."
"It would matter, Matthew. I don't think people would be happy if the inheritor of Downton married a previous housemaid-turned accountant."
His lips pursed together, and he met her gaze, his eyes sad. "Is that all that's keeping you? You love me, don't you?"
"Yes, but..."
"Then why bother caring about all the other things when you love me and I love you?"
"Because the other things are important. Especially when..."
She stopped. Could she really say this to him? Break his heart like she did Thomas's?
"When what?" he prodded.
She took a deep breath and let it out. She had to say it. Just as Thomas deserved to know why she rejected him, Matthew deserved to know why she rejected him as well. "I'm sorry, Matthew, but... there's someone else. There has been all along. I just never told you."
He stared at her, and his brows began to crease at this revelation. He gulped down emotion and looked away.
"I'm sorry," she said again. "I just... I felt horrible letting it go farther than it should've gone with us. It's just... you made me feel cared about and loved. I guess I just lost myself in all the attention and I didn't want to do anything to stop it."
He shook his head at he stared at the floor. "Don't apologize, Mandy. I was the one who pushed you and doted on you. I was a bloody fool for doing that. I caused so much trouble, especially with Mary and her family."
Mandy sensed that he did still care about Mary. Maybe not loved her like before, but still cared for her in his way, and cared about her family since it was his as well. "We both did, and I broke someone's heart because of it... broke it a few times, actually."
He studied her for a moment, and the clock continued ticking in the background. "Are you referring to the footman Thomas?"
Her eyes widened and her mouth opened in surprise. "You knew about Thomas?"
He sighed and sat up in his seat. "Well... I just noticed the way he looked at you when you came out of the motor before dinner the other night, and glances you made at one another during said dinner... and when he stopped to whisper something to you in the library. I didn't want to think anything of it, but I couldn't help but do so. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before."
This couldn't be happening! He knew about her and Thomas all along! "I'm sorry," was all she could say.
"What happened between you and Thomas?"
"Too many things."
"I apologize... Whatever happened was mostly my fault. He was right there listening and watching as everything unfolded. It probably wasn't easy for him."
"It wasn't. He's really fragile."
Matthew nodded. Mandy couldn't keep it from him... "Matthew, Thomas proposed to me."
His mouth opened in surprise. "Proposed?"
She nodded. "Yes, and I said no. I had to because..."
"Because of me."
She met his eyes. Her silence was enough answer for him.
"I'm terribly sorry." He stood up near the fireplace and leaned his arm on the mantle, his back to her. "I threw a brick into everything—my chances with Mary, your happiness with the man you love... I ruined everything."
Mandy went and stood next to him as he stared hard into the fireplace, frowning. "It's not all your fault, Matthew."
"But a lot of it is," he said hotly and looked over at her, his eyes fierce. "It is, Mandy. I knew you were right when you said there would be repercussions, but I stubbornly and selfishly moved forward anyway."
Tears stung her eyes at his outburst, and she looked away from him. She heard him sigh in frustration. "I'm sorry, Mandy. I shouldn't have blown up at you."
"You had a right to. I lied to you this whole time..."
"Did you ever love me?"
She met his weary and bloodshot eyes. She swallowed emotion, which felt like a huge rock in her throat. "Yes, I think I did. At least, I was infatuated with you, and I loved being around you."
He nodded. "I guess that's all I'm going to get. I'll treasure that. Truly."
She put hand on his tense shoulder. "I'm glad, and... I'm sorry again. I really hope we can still be friends."
"Of course we can." They exchanged soft looks with one another, and then he looked back into the fireplace. "Will you excuse me, Mandy? I need to think."
She pursed her lips and nodded. "Okay."
She walked out the door to leave, and when she was about to shut it, she peeked through the small gap and saw Matthew walk away from the fireplace and sit back down in the armchair. He ran a hand down his face and kept his hand covering his mouth. From the light around, she could see his eyes redden more and water. Her chest tightened when she saw a tear escape his eye. She shut the door quietly.
She hurt him, too. She never thought that she would utterly break the hearts of two amazing men—fictional men from a TV show.
It had to happen. At least she knew that one man out of the two would be happy. She was anxious to talk to Thomas.