After that incident with Hanbin, Jisoo kept a strange distance from me. Even when she came over for lunch, it seemed like she had an evasive attitude. She didn't cook or stay to eat with me, merely bringing over a bento and leaving immediately afterwards. She avoided looking me in the eye or talking about trivial stuff like usual. I also noticed that she didn't smile so much anymore, always having a gloomy expression on her face. The few times I tried confronting her about it, she simply shrugged it off as being busy or tired.
Well, if she didn't want to tell me, there was nothing I could do about it. Not like I could just read her mind and find out the mystery behind her abnormal behavior. But I had to admit that it made me feel rather upset. I kind of missed our talks during lunch, or her silly cheerful smile. Could it be that I had gotten used to her presence so much that it made her absence all the more painful? Previously, being alone was natural and felt comfortable, so why was it that now I was feeling so restless, like something was amiss?
Things continued in this manner for a week, until one Thursday night, when something ludicrous happened. Even now when I think about it, I still find it perplexing.
I had just finished taking a shower and was about to lie down in bed and read for a while, when I heard noises coming from the door. The cat and I both stared in the direction of the entrance as if we were expecting aliens to pop out of nowhere.
At first, I thought it might be some neighbor walking past my door and hitting it with something but when the noise kept going on and off, I decided to go and check it out.
I looked through the peephole but I couldn't see clearly. There seemed to be someone in front of the door, trying to use a key to unlock it. The small light on the corridor cast a flickering shadow over the person's face and then, to my utter surprise, I saw Jisoo's side profile.
Confused, I cracked the door open and was about to ask what was going on, when the door was pushed open and Jisoo strode inside my apartment like she owned the place. When she rushed past me, I could smell a strong scent of alcohol and cigarettes. So, it appeared she had been out drinking and had one too many glasses, which led her to mistake my house for hers.
She was holding a key in one hand, while brushing her disheveled hair with the other. Her scarf was askew and two buttons of her shirt were undone, revealing a good portion of her skin.
Jisoo's drunken gaze circled around the apartment several times, until it finally settled on me.
"Ah, this is Lisa. Why is she here?"
"Hah? This is my house, you idiot. Obviously, I'd be here."
"Why do I keep seeing her in front of me? This is bad, really bad. I keep dreaming about her and thinking about her so much that I see her face whenever I close my eyes and now even when I keep them open."
What?! What nonsense is this idiot spouting now? Has she drunk so much that her brain became mush and she cannot think straight? Or has she gone silly from overwork?
"Really, I know I like women but I'm so infatuated with her that it's beginning to scare me."
"Well, that makes two of us. You're really scaring me right now. So, Jisoo, please wake up and go home."
"No! I'm not leaving unless you come with me."
"Why would I go with you?! This is my house!"
"You have to come with me." Jisoo continued to ramble. "There are so many things I wanna show you. Being cooped up in this house all the time is not good."
Ah, so now she realizes this is in fact my house and not hers. Good, we're finally getting somewhere. Maybe I'll be able to make her go away soon.
I was really too naive to think that way, though.
"The world is such a beautiful place, Lisa-yah. You have to see more of the world." Jisoo said, a lopsided grin forming on her face. I had to admit that she looked quite comical.
"I'm seeing enough of the world right now and I have to say I don't like it very much. So, would you please go away and take away the world with you?" I asked in desperation.
And in order to get my point across I also began shoving her body towards the doors, hoping I'd be able to throw her out quickly.
However, it seemed that I underestimated the level of stubbornness a drunkard has. Instead of cooperating with me, Jisoo pushed herself against the wall and clung to me like a desperate lizard about to drown. The more I tried to pry her off of me, the tighter her hold became. Eventually, I had to call it quits and give up on throwing her off. This girl was really too strong even while inebriated.
"Lisa, do you like me?" Jisoo unexpectedly asked, giving me a sudden jolt of surprise. My heart thumped loudly and I almost smacked her across the head. Who asks such a question directly like that?!
"What are you talking about?! Of course, I don't like you!" I barked, feeling my cheeks heating up.
"Tsk, so mean. You are so mean Lalisa." She pouted and whined.
"Yes, yes, I am mean and awful. So why don't you get along somewhere else?" I snapped, giving her a harsh shove.
I never really had patience with drunk people. They always talk nonsense and never remember anything the next day. Just like this girl. She's been acting weird for days, not telling me what's wrong and now she comes here like this and acts out on the account of alcohol? As if I would care for her!
That shove, though, seemed to have attracted her attention, because the next moment she stopped struggling and stared at me fixedly. Her gaze was blurry and unfocused, but her eyes had a peculiar glow inside them. It felt intense, as if she was scanning me and seeing right through my soul. I tried to repress a shudder, while backing away from her. However, that triggered her into action.
It took her only a single step to reach me, her arms wrapping around my body like two hungry snakes. A moment later she tiptoed and her face came closer and closer, until all I could see were her eyes. Then, her lips were touching mine and she was kissing me. It wasn't a gentle touch, nor the awkward movement one would imagine from someone this drunk. No, her lips were kissing me with a smoldering passion, her tongue chasing mine like a hungry hound chasing its prey. I could feel the urgency and the rising heat of her feelings through every single touch. Her hold was becoming more and more unbearable and I felt faint from the lack of oxygen.
Maybe it was because my mind became fuzzy from the shock, but I thought I heard some whispers lingering inside my mind. Softly, gently like butterflies, they were swirling inside my head desperately trying to cross over that barrier. For the first time, I could even hear sporadic words but they were interrupted by the same static sound, like a broken-down radio.
Lisa... Lalisa ... I ... Lisa... you... please... look at... Lisa...
I couldn't hear a single proper sentence and the words soon faded away.
Just when I was about to struggle further in order to regain my freedom, Jisoo suddenly stopped her actions. The next second I felt her body dropping down, pressing heavily onto me. It appeared that she lost consciousness due to the alcohol and was sliding onto the floor, while dragging me down with her.
"Jisoo-ya! Kim Jisoo! If you dare to forget everything you've done to me tonight, I swear I'll crack your skull open and force you to remember every single thing if it's the last thing I do." I said, seething with anger.
First being harassed, then forcefully kissed and now pressed down on the floor by an unconscious lump of meat. This definitely proved to be a memorable night for me.
Just as expected, the next morning Jisoo couldn't remember a single thing. And the fact that we had been in a state of cold war before made the current situation even more embarrassing.
"Uhm, Lisa, why am I here?" She asked in confusion when she saw herself lying on my sofa.
"Oddly enough, I was going to ask you the same thing." I retorted while holding a cup of coffee, leaning against the wall across from her.
"Could it be that... Did I come here... by myself?" She asked tentatively.
"Do you think I went downtown and kidnapped you last night while you were dead drunk?" I snapped, feeling a strong urge to hit this absurd person with something large and preferably deadly.
"No, uhm yes, you're right, ha-ha." She dared to laugh, scratching her head in awkwardness. "I must have come here by myself. Last night we had a drinking party with everybody from the editorial department and I must have overdone it. I apologize for barging in like this and causing you trouble. I hope I didn't do anything too shameful, did I?"
Her hopeful gaze only lit the fire of malice inside my chest. I wanted to viciously lay out to her everything she did and see how her innocent expression changes. I wanted to see the color fading from her eyes when she realizes just how much she had embarrassed herself in front of me. Especially after she had avoided me like that for so many days.
"Oh..." I began, feeling an insidious smile curving my lips. "Depends on what you want me to begin with. Perhaps the drunken confession of infatuation? Or ... better yet, the lame kiss you've given me right before you lost consciousness?"
The effect was exactly as I had expected. The moment my words fell, Jisoo's expression changed abruptly. Her face paled to a deathly white, her lips trembled and her eyes ogled at me like that of a dying fish. I felt satisfied and considered it my payment for the hassle I went through last night. Therefore, I decided to be merciful and spare her life.
"Don't worry too much." I said waving a hand leisurely. "I don't take to heart what a drunk person says or does."
Jisoo later left without saying much except for a bout of apologies and assurances that it will never happen again.
As I was watching her back disappearing behind the door, I suddenly remembered the heated kiss we shared last night. I may have been mean when I called it lame earlier, since it truly had been a very arousing kiss. But I wasn't going to admit that to Jisoo in case she starts having weird thoughts about it. Besides, her mumbles and declarations must have been the result of alcohol intoxication. It wasn't really true that she likes me, was it? I never picked up anything like that from her and she also didn't say it upfront, therefore, surely, it cannot be true.
With these confusing thoughts I kept myself busy for the rest of the day, being unable to reach a satisfying conclusion. Therefore, I simply decided to stop thinking and forget about it. With her recent avoidance, Jisoo must have already put it behind her by now.
Reaching up to this point, I began feeling dejected. What will happen now? Will she continue to avoid me? After all, it wasn't like she was supposed to do all those things for me. She's my editor and maybe we have gotten closer to being friends, but that still didn't mean we had any other type of relationship. Maybe reverting back to a simple author-editor rapport is just natural.
Before I could fall further down in my gloom, the phone suddenly rang. It was Cheshir. I sighed deeply when I saw her name showing on the screen. This person... she surely knows how to pick the times when to call.
"Lisa-aaahhh~~~! I hope you're at home because I am on my way to you." Cheshir's loud voice came through the phone.
"If you wanted to make sure that I was at home you should have called before leaving for my place."
"Oh, does that mean you're not there?"
"No, I'm home. You can come over." I said in a monotonous voice.
"Alright. I'll be there in five minutes. Get ready to talk."
"Eh? Talk about what?"
"About what's going on with you? I'm picking up unhappy vibes from your voice."
Before I could reply, Cheshir had already hung up. So, she already figured out something was wrong with me just from this conversation? Such sharp senses... Sometimes it made me wonder if she also possessed special abilities like me.
True to her word, Cheshir arrived in five minutes, and began 'the questioning' the moment she took a seat on the couch.
That day I told Cheshir everything that had happened, including the meeting with director Kim and the drunken debacle from last night. Maybe because I was feeling down, or perhaps because I was beginning to yearn for something I missed. Either way, I wanted to pour out all the confusing thoughts, hoping that by letting them out I could somehow make better sense of things.
After listening to what I had to say, Cheshir remained silent for a few moments. After what felt like an eternity, she finally spoke.
"You should have at least fed her some hangover food. Letting her leave like that... You're so heartless, Lisa-ah." Cheshir chided me with a teasing glint in her eyes.
"What are you saying?!" I puffed up like an angry cat. "After the way she acted you think I would give her food? That would be like rewarding a dog for biting me. There's no way I would do such an illogical thing." I huffed in irritation.
"You say that but I wonder if you really disliked it that much. Didn't you enjoy it, even a little bit?"
"I didn't! Not even one bit!"
"I don't think that's true." Cheshir shook her head slowly. "Otherwise, why would you feel this conflicted?"
After a short pause she continued, her tone neutral.
"You like her, don't you? Jisoo, I mean. And not just as an editor or a friend, but more like a partner."
Her question buzzed in my ears seconds after the sound faded. Was what Cheshir said really true? Could it be possible that I really liked Jisoo in that way? It's true that I didn't find the kiss disgusting and if I had to be very honest, I would say I didn't quite dislike it. But from that to thinking about feelings, wasn't it too big of a leap? But if I really did have feelings for her in a romantic way, when did they begin? And how come I never realized it before?
"Do I... really like her?" I questioned, staring blankly at the floor.
"You don't need me to tell you that. The answer is inside your heart. Just sort out those tangled thoughts of yours first and you'll be able to figure everything out."
"Yep. I'll think about it." I replied almost mechanically.
"Good. Also, one more thing. I know all these years you've kept yourself away from human interactions for fear of being hurt, but don't you think it's time for a change? After all, giving up an entire basket of apples just because of a few spoiled ones... isn't that too wasteful? Isn't it better to just throw away the bad ones and keep the good ones for yourself? In the end, life isn't made of happy moments only. Some bad things will surely happen from time to time. But it's our choice whether we focus on the good or the bad. If you get too caught up in suffering from a past setback, you might lose the chance to take a step forward into a brighter future."
Then, I felt a warm hand placed on top of my head and an even warmer voice resounded in my head.
You just have to believe in yourself, Lisa. Everything will be alright. And if it won't... well let's just worry about that when and if it happens.
Honestly, Cheshir was really amazing, always knowing exactly what to say to make me feel less confused and conflicted.
"Thank you, Ha Yubin."
"Ooh, what is this? Have I gotten an upgrade?" Cheshir cried out, taking back her hand.
"I just thought it was time for a change." I said with a smile.
Indeed, it was time for a change, one that was long overdue. But will I really be able to take that step forward towards this change? Will I be able to break free from this current me and move closer to a new, better version of myself?
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