( CHAPTER ONE && FIRE LIT UPON MY TONGUE )
❝ icarus is flying towards an early grave. ❞
—
MORTALS ARE DRAWN to the primordial protection of humanity; the progenitor of fire. Orange, brilliant equatorial flames that desecrated the cold, bringing warmth and light to the darkness. It's the innate desire in all to want to seek out the element of vehemence; one that sparks of desire and yearning. But slowly, this desire comes to consume one's own mind— the greed and avarice of a mortal brings upon the downfall of humanity. Hubristic intent to want more than simple material belongings will cause the ravenous mortals to burn until only ashes remain.
A myth, told as a cautionary tale to children, once brought on the subject of hubris and primordial fire. Of how this boy tried to reach the heavens with his flawed, mortal wings. He flew high, soaring above mountains and high atop the waves but as he drew closer to the heavenly sphere of light, his wings melted apart and he came crashing down to earth. Consumed by the ocean waves he had once soared above, he is drowned in the antithetical element as mortality caught him at last.
Children were told that the consequences of their own growing hubristic intentions to replicate the boy could result in their own downfall. Though many heeded the cautionary tale, some did not.
And for those who did not, they chose to chase after their hearts. To chase after the impulse that only grew far more intense as years passed. Naïvety could shield them no longer as the consequences of playing with fire began to rear its ugly heads. There was a longing for the sun, a longing to be united with the genial celestial body and as a consequence, those dreamers burned. No mortal could ever reach the sun, the gods simply did not allow it. The skies, stars, moon, and all heavenly arrays above were nothing more than lies to please the children with dreams of reaching Celestia. But those were mere dreams, simple fairy tales and myths that did not exist.
And for those who tried, they were punished for their act of arrogance against the heavens.
IT WAS NEARLY two in the afternoon when you had finally woken from your heavy drinking with Kaeya from the night before.
As you lifted your head from your messy bed, you felt the head rush of an intense hangover hit you like a pile of bricks. Immediately, the sensation of bile crept up your throat, and threatened to make an appearance. You clasped a hand over your mouth as you pushed yourself out of your unkempt bedroom and rushed to the bathroom right beside.
Cold, brick tiles met your barren feet as you pushed past the door of your bedroom and threw yourself over the sink— feeling sickly as you gagged violently. None of last nights' partying made an appearance but the sensation did not leave you unscathed. Tears wet your eyes as you hacked and coughed until you pushed the bile down to your stomach once more.
(How repulsive.)
For a moment, you stilled yourself against the sink of your bathroom— staring intensely at your reflection in the mirror before you broke from your own stare to clean yourself up.
"Fuck..." You winced as another wave of heavy nausea hit you, doubling over to stabilize yourself as dizziness diluted your mind. You should've taken up on Kaeya's offer of staying at his place.
He would undoubtedly know how to deal with this, you told yourself.
Slowly, you peeled yourself away from the sink and took your conscious moments to freshen up, ignoring the building of another intense headache in the back of your mind. Fresh water splashed upon your face as you wiped away the tears and spit. Dewdrops rolled down your cheeks, resembling tears as they trickled your chin before splashing upon the floor.
Drank too much last night, you scolded yourself.
You stepped out, grabbing yourself a pitcher of water from the cooler and poured yourself a cold glass to relieve the dehydration in your throat. The liquid soothes the dryness of your tongue, replenishing your body with water. Perhaps you did partake in a bit too much drinking, but you hated to think that Kaeya was right in saying that.
Settling the glass back down on your dining table, a thought crossed your mind. It made you wonder, if your parents would be disappointed in your actions and choices to participate in the barbaric act of drinking like a drunkard at a celebration for your fiancé's return to Mondstadt. As First Lady of the Gunnhildr House, you've lived with these grand expectations all your life— from both family and the public. Even as an adult now, you've grown to accept the unattainable expectations as just that, unattainable. Something that is intangible and so impossibly ridiculous, you wondered how one came up with them to begin with. No child is perfect and you, who was blessed by the world with wealth, power, and status— was not immune to imperfection.
Slowly, you learned to build high walls around yourself— ones that shielded you from these expectations, from criticism and reality. Perhaps this was why the world saw you so differently from your sisters. You could never quite see beyond the own walls you've built.
"Miss (y/n)? Are you home?"
The voice at the door startled you, snapping you out of your thoughts. Your attention flickered to the door of your home, eyes squinting to make out who was standing by the door through the glass of the window.
"Give me a second!" You shouted back, quickly rushing to the bedroom to change out of your clothes into something more appropriate. Throwing on a white chiffon blouse overtop a pair of pleated black dress pants, you finished the look with a gold necklace gifted to you by Kaeya when you had returned home from Liyue.
You peeked through the window to see the red of a certain Outrider's outfit. A smile grew on your lips as you opened the door to greet Amber. "My apologies for the long wait, Amber."
Amber beamed, shaking her head to shut down the notion of your tardiness. "Oh no, you're fine! I should've given you a notice before showing up..."
Amber's too kind, you thought to yourself.
Oddly enough, Amber reminded you of Barbara and her everlasting benevolence for everyone around her. An absolutely positive ray of sunshine that brought joy to the whole of Mondstadt.
"Acting Grand Master Jean had requested to see you, to ask about your trip to Liyue." Ah, of course. Why else would she summon you?
"And I presume you're here to escort me?" You watched as Amber nodded, answering back with: "Due the growing number of Hilichurls camps around Springvale, Master Jean had asked me to escort you back to the city."
With her response, your eyes averted down to her Vision swinging by her thigh, reminding you that was another key difference between you and your sisters. They possessed a gods' eye whilst you did not. Celestia had favorites and you were not one of them.
"I see..." Your voice trailed off, eyebrows furrowing the longer you watched as the flames behind the glass flicker and glow. The longer your stare lingered upon the inferno within glass, the more that sensation of ethereal, fleeting warmth crept in your chest. You feared it would spiral into a storm, a tempest of yearning that could swallow everything whole until—
"Miss (y/n)?"
"Apologies," you answered too hastily. Still, your eyes remained fixed on the Vision as Amber continued to speak.
"Then let's be off, if you're not too busy." Amber added, holding her hand out to you with a brilliant smile. You nodded, taking her hand into yours before closing and locking the door behind you as the two of you headed out for the city.
Along the way, Amber had attempted to make small talk with you though ultimately, it resulted with you listening to her praises and tales of being in the Knights of Favonius. You listened in, having no wonderful tales to add to her already very impressive story. You were unlike the Knights, unlike your fiancé who was a vigilante at heart— just a simple nobody with an impressive title and a story that no one wished to hear, there was no heroism nor villainy.
It made you sick, even more so than before. The thoughts of being alone, living far from the city isolated you from everyone you knew and loved. Yet you couldn't bear to see your sisters regularly, let alone your fiancé— to see them interact when it took so much out of you to even try to muster a conversation with Diluc. It was impossible; for you saw him as a deity of sorts and you were only mortal. The thought made you queasy to the stomach, lightheaded as the sun beamed down upon your skin. It left you hot, impossibly warm in spite of the cooling season.
"Then we had to dispel the— Miss (y/n)...? Are you feeling alright?"
No, I'm not.
"I'm fine, Amber. Thank you for asking..." You mumbled, leaning against a nearby tree for support, feeling the consequences of the night before weigh upon you. A mental note was made; don't ever drink as much as you did yesterday night.
Amber frowned, she immediately stopped in her tracks to back towards you with a growing worried expression etched onto her youthful features. Her lips curved downwards as you heaved a heavy sigh, ensnaring air in your lungs as sunlight peeked through the rustling leaves. Oh, how you hated seeing that look on people— that glint of troubled disquiet because of you that lingered in Amber's eyes. That look of sympathy that you were all too familiar with. Accompanied by that often followed the words of concern, affirmation, and encouragement that you were good enough.
(Oh, how you despised it.)
"We can take a break—"
"Thank you... but that won't be necessary," you pushed yourself off of the trunk, feeling as the wood scraped your skin. It left a crimson line upon your fingers, bruising and blossoming. "I can keep going."
Amber tried to insist otherwise but you wouldn't hear it, shutting down her concerns as you pressed forward in spite of the disgusting sensation that bottled in your stomach. With each breath, you pushed the sensation further down, choosing ignorance over acceptance.
(You knew it would be the death of you one day.)
"Let's keep going, shall we?" You turned to Amber with a strained smile, seeing the hesitation in her eyes though she did not object any further. She reluctantly nodded and continued escorting you towards Mondstadt in stride.
DANDELION FLUFFS DANCED in the sky as you entered the gates of the ancient city, observing the smiling faces of the passing civilians. They greeted Amber with cordial kindness while they stared at you in voided apathy. You already understood why they did so.
Of the three sisters, you were the least appreciated and liked by the people— your siblings always stood out, always shone in the light whilst you sat in the dark, doing what was expected of you.
Sibling rivalry is common among the noble houses but in particular, in the Gunnhildr house, it was all but verbally addressed as to who was the favorite child in the family. You held no ill will against your sister as there was no denying that Jean was deserving of this. She is hardworking, inspiring, and a great leader to all whilst you are cowardly, naïve, and incredibly self centered. In spite of acknowledging the facts, you couldn't help but feel the weight of jealousy press against you.
By accepting the role, you endured their burdens. It was you who carried the responsibilities while they lived independently and happily.
Am I happy with what I am left with? It's a question that has pondered your mind for the length of the past year. Since your engagement to Diluc, you've fancied the thought of a perfect and idyllic marriage yet it was everything short of that very ideal. With that came envy, loyalty, and intrinsic fears of abandonment. It was the epiphany of such that has consumed you; what exactly are you happy for?
"Do you suppose Diluc will be at Angel's Share tonight?"
(Gods, your words came out so pathetically.)
It made it sound as if you knew nothing about your fiancé, that you've barely spoken with him at all.
Pathetic, utterly pathetic. You scolded yourself for coming off so pitifully though Amber didn't seem to mind your question as she gleefully responded. "I believe so! I mean, he's been working there for the last few days. I'd think Master Diluc would also be there tonight."
It was the ephemeral, fleeting emotions of unworthiness that drowned out any semblance of joy in you. That in itself was a problem; of which you knew and understood yet you couldn't help but be incredibly self-critical of every action you took. Expectations weighed upon you like no one else, and you'd be damned if you didn't hold yourself up to those very standards.
(Otherwise, what else did you live for?)
"I see..." There was disdain in your tone— a poisonous contour that slowly kills you from inside out. "Let's head towards the headquarters, yeah?"
Amber nodded, gesturing for you to walk ahead of her as a sign of seniority and authority. "After you, Miss!"
(Too kind. Amber is too kind.)
The Knights of Favonius headquarters was merely a short walk away from the front gates. Leather hit paved stone paths as the two of you weaved through the homes and flowers to the front of the looming building. Decorated in banners and ensigns, you observed the embellished building with a slight bitterness (though you did not let it show).
The two knights standing by the entrance nodded to Amber as she approached the gates of the headquarters. "Outrider Amber reporting back from escorting Lady (y/n)!" She announced merrily, bowing her head to her senior knights before they allowed the two of you in. You granted them small smiles before entering after Amber.
The headquarters foyer was rather empty with the exception of the long carpet that carried itself up to the upstairs. Beside each of the doors, a planted pottery stood guard with freshly picked floras within. Surprisingly, there was no guard inside the headquarters which left you further unsettled in its isolated quietude. Accompanied by the anticipation of meeting your sister alone caused a shiver down your spine.
You choose to ignore the queasiness in your stomach and decide to press forward, dismissing Amber with a smile and turned your attention to the looming oak door standing in front of you. Engraved upon its golden plaque was Jean's name in a cursive font, titling her as the Acting Grand Master. Your eyes glossed over the name a thousand times; over and over again before finally mustering the courage to knock upon the door.
"Come in!"
Exhaustion riddled your sister's voice, you observed. Your hand froze over the doorknob as you heaved a quiet sigh, before twisting.
Piles of paperwork covered the stained-wood desk; piles upon piles. You could barely see your sister's golden hair above the pile as she sat hunched over the paperwork with a quill stained with ink in hand. Her eyebrows furrowed as she scanned the parchment before her, a frown taut on her lips. Jean worked steadily through the document before taking a quick glance to see who had entered the office. Within seconds, her frown transformed into an awkward smile upon seeing you— it had been three months since you'd last seen her after all.
"Have you been well?" Jean asked, pushing aside the piles of work in order to see you better.
"More or less." You offered your sister a weak smile, taking a moment to gloss over the context of the paperwork. "Does this concern my trip to Liyue?" You tapped the closest pile of parchment, reading over the words.
"Indeed. I wanted to ask you how did your meeting went." Jean replied, carefully examining your expression. "Specifically the fortifications of our borders and trade."
Doesn't spare a moment to waste. You mused to yourself; your sister has always taken her role as the Acting Grand Master very seriously. "The Qixing has agreed on their part to fortify Stone Gates so long as we are willing to provide supplies. With the increasing number of accidents in the area, we have to presume the attacks of the hilichurls are getting more intense."
Jean nodded along, "and of the trade deals?"
You deliberately avoided eye contact as Jean turned her attention to you fully. "They demanded twice the amount of dandelion wine and they will supply us with the herbal products that the Guild has been asking for." You glanced over briefly, seeing the proud smile wide on her face, you looked away.
"You did well."
It was obvious; the lack of sisterly love between the two of you. It couldn't be helped, with you having been raised as the proper heir away from your sisters and the rest of society whilst she was raised to be the people's heir— having this affinity to bond with anyone. Both of you had duties to fulfill; it couldn't be blamed. Yet, you knew that there was something else as well— that tore the two of you apart from one another.
"Thank you." Your words came off as monotonous, empty. You tried not to let it affect you too much yet it was far to apparent.
"Did you enjoy Liyue?"
(Small talk, she was instigating some sort of small talk to get to understand you.)
"Quite. The warm weather was lovely."
What you two had in common was not chivalry nor family, it was love.
"Have you spoken to Master Diluc yet?"
Ah, there it was. You waited for this moment, the only commonality you had with your sister.
"No, not yet." It sounded pathetic coming off your tongue; you have not spoken to Diluc in months.
"I'm sure he's delighted that you're home."
Delighted? Is that right? Diluc was now a stoic man who expressed very little. Even you could no longer read the emotions behind those crimson hues.
"Then I shall speak to him promptly."
Oh, to love the boy from the grapevine hills over— it was a treacherous one. You knew exactly what was happening yet you couldn't stop yourself from falling. To drink in the wine of intoxicated love, to pretend in the fantasy of love. To fall and crash, to have the wings of human damnation be your downfall. Hubris killed the boy who flew too close to the heavens above and you too, was slowly burning up. Your wax wings melted as you approached the scorching flames of light.
All to taste death with the facade of love.
—
END OF CHAPTER ONE.