"Insecurity holds a lot of room for doubt and assumption. If you think about risking everything you love for it because it gives you comfort. Would you do it?"-Anonymous
Oliver Richardson
I head to work after leaving Sarah's place. She let her eyes rest after putting up a fight for so long. When she sleeps, her face is so peaceful. My heart beats faster because of it.
On the other hand, I did not get any sleep. My body was holding the most beautiful person sleeping. The thought of her doubts left me awake. Sarah loves me. You can tell in her eyes that she couldn't do long distance. The last time she had an attack, she ran from me. It was too much for her to accept. It scared her. Sarah doesn't run and it makes her attacks able to handle. She's also stopped harming herself.
I have come to realize that it's more often I am at her service. Sarah always says she will try and do better for her own sake. It's starting to become her favorite line. I try not to press sensitive topics further but, it irritates me that she's not trying to be strong on her own.
When we are apart, nobody will be there if she makes the wrong choice. She might drink and get hurt or, someone tries something like Juliet. The time I picked her up high was cutting the second straw.
Now there is one straw remaining in a field of no return. There is a lot that can go wrong. I don't think she wants to face that reality. That's why Sarah seeks me. I'm in her best interest whenever a situation gets too difficult for her.
I'm proud to be her boyfriend but not her illusion. The moments where I'm sacrificing my time because I don't want her to be alone. It makes me pity myself. Being alone is all that I knew in the orphanage and still did before I met her.
Sarah's broken cries or choked sobs hit me hard. So when she says, "Oliver, I can't do this anymore." I haul my ass into my truck and drive over there to tell her that everything will be okay. I don't want to admit that it's too much because I'm going back on my word. I'm feeling her hurting now.
My Mama stayed awake every summer night to watch her nineties movies. That meant she's seen me leave every single time. Last night, she said, "Again? That relationship is becoming a lot for you. It isn't any of my business though because you will be moving out of this house. Right now, you live here with a job and in a house, I pay for. Do you rather go to her place?
Think of your priorities. That girl is not worth it. She's just using you," she apprises. Yet, I still left.
I wanted to say that I loved Sarah, over and over again, to hear her say it. The word that is more than a word is a better way of saying that you're attracted to their personality more than anything. Hearing my step-father is out of jail was just a flare-up for Sarah and my reassurance was the end of the conversation.
There wasn't any "Don't let it drag you down."
Instead, I was the one to say it. I was the one from the start. Could it be that she's selfish? Am I not enough? I have doubts now. Every once in a while couldn't hurt for her to help herself so I don't feel like my problems are bigger than it is. Maybe, it is. I don't fucking know anymore. I hope I never get angry at her. She is independent. Sarah can be strong on her own it's just that she isn't willing to try mentally.
We are growing up. After college, we'll have to provide for ourselves. The time is shortening for us to still do the things we enjoy without worry. Maybe, I'm worrying too much. I feel like I am not getting as much as I give her. I don't know what I'm feeling.
The shoe store's lights come on from the back room. I walk to the front again to flip the sign and turn on everything else. The cash register customers use for signing their signature turns on.
Employee after an employee goes to the staff room to store their things before starting their work. I'm in the store's logo shirt. I packed it in a bag with a bottle of water early this morning. Today is very hot. My arms bulge at the sleeves of the shirt whenever I move to do something.
"Morning," Our boss grumbles tiredly. Some of us bother to reply and, others don't. This store isn't far from a mall outlet. We get pretty busy in the evening. A ding comes twice.
I look up at the two new customers, Summer, and her father. Her name came up after my football game the day they fought. Darcy and her father walked up to the counter desk, where a worker helped them. I'm standing at an array of shoes.
The worker at the counter points to me. I turn my back. I take out some shoes and pretend like I'm re-arranging them. The sound of them coming behind me made me realize they see right through my pretension. Summer is wearing a short knit sweater outfit. Her father is wearing a weird pair of sunglasses and a tracksuit that show his sunburn.
"Hey, Olive, you work here, right?" Summer asks. She's putting up an act that isn't doing her any good. I don't answer her because that isn't my name.
She answers her question, "Of course you do. We hope your family is okay with this storm coming. The person at the counter sent us over here because my dad and I need new sneakers for an event," she boasts. I look at her with a bored face.
"Well, you can look around and come back to me. We have a large selection of sneakers. I'm sure you'll find something unless you aren't bright enough to see that yourself?" My hand outstretches to push my hair back. Summer laughs dramatically. Her father pulls her close.
"He's funny. Your friend is quite lucky with him," Summer's father shakes his head. Summer's eye twitches slightly.
"No, she isn't. Let's go look for those shoes." Summer takes her father by the arm to the other side of the store. They can talk all they want. None of them know how Sarah and I's relationship. I continue through my shift fine until I'm back nearby them. It sucks that the thrown-around shoes and un-organized ones are right where they are standing.
My ears pick up Summer and her father's conversation. "Father, let me handle the talking when it comes to Olive, I mean, Oliver. I honestly hate he has to put up with Sarah. She goes around plopping her problems around like shit and, everyone can tell. First, it was beating up poor Juliet then she got her Mother on drugs. Nobody can control her because she's projecting her fucked up life onto others. Not to mention, Juliet was innocently accused. Oliver needs someone like Betty," Summer gossips.
A sick feeling gathers in my stomach just hearing them. None of that is true, right? We are a couple that talks shit out and make it work at the end of the day. Juliet did attack me because I'm with Sarah. She was jealous and upset. Am I denying the truth? I shouldn't have doubts. Doubts lead to insecurity. Insecurities lead to cheating or us breaking up. That's the last thing I need on top of moving for college on my own.
It's not like I can shake away this feeling anymore. Every dark thought about our relationship comes crashing into me all at once. I can picture all the fights that haven't happened. Sarah's face is all red and teary-eyed as she yells words that tear me apart. I'm insecure that our relationship isn't strong enough.
Summer and her father's words cause me to lash out as I have done before. "Just shut the fuck up already! Everyone always has something to say! You aren't us, are you!? Sarah is none of your concern. You can talk but you wish you were us. You're a sick friend for not telling her weed was in the food she ate," I turn menacingly at them. Summer's father furrows his brow.
"You didn't tell me that one of your friends didn't know? I don't want to hear anything else. This can't be tolerated now that you have a baby to raise. Haven't we talked about your rude behavior?" He folds his arms. Summer scoffs and hides her face from everyone's eyes. My boss whistles to get my attention. My chest is puffing in and out. Every breath I make is in confusion, hatred, insecurity. I'm getting a suspension.