Silence Nine
Simula noong araw na iyo'y hindi ko halos pansinin si Noah. Hindi maiiwasan na magkita kami dahil sumasabay pa rin naman ako kila sir Allen. Hindi naman maaaring paalisin nila si Noah dahil lang sa away naming dalawa.
Did Noah completely forget about my ten thousand peso debt? He expected me to pay him by the end of June, but it's now August and he still did not give a follow up. Or is he testing whether I'll be a good payer? Or is this one of his charity works again?
Pinagsama sama ko ang mga naipon ko mula sa pagtututor pati na rin ang ibinawas ko sa sweldo ko upang mabayaran si Noah.
Nang makalabas ako ay humawak ako sa railings ng corridor habang tinitignan ang grounds kung saan nakatayo ang bahay ng mga pusa ko. They loved their home very much. May mga pagkakataon nga lang na sa tuwing nakikita nila ako'y gusto pa rin nilang sumama sa aking apartment.
Nakita ko ang pagtingala ni Ming kaya naman nginitian ko siya't kinawayan. Tumitig lamang ito sa akin at nagngiyaw.
I made my way straight in front of Noah's apartment. Itinaas ko ang kamao ko ngunit nabitin sa ere nang maalala na magkaaway kaming dalawa.
I shut my eyes firmly and sighed harshly. The click of the door knob made me open my eyes instantly. A pair of curious eyes and joint brows greeted me.
"Ma'am Ysabelle," tawag ni Nicholas na halos patanong.
I cleared my throat.
"Hi... uh... buti na lang andito ka. Ito oh," kinuha ko ang kaliwang kamay niya at ipinatong doon ang isang sobre na pinaglagyan ko ng sampung libo. "Bayad ko kamo yan sa utang mo sa kuya mo."
Nagmamadali akong papabalik ngunit pinigilan ako ni Nicholas.
"S-sandali lang ma'am, wag po kayong magpahawak sa akin ng pera ni kuya," natatarantang habol ni Nicholas sabay balik sa akin ng sobre.
"Kahit iwan mo na lang sa kwarto niya," sagot ko at abot muli sa kanya nito.
"A-ah basta ma'am. Mas maganda kung kayo na lang ang mag abot!" ipinasa niya muli sa akin ang sobre.
We kept passing and returning the money like we're playing catch.
"Ibabagsak kita sa subject ko," pagbabanta ko. I wasn't serious.
"Isusumbong ko kayo kay kuya kung ganon. He will fire you if that's your reason," pagbabalik niya ng banta.
Aba! Bastos 'tong batang ito ah. I didn't know he had it in him.
"At paano niya naman ako sisisantehin eh department head lang siya?" kunot noo kong tanong sa kanya.
He snorted. "Member ka ng faculty, hindi mo kilala ang owners?" humalakhak siya.
Tumuro ako sa kanya. "H-hoy! H'wag mo akong tawanan, Mr Vasquez! Teacher mo pa rin ako kaya gumalang ka!"
"Kapatid ako ng may ari ng eskwelang pinagtatrabahuhan niyo," he shot back.
Kumurap kurap ako't mas lalong naguluhan.
Kapatid ng may ari? Ng Southville?
That means Noah is the one who hired me!
Should I be worried that he might've done it out of pity? Or should I be relieved that he found me skillful enough to be given consideration?
Habang nakat*nga ako roon ay ginamit itong pagkakataon ni Nicholas para ipatong sa aking kamay ang pera at tumakbo pabalik sa kanilang apartment.
I shook away my thoughts and tried to catch up with Nicholas, but the door is already closed.
Hinampas ko ang pinto. "Nicholas! Buksan mo ito!"
Then I heard his hearty laugh from inside. "No one is home!" sagot niya.
I groaned.
Ang batang 'yon! Maiisahan ko rin yan!
Napakawalang utak ko naman siguro kung iiwan ko na lang sa may harap ng pinto niya ang bayad ko. Baka sa halip na siya ang mabayaran, iba pa ang makinabang.
Naglakad ako ng pabalik balik.
Pero ayaw ko rin namang harapin siya. Lalo na ngayon at nalaman kong siya pala ang may ari ng school.
"Ysabelle anong ginagawa mo diyan?" lapit sa akin ni Thelma na kararating lamang.
I put both my hands to my waist and looked up the sky and whined.
"Hello! May kausap ba ako?" pagkuha niya ng aking pansin.
Bumuntong hininga ako at tumingin sa kanya.
"Saan ka nanggaling?" balik ko ng tanong sa kanya.
She smiled widely. "Nakipagkita kay Bryce."
"Akala ko ba natutukso na kayo sa isa't isa?" pagtataas ko ng kilay.
She chuckled. "Yeah. Pero hindi ko naman sinabing maghihiwalay na kaming dalawa. At sa public place naman kami nagkita. Imposible namang gumawa kami ng milagro roon."
"Buti hindi siya nagalit sa'yo," usisa ko.
"Hmm," aniya. "Medyo nagtampo pero mabilis namang suyuin kaya nagbati rin kaming dalawa. Naiintindihan niya naman kung bakit kinailangan kong gawin iyon."
"Mabuti 'yan," tanging naisagot ko lamang.
She crossed her arms and tapped her arm with her finger.
"Mablik tayo sa'yo. Bakit ka andito sa labas?" she asked again.
I looked down on my hand that held the money I owe Noah. Apparently, your best friend can't let her guard down and pay her debt herself.
Sinundan din ni Thelma kung ano ang tinitignan ko.
"Yan ba yung ten thousand na sinasabi ni sir Noah?"
Tumango ako at napakamot sa aking ulo.
"Ang bait naman ni sir Noah, nag eextend ng bayad. Makautang nga rin sa kanya some time," halakhak ni Thelma.
Yeah he'd definitely lend you some, he's the owner of the school! And he has this thing with helping people, there's no way he'll refuse.
"So? Hinihintay mo siyang dumating? Gusto mong imessage ko? Uuwi kaagad yon," makahulugan niyang alok.
"May number ka ni sir Noah?" iyon ang unang pumasok sa aking isipan sa halip na alok niya o kung anuman ang iniisip niya tungkol sa amin ni Noah.
She went on a defensive stance.
"Oh chill," she held both her hands up as if surrendering. "Hindi ko inaagaw sa'yo ha. Sa messenger ko ichachat dahil friends kami sa fb."
I didn't know that Noah had a facebook. Palagay ko'y palagi siyang abala at wala nang oras para sa ganyan. He'd rather do productive things. Siguro'y para lang may mode of communication sila ng co teachers.
Bakit nga ba parang hindi ako kasali sa mga groupchats ng faculty?
Alam ko naman na ang sagot diyan.
"Hindi naman kita pinagbintangang ganon," dahil hindi ko naman talaga siya pinag iisipan noon at wala rin ako sa lugar para gawin 'yon. I would only look like a delusional girlfriend wannabe when I'm just his colleague.
"Ayaw mo pansinin?" tanong niya pa.
Hindi naman sa ayaw kong pansinin si Noah. It's just awkward for me to face him after that scene in the cafeteria a few days ago. Bukod sa napahiya ko siya'y mukhang naoffend ko pa siya na nagmamabuting loob lang.
Pero may pinanggagalingan din naman ang katwiran ko. I just don't want people to see me as someone weak and needs help all the time. I get that we cannot be entirely independent, ngunit sa inaasta ng mga tao sa paligid ko'y para akong sanggol na kapag hindi inalalayan ay baka matumba. I want to be their equal. It's already enough that Noah has seen me in two of my panic attacks, I don't need him to see how broke and pathetic I am.
Umiling ako sa tanong ni Thelma. "Wala naman akong sasabihin kaya bakit ko papansinin?"
She narrowed her eyes at me.
"Tara na nga!" hila ko sa kamay niya, nagpadala naman siya ngunit nananatiling naniningkit ang mata. "Saka ko na ibibigay ito kapag nariyan siya."
"I'm here," a deep voice interrupted. Clinking of the keys heard. "Why?"
Sabay kaming lumingon ni Thelma kay Noah, wearing gray tank top and black cargo shorts. Mayroon siyang bitbit na tatlong pintura.
"Magpipintura ka sir?" si Thelma kahit na nasa harap niya naman na ang sagot.
"Yes," then his eyes found mine. "Ang sabi ni Ysabelle, yellow doesn't suit me. Maybe white would fit me more."
I felt tingles inside me as he leered at me. Tumahip ang aking dibdib dahil sa paraan ng kanyang pagtingin at kung paanong naalala niya pa ang aking sinabi. And he's actually following it.
Hindi sa nagpapaboost ako ng ego, but I'm just surprised that my opinion mattered to him.
His muscles flexed when he lifted three cans of paint and placed it inside. His body did not go in his apartment entirely, only the paints. Then he returned outside and faces Thelma and I.
"What is it? Ano ang ibibigay mo sa akin?"
I stepped forward but looked back at Thelma and eyed her to not leave me alone with Noah.
But she took it the wrong way and assumed that I wanted Noah to myself. So she smirked playfully and stepped inside the apartment. I was about to go back to chase her but stopped.
Kung gagawin ko pa 'yon ay mas mapapatagal pa ang pagbabayad ko. I should just give this to him, then we're done.
I hesitantly walked until we're only a foot apart from each other. And slowly, I extended my hand forward.
"I-ito yung bayad ko sa parcels noong June. Pasensya na kung ngayon lang ako nakapagbayad," tumikhim ako.
Nagtagal ang tingin niya sa nakalahad kong kamay bago niya ito tinanggap at ibinulsa.
"No problem," tipid niyang sagot.
Then my mind was empty. I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what else to do. Nothing sensible came to mind.
I let out a breath and smiled stretched my lips awkwardly that it can't be even considered a smile.
"Yun lang. T-thank you, sir, and I'm sorry," then I turned around to return to my apartment.
His hand grabbed my wrist, halting me in my attempts to run away from the comversation.My breath hitched at how tightly he grasped me, as if I'd be able to slip away if it wasn't tight enough.
"N-noah," I nervously looked up at him and his eyes flashed guilt.
"I'm sorry for the other day," his voice hoarse and genuine.
My lids twitched and went heavy. One apology from him was enough for me to bring my walls down. Because I felt important for an apology to be even made. I guess it came from my experiences before, being bullied by others and never receiving an apology.
"I'm sorry too... Noah," tugon ko sa nanginginig na boses. "F-for being too harsh on you."
His eyes became soft and fond.
"It's okay," he said in an almost whisper his thumb caressed my cheeks and it's evident that we were both startled by the act.
I gulped even with my mouth dry.
"S-so..."
"Let's try to not fight each other anymore. Can we do that?" aniya sa malambing na boses na para akong hinehele.
Hypnotized by how he's speaking to me, I nodded without thinking.
"M'kay."
He nodded, his forehead relaxing slowly.
"Are you doing fine with your lessons?" he asked. Then I remembered he's my "mentor", and I think that mentorship isn't too successful. Not because of him, but because I'm not a committed student. Maybe I should start taking this seriously.
I nodded. "Thriving but I'm not my best. Sorry sa madalas kong hindi pagsulpot. May tutoring kase ako, pagkatapos ay maggagawa pa ng lesson plan sa gabi."
"It's alright. I respect your schedule," he answered.
"Pero susubukan ko namang maging active uli," agap ko. "K-kung hindi nakakaabala sa oras mo."
His lip twitched.
"I always have time for you," Noah responds.
Nang matahimik kaming dalawa ay nanatili lamang siyang nakapokus sa akin habang ako nama'y kung saan saan tumitingin dahil sa hiya.
"You should go back in. I'll see you when I see you," Noah breaks the silence.
"W-wait!"
"I wasn't leaving yet," he laughed.
"Pwede mo ba akong tulungan ulit?" tinantya ko ang magiging reaksyon niya. "Sa... math?"
I felt like it was unnecessary to ask, because it was in his nature. He never refuses to help those who needs him. One look in his eye and I knew that he approves of my request.
"Send it to me or you can come over," he said, referring to his apartment.
I felt happy that I almost skipped and leaped my way to my apartment if not for the knowledge that Noah is watching me.
Halos tumalsik si Thelma nang buksan ko ang pinto.
"Aw!" napahawak sa gilid ng ulo si Thelma.
"Sorry! Ano ba kase ang ginagawa mo diyan sa pinto?" tanong ko pa rin kahit na may ideya na ako kung ano ang ginagawa niya kanina pa.
Hindi niya sinagot ang aking tanong. Tumili lamang siya at inalog alog ang aking balikat.
"Kinikilig ako, Ysabelle!" she shrieked. "I've never seen sir Noah so soft!"
Pinamulahan ako ng pisngi. And I also felt it building up from my stomach to my chest. I tried to shut down my excitement but it kept building up more, that I almost exploded.
Then the fleeting feeling was gone.
Thelma noticed the shift in my mood.
"Ayos ka lang?" she asks in a concerned voice.
"Yeah."
Sometimes, I feel like I get a glimpse of freedom from the darkness that kept trying to devour me. But then all the hopes of finally getting on the brighter side shatters almost immediately.
It's tiring. I'm torn between wanting to love, to feel loved, and the battles I have with myself.
Being in this void everyday is keeping me from following my heart. Because the bad is overpowering everything good, that it restrains me from getting a feel of the good.
I released a breath, trying to win against the thoughts wanting to invade and occupy space in my mind once more. I'm living in a world that's constantly moving, so there's no time to stop. I also have to keep moving.
"The next performer, grade nine bonifacio!"
I stood and applauded from where I was.
"Good luck grade nine!"
In celebration of buwan ng wika, the grade nine students were to have a sabayang pagbigkas contest. Ang grade seven and eight ay maglalaban laban sa traditional dance habang ang grade ten naman ay film making.
I clasped my hands together in anticipation for their performance. I have confidence in my advisory. Magugulo lang yan sila kapag practice pero kapag mismong performance na ay magugulat ka na lang at bigla silang nagsasabay sabay at nagiging maganda ang kinalalabasan.
Inilabas ko ang aking phone upang makuhanan ng video ang sabayang pagbigkas dahil siguradong gusto nilang mapanood itong muli.
They looked like a troop, fierce and bold. They did their acts, songs, chants in between, aside from just reciting what's on the given piece.
I had a big smile on my face as I witnessed the product of their restless practice days.
Roaming my eyes around the venue, I caught other sections who are mesmerized and others who looked envious and threatened.
Not to be biased, but my section indeed had the best performance so far.
Tumingkayad ako dahil medyo hindi maganda ang anggulo. Mas maganda kung mas maitataas ko pa sana ang aking phone para makuha ang lahat.
"Need a hand?"
Nilingon ko si Noah na natatawang lumapit sa akin, obviously because of my struggle.
I pouted and nodded. Tutal ay mga studyante ko rin naman ang makikinabang dito kung mas maganda ang kuha.
He took my phone from me but still making sure that it doesn't steer its focus off of my grade nine students.
He took the video better than I did because he's taller than me.
Si sir Frank na isa sa mga hurado ay kumulbit kay sir Allen na nakikiupo lamang sa tabi niya at itinuro kaming dalawa ni sir Noah.
Pinaningkitan ko sila ng mata dahil obvious naman kung ano ang iniinsinuate ng dalawa.
At sumama pa si Thelma roon sa dalawa, na hindi na mga studyante ang tinitignan kundi kaming dalawa na ni sir Noah.
Isa rin sa mga hurado si ma'am Sydney, and clearly, she did not like what she saw.
Gusto ko na lamang manliit sa aking pwesto dahil sa talim ng kanyang tingin sa kinatatayuan namin. O baka sa akin lang siya nagagalit.
Thelma rolled her eye at ma'am Sydney without anyone noticing. Well, except me.
Noah stopped the recording when they were finished.
Everyone on the grounds applauded. They deserve a standing ovation. They have such creative minds. Even I wouldn't have thought of their concept.
"Congratulations guys!" nagagalak kong bati nang bumalik sila sa respective seats nila.
"Salamat po binibini sa mga pabakanteng oras niyo," sagot naman ng aking studyante.
"Binibini nakuhanan mo po ba ng yung sabayang pagbigkas? Papasa po kami ma'am sa gc," ani Sarah.
"Oo naman si Ginoong Vasquez nga ang kumuha para sa binibini eh," pang aasar ni Gascon. At nagkantyawan naman ang lahat.
Simula noong nagkaroon kami ng eksena sa canteen ay nagsimula na akong iship ng mga studyante ko kay Noah.
"Sure!" sagot ko kay Lauren at chineck ko muli sa aking phone kung nairecord ko ba talaga o hindi. Kinabahan pa ako na baka halfway through the performance ay aksidenteng natigil ang recording. Luckily, wala namang ganoong nangyari.
"Ano po 'yon?" nangingiting sabi pamumulis ng aking mga studyante.
Kumunot ang aking noo.
"Hala! Siya nga naggawa ng palatuntunan di sinunod," ani Lauren.
"Oo nga bayad dos!" segunda ng mga boys.
Napasapo ako sa aking noo. Ngayong buwan kase ay inencourage ko sila na magsalita ng Filipino bilang paghonor sa buwan ng wika. Sa tuwing may magsasalita ng English word, unless wala talaga siyang Filipino translation ay magbabayad ng dos ang isa sa amin.
At bilang English ang subject ko ay hirap akong magpure Tagalog.
"Siya," iiling iling akong dumukot sa aking bulsa ngunit nang walang makapa ay naalala kong nasa bag nga pala ang pitaka ko.
"Wala pang barya sa bulsa ang binibini," paliwanag ko sa kanila. "Bukas ko na lamang iaabot sa...."
Napapikit ako habang nag iisip kung ano ang tagalog ng treasurer.
Then my automatic reaction was to turn to Noah, who was also anticipating for my next words.
"Maaaring tumawag ng kaibigan binibining Castillo," panunukso pa ng mga studyante ko.
A sly smile slowly formed Noah's lips. He's obviously entertained by my lack of Filipino skills.
"Ginoo, maaari ko bang malaman ang tawag sa..." napapikit ako ng mariin. "opisyal sa k-klase na... nagtatago ng pera?"
They cackled and Noah did too.
Halos mamilog ang mata ng mga studyante ko.
"Isa yata itong milagro! Ginoong Vasquez natagpuang nakangiti at humahalakhak sa eskwela."
Hinampas ng mga girls si Ralph dahil sa kanyang sinabi, sa pag aakala na magagalit si Noah ngunit tila hindi narinig yon ni Noah dahil nakabaling ang atensyon nito sa akin.
"Ang tawag roo'y tagaingat-yaman, binibini," aniya sa makatang tono.
And I felt like being courted.