January was honestly a crazy and exhausting month, Joe got me a flight the day after new years, our first show was finally coming and we needed to be ready because there wasn't only going to be fans, we'd have cameras doing close ups and people around the world watching. Harry moved in the first week and we were both really excited, it was a new beginning in our relationship that felt completely right.
"How are we going to split the bills?" Harry asked me as he walked my way with two cups of coffee, "Should we just split everything in two, or just divide bills to be equal?"
"What bills?" I laughed and he sat next to me with concern all over his face.
"Groceries, cleaning lady, light, internet, TV, toilet paper?" Breakfast together felt ten times better now that we were actually living together, nothing really changed... but it hit different.
"I don't pay any of that, don't worry," I lit a cigarette and he was looking at me in confusion, "Everything has been taken care of,"
"Who pays for them?"
"My dad covers all my expenses, I guess his assistant is in charge of making sure everything is paid on time," he didn't look happy about it, that simple answer somehow bothered him, "What's wrong?"
"I don't want your dad to pay for everything, we can take care of all that," he was taking the typical position of a man who feels he's being emasculated if he doesn't pay.
"He paid for all of that even when nobody lived here, it's fine," I assured him, "If he didn't want to pay, I promise we'd know,"
"Do you even spend money?" I didn't like his attitude towards the subject at all, his body language and tone made me feel like he was judging me.
"Yeah," I answered simply, I mean, I've never been the kind of girl who enjoys going shopping, so I don't spend a lot of my money, but whenever I want something, I get it.
"When was the last time you paid for something?" He chuckled rolling his eyes.
"Why are you even asking all these questions? I don't get it," now I was annoyed, somehow he managed to turn that simple conversation into something that felt like a personal attack.
"I'm just curious," he shrunk his shoulders, "If your dad pays for your living and I pay every time we go out, what do you do with your money?" That was messed up, that comment was mean, out of place and judgmental and... he was being rude.
"Fine, I'll pay next time we go out, I didn't know it bothered you so much," I rolled my eyes, I mean, he's rich and he always declines when I try to pay, what am I supposed to do? Beg?
"It doesn't bother me," he chuckled again, it clearly bothered him.
"It clearly does, it's fine, I promise I can pay for my stuff," I huffed, it's not like I'm the kind of girls who expects anything from him, why would he even think that?
"I'm just curious, you have millions sitting in your bank account, and you don't seem to spend any of that money," he said coldly, so now he was the angry one? I was so done with that conversation, I grabbed my cup and made my way inside, "Where are you going?" He came behind me.
"I have rehearsal, I'll be back for dinner," I made my way to my room to grab my things and get going, Alan was already waiting for me anyway.
"Why are you upset?" He stood on the door keeping me from walking out.
"Because you're judging me, why do you care if I have millions sitting in my account? You do too," I crossed my arms waiting for him to get out of my way, "It's not like I'm trying to save or anything, I just don't have the need to buy expensive things,"
"Says the girl with the Prada bag in her hands," he laughed ironically, that laugh was like a trigger that made my blood boil instantly... he never acts that way.
"It was a gift, why do you even care?" I raised my voice.
"You see? Expensive gifts don't bother you... you just won't use your money," he shook his head with a light sarcastic laugh.
"I'm sorry for having a rich father who's always sending me expensive gifts," I tried to walk out again but he wouldn't let me, "Let me leave, I have to work,"
"So your dad sends you expensive gifts that you don't like?" He rolled his eyes, "Very convenient that you've never told him,"
"I understand that you're extra and you enjoy expensive cars and luxury lifestyle, but that's not me," I let my stuff on top of the bed, "Why are you trying to make me look like I'm stingy? Just because I'm not a materialistic person?"
"You have a Ferrari in London which you didn't buy, don't tell me you don't like expensive cars, please stop lying to yourself and accept that you don't like to use your own money," he raised his voice, making me lose it.
"Why the fuck do you even care?" I screamed, and like every single time, water works started, "You don't complain when I give you expensive gifts either,"
"I care because I'm not going to have your dad pay for my living," he screamed back, "I have money, and you do too,"
"Fine, I'll pay for those bills, apparently you're the one who's concerned about money," he shut the door loudly.
"I want to pay, this is what this fucking fight's about," he sat on the edge of the bed and ran his hands through his hair in desperation.
"Fine, pay for your half if you want to, but please, tell me why the fuck does it upset you that my father pays for my half? Does that make me less special to you, or what?"
"It doesn't upset me, I just don't understand," he huffed, "Why would you want your money rotting in your bank account?"
"Because there's nothing I need to spend it on, I get it, you help your mom with the bills, well my dad is doing just fine, and my step father is also rich so I don't need to give my family money,"
"Oh, now I see it, everyone around you is so rich, that you just let them spend their money on you while you build a fortune," that's it, he crossed the line and I was not having it.
"You always say that's what you love about me... the fact that I don't give a shit about money and fortune... and here you are, accusing me of being a fucking gold digger, I'm done with this," I walked out on him and just left the apartment, no phone, no keys, no bag... I wasn't going to stay to hear him ramble about how stingy and messed up he thinks I am, he was being disrespectful, it was completely wrong.
When Alan saw I was crying, he didn't say anything, he just opened the door for me and drove me to the office in silence, it took me a while to calm myself down, but I stopped crying in time, it wouldn't be cool to show up crying to rehearsal, specially with all the documentary cameras around... I didn't need the movie to be a reality show.
Singing and dancing did help me a lot to keep my mind distracted, of course I wasn't able to deliver my best at rehearsal but it was enough. Wardrobe fitting was fast, I just had to try on a dress to see if it looked good.
I didn't really want to go home, but Harry was supposed to be at the studio recording back vocals for their tour, maybe I could hurry and go to bed before he got home... I wasn't in the mood to keep fighting... specially not if he was okay with attacking me.
Once I was outside, I realized I had no phone and no keys, Alan had already left and I couldn't find the key inside the plant. I sat on the floor to wait for Harry and after a few minutes of sitting there... I realized the lights were on, meaning Harry either forget to turn off the lights before leaving or he was home.
I rang the doorbell and a few seconds later, he opened the door for me with a weak smile, "You came home early," I said walking in.
"Never really left," he said awkwardly scratching the back of his neck, "I cooked dinner," I turned around and saw the table set for the two of us, he walked to me with a bouquet of sunflowers, "I'm sorry,"
"It's going to take more than that buddy," I sighed walking around him to get to the kitchen, it wasn't one of those simple fights that you just cool down of... he was rude and the way he talked to me made me feel insulted.
"I know, we need to talk about what happened, but I am sorry, I'm really sorry," he walked over to me, "I was anything but a sunset today... I know I hurt your feelings,"
"You made me feel like a petty, stupid rich bitch who's a gold digger," I didn't even know I was so hurt until anger came back to me in a second.
"Please, have dinner with me and we'll talk about this," he reached for my chin and made me look at him, I could see how sorry he was in his eyes, but something like that could never happen again, that wasn't something he could just apologize about.
"One snide remark or sarcastic laugh and we're done," I blurted out... but I was speaking from my heart, I was not going to keep up with insults.
"Come here," he grabbed my hand and pulled me to the dinner table, he had made lasagna, why does it have to be the same meal I tried to make when we broke up? "I don't know what happened to me, I used the quality I admire the most about you and turned it into something bad, I'm really sorry,"
"I just don't understand why it bothered you so much? It looked like you were disgusted by me... like I was a completely different person," I started and he just nodded in regret.
"I know we were raised in different worlds... and I've always loved that, but today... I just became an intolerant person that wasn't able to look past my past..." he squeezed my hand, "We were wired differently and I wanted to understand your position and I still want to understand, I just chose a wrong approach,"
"Harry, I understand that you like to use your own money to treat yourself with cars and expensive clothes, and even though I don't share that, I've never judged you or made you feel like crap about it," I was trying to be as assertive as possible, we needed to talk like civilized people to get over that disagreement.
"I know, but I just need to know why you don't... cause you do have expensive clothes and cars," he was really trying to see my side of the story, but he just couldn't.
"My whole life has been like this, I've always had a limitless credit card and I've never been someone who enjoys spending money, so the fact that it is my own money now, doesn't change anything to me, almost everything expensive I own has been a gift I didn't ask for," he nodded slowly trying to process what I was saying.
"Is there really nothing you'd like to invest your money on?" He asked softly, "A house, a car, a ranch... I don't know,"
"In LA, I have Alan so having a car would be useless, but I have my own car in London and Mexico City, and I do drive them, I also have an apartment here, and rooms in my parents' homes, New York? You have an apartment. I'm not just going to throw my money at things,"
"Don't you want something that's yours?" He asked taking a sip of coke.
"Of course I do, but when I feel the need to get a Ferrari I will, I'm not just going to buy it because I have the money for it... that's not the way life works," It was being a little hard to put my thoughts into words.
"But if you do like Ferraris, wouldn't you like to have one that's completely yours? Something that you worked to get..."
"I don't like Ferraris, I never asked my dad for one, he gave it to me when I went to London after breaking up with Michael, I was a mess and he was working all day long, it was an apology for not being there for me, if he asked me, I would've preferred to have a long talk over dinner with him," he gave me an apologetic smile.
"I didn't know that," He scratched the back of his neck.
"No one, I don't even think he does, he thinks giving us expensive gifts makes him the best father," I assured him, "And that's cool, he gives me beautiful bags and clothes, but I just don't mind if they're Jimmy Choo's or Zara shoes, my mom fought really hard to raise me this way and I think she did a good job,"
"Why?" He asked with furrowed brows.
"I lived with an absent father, and I love him, but he was never there, his job always came first so he'd fill us with gifts to make us feel better for missing certain moments of our lives while he was on tour, Will and I were becoming superficial kids that always expected material stuff from people," I started, "Imagine a materialistic 5 year old, I was nightmare,"
"But I don't think you're materialistic, neither is Will, but with all the money you guys have, it's hard to understand," he explained, "I wasn't judging, I just need to understand what you guys think and how your brain is wired when it comes to money,"
"When my mom realized what we were turning into, she put a stop to it, she really made us understand money gives you comfort but it doesn't mean happiness... so, once we understood, we knew we had the money to satisfy our desires, but it didn't mean we should just buy something because it looks cool,"
"But kids always make stupid purchases," he laughed lightly, not sarcastic, but he was trying to get me to loosen up a little.
"Of course we bought stupid things a lot of times, but she made us do a list of why we needed something and why getting that certain item would make our lives better," it was something silly, but it did work, "We were also forbidden to speak about brands or prices,"
"No brands, no prices... you just looked at things as things," he nodded slowly processing it as he spoke.
"Exactly, I had a Louis Vuitton backpack in third grade, it was very expensive, but I had no idea, it was just a backpack I liked, and I used to wear it with a pair of rainbow boots I got from target, it was never about the brand or price to me, just things I liked," he laughed.
"That was really smart, your mom made an amazing job," he smiled, "Did your mom's family have money?"
"Yes, they owned a huge company in Mexico, she grew up with money, but my dad didn't so he was really excited with the new money and he'd buy a lot of stupid things just because he could afford them,"
"Just like me," His lips tuned into a line.
"And that's fine, you always dreamed about having a cool sports car, you worked for it and you earned it, that's amazing..." he gave me a warm smile, "But I had the opposite, I had 3 of those cars parked on my garage since I was born, I just dreamed about seeing my dad front row at my elementary school dance recitals,"
"Did he always miss them?"
"Almost every time, and I ended up accepting it and loving him for who he is... but there were times that I wished I had a normal family that went camping, on long road trips, fishing, small things that were normal to you that I never got to experience,"
"It feels like we come from different worlds," he said softly brushing his fingers on my forearm, "I'm sorry I judged you, I didn't want to make you feel bad,"
"You made it look like I'm stingy, truth is... I just don't give a shit," I pecked his lips, "I'm finally caring about feelings, love and creating unforgettable experiences with people I love... that's way better than money, this is all I ever wanted,"
"I still don't feel comfortable with your dad paying for everything, at least let me pay my half and he can pay for yours," he looked at his lap and took a deep breath, "There's something else I have to tell you... I think that's made me cranky this morning,"
"What's wrong?" I imagined there was something else going on, the way he snapped wasn't just because of the money conversation.
"I don't feel comfortable living here," my heart stopped, when I suggested him to move in, I made sure to let him know that it was fine if he decided we weren't ready to live together... "I really thought I would, but it feels like I'm living in your apartment and it makes me feel like a guest,"
"Do you wanna get your old apartment back?" I asked as softly as I could because I knew he wasn't trying to be rude, but he was just keeping his part of the promise we made when we got back together... to always tell the other how we're feeling.
"Would you like to get a house together? I think I just need a space that can be ours, a neutral space for the both of us," I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me, "Is that a yes?"
"Yes," I laughed, "I'd love to buy a house with you,"
"Are you sure? I know you love this apartment," I nodded against his neck, "It could also be an apartment, but we can have more people over at a house,"
"A house sounds perfect, I'll ask Joe to get in touch with a realtor," I pulled away from him and he looked happy, "Why didn't you tell me about this before?"
"I didn't know how to tell you..." he gave me a weak smile, "But I don't think this is a feeling I can just get used to,"
"And you shouldn't have to get used to it, thank you for telling me the truth, I think a house that's ours would be a good adventure," I pecked his lips.
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