tw: depression, self-harm, eating disorder, struggles with body image, blood
*3 and a half weeks ago*
y/n's pov
I have to do it.
I have to quit my job.
Everything is just full of shit. why can't I have a happy life? Why is it so hard for the universe, God, or whoever's guiding me, to give me a happy life where I don't have to deal with an emotional train wreck? I have to go...
I took a heavy sigh before I got up from bed to the bathroom to shower. As I opened the shower I let every water drop on my head, my face, and my body. Today's aura was really gloomy, I don't feel like listening to music to even boost up my energy. I let the phone call last night with Lizzie replay over and over my head, and I felt my anger build up which eventually turned into sadness. I don't know why I let myself get attached too much. Why am I still into Lizzie when she had hurt me so many times now? I don't even know why she answered that phone call when she was doing it with... with... Whatever.
All of this ends today.
-
*fast forward to the cafe*
l got in the cafe, and went straight it in Gelo's office. I knocked twice, and he almost immediately opened the door. He flashed me a bright smile before letting me in and closed the door.
"How's it going, y/n?" He asked in a jolly tone.
"Shit. I feel like shit, Gelo." I raised my voice a little bit as I sat down in front of his desk, and he also sat on his seat across me behind the desk. He gestured to me to continue, "I c-can't do it anymore, Gelo. My life... it's just exhausting. I-" I broke down to tears in front of my boss which I find humiliating. I'm never the type to cry at work.
"I-I'm so sorry..." I said. "It's okay, y/n. If you need a break, I'll give you one-" I cut him off before he finished his sentence saying, "I don't need more breaks, Gelo. I... I have to l-leave." I looked down to my hands that is shaking. He stands up from his seat and moved to the seat beside me, and put his hand on my shoulder. "I understand. I'm going to allow you to go, but remember that there will always be a free spot for this job." I looked at him and smiled at him. He hugged me while I sobbed on his shoulder.
Gelo and I talked for a little since he was trying to make me feel better which worked. I told him I have to get away for a bit from everyone, from all the shit's haunting me. We both stand up and shaked hands as we bid our farewells, "You can always come back anytime." He flashed me another smile which I returned. "Thank you, boss." He walked me off his office as I went out of the cafe without even saying goodbye to any of the employees, including Nicky. I feel bad for not doing so. I'll just text him later.
*three and a half weeks (present)*
I have been in bed all week, three and a half weeks now. I don't reply to Nicky that often anymore with my lack of energy to socialize with anyone, Lizzie has been calling and messaging me non-stop for weeks, and Katie has been sending me sweet messages every once in a while. The only time I get up from bed is when I go to pee, take a shower and sometimes when I want to eat. And I barely eat anything now. I probably just take one small bite and it'll be hard for me to take a few more bites.
I turned off my notifications in my phone since the ringing of it is getting annoying. I looked up at the ceiling and did nothing for 10 minutes.
I can't do this anymore. Nothing is working anymore. Maybe I wasn't made to live a long life. What the hell is my purpose even? What was the reason why I met Lizzie? Whoever's listening to me and my thoughts right now, why did you let me in Lizzie's life? I should've known we weren't meant to be. I should've known that a celebrity wouldn't be into someone who is a nobody. A total loser.
I sobbed hard again that my heart was starting to ache. After sobbing hard, I felt my soul being empty. There was nothing left in me. I carefully got up in bed, and felt my head ache as well. I went in the bathroom, locked the door, I looked at myself in the mirror and my eyes were so dry and swollen from all the crying. I looked pale, my face was a little slimmer than it looked like the last time I went out to go to the cafe. I lifted my shirt halfway to look at my stomach, and it was slimmer.
I'm so ugly. Is that why Lizzie don't love me enough? Did I not do enough? Was I just like some college experiment to her?
I pulled my shirt back down before I opened the mirror cabinet, and stare at that one thing that can easily end my life. I looked at it for a solid 20 minutes whilst contemplating about my life. Who cares if I died? No one will know. No one can stop me from doing this anymore.
[TW: SELF-HARM (!)]
With teary eyes, and shaky breath I took the blade and removed it from its plastic. I looked at myself one more time in the mirror before I slowly slashed the blade to my arm and wrist. I winced at the pain as I saw the blood streaming out of the cuts and dripping to the floor. I turned on the faucet and washed the cuts. I suddenly felt lightheaded so I guided myself down to the floor and sat down while cutting some more whilst crying.
I will never be enough. Slash.
I don't deserve to be happy. Slash.
No one ever loved me. Slash.
I'm just some nobody who deserves to die. Slash.
I let go of the blade and placed my head against the wall and cried hard, one because of the cuts, and two because of all the pain I have experienced since I was a kid. Those days are finally over. Maybe I can rest peacefully now.
My eyes slowly started to close as my visions starts to get blurry, and everything suddenly don't feel real. I heard a loud knock on the bathroom door before someone knocked it down and someone called my name but I didn't see who it was as I finally lost my consciousness.
-
a/n
credits to @Ridixa for this idea!
eat, drink, and take care of yourselves daily! ily loves x