Jules Martin
One more game and I can go home.
Slowly, waking up from the dizzying tornado of hurt and loss that turned my lights off the night before, the reality came back crashing on me. It weighed me down, with the weight of too many thoughts and questions.
I became aware of Luna's vanilla perfume still lingering on her pillow as I held it clenched between my hands. My face was buried into it like I wanted to scream my lungs out into the soft tissue.
Shit I fell asleep.
I wasn't lying in my own bed, my own sheets, my own room, I was waking up in hers. Which was not completely true either, because hers had become mine the past weeks, and now it wasn't anymore, feeling strange.
What time is it?
I squinted my eyes at my phone, a picture of Luna on my screen starting the day with another set of tears.
Lu, you're still not back...
I don't know how long I can keep doing this.
Waking up alone.
No word, text, or simple call from you.
One more game and I can go home.
"Game? Shit!" I cussed into the cold air while throwing the sheets off me. I stumbled my way out of the room, only to meet some voices in the kitchen. "Why did y-y-you let me sleep!" I frowned at Ezra as I pulled my hoodie over my head at the threshold. Sophia was sitting next to him when her apologetic gaze met mine. Why apologetic? I figured because she and him had been laughing, joyfully, before I walked in and the atmosphere turned darker than a wake. I guess she didn't feel like she deserved to smile, to laugh, be happy, not when I was around. "Please continue, I'm sad enough f-f-for the three of us. No need to stop laughing as s-soon as I turn around the corner. I can use some bad Ezra jokes t-too." I said dryer than indented, because dammit I wanted to smile so hard until the hurt in my cheeks overpowered the tightness in my chest.
"You haven't slept all week Ju. Like the jokes, which aren't bad and you know it, you could use some sleep too." Ezra looked at me through his eyelashes, as if he was being careful.
"How do y-y-you know I haven't s-slept all week?"
"You look like it." Ez wiggled his brows at his own clown attempt.
"And here I was thinking I only felt l-l-like shit on the inside."
"You can't cover up the puck size bags under your eyes and your exhausted raspy voice. Your looks are impeccable Juju, but not that immaculate." I rolled my eyes at him, but he didn't take offence at my morning mood; he was used to it by now. "Eat something, you look like you need that too." Ezra eyed at the oatmeal and different breakfast options at the center of the table.
"What a-a-are you, my dad?" I rasped, pulling a brow at him, while I joined them at the table.
"Well, I'd like to think I'm a daddy yeah." His stupid joke actually made me laugh. It wasn't a loud, heartfelt laugh, but close enough.
"That true, Sophia?" I smirked at her from across the table and instantly she choked on her cereal, coughing until her eyes started to water.
"No comment." She smiled through her efforts not to suffocate. "Jules, eat something. My fridge is your fridge." Her smiled felt sincere, like I was still part of this family with or without Luna. Although it no longer felt like home, it was still a place I felt somewhat accepted.
"Sophi! What the-" Ezra, nudged Sophia arm. "Ju, be honored she's offering. I had to beg all morning for half a scoop of protein powder that tasted like absolute dirt. Who buys that shit in rhubarb flavor!" Ezra looked at me with wide eyes.
"What?" She shrugged "That rhubarb shit's expensive."
"And I will buy you as many protein powders as our ballerina highness wants, but no fucking rhubarb. You're getting the og vanilla one from now on." Ezra's eyes were full on twinkle mode as he was watching the annoyed look on Sophia's face.
"Ew vanilla that's so ordinary. I'm not ordinary Ezra." Sophia protested while I felt myself fidget with a loose thread on my sleeve, craving what they have and feeling like the odd one out.
"Oh baby please you're vanilla okay. Your soul is also black and bitter, but when treated the right way you become somewhat sweet." He said before holding an evident breath.
Oh my, Ezzy...
I popped my head up from between my shoulders to watch Sophia's reaction.
I don't know if she wants to hit him or praise him for actually being poetic.
"Say that again and you won't get another scoop. Ever." She looked at him with narrow eyes. "I'm not sweet."
"I take it back. I do need another scoop. A lot is at stake today. Jules, coach told me the people from NHL are coming back to watch us since we ran out last time to get to the hospital."
My jaw clenched fast, realizing the pressure was on. "Seriously? Today?" I shook.
"Yeah, coach didn't tell you?"
"He send me home yesterday remember?"
"Why?" Sophia interrupted, frowning at both Ez and I.
I shook not wanting to tell her but her gaze was pretty convincing. "No comment." Yup, I used her words against her.
"Because he nearly incapacitated the entire team." He spilled and instantly pressed his lips together.
"Incapacitated?" Sophia repeated and cocked a brow at me. "Ez, stop using fancy words. It doesn't suit you." She smirked, and now I was pressing my lips together not trying to laugh.
A loud scoff sounded through the kitchen and them playfully bickering made me believe everything went back to normal, if only for a brief second, until that second vanished into thin air. "Maybe I should c-c-call in sick for the game?"
"What? Why?"
Really Ez, now my lack of sleep and spirit doesn't bother you?
"My head's just n-n-not in it, if you haven't noticed? I'll ruin everything for you an Lee. You need to win today, not lose because your captain, can't focus more t-t-than two s-silly minutes before looking for her in t-the crowd!" I snapped, while Sophia threw me her saddest look.
"Jules." She whined, her bottom lip nearly quivering at the thought of going to the game without our blonde sunray to make that cold place a bit more bearable.
"A guy can hope." I desperately threw my hands.
"She's not going to be there." Ezra said dry and agitated like he was angry with Luna. He was, he was angry because of his own hurt from the past, because he knew exactly how I was feeling. Guilty, alone, betrayed, thrown into the unknown and never ending ocean of what ifs.
"How the fuck would you know huh!" I unwillingly sneered at him.
Ezra shook, his gaze low. "I'm just trying to save you some goddamn disappointment!"
"Fuck this Ez! You're acting as if she's already dead!" I yelled now, my hands balled in fists while my eyes tried to hold back tears from welling at the corners.
"Jules stop! Please." Sophia begged, reaching across the table to grab my hand, but I pulled back. "He's just saying you should focus on the game. Play for Luna, even if she's not there to watch you. It's a future career at NHL we're talking about. Luna would hate herself if you wasted that chance for her."
"You don't get it do you!" I ground in anger, my voice breaking into a string of raspy screeches. "I don't care about t-t-the future. I don't see one, because if I lose her, my future wouldn't be w-w-what I have been picturing since I fucking met h-her. That was my future, she was, and now I see nothing." I pressed my palms to my eyes, pushing back whatever tears were fighting their way out.
Ezra instantly scoffed, no sympathy in his voice at all. "Don't say shit like that."
"It's not shit! It's how I f-f-fucking feel Ez! I'm going to lose her, if I haven't already! She was it for me okay! Everything and anything." I took a failed breath as the air around me squeezed my chest. "You wouldn't understand!"
"Better than you think Ju! Fucking hell I know how dark the world can get! I know what you're doing! I have been there too!"
"And what's that huh?" I yelled until I saw Sophia's cheeks wet with tears and I closed my mouth, keeping another hurtful assumption to myself.
"You're pushing everyone away!" Ezra pushed his chair back and so did I, not wanting to be looked down at like I was some pathetic broken vase on the floor that needed fixing. "Not gonna happen! I'm your best friend Jules! I get you feel like you want to yell at the universe for what it has done to you! Hell, even yell at me all you want! But I won't let you push people away like she did!" He gritted through his teeth, while his arms suddenly fell around me and held me tight. "If you need a hug, I'll fucking bro hug you until you get sick of me. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen. But really talk dude, not throw things at me like Ez you don't understand. I fucking do. Don't ever say you don't see a future, because it's there, you're just not able to look behind the fog. Yet. I'll help you clear up the clouds okay!" He still held me while I felt my anger subside, the hurt washing over me while relieved on its turn washed it all away. "And if you feel like punching something you even get a free shot at my face." Ezra chuckled before letting me go.
"What the hell." I frowned. "I don't want to punch you in the fucking face Ez. Lee would have taken the offer, but no thanks." I chuckled back before slapping his shoulder in the more bro-ish way.
"Good, these sharp features would have hurt you anyway." He ran a hand over his jaw while Sophia chocked on her cereal on last time.
"Oh my god, Ez." Sophia chuckled.
"I'm serious Ju. You're my brother okay! I do anything for my brothers. Remy, Lee, You. You're my family." Ezra said softly, patting my shoulder while my gaze fell on Sophia's face, causing me to smirk.
Yup, she just realized.
"What?" A frown appeared on Ezra's face as I watched the glimmer in Sophia's eyes become brighter. I nodded into her direction on which her mouth parted as soon as Ezra laid eyes on her.
"Just tell h-h-him Sophia. He needs to hear it." I smirked, stepping back towards the doorway, knowing that as soon as she speaks that will be my cue to go.
"Tell me what?" Ezra looked beyond confused.
"I just fell in love with you." She spoke quietly, her mouth still parted as she anxiously searched his face.
"You?" He wove his hand at her. "With me?" Bringing his hands back to his chest his jaw dropped and his eyes lit up with fireworks. "Babe." He tried to contain a happy scream. "My brother Ju was right. I needed to hear that." He smiled at her, taking a seat next to her, still nodding with disbelief. "You love me? For real? For real real?"
She nodded while biting on her bottom lip.
That's definitely my sign to go.
"I'll be in the s-s-shower for the next ten minutes so go for it." I widened my eyes at both of them. "After, we're leaving for the game Ez."
I already turned my back when he finally muttered. "Uhu Yup." He was probably already kissing the shit out of Sophia.
Lu, you would have definitely squealed.
You'd so be happy for them.
So, I am too.
***
Game time. Meaning, I was already thinking about controlling my breathing more than anybody should. The panic was present more than ever as I knew for a fact my familiar face in the crowd wasn't going to be there to keep me anchored. Almost geared up I decided to retape my stick, my eyes wandering off to the lucky charm tape with Luna's signature moon and stars.
Biting back the urge to break my stick in two and stake it through my heart, I sighed deeply before I would start to panic even more.
Just breathe.
Just fucking breathe.
Why do I do this to myself every single time.
Why panic? What for!
Because I'm scared. Terrified even.
"Don't take that off just yet." Levi nudged my shoulder as he saw my fingers slide over the piece of scribbled white tape.
I shook, swallowing hard. "I wasn't going to." I sheepishly smiled at him, trying to hide the panic laced through my voice.
I'm never taking it off.
That way, she'll always be with me.
I fucking miss you Lu.
I'm not sure if I can do this without you.
"Jules breathe." Levi grabbed my shoulder, pulling me back into the ugly world. A world without her. "Think about L- Something good." He cut himself off before saying her name.
Is there anything good left?
"I'm okay." I lied, trying to fight the panic wreaking through my entire body. Trying to distract myself I taped up my stick, focusing on the repeated movements until I was done. I looked at it, disappointed that everything left of her was now covered up. "Do you have a sharpie with you?" I cocked a brow at Levi as soon as I got an idea.
"Uhm." Levi frantically went through his bag and when he couldn't find any he walked over to the coaching board and grabbed one off the magnetic strip. "What you need a sharpie for?" He frowned, handing the black marker to me.
I grabbed my helmet and put it in my lap, taking the cap off with my teeth before drawing a large moon surrounded with stars at the back of my Helmet.
Drawing is not one of my talents, for sure. But it does look good enough for me.
Now, you're with me Lu.
Always.
I pulled the cap from between my teeth and closed the sharpie. "All she wanted to do was s-s-skate in front of a crowd again." I tilted my head to Lee, watching a faint smile spread across his face. "In her letter, she told me that her p-p-perfect last moment would be to skate with me under the stars." I chuckled as the image spun through my head, my hand in hers as we dragged our blades over some rough winter ice. "This might not be a pretty lake or a gorgeous clear sky full of stars. But it's something." I swallowed.
Something good.
"That's beautiful Ju. She'd love it." He smiled.
Lee's hand comfortable squeezed the back of my neck before I slapped on my helmet and I nodded.
"For Luna." He nodded back and I swallowed the chunk of pain that was threatening to spill from my lips. "We all miss her." His jaw tensed as I could only imagine he had been there, read his letter, comforted Grace as she took in hers.
"Time to shine baby!" Ezra appeared from nowhere and yelled while slapping our helmets with his gloves, hyping us up to play the best game we ever played.
"Time to fucking shine!" Levi called after him.
Time to be the moon in a sky full of stars.
The crisp cold air instantly smacked into me the second my blade touched the ice. The bright lights were overwhelming and the crowed was going nuts. Their cheers were almost deafening, horrifying even, as they made me more than anxious. A heavy weight pressed on my chest while I searched the crowd for her, regardless for me not getting my hopes up. I spotted Sophia and Grace, no Luna, no nothing.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
The weight of my gear multiplied while my skates felt sticky on my first glory round on the ice. Like the metal was melting into the ice that was now hot like volcanic goo. My legs were getting heavy too, while my chest was trying not to implode.
Fuck!
I'm having a panic attack.
The lights became brighter and brighter until all I could see was the face I had been searching for, her beautiful smile faint, but definitely there.
Luna?
I could see her, but barely, somewhere in the loud crowd that was no longer a symphony of screams but a high pitched whistle in my ears. The light was now nearly blinding as I came to a stop on the ice, the hard surface melting underneath my feet while I felt like I was about to drown, heavy, sinking, my anchor dragging me down.
"Luna?" I yelled over the noise, squinting my eyes at the bright and overpowering warm light.
What the fuck is going on?
I can't breathe.
I can't move.
Feeling paralyzed I could barely take off my helmet, until I threw it into the puddle of shallow water at my feet.
No ice? What? What's going on?
This isn't real.
This isn't real.
I looked ahead watching her face faintly merge with the large bright beam of light that was blinding everything else around me until she disappeared.
No, no Luna! Where are you!
Come back!
My breaths were quick, my heartbeat racing while terrifyingly slow at the same time. My thoughts were confused and my head a complete mess, my fingers and toes tingling while also absolutely numb.
What the fuck is happening.
I blinked. Once. Twice. Suddenly all there was, was a silver glow in the arena as bright as darkness was grim and a steady beeping tone drawing me to different noises in the distance.
Trying to catch my breath I grabbed my chest in a panic, but my hands didn't move and then I fell. I fell and I continued falling back into the ice that was now water and not as shallow as I thought. The sharp whistle in my ears became another set of continues beats, steady but fast, in sync with the rhythm of my heart.
This feels real, but it can't be.
This doesn't make sense!
Help me!
Somebody, please help me.
I closed my eyes as the water engulfed me and I sunk deeper into brightness which consumed me. Wells of thoughts flooded my brain, while my limps wanted to swim and fight back to the surface. I hit the bottom of whatever pit I fell in, slamming my back so hard I gasped for air. I coughed as I tried to make sense of the blur before my eyes when I finally managed to open them.
A wave of energy surged through me, while the fog in front of my eyes started to fade. Even though I felt very much alive I still couldn't breathe, something in my throat, keeping be from taking a deep breath.
"Don't worry. We're going to remove the tube." A calm female voice coaxed, while I felt my airway tighten around something solid.
Breathe!
Dammit I can't breathe.
Help!
I told myself as a series of coughs ended with a needed intake of air. What I thought was fig were nothing but tears as I was crying, trying to move erratically but everting was still slow. Like waking up from a deep sleep or nightmare, or maybe even worse. The mist cleared and quickly I could make out a bright room, people who I believe looked like nurses running around while a heart monitor overpowered all the other noises.
"Somebody call Jules Martin's parents. The kid's awake."
What?
----------- 🌙 -----------
💛 And so the second plot deploys!! Two apologies: one, sorry for updating so damn late! My bf kidnapped me for my birthday and took me on a surprise trip so I wasn't able to write until yesterday! (also yeah I bought myself a Jules seven years ago and still haven't regretted it) Two, I'm also sorry for a cliffhanger the size of and actual cliff!! I'll try to update again this week because I'm excited for the next few en last chapters.
🌙 I know the whole plot leaves a lot of questions and confusion which will be answered next chapter. I won't leave a single stone unturned, I promise. But anyone any idea, theories of what happened here? Anyone who was onto the many clues?
🌙 Any ideas on what's next!?
🌙 Do you guys want me when the book is finished to do a little chapter where I go through all the Easter eggs? Where I explain a LOT of parallels? Or do you want to do the fishing?
⭐️ You can always vote if you want!