"You're like a glass shard, Helena, whoever holds you bleeds."
Jason had spoken those words to her years ago when she had called him to end their relationship. And right then as she sat on the couch, waiting for Alex and contemplating what she had to say to him, those words came back to her with full force.
There was a time she had been so sure that she had fallen in love with Alex and even though she knew she loved him, she felt like she was being selfish with him.
She had recently met up with Red Robin who had been investigating the case of the shadowy creature who had attacked her. And according to Red Robin, that creature was spying on all the vigilantes and was targeting them as evident from what had happened with Helena.
Unlike the Bat vigilantes, she wasn't really secretive about her identity so almost all of Gotham knew Helena and Huntress were one and the same. Hence, it was natural for her to get worried that the spy would come after people she was close to.
So far the person she had been closest to lately was none other than Alex.
Alexander Beaumont who deserved all the good in the world and she could not let him get endangered due to herself. Right then, she was cursing herself for not being able to see that earlier.
In fact, she knew she had considered that but advice from Selina and Jason, two of her closest friends, had encouraged her to give her and Al's relationship a chance.
But right then she knew that relationship would cause a lot of danger to Alex and she didn't want him to get hurt further on her account.
Another obstacle that stood in between them was Helena's lack of trust in him. She knew he loved her sincerely and would never hurt her but she had been through betrayal so many times that she couldn't help but prevent herself from trusting anyone else ever again.
She only trusted herself. And even though she had wanted to trust Alex and to fully let him in, she had found herself unable to do so. Deep down she had always been terrified of being betrayed by him too and that fear had kept her at bay.
The fact that she knew she loved him but couldn't trust him was another reason for her to stop being selfish with him. He gave too much and too selflessly, she didn't want to take away everything and leave him a hollow vessel.
She had o step back herself in order to stop that from happening.
The doorbell rang, shaking her out of her thoughts. She took in a deep breath to compose herself then went to answer the door.
Alex was standing outside, his features breaking into a smile to see her.
That soft smile which she so adored sent a painful stab through her heart, reminding her that what she was going to do would make that smile disappear.
"Hey, I came soon as the rush hour ended," he spoke up, his arms gently wrapping around her waist and though she didn't pull away just yet, she felt the weight on her heart increase.
Deep down, a part of her screamed at her to abandon that decision and forget about it. But she closed her eyes, ignoring those pleas.
His lips touched hers gently in a kiss and she braced herself, realizing it might be the last time she would get to taste those sweet lips. A part of her believed that it was for the best but she was still in conflict, unable to let go of him that easily.
"Helena, is everything okay?" He asked as he broke off the kiss when she didn't respond, noticing that she looked troubled.
"Sit down," she made him sit down on the couch, her hands entwining through his, "and listen to me very carefully. Please."
His brow furrowed in alarm, the pessimistic side of him drawing conclusions that were not far from what was about to happen, "okay..."
"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, you know that, right?" She was struggling to find the right words to talk to him, "but Alexander, I... I think if we stay together, it would only become a problem for both of us."
The smile faded from his face just like she had thought earlier and the pain in her heart increased. "But why? What happened?"
It had been so easy for her to voice it all out to Jason even though she had been conflicted back then too. But right at the current moment, she felt terrible.
It seemed as if she was cutting her own heart and throwing it away. The look of shock and pain on Alex's features made it twice worse.
"Helena, what did I do wrong?" His palms had gently cupped her cheeks, his voice breaking with hurt, "please be honest with me."
"It's not like that..."
"Then why are you pushing me away? I love you..."
Tears were pricking at the corners of her eyes to see those honey shaded irises depict such pain but she forced herself not to break down in front of him. She was the Huntress, she could not let herself appear weak.
But right then all she felt was weak. As if she had herself chopped off a very important part of her existence.
"Alexander, I love you too," she spoke up, regretting the bitter aftertaste those words left in her mouth, "and that's why I don't want to be selfish with you. I warned you earlier, didn't I? I will ruin you if we keep this up..."
"Then let me be ruined," his fingers caressed her cheeks gently, "I don't care."
"But I do... I care!" That once, her voice was the same sharp tone that could pierce through any heart. But right then it wasn't sharp with indifference, it was sharp and cutting from the pain it held. "Alexander, I have given this a lot of thought. It's better for us to just let go of each other."
His mouth clenched shut, not a word escaping his lips but the pain on his face was evident.
"Look, you're too good for me and I don't want to stay with you because that would get you hurt. I can't trust you because I don't want to be betrayed. I can't let you in because if I did, I would only be pushing you towards an end sooner than you deserve. I'm bad for you and this relationship is bad for us."
His silence was cutting through her and she no longer had any words to justify her decision.
At last, he spoke up, "are you done?"
"What?"
"Do you have anything else to say?"
The voice that had always been sweet and gentle was breaking but cold and it pierced through her heart, "no."
"Then listen to me too," he retrieved his hands from her since his temples were throbbing from pain and he held his head, "this relationship is not bad for us, it never was. You genuinely cared for me and loved me. And if you can't trust me, that's on me, isn't it? I can wait for however long you need to determine whether or not I can be trusted. But Helena... Don't shut me out."
"If I don't shut you out, I will regret it later."
"And I am regretting it now," his voice shook as he stood up, "you know what hurts more than the fact that you're ending all of this?"
She braced herself for an answer that would cut through her again.
"What hurts most is that you thought it was just your decision to take and you gave it a lot of thought but didn't bother to let me in on it earlier. You just gave the verdict, Len, you never asked me if I wanted it or not. You didn't even give me time to think... You're right... At this rate, you will never trust me."
"I want to but... I can't..." She stared down at her hands that were empty, "I have learnt that the hard way. I can't afford to get hurt further, I won't be able to heal again if I did."
"Then you must have learnt this the hard way too; scars left due to hurtful words don't heal either."
With that remark he left without saying another word to her. And the second he stepped out the door, it felt as if he had taken all her happiness and comfort away with him.
She felt empty without him. Almost as if her heart left with him.
And right then Jason's words came back to her again. She had made Alex bleed too just like many others before him.
She was the Huntress who merely pursued the prey for the thrill of the chase. She hunted and right then the pursuit was over.
But it didn't seem as if she had only killed the prey, in fact it felt as if the arrow had plunged deep through her heart too.
***