Harvey Specter smiled his first genuine smile of the day when he saw his associate, Mike Ross buy his morning coffee outside the office of Pearson Specter Litt. The sensation of the smile remained in his mind long after he had stopped smiling. Perhaps because he smiled so little these days his mind wanted to hold on to the feeling as long as possible.
"You really think your turning up on time every day will compensate for your hairstyle?!" remarked Harvey once Mike was in hearing range.
His face instantly broke into a mischievous smile. "I knew it would be either the hair or the tie! You are getting so predictable Harvey.. I am afraid of the work place monotony that's about to set in.."
"Shut up! I can't be innovative in my insults if you keep repeating your bloopers!" exclaimed Harvey as they started walking towards the gate.
Mike could think of at least five witty come-backs to this remark but he had missed the smug look on Harvey's face so much lately that he settled on losing this one! The pleasure of his friendly sacrifice did not last long as Harvey's expression changed the moment they walked through the gate. He took a deep breath as if it took tremendous effort to breathe the air inside. Since when had his workplace started to become his biggest nightmare? Oh wait he knew that.. Since Donna left him to work for Louis.
The sudden transition pained Mike so much that he offered Harvey his coffee in what seemed like a swift involuntary movement.
"What's wrong with you?" laughed Harvey having recovered well from the momentary show of emotion.
Still laughing he took the paper cup from Mike's hand and took a sip.
"This is too strong for my taste! Quit trying to show the world that you have hit puberty will you?" He laughed and walked towards the elevator leaving Mike behind.
It was true that Mike always reeled under the pressure of growing up and learning to be responsible, right from the time he lost his parents. But these days he felt it more than ever. He knew it had something to do with what happened last month. He was waiting for Harvey in his office blissfully unaware that he was about to witness what he never thought could become of Harvey Specter. He saw him breathing heavily and shaking all over claiming to have a panic attack. Mike's system seemed to have taken the shock well back then, more for Harvey's sake than his own, but it hadn't left him. It was still there reduced to an uneasy feeling in his lungs. So if he needed stronger coffee it was because he had been having disturbed sleep ever since.
Harvey busied himself in work as soon as he could. It wasn't customary for him to greet everyone on his way to his office cabin but he managed a small smile directed towards his new secretary, Gretchen. He wanted to be cordial to her even though her presence strongly reminded him of Donna's absence and thus the very reason he needed to consult a therapist in the first place. Donna had been his secretary and closest friend for twelve years before she left him to work for Louis. Harvey had not been the same ever since, he had anxiety issues and panic attacks. It did not work out with the therapist because she had dared to bring up his broken past, a part of his existence that he had left behind a long time back and had no intention of revisiting.
The only solace was that he was still whole and hearty to the world. Only Mike and Gretchen had had a glimpse of his disturbed state of mind. The former knew better than to mention it again and the latter was on too formal an equation with him to bring it up. Secured in the knowledge that he was still a bad-ass law attorney to the rest of the world he began what he did best, figuring out how to maximize his clients' profits.
Mike entered his office a little later slightly out of breath. "Have you heard? Mr. Shepherd died last week."
"How does it matter he was a.." Harvey stopped himself mid-sentence. Mike seemed amused. "Every single time!" he sighed dramatically.
"Fine if you want me to fake mourn I will do that for you.. But first you need to justify why you are wasting my time on this news."
"On his passing, his company goes to his brother. We are in charge of explaining the financials to him and also get him acquainted with everything else of relevance" said Mike.
"You could do that on your own. Why do you need me?" Harvey was confused.
"A.. The thing is.. His brother has not been in a great state of mind since Mr Shepherd's death.. I mean he is grieving and that's okay.. But he has.. Anxiety issues.. And that is a big problem for the company. " He looked up to scan Harvey's face who looked surprised first and then angry.
"Harvey don't get me wrong" Mike rushed to explain "the board of directors would never accept him as the new face of the company if he is not in a sane state of mind. He will need to convince everyone that he is fit to assume office."
"Fine then find a way to convince them." said Harvey trying very hard to keep his voice level. But his eyes gave him away. The rage he felt at Mike's words rose like a storm within him. He glared at his associate. He just had to utter another word and Harvey would lose it.
"Harvey" said Mike gently "All I wanted to imply was that you have a better chance of convincing him to seek help from a counselor or a therapist. You could..."
And that was it.
"No I couldn't!" shouted Harvey. "Or rather I wouldn't! He doesn't deserve to be nailed by the hammer of a therapist! He needs to be left alone and not made to feel that he requires help all the time!" He didn't realize when he had risen from his chair and walked around the table to face Mike. "And how dare you try and involve me in this when you know perfectly well that I have more important cases piled up..."
Mike mumbled something under his breath. He looked like he was hit by a truck head on. "You.. You gave up on your therapy?" He gulped. His worst fears had come true. Harvey was resisting help.
Harvey felt a huge weight rise up in his chest. Not only was he angry but he was suddenly too tired to put up with this conversation. Mike's expression of worry mixed with disappointment did not help matters in the least.
"Get out of my office." He said in a low but stern voice. Mike left without a word.
The rest of the day followed at a sluggish pace as no amount of work could distract Harvey from what had just happened. He was mad at Mike for ruining the one thing that made his life in office bearable. It was the banter he had with him every now and then. They had been through so much together, with someone or the other threatening to expose Mike as a fraud, or with all the wars that the firm went through. And the only thing that had remained constant no matter what was the ease of his equation with Mike. But now he had spoiled it by getting involved in his disturbed affairs, by showing too much concern about his state of mind even without saying it, in other words by making it straight to the list of people Harvey needed to avoid and shut out.
He reached home after what felt like ages only to be disturbed by a loud knock at his door moments later.
"You need to go back to your therapist." were the first words that tumbled out of Mike's mouth. In fact he had said it so fast that Harvey needed a moment to register what he had just heard. This was a good thing as Mike made his way in before Harvey could slam the door at his face.
"For the first and last time, stay out of my affairs!" shouted Harvey as he turned to look at him. Mike looked restless but determined. This was the look he had when he had done his research on a difficult case, when he knew he wasn't going to give up without a fight. This frustrated Harvey beyond limits.
"You think you can manipulate me into listening to you! Mike, I will not have you tell me that I need help or that you are concerned about me or whatever else you have come to tell me! So cut the crap and leave!"
"I am not here to talk about you. I am here to talk about me!" said Mike.
This surprised Harvey and Mike took the opportunity to continue.
"Do you know why I love superhero movies so much? The ones I talk about, the ones I quote all the time? Do you know why I watched them a million times as a teenager?"
"What are you talking about?" Harvey had no clue where this was going.
"Because after my Dad died I knew I will not get that security and protection in real life!" He swallowed and blinked hard. This sounded very silly and childish in his mind but he had to let it out, or Harvey would never understand.
"I convinced myself that real life people don't make superheroes! But that was until I met you. I felt secured every time you had my back, every time you protected me from someone.. at times from my own doing.. And I carry this security with me all the time. When I win a case, or when I lose one, when I think of my future with Raechel….
Harvey was stunned. His rage was fighting the wave of protectiveness that was fast rising within him and it was losing with very word Mike said.
"Don't you see?!" shouted Mike, now visibly exasperated, "I need the security that you will always be able to protect me. Because without that I go back to being that kid who feeds off movies and wishes that life were fictional and not real! How could you do that to me Harvey! You had a panic attack! In front of my eyes! And now you are trying every bit as hard to fail me as my superhero! So this isn't about helping you! It's about helping me.. And if you can't do that.. if you…" He couldn't go on any further. He gulped and looked at Harvey with all the emotion he could muster.
Harvey stared back at him with as much emotion in his eyes. He had never realized that Mike needed him to be strong and whole, and that he needed him to be like that all the time for the rest of his life.
Dr. Agard made herself comfortable in her chair and eyed Harvey with mild curiosity and genuine interest.
"What changed your mind?" she asked in a gentle tone but her expression conveyed that she needed to hear the answer before they could continue with the session.
"I left because I couldn't tell you the truth about how I felt." said Harvey, "It is extremely difficult, even torturous; to come to terms with the broken side of me and then lay the pieces for you to look at. It makes me mad at you! But someone did that for me recently."
Dr. Agard raised an eyebrow.
"At the risk of sounding stupid and weak and vulnerable.." continued Harvey calmly and with the hint of a smile, "but he did it anyway.. because he wants me to be a superhero and who am I kidding! I love being his superhero!" he laughed "Is that reason enough to want to mend myself?"
Dr. Agard smiled as she looked down at the set of questions she had prepared for Mr. Specter. The difficult ones should always have a difficult prodigy; she thought and continued with the session that looked promising.