- Clay -
We stayed at the club for almost two hours. By the time we left, at nearly 1 a.m., the club was beginning to feel more like a sauna. Sweat beaded on both our foreheads, dampening our hair. The collar and underarms of my new shirt showed the signs of a night of grinding on my boyfriend, packed into the throng closer than sardines in a can, but I couldn't find the capacity to care.
The night breeze that should have chilled me straight through had no effect as I held Emmett's hand, gleefully strolling through the shadowy streets of a city where I'd lived my whole life. It felt as if I'd never truly lived at all until tonight. My skin was still buzzing when we got into my car to head toward home. As Emmett's idol said, I was drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar.
"I think this was the best night of my life," I said, feeling the ache in my cheeks from so much smiling.
Emmett reached over to play with my hair. "I'm glad you had fun, baby. I just wanted to show you that being gay can be awesome."
At that, I had to laugh. "I know. If I wasn't gay, I wouldn't have you. That's awesome enough, without all the other stuff."
Emmett ran his fingernails across my scalp, sending a wave of delightful chills up my spine. "I love you so much."
I smiled, glancing over at my sweet, handsome boyfriend. I didn't want this night to end. And maybe it didn't have to. "Do you have a curfew?"
Emmett shook his head. He stared down into the darkness of the footwell. "I may have told my mom that I might sleep over with you if you asked."
"You really told your mom that? And she was okay with it?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Emmett had finally looked up at me. "We had a really long conversation about sex last year when she first found out that I was sleeping with Alfie. She pretty much told me she knew I'd find a way to do it, even if she forbid it. She just wanted me to be smart and do it safely."
"Isn't that what all parents say? Mike told me I should always have condoms, and be a gentleman, and never push the person—although he said girl—into doing anything."
"No. We talked about that, too. But I mean safe, as in doing it in a safe place. She made me promise to never go cruising in the Parkland Woods or to meet up with someone I don't know from an app. And not just because of STIs and stuff, but because they might hurt me."
My mouth dropped open. I'd never even considered that. But it made so much sense, given his history with that asshole Patrick.
"So, we should go back to my house then?" I raised my brows curiously, glancing at Emmett for confirmation.
"Only if you want. And we totally don't have to do anything. We can just watch a movie. Or even go to sleep."
I made the turn that would take us back to our neighborhood. "I'm not tired."
"Me, neither."
All the windows in my house were dark when I parked in the driveway. After getting out, me and Emmett joined hands. We were both smiley, continually throwing glances at each other. We headed around the back to go directly into my room. The motion detector light on the back porch flashed on as I fumbled with my keys, searching for the right one. I wasn't sure if my shaky hands were from the adrenaline that had yet to fade or the nerves about what would happen once we got through the door. I finally found the correct key and let us in.
I rushed over to the interior door to flip the light switch so Emmett didn't have to shuffle around in the dark. I also locked the door to avoid any unpleasant walk-ins.
Emmett closed the back door, flipping the lock. Something about that tiny motion instantly turned me on.
I couldn't take my eyes off him, searching every inch of him. I dropped my keys onto the dresser and walked over to meet him in the middle of the room. "I want to be with you. Right now. I-If that's okay with you?"
"You mean like what we did this afternoon?"
I shook my head. "I mean, like, everything."
"Well, that's very okay with me. But do you have condoms?"
Feeling heat in my cheeks, I hesitantly said, "I have everything we need."
Emmett leaned in to press his lips to mine. Despite one arm being in a cast, his fingers nimbly undid the buttons on my shirt, without ever breaking the kiss. He put his good hand on my bare chest. My whole body trembled with anticipation.
I pushed Emmett's jacket off his shoulders. He lowered his arms to let it fall on the floor. His hands immediately returned to my body, finding their way down below my waist, massaging me through my pants.
I finally broke away from the kiss to remove my jacket, hanging it over the back of the desk chair. Emmett took the break as an opportunity to remove his own shirt.
My hands roved across all that lovely, warm, olive-toned skin. I pressed my lips to Emmett's shoulder, the hollow of his collarbone, his chest.
My hands shook as I reached for Emmett's belt buckle. I chewed on my bottom lip, unfastening it, moving on to the button on his pants and the zipper.
Emmett kicked his shoes off to the side. When his pants fell down, he stepped out of them and gave me a gentle nudge to move me backwards until my calves bumped against the bed and I could go no further.
I took deep breaths to calm my nerves. It really felt like I was doing this for the time. My breathing grew labored as my heartbeat picked up speed. These things were usually a sign that I was about to have a panic attack, but this didn't feel like that. This was exhilaration, not anxiety. Maybe there was a little anxiety. I worried I wouldn't be good. That I wouldn't know what to do.
Emmett kissed me, easily removing my belt without even having to look. The phrase below the belt popped into my mind, though this was a wholly different context.
Emmett got my pants down with his one good hand. And then his hand was inside my boxers, his mouth still on mine. When he hooked his injured arm around my back, his cast was scratchy against my bare skin, but I didn't mention it. I didn't want to ruin the mood.
Emmett leaned against me, pushing forward until we were both laying on the bed, with his legs straddling my waist. His good hand tangled into my hair.
I gripped his thighs and lifted him a bit, rolling over so that I was now on top, his legs arched on either side of me. I pulled my lips from his to kiss a line down his torso, all the way to his black boxer-briefs. I stood up and removed them with a quick motion that made Emmett giggle and smile wider than I had ever seen. He propped up on his elbows. "Someone's excited."
My eyes dipped from his face. "I'm not the only one."
That made him laugh.
I dropped to kneel on the floor, doing my best to mimic what I'd seen in videos and what I remembered of Emmett's efforts this afternoon. That seemed like forever ago now.
Emmett grabbed my shoulder. "Not so many teeth. Preferably none."
"Sorry." I mumbled, trying to keep the advice in mind as I continued for a few minutes. I was thinking way too much about it, and it probably wasn't any good. I suspected the noises Emmett made were more out of politeness than actual pleasure.
I sat up and scowled at Emmett. "I suck, don't I?"
Emmett laid a hand on my cheek. "Well, you tried to." He was trying very hard not to laugh.
I tapped my fist against Emmett's knee. "Not funny."
"I'm just teasing. You did great for your first time. You'll do even better the more you practice. Which I'm more than willing to help you with."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'll just bet you are."
Emmett leaned in to kiss me, slipping his tongue through my lips.
When I broke away and stood up, Emmett grabbed my hips to draw me closer between his legs. He kissed my stomach in a few different spots before he looked up at me. "Want me to show you how it's done?"
"I'd appreciate that."
I tried to pay attention to everything Emmett was doing, but I soon forgot that, as the feeling overwhelmed me. I stopped Emmett before he could finish the job. I didn't want this to be over yet. There was a lot more that I wanted to do.
When Emmett stood up, I gave him a quick, fervid kiss. As soon as my eyes met his, my face grew intensely hot. I didn't know how to ask what I wanted to ask. "Would it be okay if we—would you mind if I—"
"I'm gonna need some context clues here, babe."
"I want you to be the one..." I laid my hands on Emmett's chest, staring down at my fingernails, which were chewed to nubs, too embarrassed to even look him in the eye. I couldn't even finish the sentence.
Emmett put his hand under my chin and lifted it so I would look at him. "I can't do it if you don't ask."
I cleared my throat. My mouth had suddenly gone parched. "I've been thinking about this—us together and what it would look like—a lot. Especially the last few weeks since we've actually been dating. And I keep thinking the same thing. And I don't know if you are okay with this—"
Emmett smiled at me. "I'm okay being the bottom. Alfie was kind of insistent on it. Maybe he thought it was less gay. I don't know."
I shook my head. "That's not what I was gonna say."
"Oh?" After a second, Emmett's eyes went wide. "Oh! You mean you want to—okay." He nodded. "I wasn't expecting that."
I brought my hands up to cover my face and turned away, mortified. I felt totally naked—in the not-fun, emotionally vulnerable, embarrassed kind of way. This was a bad idea. I should've let it go, let Emmett do that part.
Emmett pried my hands away from my face. He was standing in front of me, his body almost, but not quite, touching me. Still close enough to feel the heat radiating off him. He reached up and held my face in his hands. "I'm okay with that, too. If that's really what you want."
I blinked frantically, trying not to meet Emmett's eyes. But we were so close. It was almost impossible to avoid looking directly at him with his hands holding my face. So, I conceded and met his gaze. "It's weird that I want that, right? I've only been with girls, so I had to be... I had to be the guy."
"Baby, it's not weird at all. And you are the guy. And so am I."
"You aren't, like, totally turned off by me right now?"
"Let me just check." Emmett looked down between us, then back up at me. "Nope. It doesn't appear that I am."
That actually made me laugh. My tension faded as I wrapped my arms around him, leaning against him.
Emmett kissed me deeply, passionately. Then he said, "If I were turned off by the thought of having sex with you, in any way, we wouldn't be here right now. That's just like a lot of internalized homophobia messing with your brain."
I felt like I might cry. But I didn't know why.
Emmett's hands slid down to my shoulders, then to my chest, and down to my waist. "You understand it probably won't feel good at first. Maybe not at all the first time. It can take some getting used to."
"I know. I've read a lot about this. About what to expect and how to prepare. I just want to try. It's how I keep imagining it happening."
"Okay."
I pressed my lips together, trying not to smile. I took Emmett's left hand and led him over to the nightstand. I lifted the lamp and removed a skeleton key from beneath it. I used the key to unlock the top drawer of the nightstand, opening it to show Emmett the contents: a bottle of lube and a box of condoms.
"That's definitely what we need." Emmett said, staring at the drawer. He looked up at me. "How do you want to do this?"
"What do you mean?" I asked. Didn't we just go through that?
"Like do you have a position in mind?" he clarified.
"I want to look at you, like face-to-face, if that's okay."
Emmett nodded, giving me a kiss. "That's perfect. Just tell me if I do anything you don't like, or if it hurts too much."
"I will."
"Well, it'll be easier if you stay relaxed," Emmett said.
He told me to sit on the bed, so I did. He got on his knees and pressed his hand against my stomach, pushing me to lie back. I complied without question. I let Emmett maneuver my body as he wanted.
After a few minutes of my body quivering in response to his actions, he stopped. I looked up to see that he'd sat back on his haunches. He grabbed the bottle from the drawer and looked down, grimacing and grunting. He looked up to meet my eyes and smiled. "Putting on condoms is not something I've ever had to do on myself."
"I can help."
"I got it."
He crawled on top of me, nestling between my propped up legs, and kissed me. He was balancing on his elbow, his injured arm resting alongside my shoulder. Suddenly, his good hand was between my legs, somewhere it had never been before. His fingers were slippery and chilly—from the lube, I realized. My head rolled back enjoying the sensation. It felt much better when he did it than the few times I'd tried.
"Let me know if you want me to stop," Emmett said. "Like at any time."
"Okay."
"Are you ready?"
I nodded.
I winced, squeezing my eyes shut. The pressure was intense. I started to shiver, because it kind of hurt, but it also kind of felt sort of good. It was a difficult sensation to describe. I could hardly catch my breath.
"Open your eyes." Emmett's voice was soft and tender. "Look at me."
I peeled my eyelids apart. Emmett was staring into my eyes. Those gorgeous green eyes had never held such intensity before. He was sort of rocking over me slowly and I could feel the effects, both painful and pleasurable.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I gasped between puffs of air.
"I can stop if you want."
I shook my head, unable to speak again. I didn't want him to go anywhere, so I wrapped one of my legs around his back. It didn't occur to me that would bring him closer. I gasped as he hit a spot that made my whole body tingly and warm. I melted beneath him, dissolving into a gelatinous blob. No longer human, just a collection of nerve-endings.
My shaky hand grabbed onto his shoulder. My fingers pressed deep into the muscle. The olive skin going pale around my fingertips. I now understood why girls sometimes left claw marks on their partners. If I didn't have short, stubby nails, Emmett would probably be scarred.
I pressed my lips tightly to hold in the moans that kept forcing their way from my throat. I was very glad that my room was on a different floor than everyone else's. Emmett's lips crushed against mine. His kisses helped to muffle the sounds.
At some point (I really didn't know how long, because time had lost all meaning), he started moving faster. The pressure and the pleasure increased all at once. I didn't know if I could take anymore. But I didn't want him to stop either. I never wanted him to stop.
I knew before Emmett said it that he was almost done. He quickly finished me off before getting there himself.
Emmett pulled away and discarded the condom into the wastebasket beside the nightstand. He collapsed on top of me, burying his face in my neck, sucking in heavy gulps of air. He didn't seem to care about the mess he'd created between us. "Oh my God!" He repeated this three times with varying degrees of ecstasy.
My voice was barely a breath. "I know what you mean." I kissed the top of his head and brushed my hand through his sweat-dampened hair.
Emmett laughed and turned his head. He kissed my cheek, then my lips. "How was it for you?"
I didn't know how to answer that. I knew going in that the first time wouldn't be great for me. Everything I read said it would be horrible and painful and I wouldn't like it. I read it was rare for people to enjoy it until they got used to it. I'd fully prepared myself to absolutely hate it. Maybe that's why I didn't. I had certainly had a lot of pain, mostly at the beginning. But I also got so much pleasure. Which was a very pleasant surprise. I could barely form thoughts by the end of it, let alone words.
And it was great in other ways. The intimacy I felt whenever Emmett looked me in the eye. The fact that Emmett became a part of me. It was, in a word, "Intense."
Emmett squinted his eyes. "Is that good?"
I bobbed my head up and down, still feeling slightly disconnected from my body. "Yeah."
Emmett kissed me again. Then he propped himself up to look between us and back at me. "Thank God you have your own bathroom."
I laughed, which kind of made my insides sore. I wondered how long that was going to last.
"Want to take a shower with me?" Emmett asked, grinning from ear to ear.
"You go ahead. I need a minute."
"Okay." Emmett kissed me before hopping up. He looked back over his shoulder and said, "I love you, Clay."
"I love you, too, baby."
When Emmett went inside, I laid down and stretched out, grateful for a moment to recuperate. I just laid there, listening to the soft sounds of my breath. The subtle whoosh of running water coming from the open bathroom door. A cloud of fog shimmered in the yellow glow of the bathroom light, wafting out in curling tendrils before dissipating into nothingness.
After Emmett got out, I took a turn. I stood under the boiling hot water, letting it relax my muscles, recalling every detail of what just happened. Brushing my fingers over every spot I could recall where kissed me, where his lips and tongue lingered on my skin. I took my time remembering it all. Not just because I wanted to commit it to memory, so I could remember it all in as much detail as possible for the rest of my life. But also because it seemed almost sacrilegious to wash away his kisses without commemorating each one.
When I left the bathroom, Emmett was sitting on the edge of the bed in his boxer-briefs, his feet propped up on the wood railing that ran along the side of the bed. He smiled at me. "Are you still okay with me spending the night?"
I rolled my eyes. "No, Emmett. I'm going to toss you out at two-thirty in the morning after you fucked me. Because I'm a total piece of garbage."
"Sarcasm is not a pretty color on you, baby."
"Then, let's try on some sincerity." I walked over and wrapped my arms around Emmett, holding him close. "If I didn't have to, I'd never let you leave my side." I kissed the top of his damp hair, taking in a deep breath through my nose. Emmett smelled like me—my soap, my shampoo. I missed the scent of that sweet coconut scented shampoo he normally used.
"That's sounds a little codependent, don't you think?"
I chuckled. "You really are such a bitch."
Emmett rewarded me with one of his genuine, boisterous laughs.
When I released him, he scooted to the top of the bed and shimmied under the covers.
Rather than putting on my boxers from earlier, I grabbed a fresh pair from my dresser. I removed the towel and pulled them on quickly. It was stupid, but I felt a little embarrassed being naked now, getting heated in the face.
I flipped the light out and hurried over to the bed. I got under the covers, moving in close to Emmett. He rolled onto his right side so I could snuggle up behind him. I was glad he didn't want to be the big spoon. He preferred the right side of the bed and his cast created problems when we cuddled. Last week we fell asleep watching 10 Things I Hate About You—another stellar adaptation of a classic, according to Emmett (just a great movie, according to me). Emmett accidentally smacked me in the jaw with his cast upon waking. It didn't cause any damage, not even a bruise, just some brief pain and annoyance.
I kissed Emmett's shoulder after we shared goodnights. I drifted off quickly, which was rare for me. I suppose it was a night for rarities.