I watch the sunset from the pristine, white sand beach behind my palace. The tide lulls me into a near trance, while the movement of waves gives my tired eyes something to focus on. It’s the private beach behind the palace, and I ordered my entourage and bodyguards not to disturb me.
Nijala is ten hours ahead of New York. Right about now, Natalie is waking up. I haven’t responded to her message. I decided long ago the block where she grew up was coming down one way or another, though what replaced it was open for debate until we’d been together for a few weeks and I began to suspect there was something more than I wanted there to be between us. She’s smart enough to figure out what I decided to do. Her parents will tell her, if nothing else.
I haven’t slept in three nights. It’s not possible, not with the weight of Nijala on my shoulders. For all her conniving, my aunt Malika is approaching the transition with shrewdness that shows me how long she’s been planning this. I’m not exactly a patsy, but I’m not fully in charge of much of anything in my life anymore either.
I fucking hate the feeling of being out of control.
My father was deposed pretty quickly when he realized she had the military on her side. Since then, it’s been meetings, negotiations, signing reforms into law, paperwork … enough to keep me from thinking about Natalie.
Except at night, when there’s nothing to occupy me and my mind wanders. The transition from absolute monarchy into a constitutional one is being done gradually over the course of five years. Malika’s theory is that stability and gradual transition will prevent any sort of anarchy or uprooting of the society that’s been seen in other modern countries in similar situations.
It means, for now, I’m the supreme Sultan until the new parliament and governmental functions are in place. My power will be whittled down over the course of the next few years. In the meantime, she’s keeping an eye on me, and we attend all the major meetings together so we can then make joint decisions.
It’s been more like running a business empire than I expected. Lots of moving parts, lots of people, lots of financial crises over random little things. I can handle those kinds of issues. I can handle the awkward meetings with the leaders of neighboring nations, the press conferences and I even surprise Malika by aiding in the drafting of legislation meant to help smooth out the transition.
I’m no idiot, and I know how to write a contract like no other. I’m trying to be good. To do what’s right even if it means doing shit stupidly.
I hate that, too, the sudden restrictions on what a sovereign is permitted to do that a private citizen can do without a second thought. Responsibility is the cost of absolute power, and there’s a steep learning curve.
All my power, all my influence, all my money … It’s everything I’ve wanted in life.
But it’s not enough. I’m empty.
In the end, none of it mattered when Natalie told me she was leaving. Nothing I could say or do would convince her to stay. Her torture at the hands of my chief enemy is my fault. She wouldn’t be in this situation if not for me in the first place, and there seemed to be no other way of making it up to her except for respecting her desire to be as far from Nijala – and me – as possible.
It’s probably the first time in my life I did the right thing, for a purely selfless reason. Why, then, does it feel so fucking awful?
I bombed the hideout of one of my father’s closest allies in the government and told the others to turn themselves in or face similar consequences. Against Malika’s wishes, I ordered them imprisoned indefinitely without trial, right next to my father. This isn’t an American White Collar prison but an environment little better than a hole in the ground. I rounded up several of the higher ups from the shipping company and port who helped keep Natalie prisoner and tossed them in prison, too, then seized the assets of any family member who didn’t try to stop my father from abusing his children and others over the years. I gave Hasan – the man behind Natalie’s abduction – to George and asked no questions about what was going to happen to him.
I’ve all but decimated much of the nobility of Nijala – taking no mercy on anyone who knew what my father was and didn’t help the country or people. I then signed off on Malika’s proposals to open the floodgates on the Kingdom’s treasury to feed the people, rebuild their homes and guarantee education for every child in Nijala.
I’ve driven myself into the ground to keep from moments like these when I have a chance to think, to realize no amount of ambition or vengeance can fill the hole inside of me. I should feel something about everything I’ve done. I’m not capable of remorse, but … achievement. Satisfaction. Pride. I should at least acknowledge the incredible amount of reform I’ve managed to jackhammer through the system in only three weeks.
But I don’t.
The only thing I feel is regret about Natalie, in knowing that, if she never lets me see our child, she’s doing our baby a favor. Because I am bad news to everyone in my life. I’d like to think I don’t have my father’s sickness, but I don’t know. I’d rather not risk finding out how horrible of a father I’d be. Nijala will have an heir, if Natalie wants our baby to rule one day. If not, then …
I’m not sure I care what happens. It’s not right to think this way about my own kingdom, but I view my future here, alone, with complete indifference.
“Hey, yo’ majesty.” Alisha, Natalie’s best friend and George’s lover, drops onto the beach beside me, laptop in hand.
I glare at her. “I asked not to be disturbed.”
“You also told them I get a free pass,” she reminds me cheerfully. “Natty make it home?”
“She did.”
Alisha is quiet. The two of us don’t really get along, but I don’t kick her off the beach. I have to get used to her, for George’s sake, and because … she’s a connection to Natalie, and I have few of those remaining. I also find her complete lack of protocol amusing to watch, especially around visiting royals and nobility.
“What?” I grumble.
Alisa is gazing at me. “Okay. I won’t ask.”
“Did you do what I asked you to?”
“Duh.” She twists her laptop to show me.
I don’t bother looking. If I couldn’t trust her, she’d be in prison with everyone else.
“Want me to send her the info?”
“Yeah,” I reply.
“You’re serious.”
“Yeah.”
Alisha hesitates before speaking her mind. If we were dealing with anyone else, she wouldn’t bother. “Maybe you should ask her first.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. She’ll di it,” I say softly. “You got what you wanted. I’m out of her life.”
“What I wanted was for her to be happy.”
“Obviously, I’ve pretty much destroyed the chances of that ever happening.”
“Maybe. She needs time.”
“She needs counseling. George went through a stage like this after one of his trips overseas before he worked for me. Post traumatic whatever,” I reply. “If that’s the price of being with me, then I’ll save her the pain and keep my distance.”
Alisha sighs noisily. “Whatever. I’ll send her the paperwork.” She rose and started away, her feet digging into the soft sand as she went. Her footsteps pause, and I wait to hear her latest opinion. “I don’t get you, EJ.”
“Ditto,” I reply.
“No, I mean … the one time you should fight for something, you don’t. You crush your competition in business and you’ve thrown pretty much everyone of influence in Nijala in prison indefinitely. Yet you won’t even talk to her?”
“It’s none of your business, Alisha.”
“Yeah, it is.”
I grit my teeth, not wanting a lecture from the woman who was fleeing at least one international criminal cartel because of her lack of discipline and terrible judgment. “Because she deserves a shot at something good. All I’ve done is bring misery into her life,” I respond.
“She needs someone to support her right now. I can’t. I’m repairing the damage I did to your systems and taking orders from your bitchy aunt.”
I smile at the description of Malika. I at least have some patience with Natalie’s best friend, but Malika and Alisha are like oil and water. They repel each other every time they meet. “She doesn’t need me,” I say firmly.
“I know you’re fond of American slang. You know the one about pulling your head out of your ass?” Alisha retorts.
“You’re sixty seconds from being thrown in prison.”
She’s silent. Without George and Natalie here, my threats work better on Alisha. After a pause, I hear the sounds of her walking away again. To be honest, there’s a good chance I would toss her into the dungeon beneath my palace for a day or two, but I’d never send her to the gulag where the others are. Alisha’s too smart for me to want her out of my reach for long.
I consider her words for a long moment. I want so badly to be with Natalie. But if there’s one thing being with her has reinforced, it’s that I’m a blight on the lives of everyone I know. Someone as sweet and innocent as Natalie doesn’t deserve me, and god knows I’m terrified of fucking up the life of my child the way my father did Layla and me.
Reaching into my pocket, I pull out the yellow diamond engagement ring that’s been in my family for several generations. Natalie left it on her nightstand. I wanted to think this separation was temporary, until I saw it there. It wasn’t an accident. She doesn’t mean to return. The last rays of light sparkle in the cushion cut diamond flanked by smaller white diamonds on the band.
Maybe this is best for everyone. I trust her to raise our child – and help Layla through her teen years – more than I do anyone else. I have many regrets when it comes to Natalie, but the only one on my mind is knowing I had something so very beautiful within reach and watched her slip away because I’m too twisted by my past to deserve her.