After leaving Violet at Buddy's, I stopped half a mile away from his shop and just sat there. I couldn't make myself move for the longest time, only being able to think about Violet and the fact that I wasn't going to be able to see her anymore. The woman who made me feel more than I ever had before, who I just had to leave and drive away and act like it wasn't killing me on the inside.
I had been determined not to kiss or touch her, afraid that it would make it worse and make me blurt out all of my feelings, which had never been a problem for me, but I learned quickly that nothing was the same with Violet and comparing her to anyone else was useless.
I eventually forced myself to drive back to my cabin, knowing that sitting there when she was just a couple of minutes away was too much of a temptation.
I walked inside and everything felt wrong.
The place that I had been able to fill the silence and find peace just a week before was no longer the same. Violet brought a warmth, a light, that I had noticed and hoped wouldn't change anything once she left, but who the hell was I kidding? It just lacked everything.
I tried to keep myself busy, keep my thoughts away from her and all of the new and ultimately terrifying emotions that I was feeling over her.
You knew she was leaving. You knew this would happen.
I knew it would happen, sure, but I never expected to hurt this much over it.
My chest ached in a deep way that it never had before. Not even when my father died, when I was forced to deal with the pain of that. Which was crazy, because I only knew her for a little over a week and my father was the best man I had ever known.
Whenever he died, I threw myself into work. It made me feel closer to him, doing the work that we once did together. It made me feel like I was doing something that was for him and would make him happy.
But there was no way to forget Violet. Not whenever I could still see her lying on my couch with her sketchbook, looking so focused and lost in whatever she was drawing. And when I walked to the bedroom, I could smell her, see her sitting on the bed with her hand down her panties, touching herself because she just couldn't help herself.
I cursed loudly and slammed the door to the bedroom shut, keeping a barricade between me and those thoughts.
It wouldn't help for long, though.
My heart beat wildly in my chest whenever I heard a knock at the front door.
It opened a second later to reveal Killian, looking mighty happy, which I hated, and cursed myself even more for the hope the swelled inside my gut before I saw him.
I went to the kitchen and popped a few Ibuprofen to kill the pounding headache that was forming behind my eyes.
"Oh, nice to see you, too, brother. I'm great, thanks for asking. Yes, we missed you at work, and yes, I am dying to know why you took days off for the first time in..." He looked at his wrist, pretending to check a watch that didn't exist, and I scowled. "Forever."
I grunted and chugged a glass of water. "Nothing to talk about."
Killian raised his eyebrows and pulled off his coat, which meant he was staying a while and as much as I didn't want to talk, I was thankful for it. Killian was the only person in the world I could stand for long periods of time. Except Violet.
I groaned inwardly. All of my thoughts circled back to her, anytime I tried to think of something else.
"That's not the face of someone who has nothing to talk about. Come on. It's gotta be good."
When I didn't say anything, he pressed on.
"Let me guess... woman troubles? That's the face of a man with woman troubles," he decided, nodding his head.
I still didn't say anything, but Killian knew me too well, which made me even angrier for some reason.
"Are you going to tell me about her or just stand there and pretend like you can't hear me?" He asked. His smile never faltered, which was something that I almost envied. How was he so damn happy all the time?
"Like I said, nothing to tell," I said again, even though that was the farthest from the truth.
Killian studied me for a moment, which I didn't like, so I walked away from him and over to the couch, plopping down harshly.
Killian followed me, of course, sitting on the other end of the couch.
"Look, you're usually quiet, but this is different. You have to give me something, brother," he practically begged.
I sighed deeply and thought for a moment. Thinking wasn't good on my part, and I stared at the fireplace, the spot in front of it where Violet had laid a blanket down and...
I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts, once again. Christ, she really was everywhere, but no where to be found at the same time.
I stood up and got to work on starting the fire.
"What do you wanna know?" I finally said. Maybe talking would help, although I never needed it before.
Killian leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and smiled.
"How'd you meet her? Didn't think you got many visitors here."
"Her car crashed the first night of the storm. I was out walking around and getting things ready since I knew there was a storm coming and heard it," I explained.
"You brought her up here?" His smile widened and his eyes were twinkling, so I knew that he probably knew what we got up to, or could guess.
"Would've frozen to death if I didn't."
"What's her name?"
"Violet."
Killian was silent for a beat. "And you like her?" There was more to that question than he was saying, but I understood perfectly. You like her? You had a connection with her, the first woman in years?
"Yeah," I said truthfully.
"Are you going to see her again?"
I shook my head. "She's traveling. Trying to find a place to settle."
"So... she's leaving?"
"Think so."
"Did you ask her to stay?" His question shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I thought about each and every way I could ask her to stay, and imagined her response every time. I came up with one scenario where she would have said yes and held onto that, but I knew that I was kidding myself, again.
"No," I responded. I threw the last piece of wood on the fire and stayed there listening to the crackling of the wood for a moment. It was calming, soothing, and I took a deep breath.
"Why the hell not?" He asked, his voice getting a little louder.
"Because she gave no indication that she wanted to stay. I saved myself the embarrassment."
Killian scoffed and I turned my head towards him. "Bullshit."
I raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to say more, but he didn't. "What's bullshit?"
"You. You are. You had a, I'm sure, beautiful woman here who something happened with, who made you feel... I don't know, something, because I've never seen you like this. And then you just let her walk away because you couldn't be sure if she would have said yes. It's bullshit, Kin. If she was that great, you would've said something."
I grunted, more like growled as I walked over to the couch and sat back down. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"I know that this is different. You're different. You took days off work so you could spend more time with this woman, and now that she's gone you're just going to let her leave without saying anything."
"It's more complicated than that," I muttered, hoping that this would be the end of the conversation. Talking didn't help, not one bit.
He mumbled, "Bullshit," again and I huffed.
He opened his mouth to say something elseand I shook my head. "I'm done talking."
There was so much more to say. I wanted to tell him everything about her, how beautiful and perfect she was, how sweet she had been, and about those big brown eyes that were so intense but pulled me in so that I couldn't look away. Make him understand that nothing about it was bullshit, everything about her was more real than anything else I had ever experienced.
But he knew me well, and I didn't bother hiding emotions around Killian, regardless of if I wanted to talk about them or not, so I was sure that it was written all over my face.
Christ, the ache in my chest deepened further, which seemed impossible. I wanted to touch her. Felt like I needed to touch her, to be around her, for me to feel anything other than pain right now.
But that wasn't going to happen, and I let the thought settle, trying to reason with all of the other thoughts that Violet was perfect and amazing and everything I had dreamed about for as long as I could remember.
The universe gave her to me, and then took her away again as soon as it was getting good, as soon as I was getting good. As soon a I started to believe that something could have happened that was more, and then it was shattered.
I might as well have ripped out my heart and gave it to her, because it wasn't with me. She still had it where she was back in town, and I wasn't sure I was ever going to get it back.
Fuck.
I loved her. I wholeheartedly loved her. She saw me, the real me, more than any other person for the first time in my whole life. More than Killian, more than my dad. She made her way in, nestling in the cracked parts of me that I didn't think would be able to be fixed, but she did, without even knowing. And now that she was gone, those parts were even more fractured than before, if possible.
God, is this what it was going to be like from here on out? Violet invading my every thought and there not being one damn thing that I could do about it?
Killian was being oddly silent, even if I said I didn't want to talk. He usually talked regardless.
"Are you coming back to work tomorrow?" He asked, standing up.
"Yeah. Need to distract myself."
"Or... you could just go and get the girl," he said again.
I shook my head and didn't listen to him.
"Okay, fine. You sit there and sulk, but I'm gonna say this: I'm sorry, brother, but you're being a stubborn idiot. You're assuming that you know what she is feeling, that she wanted to leave. What if she was hoping that you would ask her to stay, and the only reason she acted indifferent is because she didn't want to embarrass herself."
"You don't-"
"I don't know what I'm talking about, I know. But I don't think you do, either. I know this sounds crazy, but I'd kill to be in your shoes. A beautiful woman who just spent a week with me, who I obviously have feelings for, I wouldn't let her go. I'd at least attempt to get her to stay." He stared at me for a minute, then shook his head.
I heard his words, but they didn't change my mind. Was something wrong with me? I was so adamant about not going, not getting hurt, but was there anything worse that what I was feeling right now?
Killian walked to the door and pulled on his coat. "I'm gonna head out and leave you to your self deprecating thoughts. Give me a call if you need, Caid."
I nodded and watched as he walked out the door. When he was gone, it was back to being cold and too quiet, again.
There was only one person that would be able to fix it, and I would never see her again.
I rubbed at my chest and finally stood up and went outside. There wasn't much for me to do, but I would damn well find something to distract me. Anything would be better than wallowing in my self-pity.
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okay, that was even worse than violet's, i think. i hate my characters being in pain.
THANK YOU so much for the comments on the last one, i literally love y'all so much, and you're the main reason that i finished this so fast, literally as soon as i woke up a couple hours ago i started writing after reading y'alls comments, so thank you thank you thank you.❤❤❤
i'm soooooo excited to finish it, but i'm not sure when it will be, considering i got like two chapters in 12 hours which is a first for me. but the next chapter i have been planning since the beginning, so i'm hopeful.
I LOVE ALL OF Y'ALL, MY BEAUTIFUL READERS, thank you again and again
i hope you have a good day😘