As you get older, you find yourself understanding things and learning things you couldn't understand when you were a child. Mapupuno ng pagsisisi ang isip mo. Mapupuno ng what ifs ang utak mo. What if I caught on earlier. What if I didn't do that, what if I didn't told that, what if I didn't act based on my emotions. So many what ifs running through your mind.
But that's also the point of growing up. Magkakamali ka, kaya matututo ka.
You are not a perfect human being. You are just a human who gets hurt, and who can't do everything. Not because you made a mistake, that doesn't mean you cannot grow and be a better version of yourself.
Stop thinking you're not learning. Stop thinking you can't move forward. Stop thinking you can't change. Because you can. You can always fix things right. You can create something you can be proud of this time. You can move forward because you are not your past. You can move forward as long as you remember that the past has ended. You can always start a new chapter of your life. You are not your mistakes so you can change.
I can change.
It's been four months since I last saw Kyner. I don't know what happened after I left him at the parking lot. Kung bumalik ba siya sa kanyang ina o ano.
Candice said, he's still trying to reach out to me. Kaya sinabi ko na lang na ayoko na siyang makausap dahil mahihirapan lang ako lalo. Sobrang guilt na rin ang nararamdaman ko kaya ayoko na rin siya makita.
Pero hindi ko akalain na mas malulungkot pala ako nang dahil sa kanya, kaysa sa mga panahon na nalulungkot ako dahil kay Mommy. Mas matinding sakit pa pala ang mararanasan ko sa kanya.
I didn't know that I had fallen so hard and deep. Dahil parang nabibilisan ako. Parang dalawang buwan lang! Noong nakasama ko siya! Hindi ako nahuhulog sa mga naging boyfriend ko! Kahit taon pa ang umabot. Pero sa kanya, nagawa ko agad ang mga bagay na hindi ko nagagawa noon sa iba!
O siguro dahil gusto ko na siya noon pa? I find him hot and handsome at the same time before. Natabunan lang siguro ng galit para sa kanyang ina. Atsaka hindi ko pa siya lubusang kilala noon.
He ignited flames in my heart as wild and bright like how forest trees burn. And as quickly as fire burn through wood. My heart lit up just for him.
"Clandestine Snorri!" Daddy pounded on the door of my room.
I remained seated near my balcony, sipping at my tea. I'm here at my room in our house. Bumisita lang ako dahil namimiss ko rin ang bahay namin. Especially my room.
"Open this door!" he banged the door again.
I stared at the dark cloudless sky. It's been raining for days now. I can feel my skin slowly forgetting the warmth he bestow. I want to touch him once more. Not his skin but him.
"Tell us why you did that!" Daddy said for a million times already.
Nalaman nila iyong ginawa kong pagtatago kay Kyner. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang nagsabi sa kanila noong nangyari. Pero wala na rin akong pakialam kung sino pa iyon.
My father was furious. I was silent the whole time he was talking angrily at me. I know it's my fault so I just let him. Hindi ko na rin naman sinabi pa sa kanya na alam ko ang mga pinaggagagawa niya. Hinayaan ko na lang iyon.
Nag-usap sila ni Ramon Kertia, ang ama ni Kyner dahil sa mga nangyari. They didn't sue me. Ayaw rin nang ina ni Kyner because she's still thankful to me. For taking care of Kyner. Saying she understands my situation too. Such kindness I don't deserve.
I wonder what will happen to me if she got mad at me. Lalo na't minahal ko iyong anak niya. Will she accept me as her daughter-in-law? Eh ang tanong, magugustuhan ba ako ni Kyner?
"Stop it, Vergel. Sasabihin din sa atin ni Snorri ang lahat kapag handa na siya," sabi ni Mommy.
Hinayaan ko lang si Daddy roon na kumatok nang kumatok. Since I hid the spare key of my room, he can't open the door. At naglagay rin ako ng lock na rito lang sa loob ng kwarto ko mabubuksan.
I avoided him the whole day. Bumisita ako rito para lang kahit paano maalu. Na nandito ako sa sariling bahay. With my own family. Pero hindi ko na iyon makamit dito. Even if my mother is here to console me.
When the night came, nag-ayos ako ng sarili at umalis na sa aming bahay. Kay Mommy na lang ako nagpaalam dahil alam ko kukulitin lang ulit ako ni Daddy.
And now I am at the bar in Makati. Drinking alone. Back to being alone. Always alone.
I got used to wake up next to him, that I can't fall asleep every night. Kaya naman kahit hindi ako palaging umiinom, napapainom na ako para lang makatulog ako.
Ang mga bodyguard ko ay nakakalat sa bawat gilid ko. Not letting any humans who wants to interact with me to get near me. Because I want to be alone. I am choosing to be alone right now.
Candice wants to be with me but she's busy with something else. Ayos na rin dahil gusto ko talaga mapag-isa ako ngayon.
Ayokong may makausap dahil sobrang ingay na rin ng isip ko kakaisip sa kanya. Ayoko na ng dagdag pang ingay. I know that I don't have the right to miss him, but the hope inside me is still stubbornly holding on to him.
I know he loved Imogen. Pero sa akin kaya, kahit kaunti lang ba, may naramdaman siya para sa akin? Kahit katiting?
"There you are."
Napaangat ako ng tingin at nakita si Dwayne. He immediately sat beside me. I looked at my bodyguards and sighed heavily. Alright. Kilala nga pala nila si Dwayne at alam nilang isa ito sa mga close friend ko.
"Sinabi sa akin ni Candice na gabi-gabi ka raw umiinom," he said worriedly.
"Leave me alone, Dwayne. Save the lecture for yourself," agap ko.
Hinimas niya ang tuktok ng ulo ko. "Silly. Nandito lang ako para samahan ka," he said gently.
Inirapan ko na lang siya at tinungga iyong hawak kong baso. Nilapag ko ang baso sa lamesa at nagsalin ulit ng alak dito.
"You're drinking bourbon? And it's half already! Alcohol poisoning," Dwayne shook his head while chuckling.
"It can help me sleep," I said.
Buong katawan na niya ang hinarap niya sa akin. "Hindi na ba siya nagparamdam ulit sa iyo? Hindi ka na sinubukan kausapin pa? Kahit isang beses lang?" malumanay niyang tanong.
"Hindi ko na siya sinubukan kausapin. You see, I'm trying to save myself," I chuckled. "But the fire was spread out. It already consume me whole."
Love is really dangerous. They smolder on like a fire does. And sometimes, they consume us completely.
Now that he's not trying to see me, I want to see him. I want to be with him. I want to feel his warmth again. His sweetness, his embrace, his kisses.
"I can be the water, Snorri," Dwayne said. I only smirked at that.
Pero alam ko, masasaktan lang ako kapag nagkita pa kami ni Kyner. I heard he regained his memory. Malamang matutuloy na iyong pagmamahalan nila ni Imogen na naudlot dahil sa akin. O baka nagpaplano na silang magpakasal.
I'd rather attend his funeral than his wedding with someone else.
"You should find yourself a girlfriend. Dapat nga nag-a-asawa ka na," I said.
He's five years older than me. Ayaw pa rin magseryoso at puro laro pa rin ang ginagawa. Nagbibiro pa na ako ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw niya pa magseryoso. As if naman.
"Dwayne!"
Nilingon ni Dwayne iyong tumawag sa kanya. Nanatili naman ang mga mata ko sa basong hawak.
"Wait here, Snowball. Huwag ka muna uuwi ah? Ihahatid kita sa inyo. Wait for me, okay?" Dwayne kissed my cheek and stood up. Hindi na ako kumibo at hinayaan na lang siyang umalis.
I spun around to look at my surroundings, regretting the abrupt movement when the effects of the alcohol made my head spin as well. I'm clearly drunk.
I was deciding to leave when I caught a familiar face. My heart jumped out of its ribcage when I saw him. Nakaupo sa isang VIP couch hindi kalayuan sa pwesto ko. Madilim ang mukha habang nakatingin sa akin. Gone was the gentle eyes when he was looking at me. He was looking at me with such coldness in his eyes now.
See that? You regained your memory. You realized that you didn't really love me, yeah?
I shivered and swallowed the lump in my throat. I looked away. Tinungga ko ulit iyong laman ng hawak kong baso. Hindi ko na lasa ang pait nito dahil sa kalasingan.
I fucking miss him, alright!
Tumingin ulit ako sa kanya. Ganoon pa rin ang tingin niya sa akin. Pero nagawi ang tingin ko sa katabi niya. It's Imogen. She was laughing while talking to someone in their circle. I only know Kyner, Imogen and Knight in their couch.
Binalik ko ang tingin sa kanya. Namumungay ang mga mata kong tinignan siya ng buong-buo. He hasn't changed at all. Mas lalo lang siya tumikas. Mas lalo lang siyang g-um-wapo.
His jaw clenched repeatedly. I bit my lower lip hard to wake myself up. And to prevent myself to go to him and touch that perfect jaw.
Bigla siyang nilingon ni Imogen at may binulong sa kanya. Nanatili naman ang mga mata niya sa akin. Imogen laughed and snaked her arm around his waist while she was still murmuring something in his ear. Nilagay naman ni Kyner ang kamay sa balikat nito.
I looked away. His embrace was the safest place I've ever known. But sadly, it doesn't belong to me anymore.
Now, I'm torn if I will go home or if I I'll still stay here. I want to see him but I don't like what I'm seeing right now. I guess, I'll go home, then. I'm already drunk anyway. I'll just sleep the pain away! What I've been doing for the past months!
I chuckled to myself. I told to one of my bodyguards to close my tab and gave him my card to pay for my drinks.
Madadaanan ko ang lamesa nila kaya naman inayos ko muna ang sarili bago umalis. I still want to be beautiful even though I'm in pain. Para naman maisip ni Kyner na maganda rin naman ako. At pwedeng-pwede niya akong piliin.
I chuckled again. I'm so so drunk.
I stood up. The world suddenly spin around me. I bowed my head a bit and closed my eyes tightly. Lasing na naman akong uuwi. Papagalitan na naman ako ni Candice dahil nagpakalasing na naman ako ng sobra pero wala rin naman siyang magagawa.
"Kailangan niyo po ba ng tulong, ma'am?" Isaac asked, he is my bodyguard since I was a kid.
Kapag nalalasing ako, siya ang umaalalay sa akin para makalabas nitong bar. Good thing I always bring him with me. Walang nakakalapit sa akin na mga dugyot na manyak.
"Nah," I said.
Nagsimula na ako maglakad. Kahit umiikot na ang paningin ko, kaya ko pa naman maglakad ng diretso.
I was nearing their table when someone accidentally pushed me causing me to tripped. Tumama ako sa isang lalaki na nakaupo katabi lang ng kanilang lamesa. Napatayo ito at agad umalalay sa akin.
"Are you okay, Snorri?" the guy said. I don't know him.
Sinenyasan ko si Isaac na hayaan lang ako dahil nakita ko ang pag-alma niya. But then, the guy suddenly pulled away from me with such force, that I was left wondering if his angry girlfriend did it.
No. An angry Kyner did.
"Ako na," he said in a low dangerous voice, keeping me beside him with his hand around my upper arm.
Mabilis na kumalat ang init sa aking katawan sa simple niyang paghawak sa akin. I bit my lower lip.
And my poor heart jumped because of happiness. Stupid heart. So simple.
Tinaas naman nang lalaki ang dalawang kamay niya habang nakatingin kay Kyner. Tumango ito at bumalik sa kanyang upuan. Hinila naman ako roon paalis ni Kyner. Malalaki ang hakbang niya kaya naman nahirapan ako sa pagsunod sa kanya.
"Hey! Can you slow down? My head is spinning!" reklamo ko.
Bumagal ang lakad niya. Tinanggal ko ang hawak niya sa aking braso. Nilingon niya ako dahil doon.
"Huwag mo ako ganyan hawakan," mahinahon kong sinabi. I slowly took his hand and intertwined our hands. "Hold me like this."
Parang napaso, agad niyang binawi iyong kamay niya sa akin. Binalak kong habulin iyong kamay niya para hawakan ulit pero lumayo siya sa akin.
"Go home. You're drunk," he said coldly.
But the cold wind came through. It seeped into my heart and killed the fire within me. The warmth hands that I used to hold, had now turned cold and is pushing me away. While I'm here, struggling to feel that warmth again.
"Pauwi naman na talaga ako eh," I murmured.
Tumingin siya kay Isaac at may sinenyas sa kanya. Biglang umalis si Isaac na walang ibang sinasabi. Hinayaan ko na lang iyon dahil nandito naman na si Kyner.
Nagsimula na akong maglakad para makapunta na sa parking lot. I can feel the gaze of the people here in the bar. Eyeing us with curiosity in their eyes. Eyeing Kyner because he's so fucking mouthwatering.
I smirked. Maglaway na lang kayo. Hindi niyo siya matitikman.
I caught Kyner staring at me with darkness in his eyes. My smirk faded. Isa na rin pala ako sa mga taong hindi na siya matitikman pa ulit. Imogen, so lucky.
"Why are you here, anyway?" I asked Kyner.
"Don't get the wrong idea--"
I cut him off. "I'm not getting the wrong idea here! Bumalik ka na roon sa mahal mo. I have my bodyguards with me. I don't need you here."
"Of course you don't need me anymore. Nakuha mo na ang gusto mo sa akin, hindi ba?" he spat acidly.
Hindi. Hindi ko nakuha ang puso mo. Hindi ko nakuha ang pagmamahal mo. Kaya hindi.
"Nakuha mo na ang gusto mo. Nakuha mo na ang lahat. You got your revenge. You successfully ruined me. Kaya wala ka ng makukuha pa sa akin," he said in a low voice.
Hindi ako kumibo. Huminto ako sa paglalakad dahil sa hilo kaya napahinto rin siya. He stopped in front of me and eyed me icily.
"You're not talking, huh? I guess you burned your tongue on all those lies after all," matalim niyang sinabi.
"Hindi ko naman nakuha lahat. Hindi ko nakuha ang puso mo," I croaked out.
Muntik na akong maupo dahil sa pangangatog ng tuhod ko noong biglaan ang paglapit niya sa akin. Huminto siya ng isang dangkal lang ang layo mula sa akin. He stared at me with bloodshot eyes as his jaw clenched.
"I'm not up for your drama anymore, Snorri! I'm done with your soul-killing opera! So, spare me!" he said through gritted teeth.
I flinched a little when he called my name. Kung dati, laging may lambing ang pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko, ngayon puro poot na lang iyon.
"My mother almost died because of you," he said emphatically.
"I know. And I am sorry for that. I really am," I said calmly and bit my lower lip.
He stared at my lips then to my eyes. "Hindi sapat ang paumanhin mo. What if she died because of you? What you gonna do? Manghihingi ng tawad hanggang mabuhay siya?"
Her death would probably be added to my baggage. To my pain. To my grief and sorrow. Malamang, hindi ko rin talaga alam ang gagawin kung namatay nga siya. Pero mabuti pa rin ang kalangitan sa akin at hindi niya iyon hinayaan mangyari.
I looked into his eyes. Kitang-kita ang galit doon. Ang rahas. Ang pagkamuhi. At isang emosyon na hindi ko mapangalanan.
My heart ache. I don't like the way he looked at me. I don't like it. I hate it.
"I'll do everything so you can forgive me," I said. "Everything, Kyner."
Pinatawad ako ng ina niya. At maliwanag na si Kyner ay hindi pa. Hindi siya nakapagtrabaho. Pinuno ko ng kasinungalingan ang utak niya. Hiniwalay ko siya sa kanyang ina at sa taong mahal niya.
At ayokong tumagal pa ang galit niya sa akin. Ayoko nito. Gusto kong bumalik ang titig niya sa akin noon. Iyong puno ng pagmamahal at init.
He froze a bit. He licked his lips and stared at me for a few minutes. Palipat-lipat ang tingin niya sa aking labi at aking mga mata.
"Kahit kaunti lang ba, may naramdaman ka para sa akin?" seryoso ang tanong niya pero narinig ko rin ang kaunting takot sa tono niya.
Natigilan ako. My mouth wants to answer his question but no sound escapes. Of course I know the answer to that. But I just stared at him in silence. Frozen.
Bumalot ang sakit at pagkabigo sa mukha niya. I blinked. And it replaced with fury. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung guni-guni ko lang ba iyon. O dala lang ng kalasingan ko. Baka nga guni-guni lang.
"I want you to marry me," he said coldly.
"Huh?"
Para akong nabingi dahil sa sinabi niya. Did I hear him right? He wants me to marry him? Marry him? Marriage with me?
What kind of punishment is this? So simple and... lovely.
"Gusto kong magdusa ka dahil nagpakasal ka sa taong hindi mo mahal. Na dahil pinakasalan mo ako, hindi mo na makakasama pa ang taong mahal... mo. Gusto kong magdusa ka sa piling ko," he said it like he is cursing me. "Hindi ka makakawala sa akin."
I blinked at him. "Okay."
Umigting ang kanyang panga at tumalim ang mga mata niya. Parang galit pa siya sa isinagot ko?
"Okay!" I said with a bit enthusiasm.
He cursed softly. "You're drunk. Let's get you home."
Nakainom man ako ngayon, pero alam ko, kahit hindi ako lasing, papayag ako sa gusto niyang mangyari! He's proposing to me! I will agree to that! I'm going to marry him!
Hinawakan ko ang braso niya. "Let's get married!"
Bumaba ang tingin niya sa kanyang braso. Naramdaman ko ang kaunting paninigas niya. I want to believe that I still have my effect on him. That I'd still affecting him. But the way he looks at me, got me almost shivered to death because it's cold as frozen water.
"I want us to be married as soon as possible," I said. "Maybe in two weeks? I'll use my connections!"
He sighed. "You're drunk."
"I'm not! I still can decide for myself like I'm sober!" I smiled.
"Mag-uusap ulit tayo bukas."
Huminto sa aming harapan ang aking sasakyan. Binuksan niya ang pinto sa passenger seat. Nilagay niya ang kanyang kamay sa likod ko, iginigiya ako papasok. At dahil backless ang suot ko, ramdam na ramdam ko ang init ng kanyang kamay.
I flinched a little. His hand was too hot against my skin. So hot it sting a little. But being burned by his touch was the most glorious pain I've ever experienced.
Nilingon ko si Kyner at nakita kong mariin na nakatikom ang kanyang labi.
"You still have my number? Saan tayo magkikita para pag-usapan ang kasal natin?" tanong ko.
"I'll call you," he said simply.
Pumasok na ako sa loob at nilingon agad siya. Nakatayo lang siya sa labas habang hawak ang pinto.
"Babalik ka pa sa loob? Hindi ka pa uuwi?"
His jaw clenched again. Making me think if his teeth are still okay there.
I pouted my lips when I realized something. Imogen is still there. Malamang, babalik pa siya roon! Ihahatid niya pa iyon pauwi.
Hinila ko na iyong pinto sa kanya para maisara na. He just let me while watching my every move. Before I close it, I stared at him for a few seconds. Memorizing his gorgeous face. Then I closed the door.
Pinaandar na ni Isaac ang sasakyan nang maayos na ako at umalis na kami. Sinilip ko naman si Kyner na nakatayo pa rin doon sa pwesto niya habang pinapanood ang paglayo namin.
Umayos na ako ng upo nang hindi ko na siya matanaw. I closed my eyes tightly and leaned against the window.
I wonder what will be our wedding? Is it going to be grand? Nah. Probably just a civil wedding. Tatlong tao lang siguro ang a-attend. The witnesses and the judge.
I wonder what my parents reaction will be. Will they agree? Or nah? Nah. Galit si Mommy kay Trinity, si Daddy naman ay hindi papayag na makasal ako kay Kyner. Siguro, hindi ko na lang ipapaalam sa kanila. Lalong-lalo na kay Daddy.
At si Candice naman, I'll ready my ears for tomorrow.