"I think you're made for me. Do you want to know why? I don't think you are ready to know. It's just too much love to handle at once."-Anonymous
Sarah Hill
The time is Four-fifty four. My anxiety attack has been done for a while now. My throat is My nose is congested. I want to sleep desperately. This attack has drained me like no other. They're so apparent that it's happening but ending shorter.
I need Oliver. He's a call away but a drive far. College should get me used to that.
Your significant other faded away like a memory you had to let fly. It's how every breakup ends when college starts. The hidden test to prove distance can't hurt.
Can we make it work? Will we work out?
The doubts I have. My hand pathetically reaches for my phone. It unlocks. I call Oliver. To my surprise, he picks up the call.
"Hey, Can't sleep?" I hear the drowsiness in his voice. I feel bad for what I'm about to say.
"Will we stay together in college? What if we break up?" I hiccup. My knee tucks up to my chin. The headphones plug into my phone. I place it in my ear. Another hitch of uneven breathing makes me aware of my heart beating fast.
"Sarah, trust that we will stay together," Oliver's honeydew voice breaks me. He feels pity that I called him. That has to be why he sounds so caring.
"I know and it's morning. You have to work and get enough sleep. I'm sorry," I cry. There are loud creaks in the background of his end.
"Don't feel bad. I think it's time I talk to you about this. We are a couple for a reason. We do things together." A sound of an engine warms my heart. I love him with all my heart.
"I'll be there, baby. No doubt or worry, I'll be there. Butterscotch, find Sunny. Then, count for me, okay?" Oliver speaks between the sounds of his truck. I grab Sunny from behind me and hold him tightly. I plop my head on a dry pillow. I feel like I'm cold sweating.
"Be safe. I'll be counting," I whisper. The call ends after that. The counting is keeping me busy and not thinking as much. My body is still shaking. The beating of my heart is loud in my ears. I am at number sixty-eight.
Does he want to talk about how bothersome my anxiety is to him?
That one thought breaks the chain of my counting.
On cue, the slight tap on my bedroom door makes me want go to open it. Oliver's face hid in the darkness of the early morning with a Nintendo in his hand. A folded blanket is over his shoulder. I can only tell it's him because of his green eyes that stand out in the night. I trudge and trudge before lifting the window. The slight breeze shivers the branches. Then I open the door for Oliver.
"Have you been counting?" He steps through the doorway.
"Yes, all the way to sixty-eight," I sit back on the bed. I leave the window open for the air to free me of the suffocating feeling. The first thing Oliver does standing this close is to kiss my cheek. He's careful of every move he makes. The other side of my cheek isn't left without a kiss too.
"You're okay. Trust me. Nothing will happen. I'm here." He puts my mind to rest when it's busy. My hand folds over the other in an attempt to contain my emotions.
"My anxiety attack stopped. I just have doubts that college will be harder for us," I said.
"It's probably just like going to High School. We're not breaking up as long as we both don't want to."
When I hear about anxiety and depression in books, they never dwell on what happens when you're alone. Such as being in public and nobody caring to help. You can also feel alone and can't muster the courage to ask for help. That's exactly how I feel now.
"Can I hug you? I don't like seeing you in this state," He opens his arms like he always does. A worried look etched on his face until my head hits flat against his white tee. The coldness cools me down. One thing I can tell is that it smells like him. The other is that it's thin. Oliver's arms cage me in. I feel his head on top of mine.
I stay like that for a few minutes until I pull back with urgency. I just want to feel him next to me. I want to feel his lips on mine and kiss him for driving all the way here at night. I'm craving his touch."What is it?" Oliver looks at me forlornly.
"Babe, can you kiss me, please?" My hands shake as they reach up to each side of his cheek. Oliver nods at me with a despairing smile. He presses his lips on mine without a second thought. I bring my hand to his hair where I pull him closer to lengthen the kiss.
A smile comes out of him. He moves me to my bed where he throws his stuff. His hands move around my waist. Oliver tries to pull away but I feel my tongue grazing his lips. He rubs a hand on my back to get me to loosen up. I suddenly pull back. His eyes are low and dark. I don't know what to call what happened just now. I feel the heat from his body.
"Was that enough?" His question makes me put my eyes to his lips. I just wanted comfort that I'm feeling okay. Talking doesn't suffice anymore. I don't like when he says things like that.
"Christ, Oliver, I'm not feeding off you or using you. I needed to kiss you because I want to feel that comfort in you. You're my comfort. You're the one I love to go to because you understand," I say, wiping my dry tears.
"Sure doesn't seem like it sometimes," Oliver trails off. I give him confused look.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I move my hands from him and fold my arms.
"Nothing, I'm tired. Let's not fight," he whispers. I sigh out loud and turn from him. I climb up and lay on my bed. Oliver took off his shoes and joined me in bed. My heart is still fast and my anxiety is lurking around.
"Be with me. Not in your head, here," he affirmed.
"Here," I say to myself. My shaking hands are slowly subsiding. Oliver's warm body leaves me to fill a glass of water. He hands me the glass which I drink down and slowly lean back. He slips back in bed with me.
"I am proud that it did not last long. You stood your ground. When I met you, I thought you were able to hold yourself and you were going through all this misery," Oliver whispers, stroking my hands. They shake as he continues talking with a smile. I listen to him as he kicks my blanket and replaces it with his. The strong cologne musk of him surrounds me. I love it dearly. It makes me feel safe. Sunny is on the other side of me. Home is also right here in my arms.
"You were so colorful in your smile and sweet with your actions. No matter how sassy you seemed," he continues. Oliver moves his body to lay flat on the bed. His other hand pulls me onto his chest. The loud thumps fill my ear. The blanket comes up to my face. One of Oliver's hands is around me and holding his Nintendo steady.
"You know, I would have never thought, hey, that girl, Sarah, has problems. No, I just thought damn, I hope I didn't scare her away. She's someone I want to keep around," He slips a finger around the bracelet he got me. I breathe in and out. Oliver is looking down at me now. I kiss his lips and he takes his hand from mine to rub my temples.
"When I met you, I thought, he has a big dick but then I got to know you and that was nice too," I giggle. Oliver rolls his eyes.
"Oh, wow. You fell in love because of my dick?"
"Love works in mysterious ways," I whisper to him. He shakes his head and looks at me coyly.
"Sarah, I think you should get help from your Dad or a app," he suggests again. I look up at him.
"Maybe, an app that focuses on therapy for anxiety and panic is the solution for now. I just need you to be okay when I leave you. It can't always be this," Oliver whispers back.
"I know that and I'm trying," I say.
"That's what college is for," Oliver says straightforwardly. I close my mouth and stay silent. Does he want distance?
"You need me. I know you do but I feel like sometimes I need myself and not to be with you all the time," He glances down at me. I look at his tee that rose with his breathing. You can see the tattoo of the rose being cut open on his arm.
"Okay. I'll try not to get in the way of that next time," I murmur.
"I just wanted to tell you. I've been lost a lot these days." His eyes soften, seeing my tired eyes. Oliver rests his Nintendo down to slip a hand to mine that he rubs soothingly. I can feel his eyes on me, so I meet his.
"Lost?" I squeeze his hand. I force my eyes to stay open.
"Yeah, lost in how I should feel, act, think." Oliver looks away to stare blankly. I take my hand to his face. He smiles and shakes his head.
"I'm good. Fine," he says.
"It's okay to not be okay," I say almost the same comforting words he's said to me. Oliver blinks back the water in his eyes.
"Sure." We hold that stare for just seconds. The worry I feel appears on my face. The raw emotion he's giving is just by the look in his eyes. I let my hand fall from his. I don't know what else to do about how he feels.
"In the orphanage, when Kaiden and I were restless, we would listen to each other's heartbeats. It gave us hope that there was a tomorrow regardless of the situation we were in," he reminisced.
On TV, orphanages in children's show rainbows and families adopting someone new. That is not the reality. I'm not sure I will ever understand what it's like because I have the privilege of two parents. I don't think he'll see his past as a negative. I wouldn't. He grew from that trauma and expanded his heart to accept more experiences even with the death of Kaiden.
I wonder if he has visited Kaiden's grave. Years have passed since then. I haven't even noticed my heart that is beating calmer. Oliver's face pulls into a weary smile. He moves his hand to yawn into his arm. "I feel better after you told me that," I tell him. My finger traces around the bracelet he gave me.
"Yeah, I have kept it to myself until now. The sun is coming up. Let's at least get a nap in before work," Oliver rests a hand on my head. He moved my hair back with every stroke of his hand.
The small ounce of the sun is coming in. He uses his other hand to play sleep sounds. I've never tried it before. The deep hallowing noises lull me. I can feel the exhaustion from my attack putting me in a deep sleep. The last thing I hear besides the chirping of the birds outside is Oliver's soft kiss to my temple. As I've said, we're inseparable. I went to sleep with an idea bright in my head.