the smell of the hospital made me sick to my stomach, i was in the waiting room along with finneas, claudia, and edens parents which i've only ever seen twice.
she looked a lot like her mom actually, from the head shape to the cute button nose. their lips weren't really the same shape but everything else was pretty much accurate.
her dad looked like he'd been beaten up before coming here, his hair was messy and he was bleeding a little on his forehead. he looked kinda like a bum, no offense.
since they've got here all her dad has been doing was complaining about how much this and that will cost, it took everything in me to not tell him to shut the fuck up.
but i kept my composures , her mom had been bouncing her leg, biting her nails, and she'd been wearing sunglasses this whole time.
i think she hadn't stopped crying since they got here.
claudia was asleep and finneas was on the side of me, jordan had just gotten here and all i could say was he looked stressed.
my shirt had dried a dingy red and to be honest i knew i looked a mess but i couldn't give a fuck right now. all i want is for eden to be okay.
i couldn't stand the anxiety of the silence and waiting for the doctor to come out and tell us hopefully good news. the monitors beeped and the keyboards clicked away like no tomorrow, and it was like nails on a chalkboard.
itching at my brain in the wrong way, i didn't like this feeling.
we were just having fun yesterday, i don't know what happened. did i do something? maybe if i would've begged her to stay the night she'd be okay.
or maybe if i hadn't even been so clingy.
it's wrong to think this is my fault but i couldn't help it. i couldn't help to think about what i could've done to prevent us from even being here in the first place.
to prevent my tears, to prevent my screams, to prevent literally anything bad happening to her.
and all i could wish for right now was eden.
-
i awoke to my body being shaken lightly, and when i opened my eyes it was claudia.
"they're gonna let us see her one last time" was all she said before walking away with her parents.
finneas stood on the side of me.
"one last time" i questioned as he walked me to edens hospital room but he didn't answer.
"what the fuck does she mean 'one last time'" i said again but he didn't answer as we arrived at her room.
i walked in as her parents and jordan walked out, edens dad didn't seem to care, her mom was taking it very badly though and jordan was sobbing. i'm talking snot coming out the nose, hiccuping type cry.
getting a glance at eden i felt sick to my stomach, and it only got worse as i now stood on the side of her bed.
her lips were dry, and she looked so pale i could hardly tell it was her.
her eyes had been closed now and she looked so
different. she didn't even look like my eden, it was like she was a mannequin.
i examined the room, this one for some reason didn't have beeping so i looked over to her monitor.
it was just off.
"she's not dead" i turned my head for a quick second to look at my brother who held a crying claudia.
"billie, come on" finneas reached but i smacked his hand "no, i'm not leaving until she wakes up."
eden didn't budge as i shook her body lightly, telling her to wake up.
"billie i know-" claudia started but i cut her off "shut the fuck up you don't know shit!"
i didn't mean to yell, but my head hurt and everything and everyone seemed to be against me right now. even though i knew they weren't.
finneas only sighed and tried grabbing my arm, which i hated i'm not leaving until i see her eyes open again. i'm not leaving until i know i can see her awake again.
"don't touch me," i said as i yanked my arm away.
"get up eden" i shook her but she didn't move, she didn't move like she always did. when i called her name she always answered, so why didn't she answer this time?
the tears fled my eyes like a dam had just been broken, "please wake up" i said in between sobs.
i held her hand but it wasn't the same, it wasn't how i knew she felt. this time it was like touching a stoned statue that had been around for centuries.
edens hands were rough to touch and they were warm, but not the warmth that i knew.
"just get up" i sobbed as i shook her even more "please" i shouted.
claudia had left the room, but finneas still stood there not doing anything. "don't just- don't just stand there, go get the doctor!"
"come on billie" he held my arm as he forcefully made me walk out of the room. i was crying but i couldn't hear myself. like i wasn't really in the moment, it doesn't feel real and it felt like i was just watching myself
like a video rather than actually being here. it didn't feel genuine like i was just having a very bad dream.
as we walked out of the building my heart beat rapidly and my fingertips felt numb. my head was pounding and everything i was doing felt 10x worse than it actually was.
like my footsteps felt like i had 100-pound weights on my feet and it took a million years just to get through one step.
as we finally made it to the car and got in we drove off.
how could i just leave? it felt wrong that i was leaving the hospital without her.
i don't wanna leave, i don't wanna go home, i wanna be with eden.
but i accepted that my screams and hitting on the window would not help. so i held my face in my hands and cried.
all i could do was cry, cause there wasn't much else i could do anymore. i tried my best to keep her here, with me.
but i couldn't save her and that's what hurts the most.
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