Dean was now 23, his birthday was last week. It's late February. Dean and I have been tryin to hold back on flirting and what not, especially at work, until June since it's only 4 months away but he comes over to the house on occasion to hang out and I've spent a couple of my off days over at his house, but nothing major happened just hung out, smoked weed, watch tv, ride motorcycles, and we both agreed absolutely no sex until my birthday.
Kiara has been acting different lately, she's more distant. I was afraid I had done something wrong she's not telling me. Then one night I was staying at Dean's and she had went to Aris' house for the night I got this in a text:
"This needs to end. I will NEVER be able to choose you over Aris. No more flirty things, suggestions, or acts. I don't want it. I never will. I'm just your friend. And your just my friend. And it would make me happy if we stayed real friends after this. That's all I can think to tell you now."
I didn't show Dean because what was the point? Kiara had made my decision for me. If she wants to just stay friends then sweet, I got a sexy older man who loves me. Does it hurt knowing Kiara doesn't see me that way. Yeah, but hey I guess it's pay back for all the years I said I was straight when she liked me.
"You ok?" Dean asked me wrapping an arm around me as we sat on his couch. He traced my pistol and peonies tattoo on my bicep I had gotten when I was 16 and the scars from various injuries: work, manual labor, welding, trauma, or sports related, with his rough finger.
"Yeah," I kissed him. I wasn't though, my mental problems had been getting to me a lot lately and the message from Kē didn't help.
"Wanna smoke a joint, Babygirl?" He got up and grabbed a couple from his bed room and a lighter.
"Or..." I took them from him and set them on table and grabbed his waistband pulling him toward me, "could go ridin." He smiled he loved his motorcycle more than anything and the fact I liked riding with him made me that much more special to him.
"Baby, it's snowing outside. How bout we get some food then get baked when we come back?"
"Where y'wanna eat?"
"Free food from work?""
"Deal," I grabbed his keys and walked to his garage to, his second love only to his motorcycle, his sports car. I'm like third on the list or maybe four behind his reptiles and bird,though he'd never say that, he claims I'm his one true love.
"Hey, you ain't driving," he pulled by my waist to him, he kissed me and took his keys from me. "I love you little one."
"I love you too sexy."
When we got to Taco Bell and Dean opened the door for me, Chase and Travis greeted us. "What're y'all doin ya crazy kids?" Travis said.
"We're hungry," I said.
"What y'all need? Pope yelled from the back.
"I want 2 chicken quesadillas. Bab- Luna, you want a steak queorito and a crunchwrap with no tomatoes and a Dorito shell instead of a toasta?"
"Yes please," I told him.
"No tomatoes and a dlt shell got ya," Pope said working on our food with Levi.
"How sweet, he knows the food you like," Chase awed.
"I normally make her lunch when we're working," Dean smiled.
"I love the necklace, Luna," Travis said.
"Thank you," I blushed.
"Dean, it's that your hoodie," Pope nodded at me wearing a huge Harley Davison hoodie as he handed Dean a bag of food.
"Damn, she even stealing your clothes," Levi laughed.
My face turned bright red. Dean hugged me and I buried my face in his chest out of embarrassment.
"Y'all are assholes," I said muffled into Dean's chest. He played with my hair as I looked back to our coworkers.
"Y'all eatin here or goin home, since you got Dean's car?" Chase asked.
"Probably goin back to my place," Dean looked at me for me to agree or disagree.
"I don't care, your the one with the keys. If y'all wanna talk we can eat here," I said to the tall sexy man.
"Have you been stayin with Dean?" Levi looked to me.
"Yeah on weekends, since everything at home has kinda sucked." I was referring to Gabe fighting with his ex wife over custody of Luke after she tried to kidnap him. Gabe and Luke have been staying with us since it happened a few weeks ago. Kiara was hanging out with Aris on weekends.
Dean and I went back to house after chitchatting for a while. We ate and smoked a joint while we watched tv.
"I don't wanna go home," I climbed into Dean's lap facing him.
"Then, don't." He put a hand on my ass and the other on my thigh.
"I have school tomorrow and if it gets called for snow then I have to watch Luke."
"Your gonna be a good mom, you know that?"
"Why you say that?"
"I've seen you take care of Luke, Brava, your cousin, and those neighbor kids. I never wanted kids till I got with you." He kissed my neck then my bare chest above my shirt collar.
"We ain't having any right now," I pulled his face up to mine.
"Why not though?" He buried his face into my boobs.
"Cause Dean. I'm 17 and still in high school. I still don't know if I even want kids. I'm still raising Luke. Not to mention I'd like to be married first."
"After you graduate? We can get married if you'll say yes. I'll go buy a ring."
"No Dean, we ain't even officially dating yet, maybe in a few years we'll have kids."
"A few years? Baby I want babies," he was a little angry.
"You have a snake and lizard for now." He had and albino python and a bearded dragon.
"Not the same."
"I know and we will have kids, just not right now."
"Fine." He pouted and took his hands off my ass and thigh and pulled out his phone and started scrolling through Facebook.
"Really? Your mad cause I said we ain't having a baby right now? We agreed no sex till after my birthday so you don't get in trouble."
"Do you wanna stay with me?"
"Dean where is this coming from?"
"You and Kiara." He was steamed and it kind of scared me.
I climbed out of his lap. "What about me and Kiara?"
"You love her don't you. You said at the pumpkin patch she's had feelings for you since 4th grade, that's 8 years compared to our 2. Seeing y'all hold hands at the pumpkin patch and all she did for you at Christmas when you were mad at me, it fucking hurt, Luna."
"She doesn't wanna be with me, Dean. She is at her boyfriend's right now."
"But you still want her," he yelled standing up.
I stood silent and scared. When men yell at me I freeze because of the abuse I had endorsed when I was younger from my ex. "I don't know," I whispered and a tear fell down my face. I ran outside to my truck scared and left.
"Smokin like a freight train
Drinkin to drown the pain
This motor can't out run the heartache
Don't know how much more I'll take
If I appear happy and smile wide
It's in my deepest hell I reside
Memories or demons for my torment
Thoughts of dying is how my time is spent"
That was a poem I had wrote. Every word was true.
I struggle with PTSD, anxiety disorder, and bi polar disorder. I only had been getting help for the past two years. I'd only been on medication for about 8 months. It's still hard, especially with all the shit with Dean and Kiara, work, almost loosing Luke, end of the year exams, and graduation right around the corner. The demons in my head torment and try me every day, especially when my abuser is at school and I see him on a daily. Most of the time I go about it by nicotine and not talking to anyone about it. I'd rather just ignore it.
Some night are worse then others though. I drove down to the falls at 4am after leaving Dean's in the dead of winter. The roads were slick and snow was falling. When I didn't come home Kiara began to worry. She messaged Dean on Facebook and they ended up finding me here.
"Luna, talk to me. We've been best friends since 4th grade," Kiara pleaded with me banging on my closed window as tears ran down her face.
"Why are you doin this? I know I've been a dick but I do care about you. Babygirl, please," Dean had tears in his eyes.
"I'm really just not good enough. I'm too young, not responsible enough, not girly enough, not willing enough to stop nicotine or drinking, not smart enough, not calm enough, not strong enough. No matter what I do someone important to me is mad at me. I love you both but I can't keep putting y'all through my torture." I held the pistol in in my hand, sitting in the locked cab of my truck.
"You haven't taken you medicine in almost two weeks, Lune. This isn't you," Kiara cried.
"Luna, it's not torture. Torture would be living in a world without you," Dean called out. "Now please unlock the door."
"I don't deserve either of you," tears rolled down my face. I don't want them to see me like this. Why did they have to follow me.
"Luna damn it, stop it," Kiara screamed. "I'm not mad at you, that isn't why I sent you that text. This isn't easy but you gotta stop this. I love you. I need you in my life. Please Luna just get outta the truck."
"Guys just leave me alone. Move on with your lives. Both of you deserve better," I opened the revolver to load it. Six bullets. It only takes one. One and it's all over. It's done. I'm done.
"Luna, there is no one better. Please, I've never been happy with anyone the way I am with you. I love you, damn it." Dean said with tears in his eyes.
I closed the revolver and pulled back the hammer. Looking down the barrel and putting it into my right hand.
"You told me before you didn't wanna commit suicide cause you didn't wanna be blamed for it. Please Luna, please, I can't loose you, please," Dean pleaded.
"NO LUNA PLEASE NO, THINK ABOUT LUKE PLEASE HE NEEDS YOU. WE NEED YOU. I NEED YOU," Kiara screamed.
Tears streamed down my cheeks and I couldn't breathe. How do I mean so much to them when I mean so little to myself? I put down the gun and unlocked the door. Kiara grabbed me out of the truck into a huge hug and Dean held me close to him. I collapsed to the ground.
I woke up in Kiara's bed the next morning. Dean was asleep in my chair in mine and Kē's room. He had it pulled next to the bed my hand in his. Kiara was sleep in the other chair. Our door opened, it was Luke.
"Sissy, why are you in Kēkē bed?" This woke both Kiara and Dean.
"Oh thank God you're ok!" Kiara said.
"Luke go in there for minute ok bud?" Dean said to the small child.
"Ok uncle Dean," the child said and closed the door. "What happened to you baby?"
"Panic attack I guess."
"Yeah well I almost had one driving you home. I still think you needed to got to the hospital."
"They would've admitted her, and I know you hate doctors," Dean spoke up.
"I'm fine guys," I sat up.
"I'm so sorry about our fight. I scared you and I'm sorry," Dean teared up.
"Take your medicine now," Kiara demand.
"Ok." I downed the pills she handed me with a water sitting on the night stand.
"I sent you that last night because I know how happy Dean makes you, if y'all date we're still best friends. You get to have us both," Kiara spoke.
"Thank you guys. I love you both so much." Dean kissed me and Kiara hugged me.
For the next few months I was asked daily by both Kiara and Dean if I'd taken my medication and if I was ok. Dean tried to keep my stress down at work and Kiara took care of me at home and work. Dean wouldn't smoke weed around me anymore worried he'd start another fight. They both mean the world to me but I slowly realized who I loved slightly more.