Song: Confident - Demi Lovato
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J U L Y
"How are you feeling today?" wondered Dr Salazar questioned when I sat, not affected by my clearly aggressive smile.
"Absolutely amazing. The sky is bluer than ever, birds are singing again and it feels like the world is spinning again."
His head tilted, not amused by my obvious display of 'happiness'. "That's a good start." he opened the notebook on his lap. "And what is the source of this improvement?"
"I don't know, life in general. I think we should now cut this session short. As exciting as it is this emotional autopsy every month, I'm sure both of us could work without it. Well, you probably enjoy them more than me since you're the one getting paid, but as you see, I'm perfectly fine." I slammed my hands against the arms of the cushioned chair and went to stand. "So, if we have an agreement-"
"Sit down, Miss Thander." he cut me and I slumped back down with a huff.
"It was worth a try."
"Fair try, but now seriously. You know this do you good."
"Does it really? Because it felt like I'd been hit by a truck every time I left and there actually nothing worth notifying. I've been the same since I left the center. I'm being careful, I'm eating and doing exercise, but not too much. My last doctor's checkouts were incredibly positive, and aside from infertility, weaker bones and slow cicatrization, I'm as good as new."
"Well, you know, slow cicatrization can also be because of your smoking."
I rolled my eyes. Yeah, probably, but smoking was one of the few things that calmed me when stressed, when everything else felt like it could swallow me. It allowed me some control. So I smirked.
"We both know that's not going to change."
"I guess as much. But aside from your physical records, that as you said are pretty much stable I would like to leave those until the next appointment with your doctor next November. What about how you feel?"
"I'm great."
"Are you now?"
"Sure. Better than better. The greatest."
"Alright, then. Let's talk about this greatness, shall we?"
There is no fooling him, is there it? I should know by now that whether I like it or not, I couldn't avoid these talks. "Finals are over, I'm about to go home and enjoy the rest of these heat months in a golden jail before starting back junior year."
"You don't sound that impressed by this perspective."
"You know I hate law." I rolled my eyes. As if we hadn't talked about this over and over.
"And what do you plan on doing about it?"
"I'll probably leave. This is the idea. As soon as my parents agreed."
"Why wouldn't they?"
Because they want me to follow their steps into their firm. But I didn't say that out loud, instead I shrugged.
I knew if I was to leave college, I needed to find something else to do, either study or work, but I was a tool at anything. I wanted to pursue the media path.
My accounts were growing greatly, the collaborations were more than enough to survive and if I focused solely on this I was sure I could make a lot more money. I shall take the chance while I seemed to have the luck and the spotlight, who knows how long would it last.
Could I really make it my living thing? That would be pleasant and easier than a boring law career.
"Are you gonna see your family, then?" asked the doctor snapping me back at the suffocating room.
"I mean, yeah. That's the thing about vacation."
"Aren't you excited about it?" he wondered further in that tone of his. Like interested, but not prying, like he wouldn't judge me, but in the end he would have to. What was therapy for if not?
"Not really." I whispered. "I mean, I miss them, but they never seem to really care to spend time together and kinda grew tired of always seeking for simple attention. I doubt they would even know the difference between me being there or not. They're both workaholics."
"Don't you think they're excited about you coming back?"
"Oh, I'm sure they are. And things will be sweet for as long as it doesn't interfere with their meetings." I slouched back against the cushioned chair, letting it swallow me. "We'll be fine the first week, and that's being generous. Then they would completely forget I'm only supposed to be there for the summer and ignored my needs all together."
"Your needs?" that seemed to intrigue him and I inwardly cursed. "What needs are those, Miss Thander?"
"I don't know... the basic. A good day, good night and at least one decent conversation. I don't I demand that much of attention." but they always seem to neglect it either way. I shook the thought away, smirking at him trying to cover the sudden pang of vulnerability. "Will you miss me? We won't be seeing each other until September. Do you have plans?"
His brows shot upwards. "Miss Thander..."
"Oh come on, you're doing this emotional autopsy whenever we meet."
"To be an 'autopsy', the subject had to be dead."
"Yeah." I teased, but he didn't look impressed. And I guess I shouldn't expect anything else. I'd known him for almost four years now and his job was to fix my emotional mess, me stating it was 'dead' wouldn't be a pleasant joke. I snorted. "Doc, come on. We both hate these sessions. You know all about me, you know I'm facing a disaster to happen, allowed me some inner vision of a better perspective?" I pouted, but he still didn't look at ease. "What are you doing on vacation?"
He sighed, but finally decided the easier choice was to give in a little. "We'll spend a couple weeks with my in-laws."
A chuckled escaped me. "Holy crap, maybe mine isn't as bad." I laughed in surprise glancing down at his hands and only then realizing he had a ring. "I didn't know you were married."
He hummed, shaking his head and noting down on his book. "For the past eleven years."
"Are you still in love?" he hummed again, not really answering and I allowed my eyes to analyze the rest of the room for pictures or something that proved that this man actually had a life out of the consultation. "Do you have kids?"
"I think that's enough of me, Miss Thander. What about your vacations?"
"You have them, don't you? How many?"
He shook his head, glancing up with that impassive look. "If I answer truthfully would you be sincere from now on?"
So he's known I had been lying. I decided to give in, letting my curiosity win this round and -honestly- too tired to keep pretending. He would get it his way in the end no matter what. So I nodded. "Deal."
"I do have kids."
"How many?"
"Two little princesses."
Isn't that cute? I shifted forward in the chair, intrigued. "And how are they?"
"Adorable."
Way to be specific. My fingers tapped against the leather of the cushioned chair. "You love them very much, don't you? Otherwise, you wouldn't be spending your short two week vacation with your in-laws."
"Don't all parents?"
"Not as much." I snorted. "My mother would be sick every time we have to meet my father's relatives, and my father doesn't deal that well with hers either."
"What about you, Miss Thander?" he reversed the question, tilting his head to the side completely unbothered as he changed his strategy.
"Do I love my parents?" I almost scoffed, the urge to snap back something that would take me out this compromising situation was strong. But I'd promised to be sincere now, hadn't I? "Well, of course I do. But sometimes I wished I didn't."
How horrible is that to confess?
But Doc just tilted hi head, not seeming appalled. "Why is that?"
"Why do you love your princesses?" my eyes squinted, but he wasn't having that.
"Enough of me, Miss Thander. This session is about you."
I sighed forcefully through my nose, looking away as a horrible feeling gripped my chest at the confession: "Because then I wouldn't miss them so much." my jaw clenched, angrily. "More than they deserve."
"What do they deserve?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's more about what I deserve."
"And what do you deserve?"
I didn't know. Loving parents? Who would overwhelmed me by calling each night like Eli's did? A mother that would check in weekly like Hailey's? Or some that would visit like Riley's? Some that would want to see me and spend time with me and just ask how I was- And not because I might just be sent back to the center, but because they wanted to know the stupid handicaps of my daily existence.
But did I deserve that?
I was a bitch most of the time. Insufferable and snappy towards everyone.
Maybe my parents were loving sometimes, but I pushed them away like everyone else. I wasn't one to keep around but I still would like to feel like they want to be around. Like, a sissy daughter day -that I would hate, but they would be there for more than ten minutes.
"How many flings have you had since we last spoke?" Dr Salazar spoke all of the sudden and mu gaze was snapped at him.
"What's with the sudden question?"
"We were talking about what you think that you deserve. Maybe your uncontrollable intimate life is a mirror of that."
"Uncontrollable?" I could feel the anger rising like a vomit. "If I was a guy, having a girl over each night, you wouldn't be talking about my sexual life like I'm some slut."
"That's not what I meant. You can have as many partners as you wish. What I'm digging for it's why do you have so many? Is it because you're very active, or because you're trying to numb something else?"
His words hit me closer than I expect, allowing a moment of faltering. "Both."
"There you go. So how many have you since last month?"
"Two."
That surprised him, and to be honest, it surprised me too. My sexual life had been a lot more active than that since I was sixteen. Two in a month? That was nothing.
But what was even more surprising was that I was pretty sure it had decreased because now Riley was in the picture and it was weird. We were friends, but we were also more, right? But why didn't he make a move?
He was moving back to Toronto for the summer and he's invited me to join a few days, but I need to go back with Gracie to our own hometown.
If I had any hope to convince my parents to let me drop law school, I need to be there and play the good daughter. She would be out to some trip with Marco and then I could only hope Nate did come at some point or I would be stuck and on my own, but if I play good my cards I would be free soon enough.
And free would mean I wouldn't have to come to college in September. And Riley knew that. But still he wouldn't make a move. Apparently sleeping together -like literally just sleeping- was meant as a friendly thing.
I shifted in my spot, self-conscious of Dr Salazar attention at my unexpected low answer. "I kinda meet someone, okay?"
"Kinda?"
"I don't know how to explain it better."
"Well, who is it?"
"Just..." I sighed. "It's just a friend. But he's different. Sometimes I think we're together, but he's never really acted on it."
"And you?"
I snorted. "If I mess it with the one male friend I have I would be alone for the rest of my life."
"And Nate?"
"That's different. He's like a brother. And so with Hailey, and kinda Eli now too. But you see, if I only have four friends literally I can't afford to lose any."
"But how do you feel about it?" he pressed and I remain silent. He smiled warmly. "Well, it only took us four years, but we are getting somewhere."
........................................
I arrived to the girl dorms to help Hailey pack her stuff to her already in the Ford of her brother, Matt. He was here last week to see her and left her the vehicle for the move.
She grinned, getting out the back seat after dropping a huge bag. "Hey, how did it go?"
"Awfully."
Her smiled soured a little with almost pity, but she concealed it in a second. "Well, it's done now, are you ready? My stuff is all ready, we can head to yours. Tell me you've already packed everything -like you've told me you did last night."
"Almost."
"Well, we'll head there in a second." she pointed with her chin towards the truck. "There something waiting for you in the back."
"The back-" but I was cut when I look there and saw Riley closing the track. My heart picked up, unprepared for his presence. "I thought you've already left." I didn't want to show off how glad I was he hadn't already, but it was hard to conceal.
"Don't sound so disappointed."
"Oh, trust me, I'm not." I grinned, not even a pretend grin, but one of the real full smiles I managed lately. "So, are we going out tonight? Gracie and I leave early in the morning and I need some farewell."
"Well." Hailey giggled, fixing her hair and there was a light pink in her cheeks. "Marco and I were to have a dinner. But Riley said you two have plans too."
"We do?" that was news to me.
"Yes," Riley took my hand. "I want to take you somewhere."
"Where? I don't want to go to the library anymore. Exams are over."
"You don't say." he rolled his eyes, but I allowed him to pull me where his car was parked. "First, we'll go finish packing your stuff, and then, I want to take you somewhere."
"Where?"
"It's a surprise."
"I hate surprises."
"Come on." he smiled as we arrived to his car and Riley -the perfect gentleman- opened the door for me. "Don't you trust me?"
Against all odds, I did. And that only put me in an ever weirder mood. But I kinda like this whatever, and Doc said it was good that I was establishing emotional bonds with new people. Eli and Riley were the only friends I'd made after high school, and I could use expanding my trust circle.
"Just tell me I will like it." I pouted as he entered the car as well and turned on the engine.
"You will love it."
"I'll hold you on that." I grumbled clicking my seat belt and moving to fiddle with the radio. "Since I got no say in this called plans, I am the self-entitled music mistress, so suck it up." I could see him smirking from the corner of my eyes, but he didn't protest as I found a decent song. Something completely commercial and swallow, but sticky, the next summer heat, and leaned back against the seat. "I thought you had already left."
"Without telling you? Never."
I couldn't help the grin again, moved by his words. "I wouldn't have forgiven you."
Riley chuckled, taking my hand as he drove and once more stealing my thoughts as if they never even exist in the first place.
........................................
He took me to a live music bar, where the rest of out promotion was having a party as well, and surprisingly, I didn't hate it. Mostly because people would leave me alone. I was by Riley's side and he would steal most of the attention, kinda acting like a shield. I was used to looks turning my way ever since I could remember, but at the same time it felt nice to have someone by my side that steals almost as much attention and that way way better dealing with it, eclipsing the spotlight.
Turns out too that our course knew about me more than just for the lonely, gloomy girl at the back, or as Berly. Most of them just talked to me because they felt forced because of Riley, but they were nice. It didn't feel as forced, but more like a genuine 'bye, we'll see you next fall'.
We stayed there until it became more a drunken tide and then Riley a few other teammates decided to go to the Roger Williams monument, illuminated in the night and lonely at this time at night. Apparently here was where they brought them for the pranks at the beginning of last year, and here was too where they brought freshmen this year, so it kinda had an emotional value for the team.
As they laugh and joke and push each other around like the big jocks they were I slumped in the bottom step of the monument, glancing at the dark park around and enjoying the quietness for once. Didn't this suppose to have a guard or something? Well, whatever, I just hope we could stay there some more. I liked it.
"Ry, Ry, here." I grabbed at Riley's arm with the one that I wasn't using to hold the bear.
"Ry?"
"Is short for Riley." I rolled my eyes and tugged harder so he allowed me to pull him to sit by my side, chuckling. "Don't act so surprise, they call you that all the time."
"Yeah, but no you."
"Can't I?" I keep hugging his arm, better now that he was on my lever and rested my head into his shoulder.
"Sure. Does this mean that I can call you Kimmy?"
"Nop. I like you calling me my full name."
Someone talked on the background, some of his friends demanding attention once more. Riley answered, but I was too comfortable cuddling there after the stress of the day to care. Until I was addressed again:
"You're in, Thander?"
"What?"
"They're going to Zeta Delta." explained Riley. "There's an on-going finale party there."
I groaned. Those were intense. I'd been to a few, mostly dragged to them by the girls. Riley chuckled, making no move to get up as the rest moved around probably getting ready to head towards the fraternity house.
Riley chuckled. "You guys go. We're staying a bit longer."
"Do you want to go?" I muttered frowning, realizing once more he was agreeing with me but these were his friends. He might want to party with them as well.
"I'm good here." he took the bottle from me and I blinked my eyes open, seeing the rest getting in their car and driving away, a blur of music, waves and hollers. "I thought you would be more thrilled about finishing the course." he took a swing of the beer. "Don't you hate it?"
"I do, and I am. But I'm also terribly tired." I shifted, fitting better on his shoulder, my legs bent on the step under the one we were sitting in and close to my chest. "You're kinda comfortable."
"I'm gonna take that as a compliment."
"It is." I hummed. "And you're also nice, and patient and kinda funny-"
"How much beer have you had?"
"Shut up." I nudged him, self-consciously. "I mean that. And also, there's something that I've been wondering about you."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Let's hear it."
"Are you into girls?"
"What?" I could feel the stiffness in his muscles at the sudden question taken by surprise. "Yes, why?"
"Oh, I don't know, because girls had been throwing themselves at you and you never like them back. We're in college, you're the golden guy, have you even had sex with anyone in the past year? Oh my God." I straightened, looking at him realizing I lacked of the most basic information. "Are you a virgin?"
"What are you accusing me off? Of being gay or of being virgin?"
"I don't know, both? Either? Are in some crazy Christian cult or something?" he looked away, chuckling, but this time he sounded more uncomfortable than amused. "So are you?"
"Gay or virgin?"
"Both? Either?" I smiled repeating his words.
"Well, I'm not."
"Either?"
But my taunt didn't rub him in the right way... or maybe it did, and his eyes met mine, with a look that shot straight to my chest. "I'm most certainly not gay."
I tilted my head, some of the pressure in my chest easing. "And virgin?"
"Not really."
"Not really? What kind of answer is that. Come on. Are you telling me you never sleep with anyone."
"It only matters if you're in love."
I rolled my eyes. Of course he would say some cheesy thing like that. "That didn't stop you from banging someone else, did it?"
"That didn't stop you either." he frowned, and there I felt that bitterness whenever my flings were brought up. But again, when the chance presents he never makes a move. And he wasn't gay. I was so confused. And that pissed me off.
My brows pursed together. "That's because I don't buy your shits about 'only counts when you're in love'. Sex counts all the times."
"Have you ever loved someone?" he suddenly wondered and I snorted. Talking about cheesy. Riley eyed me carefully, as if reading through me and then added. "I got two theories."
My chest clenched, but I covered it with a huff as this conversation ventures towards a queasy turf. "Oh really?"
"You either never have been in love and therefor can't understand the feeling, or you've been hurt in the past and refuse to put yourself through that again. Either way, you haven't been loved properly."
Don't let it get to you, I repeated and over in my mind. At his stare I perked one brow, glad the shaken was only inner and outside I was still able to play it cool. "Haven't I, uh? Okay, what about you? If you aren't gay nor virgin, what's the reason you dispise having thousands of bimbos pushing their boobs at you?" he cringed at my words and I smirked. Serves him right for trying to psychoanalyze me. I tilted my head. "Aw, how cute. Are you afraid of pussies or have you been hurt in the past?"
"Yes."
"Yes what?"
"I've been hurt in the past."
And just like that, my mocking self-defense mechanism faltered and I looked at him in the calm darkness of the monument, suddenly very aware of the intimacy of the moment. "What?" even my voice came out embarrassingly soft as I shifted to see him and he shrugged, bringing my beer up to take another swing, not caring at all my lips had been there a minute ago. "Exgirlfriend?"
"Yeah."
"Was she a bitch?"
He smiled, softening the sudden tension as if he couldn't feel it at all. But he was Riley Jackson. When was he ever tense? "I wouldn't say it like that."
"Because your tongue will burn and fell off if something mean was to be pronounced, but I can read it through. Was she neurotic?" he shrugged. So yes. "Childish?" Shrug. "Selfish?"
"Kimberly-"
"Was she like me?"
He looked back at me, surprise slowly shifting to something else. "No."
"But I am a bitch too, and selfish and neurotic."
"Kimberly." he shook his head and took my hand, sliding his fingers through mine and stealing like that my heartbeat. "You're not a bitch, and you're nothing like her."
"No?"
"Why would I spend so much time with you if you remind me anyhow to my ex?"
"Because you haven't gotten over her."
He shook his head again, chuckling. "You're the furthest from her. Trust me. And I like you like this."
I let out a sigh, pathetically hanging on this more than I should. "You're a good friend."
He grimaced, "Right." letting go of my hand, but I tightened my grip.
He liked me like I was, neurotic selfish and a bitch on my own way. He stayed despites his friends being away and he'd spend months enduring my crazy shit ass just because. A year ago, having a male friend would had felt impossible. Someone with a Y chromosome wanting something else than sex? Anything but? Why was that such a turn on?
"I don't think I'm ready to let you go to Toronto. It's too far." I let my free hand slid through his soft hair, mesmerized. "Will you miss me?"
"Of course I will miss you."
I was so happy at the moment, it was as if brightness posseded me and made me light and free. Without really thinking it through I cupped his jaw and pulled him down to meet my lips.
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Hey! Well, we're over half of the book already and they had their first kiss... let me know what you think. I'll be dying to read it.
NEXT UPDATE: Wednesday 6PM CET
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