Birds are chirping in our alarms as we wake up from ten hours of refreshing sleep, but Cardiff sure does disagree with the tweeting. Cloudy, teetering on the edge of rain. That is surely a good sign, right?
"Did our parents put our outfits in our dressers?" I ask Sarah groggily, as I sit up in my bed.
"I don't think so, but I think they're in our suitcases," Sarah replies, groaning sleepily as she stumbles to her suitcase.
I do the same, kneeling in front of my suitcase to open it up. I see red, white, and blue clothing. Strange to see how much Fire and Ice Day looks like we're about to become the modern versions of Uncle Sam.
This time, I beat her to the bathroom, getting ready first. I put on a red rib short-sleeved shirt with some white dots from Nordstrom, high-waisted ripped denim shorts from Urban Outfitters, some white Converse high top from Foot Locker, a daisy choker necklace, some daisy stud earrings, both from Claire's, and Mom also included a red and blue phone case to make it look like fire and ice.
I put up my hair in a half up half down ponytail, taking sections from the front of my hair and putting them in the back. I add some red-tinted lip gloss, red eyeshadow on one side, and blue on the other. Fire and ice.
I then move onto my wrists. I remove my bandages to see my wrists are just obliterated as usual. All red and scratched up. It's like damaged lungs when you smoke for a while. A bad side effect to an addiction. It helps me feel. Your arms look so big, Lilliana. Why didn't you pick something that covered you more when you were shopping. You should've come more prepared.
I grab some foundation and concealer. I'm wearing something short-sleeved, but at least the cuts aren't all up my arms. Just my wrists. That's not as bad as some other people's scars, right? I swallow my medication, hoping it will calm my anxiety and intrusive thoughts for once.
I double-check my wrists before I exit the bathroom. Sarah rushes in to get ready and I transfer the razor from my galaxy phone case to the fire and ice one as I pack up. I can't forget the razor. It's the padlock that holds my lies together. If they unlock it or find it, everything is over.
I pack up my suitcase as Sarah gets out. She must have packed up while I got ready. Smart. There's not much. Just my toiletries, hairbrush, my outfit from yesterday, and my pajamas. I look at the clock on my phone. Eight-thirty.
We suddenly hear a knock on the door, but we don't have to look outside to hear our moms very loudly chatting outside of our hotel door. Sarah, being the one closest to the door, opens it, and I sit up from my bed.
"Hey, girls, how are you doing?" the moms ask, walking in with their purses and suitcases in tow.
"Tired," Sarah replies, yawning, and I agree, not wanting to tell the truth.
"Well, here are some protein bars for you guys for breakfast, and now we have to head down to the lobby," Mom orders, handing us two Quest s'mores protein bars.
I look at the nutrition label. One gram of sugar. It's still a dessert though. S'mores have marshmallows and chocolate. I can't eat it. It's too risky. Sarah starts munching on her protein bar in the elevator, but I open mine and take fake bites. I grab my coat and head to the lobby.
I throw away my wrapper and my protein bar, and Sarah notices. She gives me a small frown and I look down at the ground, slowing down a bit in my stride as I tug my suitcase weakly to the lobby, where Brady and Hannah are already there.
I sit next to Hannah, who gives me a really big hug. She can tell I haven't eaten. She probably saw me throw it in the trash, then saw Sarah's reaction, then she probably made the connection.
"Are you guys ready for a six-hour bus ride?" Mackenzie asks as he walks into the bus ride, and I shrug quietly, trying to disappear within the chatter.
I don't feel anything in particular about it. I don't feel anything. My emotions are malfunctioning. I don't feel anything. I'm traveling the UK and I don't feel any emotions.
"So, apparently, Ms. Abby is going to be on a different bus with Ms. Gianna and her other friend, so we are on our own. But, the bus driver knows where we're going at least," Ms. Ann reads off her phone.
"Well, our bus just pulled up outside, so I guess we get on now," Mom comments, and we look outside to see our bus.
We all tentatively walk up to the bus, and I notice that there is now an entire back row with no seat dividers or seat belts. I get on the aisle next to Sarah, and pull up my laptop and begin to play some computer games to distract me from the long bus ride.
"Did everybody enjoy Cardiff?" Ms. Ashley asks all of us as we all get settled in the back of the bus.
I nod and smile among the rest of us. It was a little fun to explore Norman's Keep and the trebuchet, and I'm sure when I forget this little glimpse of happiness in my life, the pictures Mom took will remind me.
I mainly play Roblox for the first hour along with Pressley and Gia. Roblox normally makes me feel happier, but I feel indifferent to playing. It just seems like a mediocre time-killer now. Hearing their squeals of disappointment is more annoying than hilarious when they die in the game.
When they're finally done playing Roblox, Gia and Pressley suddenly start breaking out into more songs, more karaoke. I begin to sing along, bouncing around in my seat and key. I'm sure the moms are very grateful for our exquisite singing that doesn't make their ears bleed like yesterday.
After I start giggling and high-fiving the rest of the girls and Brady, and I guess Mackenzie, Mackenzie asks, "Hey, Lilly, you think you can fit into the overhead compartments?"
I look up at the overhead compartments. You're too fat to fit in that tiny compartment. Lilliana. Your waist is way too big and your thighs are way too fat.
I shrug and reply, "Maybe."
"Can I pick you up and try?" Mackenzie asks.
What if he does something bad to me? What if he throws me out of the bus? I feel my breathing intensify at the thought, but I nod anyway. What am I doing? I see Mom pull her phone out.
He grunts as he picks me up and I feel my feet lift off the ground. He doesn't seem to be struggling at all. I immediately start clinging onto the plastic of the overhead compartment. You're going to make it collapse because of your heavy weight, Lilliana. You should back out right now before you ruin the bus.
I feel my stomach and my legs being plopped into the tiny compartment, and I contort my spine as he lets go so I can fit, I smile at the camera. I fit. I'm light enough and I'm small enough. I can feel my ribs hitting the hard plastic, creating pain throughout my chest. I'm going to get a lot of bruises.
After everybody poses, Mackenzie immediately gets me down and I rub my ribcage with my arm, careful not to transfer any foundation from my wrists onto the clothing. I hop back to the four back seats, where Hannah and Sarah are sitting.
"Why don't we all take a nap?" Ms. Ashley jokingly suggests, all of the mothers beginning to become tired of our childish antics.
I look around. I am pretty tired, personally. The other girls, Brady, and Mackenzie all look at each other and nod at each other. The moms look surprised and we immediately start configuring ourselves. Sarah goes to sit in another seat, and I lay with Hannah in the backseat.
When we all say our fake goodnights, I notice the position I've fallen into has the sunlight blaring into my eyes. Oof. I manage to turn to my side enough in the gray seats to get the sun enough out of my eyes to fall into an awful sleep.
~~~~~
"Wait, why are you on the wrong side of the road?" Ms. Joanne yells, and I immediately wake up straight, along with the others.
"Wrong side of the road?" I repeat, looking at the windows.
We're on the right side of the road. The wrong side of the road for England. I grip onto Hannah's arm in fear. All right. It's my time to die. I smile instead of scream like the rest of the ones as the bus driver begins to correct the way he's driving.
"It's been nice knowing you guys!" I yell, laughing like a lunatic.
Hannah puts a hand on my forehead and then gives me a confused look. I just keep laughing. I can say whatever we want. We're gonna die!
The bus stops in the middle of the road, and I can hear a voice in my head screaming, "Lilly, you don't wanna die! It's dark here and cold, and I don't like it!"
I just sit in shock. What, or who is this new... entity or being? It sounds like me, so is it an imaginary or parallel me? Are there parallel universes? And why is this parallel telling me not to die? It's all I want. Life is meaningless. I see smoke outside the bus begin to build up.
"Ok, everybody off the bus. Grab your luggage in case this bus blows up. Go quickly!" Ms. Michelle shouts, and I shoot up.
I grab my carry-on from my previous seat and Mackenzie and Brady start dishing out the suitcases. I grab my coat and I weakly tug my suitcase outside, my arms working too hard to pull the heavy block.
We go to this nearby grassy knoll and watch as the bus driver attempts to fix this bus. We've nearly died twice on this bus ride! First, it was suitcases falling and killing us, and now it's a bus nearly blowing up in our faces.
"There is a Burger King nearby if we want to go in there for some dinner, and the hotel is like, a half kilometer away, so we could do that," Mackenzie suggests, looking at his phone.
I don't say anything, just sit down. I'm still in shock and utter confusion about what that voice said to me. It seemed like a weak, frail version of me.
"Are you okay, Lilly?" Hannah asks, sitting down next to me, and I crawl into her lap.
"I... don't know," I admit, watching the people walking past giving us glares because we're just sitting on the side of the road on a patch of grass.
"You seemed so happy to die. I'm concerned about you, Lilly," Hannah mumbles so nobody else can hear.
"I don't want to talk about it," I say abruptly, getting off of her lap and walking to Sarah to chat.
"Ok, is anybody not hungry because then they can just go to the hotel with Mackenzie, and we'll bring back something for Mackenzie," Ms. Joanne asks, and Brady and I raise our hands.
"Be safe, guys. If any of you get hurt, Mackenzie, it's your fault!" Mom half-jokes and Mackenzie nervously laughs before taking me and Brady.
"Ms. Abby is waiting for us, so we're going to have to hustle," Mackenzie reports and I smile.
I got out of dinner, and I get to exercise while I'm doing it. Brady keeps looking at me nervously. He knows why I raised my hand and volunteered. But he won't say a thing, will he?
"So, how has the United Kingdom been so far for you two lads?" Mackenzie asks as we all are speed walking, the hotel almost in view.
"It's been fun, but it's a little overwhelming having all these people fawning over me," Brady shrugs.
"It's still overwhelming for me, and I've been in the songwriting business for years. Plus, half of the people didn't know me. They were way more excited to see you lads instead of me," Mackenzie adds.
"It's fun for me. But it makes my cheeks hurt because we have to smile so much for the photographs," I append onto their statements.
"It's also been overwhelming, almost dying twice," Brady mumbles and I shut down a bit, slowing down a bit and looking at the ground.
I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket as we turn the block where the hotel is at. Brady nor Mackenzie doesn't notice my sudden shift in personality as we go through the revolving door to see Ms. Abby and Ms. Gianna.
"Lilly, Brady, Mackenzie! So nice to see you three? But where are the mothers? And... the other children?" Ms. Abby asks, looking out the big glass windows to look for our moms.
"Ok, so crazy story. We almost died because the bus stopped in the middle road and started smoking up so we grabbed our stuff and left and they're going to get Burger King but I and Brady weren't very hungry, so now we're here with Mackenzie," I quickly explain, and she looks shooketh to the core.
"See, that's what we call bad parenting. Mackenzie, I love you, but the mothers should have gone with you instead of a teenage boy. So I will have to talk to your parents later," Ms. Abby replies, booping me on the nose, making it scrunch.
We continue chatting with Ms. Abby and Ms. Gianna for another half-hour before everybody comes back.
"Stacey and Tricia, why did you allow Mackenzie to accompany your daughter and your son a third of a mile to the hotel? And is everybody safe?" Ms. Gianna asks, and everybody nods to the second question.
"I don't know, they weren't hungry, so we just sent them," Mom answers, and Ms. Abby scoffs and shakes her head.
"Alright, well go outside so we can go to the mall," Ms. Abby answers.
"Didn't we already go... shopping for, like, hours back in Pittsburgh?" Ms. Ashley asks, and we all burst out into confused chuckles as we go outside to find Ubers so we can go to the nearby mall as Ms. Abby gets on her minibus.
"So Gia, Joanne, Lilly, and Stacey are going to be in one Uber. Brady, me, Sarah, and Michelle will be in the next, and that leaves Pressley, Mackenzie, Hannah, Ann, and Ashley in the last," Tricia reports as three black cars show up.
I get in one with Ms. Joanne, Gia, and Mom. Mom gets the front seat with our Uber driver. I keep quiet, squished between Gia and Ms. Joanne the entire time there. I get a hi text from Elliana, and I text hi back. Good to know she hasn't forgotten about me.
"We're here! I'm going to get a coat with Ann," Ms. Joanne exclaims as we thank the Uber driver and hop out of the car.
Gia hugs Hannah tight as they see each other and Pressley looks a little upset. Sarah and Brady come very soon after, and we all make our way to the entrance. Sarah and Brady go run off to some place together, so that leaves Pressley and me.
"You girls are not getting any more clothing, so let's just go down to the food court," Mom decides, and my foot starts shaking in anxiety.
I haven't eaten all day, but I guess we'll just have something light from a fast food place. Fast food and chips and sweets. They're all on my no-no list, but I've had them so often. I still feel a lot of guilt whenever I eat it. So when we stop at a Subway to get chips, I gulp down.
What chips have the least amount of calories? Thankfully, the harvest cheddar SunChips are 140 calories. Okay, not bad. They have flavor, which I enjoy, and they're very-low-calorie for chips.
I eat them slowly as we talk, trying to not eat all of them. However, I feel the greasy bottom of the bag as we find some purse store that our moms want to shop at. Pressley and I look around for a bit too. Maybe we'll find something in the clearance section that our parents will let us buy.
I find a push-lock pink plaid crossbody bag with a gold chain for only twenty-five pounds. Pressley finds this cute baby blue clutch that could maybe fit a dollar bill, but it's still cute.
We see Hannah and Gia running downstairs, and then we notice Ms. Abby wheeling very fast in the near barren mall. We quickly buy our purses before rushing down the escalator to catch up to the running girls.
"Why-is-she-so-fast?" Hannah asks in between heavy breaths, and we laugh and keep running.
I quite enjoy the exercise. It's weird not exercising. I'll probably do some sit-ups and some planks in the hotel room. That is if we get there.
"Okay, so you guys are going to ride back with your roommates. So that means... Gia and Hannah, Pressley and Sarah, and Brady and Lilly will be riding together," Ms. Gianna slowly reports as she orders three Ubers.
Brady high-fives me as Mom and I move over to them so it's easier when the Uber picks us up. Me and Brady find some benches to sit on and start playing The Shrimp Song again. I guess this has become our official near-death song.
I sing along, attempting to look happy and healthy. Brady sees through everything, though. But it's the adults I'm looking to impress, not the children that forced me into confessing. At least they're keeping it under wraps.
I get in the Uber once it arrives, and I'm, once, again, squished in the sad sack of the middle seat. This time, I'm squished between Brady and Mom. At least I don't have two Poalantonio's laughing in between me. Brady doesn't seem to be too fond of Mom for some reason, not engaging in much social conversation. I don't know why? She's awesome.
Me and Brady get our room keys and go to the hotel room. I just want tonight to be easy and cool.
"So we're going to go swimming, right?" I confirm with Brady, and he nods.
"Yeah, so we should probably change here and just put the clothes we're wearing over it, minus the jewelry," Brady says, and I nod back.
"Cool," I reply, going first to change.
I have a hot pink swimsuit with a tropical print. At least it's a one-piece, so my fat stomach won't bulge out. But it will do nothing to cover my fat thighs. I look at the mirror in disappointment. Nobody is going to like you if you show up looking like that, Lilliana. You probably should just not go. It's not worth it anyway.
I try my absolute best to hold it together as I put my red top and shorts back on and walk out. I'm trying my best not to think of what everybody is going to say about my body at the pool.
Brady puts on his swimsuit and then we walk down to the lobby. Gia and Hannah are there already with Mackenzie playing the smallest game of water polo I see. I sit on one of the pool chairs and wait until I dare to get in the water.
"Lilly, are you going to get in?" Hannah asks, trying to drag me in.
"Okay, okay," I reply.
Well, here is my collapse. Everybody is going to think I'm so fat and they're going to tell Ms. Abby and then I will never be on the dance team. I take off my shirt and shorts and everybody, bar Mackenzie, stares at me.
***brady***
I stare at Lilly. I can see her ribs through her swimsuit. She looks like she's Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas. She turns around to fold her clothes and we can see her spine through her clothes. God, how much weight has she lost?
***lilly***
I am this close to crying as I get in the lukewarm water. At least my legs are underwater, and they're not looking at them. Once Sarah and Pressley get there, I can't help but compare myself to the other girls.
They're so skinny and beautiful. Meanwhile, I feel like a ugly piece of JELL-O floating in a pond. Now I'm forced to swim with them for an hour before we go back up to the hotel. I don't understand how everybody else is having fun playing Marco Polo.
I mainly sit and watch, tired from the day. It seems that a half-hour later, everybody else is tired as well. I can see their swimming speed slow down. I play in the final round of Marco Polo, getting Marco, before toweling off and going back up to my hotel room.
"I am going to crash because of the chlorination," Pressley exclaims as she is already stumbling to put on her clothes.
I giggle as I slip on my clothes. Oh my God, that was the most boring yet fun thing in the world. But hey, at least I can say I went swimming in an indoor pool inside a hotel, in Newcastle.
Brady has both of our hotel keys and he unlocks our room. We're still soaking wet, despite our best efforts to towel off at the pool, so I lay towels down on our beds so that we won't stain the sheets with the chlorinated water.
"Do you want to pick the movie or should I-" I begin to ask, claiming one of the queen beds, the one closest to the door.
"Err, you can. Can you just pick something funny and not depressing?" Brady asks, and I nod, jumping onto the bed.
I find Good Burger playing at the beginning of the next hour. Perfect. Funny and not depressing, like Brady asked. I flop onto the bed, looking at my suitcase. It has my pajamas and my outfits. A lavender hoodie with matching lavender sweatpants.
I put my hair down, taking out the simple half-ponytail while I'm waiting patiently. I text Mom and Elliana goodnight, even though it's probably only like, three pm in the Virgin Islands.
"Good Burger. Good choice," Brady comments as he walks out, his hair still damp and a different set of ALDC merch on.
"Thanks," I reply before grabbing my pajamas and my phone and heading to the bathroom.
I need to do this quickly. I turn on the shower, brush my teeth, and then grab my razor before getting into the water. I wash my hair and body before returning to the metal blade. It's getting dull. I have to use more force than usual to cut through my skin three times. It hurts, and I let out a small whimper in pain.
I brush out my hair and ring it out before pulling over my hoodie and putting on my sweatpants. I put simple tan bandaids on my cuts, since the cuts are shallow. I put some powder to conceal the other cuts and walk out.
"So how have you been feeling lately?" Brady asks, patting the space next to his bed.
"Fine, I guess," I lie.
I don't want to tell him that I've been feeling nothing lately and that I really don't want to be... alive. Not to mention my intrusive and suicidal thoughts or the fact that I've been feeling weak, along with panic attacks and the dizziness, and... everything.
"Lilly, it's okay to not be okay. You're like my little sister, and I want you to be okay, but it's okay if you're not," he reminds me and I just nod, on the brink of tears.
"I... I know," I respond tearfully, giving him the answer he finally wanted.
He gets up and hugs me tight before sitting back down. I wipe away my tears on the back of my sleeve. Great. Now I'm crying. I watch Kel Mitchell rollerblading to work through blurry eyes, and honestly, I think Brady knew something was gonna happen because the funny movie does help.
Normally, my intrusive thoughts would be screaming at me for crying, but I'm just too tired. Halfway throughout the movie, when Kel and Keenan go on their dates with Shar Jackson and Carmen Electra, I can't help but fall asleep.
***brady***
I look at Lilly's bed. She's asleep. I sigh and turn off the movie. What happened to her? I remember when we first did a photoshoot together a couple years ago. She was so silly and little and bouncy. I remember eleven weeks ago, she was happy and healthy. Then she stopped eating seven weeks ago. I thought it was a bad non-contagious stomach bug. Then I had to leave for a month, and now she's not the same Lilly anymore.
I hate watching somebody I sometimes call my younger sister go through so much pain and suffering, and it's even worse knowing that you can't really help. I know she doesn't want this, and I know she's in pain, but if I tell anybody, it could break any trust any of the girls or me has created with Lilly.
"Goodnight, Lilly," I whisper to her, even though she's fallen asleep.
I turn to the side and fall asleep myself.
~~~~~