〖✰ 〗It was a gloomy Sunday morning. Y/N walked out onto her terrace feeling the cold but warm breeze against her skin as she stared outside and saw her Mom's car exit through the automatic gold gates that opened.
It was awkward having to live with her after everything that went on. Whenever she was around Y/N would just stay up in her room, it was big and she had everything she needed in there including snacks and water so she didn't really mind it.
She leaned onto the vintage iron railings on her terrace disassociating and daydreaming outside until she blinked continuously to clear up her cloudy thoughts and walked up to her bistro table to pick up the joint she pre-rolled.
The last time she genuinely smoked cannabis was almost three months ago, it was a good thing she guessed. It wasn't like she was codependent on it she mostly smoked it socially and only because it made her feel less stressed and calm.
She placed the joint between her soft lips picking up her green lighter and lighting up the end inhaling deeply. She felt a bit cold so she left the joint on the end of her table since she disliked the smell of weed inside her room. She went back inside picking up her Versace dressing gown in pink and wearing it over the silk, black camisole she wore along with the matching shorts.
Y/N walked back outside into her terrace taking her phone out of the pocket of her bathrobe and sitting back down on the iron chair.
She took a few inhales from the joint checking herself in the front camera before turning her phone off sighing loudly and staring outside.
"Maybe I should call him," She murmured quietly under her breath picking up her phone as it automatically turned on with the face ID unlocking as she swiped up.
Her phone hovered over the contact of Jean. She was going to ring him once and if he didn't pick up then she'll never ring him again.
"Fuck it," Y/N spoke tapping on his contact and tapping the call button leaving her phone on speaker as she walked around her terrace feeling tremendously anxious. She took a long puff from the joint closing her eyes and listing to the buzzing of her phone that was not on the table.
He's not gonna pick up. She thought to herself as she leaned onto the railing exhaling out the smoke through her nose and taking in another inhale.
The call unexpectedly stopped as Y/N swallowed the smoke feeling her eyes tear up as her throat itched painfully. She expected to hear the voice note sound but she didn't. Y/N quickly walked up to her phone seeing the call connected and she was thirty seconds in but Jean didn't speak up.
"H-hello," She stammered her throat still feeling dry as she cleared up her throat.
There was no response as her lips parted but nothing spilt from her lips. It felt as if she was choking on her own words.
"Jean, can you hear me?" She spoke shyly, anxiously chewing on her bottom lip and using her teeth to peel off the skin.
"...Yeah I can," His hoarse voice spoke as Y/N sighed lightly hoping that he never picked up in the first place.
She sat down holding the phone against her ear and staring down at her freshly painted toes that she painted out of boredom a few hours ago. She didn't even know what to say. Should she apologise first or ask how he is?
"Um..." She curled her fingers fluttering her eyelashes as she breathed in mustering up the courage to blurt out what she needed to say.
"Do you mind if we meet up?" She finally managed to say pursing her lips together waiting for a reply.
"...I'm kinda busy with exams and shit so I don't think so," Jean replied a minute after as Y/N squinted her eyes shut.
"Are you busy the whole of next week?"
"Yeah,"
"So when are you not busy?" She asked.
"Y/N I don't know," He bluntly replied.
"So then I might as well say what I need to say now," she spoke quietly with an undertone of rudeness in her voice.
"So then say what you need to say," Jean spoke impolitely.
Y/N got up from her seat and walked up to the railings staring at the trimmed bushes from below her. They both stayed silent before she decided to break the tension.
"You know what, it's nothing, sorry for calling you" Y/N spoke ever so coldly immediately ending the call and gripping the phone in her hand.
Eren sat in the lobby with swimming pools by Kendrick Lamar playing at a low volume through his headphones. His appointment was at 7:30 he checked the time on his phone seeing that it was 7:25.
He didn't feel nervous but he felt as if he shouldn't be there, either way, he had five minutes to run away from his problems or do what he was told to do and deal with the four weeks of what he called—
a road to redemption.
He leaned his arm onto the couch closing his eyes for a couple of minutes until he felt his phone buzz from inside his pocket. He picked it up seeing Armin's name.
"Yo,"
"Eren are you there?" Armin spoke as Eren adjusted his pants while sitting down before slouching on his seat.
"Yeah,"
"Is the place good so far?" Armin asked.
"No, it's just not giving what it was meant to give," Eren bluntly replied as Armin laughed.
"Why is it so quiet? am I in the right place? Have you even done a DBS check on this place before you signed me up?" Eren threw a bunch of questions towards the blonde.
"First of all relax, I'm not you to not be using my head when I do stuff," Armin replied as Eren heard light footsteps against the marbled floor.
"I—"
"Eren Jaeger," A woman called out to the only boy who was sitting in the waiting room on his phone.
"I'll call you back," Eren ended the call once he heard his name being called.
Eren looked up to see a light-skinned woman standing a few inches away from him with a small smile planted on her face. She wasn't what he expected a therapist would look like. Her curly hair was styled into a low middle part bun and she was dressed not formally but in casual attire which consisted of some regular jeans, a dark green and navy blue knitted sweater and some Vans slip-ons in black.
He stood up smiling at the lady to be polite. "Follow me," She said walking further down the hallway past a bunch of doors as Eren followed her nosily staring through the windows.
They took a left entering the first room he saw. The area was medium in size and there was also a tempo of LoFi music playing softly in the background.
The room had a chill vibe to it; with bean bags piled together in the corner of the room, a couch and two single couches in the middle of the room with a coffee table at the centre of the sofas. He stared at something which somewhat looked like a medieval silver goblet. Inside was an incense radiating an unfamiliar smell.
"That's called a bakhoor it's used by Arabs to make the air smell nice or to help you relax," The lady pointed out noticing that Eren was staring at it.
"What's the smell?" Eren asked flaring his nose and smelling at the unfamiliar smell radiating from the bakhoor.
"It's frankincense," She smiled. "I burn it by heating up charcoal and adding a few on top. It helps you relax and relieve anxiety and depression. It also cleans the air from colds and flus," The lady explained as Eren nodded.
"Come sit," She sat down on the couch using her hand indicating Eren to come as he slowly approached her.
Eren sat down facing her letting out a light sigh as he rested his back on the couch.
"My name is Doctor Alexander but you can call me Talia." The lady introduced as Eren nodded.
"tell me about yourself, like your favourite food or your favourite movie or hobbies." She smiled crossing her legs.
"...Ok my name is Eren Jaeger, I don't have a favourite movie but there was one that I liked watching, it was called Call me by your name. I done ballet—"
"Wow, do you still do ballet?" Talia spoke up a bit intruiged.
"Nah not anymore," Eren shook his head.
"Why did you stop?" Talia asked flipping open a notebook.
"As I grew older, my body became less flexible and it wasn't like a thing I wanted to do in the long term," Eren answered.
"Did you like doing ballet?"
"It was either I do ballet or learn how to play the violin, so I just thought it would be nice to do something weird and then boast to everyone about it," Eren shrugged as Talia chuckled.
"What are your hobbies?" She asked as she wrote in her notebook.
"I don't have any,"
"That's fine," She smiled twirling her pen between her fingers.
"How would you describe yourself? Personality wise," she muttered flipping a page in her notebook.
"I would say I'm quite flamboyant, also a live in the moment type of guy..." He boringly spoke shrugging along the way.
"Why would you say live in the moment?" Talia asked narrowing her eyes.
"I believe that there's no changing the past and the future is too long to wait for, it's all about what you do now. I'm present time orientated," Eren briefly explained.
"Am I asking too many questions?" Talia noticed Eren furrowing his brows.
"No, you're just doing your job."
"My job as a therapist is to make you feel comfortable, this isn't a mental asylum so if any of this is a bit dragging for you, it would be nice of you to mention it," Talia gave him a firm reply.
"I don't think patronising me is the right thing to do Talia," Eren squinted his eyes.
"I don't think patronising is the word, I'm just being ethical," Talia smiled. "But moving on..." She checked the time on her watch before looking up to meet Eren's gaze.
"So why are you here?"
"My friend signed me up because he thinks it would help me when tal—"
"This isn't an Eren's friend session, It's entirely about you. Why did you bring yourself to come here, why do you think you need therapy?" Talia asked leaning her back on the sofa.
Eren slouched spreading his legs and stuffing his hands into his pockets. "I need therapy because I need help when it comes to verbally expression how I feel. It's hard for me to control my anger, I'm more of a take action type of person instead of talking things out. Therefore it's difficult for me to express how I feel verbally. I also think I lie to myself a lot. I care about myself too much and I never consider other people's feelings," Eren shrugged.
"But it's not a bad thing to put yourself first, I kind of think it's smart to not be a selfless person," Talia commented.
"Yeah, but there's a difference in being non-altruistic and knowing how to treat others and just being a selfish bum," Eren muttered.
"Ok..." Talia noted. "And you say you don't know how to control your anger, have you done anything to help you sort out your anger for example anger management or taking medication?" Talia asked.
"No,"
"You don't have to answer this, but have you been through anything traumatic such as sexual assault or abuse in the past or recently?" Talia asked.
"No," Eren repeated.
"How is your relationship with your parents? Do they neglect you, are they abusive, or are they very loving and understanding?"
"I don't know...they're calm parents I guess," Eren shrugged.
"Do you love your parents?"
"From time to time," Eren averted his eyes tilting his head to the side.
"Why from time to time?"
"Maybe that was the wrong choice of words," Eren sighed leaning up from his seat. "I love them but some days my love for them is weaker whenever they get on my nerves," Eren uttered.
"Alright then," Talia laughed as she began writing notes into her notebook.
"Do you speak to them about your problems?"
"No,"
"Why?" Talia leaned back up staring at Eren as he played with the ends of his brown hair.
"There's just some stuff my parents don't have any business knowing," Eren scoffed.
"So if you were depressed or suicidal would let them know?"
"No way in hell," Eren replied.
"Speaking of that, are you depressed or suicidal?" Talia asked.
"Everyone has levels of depression and something that they're depressed about. So I'm not gonna sit here and say that I'm happy but I'm not severely depressed either..."
"So you're stuck in the middle?" Talia asked as Eren nodded.
"And as for suicidal..." Eren trailed off. "I haven't experienced the finer things in life to be wanting to kill myself," Eren replied.
"And this is the last question before we start dealing with your dilemma," Talia cleared her throat.
"Do you love yourself?"
"No, moving on."
"Would you like to speak about that?" Talia asked.
"No thank you," Eren shook his head.
"Okay this is the last and final question I promise," Talia closed her notebook.
"When was the last time you cried?"
Eren blew a raspberry looking up at the dim lights. "I honestly can't remember, it's been so long," Eren momentarily responded.
"Why don't you cry anymore?"
"I just feel like I'm emotionally unavailable. For me to cry then I would have to be really hurt," Eren leaned back onto the couch.
"Emotionally unavailable..." Talia murmured quietly writing down in her notebook.
"Maybe you should cry more," Talia suggested.
"Cryings not gonna help," Eren nonchalantly replied shaking his head.
"It's just a suggestion," Talia shrugged closing her notebook.
"So your free trial sessions are once a week and thirty minutes per session. So far, we've talked for fifteen minutes so I'll take ten minutes to listen to your current issues and five minutes to just say what I need to say. Kind of like feedback," Talia said playing with the end of her notebook.
"Ok," Eren nodded his head.
"So what was the turning point that made you come here?"
"What do you mean?" Eren raised a brow.
"What happened that made you realise that you needed to speak to a therapist?" Talia rephrased her question.
"I care about nobody but myself as previously stated," Eren commenced as Talia nodded.
"Yeah..." She spoke encouraging him to continue.
"Well I lied there's this one girl that I care about, but I fucked everything up like a fool because I couldn't admit to my feelings and emotions," Eren chewed his inner cheek.
"Who do you consider the girl as to you?" Talia rested her chin on her palm.
"She's someone special to me that's why I let her stick around me for long, I only have like two female friends that I would actually say I'm close with," Eren rested his feet up against the couch.
"You say she's someone special to you, were you guys intimate?"
"No comment,"
"Okay, well do you have some sort of feelings for her?"
"Yeah, but we move. It's all fucked now," Eren mumbled pulling his feet down.
"How did you fuck things up, what happened between you two?" Talia asked.
Eren pinched the bridge of his nose keeping his eyes shut. "I made her cry...multiple times," He spoke quietly but loud enough for Talia to hear.
"How did you make her cry?"
"Long story short, she liked me, I rejected her, we fought a lot in between, then I found out she was doing sum with a friend I got mad and said some fucked up shit" Eren quickly explained.
"Why did you make her cry, is there a reason?" Talia furrowed her brow.
"I don't know if—" Ereb spoke quietly choking on his own words.
"That's completely fine, you can only tell me what you feel comfortable saying, It's early days," Talia smiled.
"So are you here because you need help with verbally expressing your emotions for her?" Talia asked.
"Yeah, and I also want to be a better person. Not only for myself, but for her."
"Okay and throughout the three sessions that we have left, hopefully I can help you with that," Talia uttered as Eren gave her a firm nod.
"I personally think you're doing a great job with expressing your emotions and communicating how you feel."
"Thank you, they got me thinking I'm some sort of robot—"
"Hold on I'm not done," Talia cut him off.
"But I think it's maybe because you don't know me too well and I'm a therapist so you feel obliged to express how you feel. I just think you should consider other people's emotions more and treat people how you would like to be treated. The ego you have is a bit too big and it can block your view of things. You have some sort of Tunnel Vision where you can only see the things that satisfy you..."
"Okayyy..." Eren pursed his lips together.
"Eren do you know why it's like this?" Talia asked raising a brow.
"I don't know," Eren pursed his lips together.
"Hm..." Talia paused. "I think you need to figure yourself out a bit more, I suggest you get a diary and write how you feel or even use your notes app. It will be so much easier and you will get a better understanding of how to deal with your emotions." Talia opened her notebook again.
"Okayyy..." Eren pursed his lips together.
"From the notes, I took you are aware of the way you act and you know that you are in the wrong but I feel like you can't show it because you like to be in denial a lot. All I'm saying is, your feelings with never lie to you so trust yourself more and stop being scared to admit things,"
"Mhm..." Eren nodded staring at the therapist.
"Do you know why you're in so much denial Eren?" Talia asked.
"Ion know...that shit sometimes sounds too good to be true if you get what I'm saying..." Eren looked down at the carpet.
"I don't think I deserve her..."
Talia paused for a moment before she spoke up again. "You like her and she likes you back. I don't think the girl you're speaking about would think anyone else deserves her except for you."
"As I previously stated, I fucked everything up, I don't know how I'm gonna get her to forgive me," Eren spoke coldly.
"...Sorry," he uttered realising that he must've spoken to her rudely.
"It's okay..." she smiled.
"If the so-called girl was to do what you did to her what would it take for you to forgive her?" Talia asked.
Eren paused thinking for a while before he spoke again. "I would want her to change the things that I hate about her and fix up the pieces that she broke..." Eren shrugged.
"So change the things she hates about you and fix up the pieces you broke," Talia exhorted him.
"This is what I mean when I say you should treat people how you would like to be treated," Talia uttered as Eren nodded.
"Capiche?" She asked.
"I understand," Eren smiled slightly.
"So next week I would like to hear some progress," Talia leaned up from her seat.
"Do you have any questions?"
"Nope," Eren shook his head emphasising the 'p'
"So I guess we're done," She stood up as Eren stood up shortly after her.
"Thank you for coming," She lead him to the door.
"Thank you for helping me out," Eren replied as Talia opened the door,
"Actually—" He paused. "That frankincense stuff actually calms me down, it's so much better than you know..." Eren made a smoking acting with his fingers causing Talia to chuckle lightly.
"Where am I meant to buy it, do you have a dealer for that?" Eren asked as Talia laughed shaking her head.
"Try looking online or visiting a middle eastern store," Talia recommended as Eren walked out of the room.
"Okay bet, thank you again," Eren said as Talia waved.
"See you next week," she uttered before he heard the sound of her door close.
Eren stood outside the building contemplating on if he should go apologise to Y/N again or not. He felt like he should give her some space but at the same time, he couldn't leave her alone. She needed to know that he wanted to change for her.
It was all about perseverance.
"FUCK," He murmured under his breath loudly as he made his way to her house.
He was too stubborn to let her go.
Y/N walked outside to her terrace after hours of just contemplating her thoughts. It was dark outside as she leaned onto the cold railings picking up her phone and scrolling through her contacts until she reached Jean.
All she at least wanted him to know, was that she was sorry. She didn't care if she came off as obsessive and naggy. She just wanted to own up to her wrongdoings.
She tapped on his contact calling him again as the call connected within three rings.
"So basically I don't like how things were left with you and me, I know you told me that you were busy but if you have at least an hour in your day to meet up with me then I would like that a lot," Y/N said getting straight to the point.
Jean took a while to reply as Y/N played with her nails lowering her eyelids. She was about to speak up again but Jean beat her too it.
"Ok, can meet up next week Saturday if you are free," He finally spoke as Y/N smiled a little.
"Ok," She simply replied eyeing the unknown figure walking through the gate in front of her house.
"Fuck me..." She whispered under her breath once she noticed that it was Eren...again.
"See you next week, Jean," She farewelled ending the call and eyeing the brunette male from beneath her.
"What are you doing here?" She asked rudely watching Eren walked up to where she was.
"I wanna speak to you, can you come down?" He asked.
"I'm perfectly fine here,"
"Okay, then I'll come to your room," Eren replied.
"No, you won't,"
"Okay fine, I'll just do it Romeo and Juliet style and speak to you from here then," He shouted loud enough for her to hear as Y/N leaned lower down onto the railings resting her chin on her arm watching him.
He closed his eyes for a moment and opened them slowly. "I know that I'm a stupid person and you hate me. I want you to know that I am gonna try my best to change and be a better person for you. I'm sorry for the way I treated you, I made you feel like you were low and worthless and I should have never taken your feelings for granted. I'm sorry for making you cry all the time, I'm sorry for getting angry and shouting at you and that whole thing that happened with Jean. I was fucking high, I never meant the shit I said but that's not an excuse. I just say shit that is unprovoked, I hate myself for it but we move. I'm gonna sort myself out when it comes to that. I get it if you don't wanna forgive me, I'm a bad person and I treated you horribly, but I at least want you to know that I'm sorry and I regret the shit I did..." Eren chattered on as Y/N listened.
Y/N fluttered her eyes sighing loudly as she leaned further down the railings covering her face with her arms as she bit her lower lip inhaling through her nose.
She really wanted to cry.
"Y/N forgive me...please," Eren beseeched.
Y/N lifted her head covering her eyes with her fingers. "I don't know...Eren I'm tired,"
"Please Y/N," He softly spoke.
"Eren I know that you're sorry but I don't know if you're gonna change...I gotta protect my heart and I'm scared to go through what I went with you again and also...catch feelings again." Y/N truthfully confessed.
"I'm not being pseudo about it a second chance is all I need," Eren parted his lips.
Y/N pursed her lips together and swallowed her saliva as she looked down at Eren. She was thankful that she was at a further distance away from him otherwise she would've crumbled.
"I'll think about it... go home Eren it's getting late" She softly spoke as Eren nodded.
He knew better than to just disturb her serenity.
"Okay," He firmly nodded pursing his lips together. He took a few steps backwards eyes still on her frame as Y/N stared at him back silently. He turned around and his back was now towards her and she watched him silently disappear.
After finally feeling his presence leave, Y/N exhaled a loud breath she had no idea she was holding. She kneeled down huffing loudly before standing back up again and walking back into her room gathering the warmness around her body.
She sat on her bed staring at the wall silently. With so much she had to worry about in her life, Y/N knew that she didn't have enough time to think about whether or not she should forgive Eren. Maybe she just needed to let some things go. She was so tired of being dragged down with problems like there were shackles tied to her feet.
The only cons she had to worry about was him not changing. His apology was unexpected but down a T. It was good coming from him.
Maybe she should just say fuck it and let everything go.
Pardoning him was also a way of her letting go of the past and moving on. It was fatiguing having to deal with all this conflict and toxicity in her life she just wanted to feel serene.
"Fuck it," Y/N uttered as she picked up her phone going on Eren's contact and tapping the unblock icon. Her hand shook uncontrollably. Everything she needed to say sounded too long to text so she decided to voice note it.
She took a deep breath preparing herself and memorising everything she needed to say before she tapped on the voicenote icon on Imessage.
"I forgive you Eren." She started off.
"But I just need my space so I don't think we should see each other at the moment. I've been so lost within myself so I kind of need to find my zen. Also I'm gonna focus more on school since I have exams and my grades have been shit I feel like you should do the same, don't get me wrong though we can still speak on the phone and you can call me whenever you need help with stuff but it's best for both of us to focus on ourselves for a little bit. It is not going to be a long term thing but yeah...that's just how I want things to be right now."
Y/N released her thumb off the voicenote icon and she threw her phone across the bed before covering her face due to embarrassment.
"Ugh get it together Y/N," she spoke to herself pointing her fingers out and taking a deep breath.
She crawled to reach her phone on the other side of her bed gripping it tightly in her hand as her Face ID unlocked. Eren's contact showed up on her screen again.
It hasn't been a full minute since she sent that message and Eren had already opened it. It stayed on open for a couple of minutes before it changed to typing.
Y/N bit her nail impatiently interpreting what he would say. She did say a lot of things so it would have taken him a while to figure out what to say.
After what seemed like forever, Eren finally sent a message back.
Eren
Okay I understand
Again I'm sorry and I hope
you do well