NEED TO BE HEAVELY EDITED.
The smell of anesthesia, antiseptics and alcohol has become something that is now embedded in my senses, now feeling indifferent to it even though I would rather not. So walking through the vast wards again after a long tiring day of two work shifts, I barely notice or register anything around me as I did when I first walked into this building. It was fairly quiet around this time, one in the morning isn't particularly a thriving hour but here it is different. The rush you feel when you pass by the emergency ward or the crowded waiting room, it is surprising how this place can build oneself or destroy it. It's all in the hands of the unknown.
I was never one to be familiar with hospitals, never had a reason to visit nor any of my parents needed to or bothered to bring me around. So my life time visits were less than a hand full up until her body gave up on her and collapsed due to the abuse she done to it.
However, upstairs were the patients are to staying in their rooms, the staff would be lesser by half. I have come to be acquainted with a couple of nurses here due to the less work that they would have during this time of shift.
A Particular one of them has become closer than I would have liked, Gavin.
I should have seen it coming.
He never said anything, but Brandon and Lucy, the other two nurses that work here in this quarter have made it clear to me a couple of times how he seems to be very much interested in me and why I should actually consider.
The shock was so evident on my face that they thought that I hated the guy. Especially since I have been trying to keep my distance from him since they started to lightly tease me about it. I was not able to hide it at the beginning, I myself started to feel something I know I shouldn't toward this kind hearted blond nurse. He was the gentlest soul ever. And I only wished that the news of him maybe liking me back would have elated me, which did the complete opposite and slapped me hard on the face.
How irresponsible and guilty I have become. I was here for a purpose, how can I stray and lead my heart to something that I know very well would lead to destruction.
I had to remain faithful. Body, heart and soul.
From when I started to notice how he looked at me or from the gentle tone he uses while speaking to me and the small touches here and there. I knew I had to do something, I couldn't lead him on. Even though I yearned to what he was giving me, the affection and warmth were something I have always needed and how he so devotedly he showered me with them made me all the while feel like the worst person to ever exist. Wanting and craving something I cannot have and unworthy of. but I hoped and wished that maybe my partner; one day, would also be like Gavin, attentive and loving ad him. So I did what I desired strongly to not do, I let him go.
It was pathetic, and I knew how stupid I was pushing away such a perfect guy like him. But it scared me, knowing that a chance of love was too close to me. It scared me even more that I might be tangling an innocent heart into the mess I call life. I cannot be selfish, not with him. He deserved so much better than a girl like me tied to an unknown fate.
So I knew better than lurking in deep waters and stayed away.
I have never been brave enough to share any type of intimacy towards any male, it frightened me. Other than my knowing destiny, rejection and heartbreak is a sore weakness that has always toyed with my mind. I saw how my parents were, even though not all couples are necessarily like that but who am I kidding. I knew I was doomed, so why would the universe work Its magic with me now and send me someone as good as Gavin. Even though it would lead to a heartbreak. I believe he deserves so much more, especially that I know I would never be able to give him anything, so why lead him on, it would be too cruel of me.
So when my eyes lay on him once I open the door to the room that I am now too familiar with to be my second house, I freeze. His head turns to the door and stops writing something on the clip board to look at the sudden intrusion. But he seems unsurprised but rather expectant as his eyes hold mine, the first time in a while. He looks all the same, tall frame with soft slightly tousled blonde hair, along with an attractive edges structuring his face, a mole right next to his left blue eye.
He held my eyes in eagerness following a play of a soft smile on his lips that instantly lit up his face, causing me to tighten my hold on the door handle. He is just so good in heart that I wish things would have been different, that I would had been able to allow myself to feel anything in his sudden presence. But no, he is my friend and would seem always seem like one if he ever remains in my life.
"Hey, it has been a while snice I have seen that pretty face." My eyes widen at his comment. He knows how much I am uncomfortable with attention; it creeps me out. He chuckles at the red hue that covered my neck. I am just not used to it.
My appearance did attract a fair amount of attention which I have been able to avoid especially at certain times were men would be persistent in their advances. There was a time where I believed that my looks were trouble, but noticing the same attitude being received by my coworkers as well. I knew that the problem wasn't necessary with me, but avoiding it would be much worth than meddling into unnecessary trouble at especially at my work place. I worked hard for this dream job of mine and I needed it badly now with the current circumstances.
Being cooped up in your room most of your life does aid in shaping you differently. I was not aware of the real world around me until my father left. At that point in life, I had to leave my room to tend to her needs when she could not do them.
Taking a few steps inside. "Hey." Smiling softy at him, dropping my eyes from his to look at the woman lying on the bed in front of us in a deep induced slumber.
Her once long auburn curls are now mostly grey and up to her shoulder. She looks so frail, skinny with pale hallow cheek and her under eyes are darker and deeper than normal. The many tubes she is connected to are scary, the constant beats of the machines attached to her are the only indication that she is still alive. Too afraid to touch the breakable woman, I remain within a distance silently looking at her.
It scares me seeing her getting worse as the days go by, I makes me crazy that until now I could not reach them for help nor am I capable of helping her myself.
I tried many times, sending emails, trying every possible number I have got of them from the old phonebooks, tried to trach their information from the bank, but nothing, it was like looking for a ghost that does not want to be found. My last hope is the lawyer, the one that visits every two years for any legal work. I know it was not his due time to get in touch but I was desperate. He was the only link between us, and I need him to relay the message that I have sent two days ago urgently. Her life was at stake.
A hand reaches up to my face to wipe the wetness that I failed to realize off my face. "she is so lucky to have you. She would be so proud of what you are doing for her." I cringe badly from the inside. His words cut deep. What I would do for her is yet to be undiscovered, for I would fight till death for her, for I will always try to show her that she is loved, that she does not need anyone but me. That the one she has been waiting for is not needed anymore.
The silent sob shakes my body as I trap whatever sound may escape me holding my hands to my mouth.
It was all my fault!
"Dior, she is stable. She is alright." Gavin gathers me in his arms with my back to him as my eyes never leave her. He tries to soothe me and my heart does warm up feeling him close to me. Feeling his heat warms me and calms me.
"She wants to die Gavin. I am not enough for her, she wants to leave me." I cry out softly watching her sleep.
"Hey, Hey calm down sweets, calm down. It is all going to be okay" He rubes my arms up and down in a soothing manner making me sink deeper in his chest.
We stay like that for a while, my mind is far away, unware of Gavin's embrace nor that she has opened her tired weak eyes.
"You are whoring around aren't you?" he voices strikes my ear in surprise and relief. Then I realize the hands that use to hold me seconds ago as they draw away from me.
"No, it is not what it looks like mam." Her words then register hearing his defense and seeing his retreating figure.
"You know your obligation. I forbid you of ever putting me in front of them, or them coming to me to tell me what a whore and a disgrace my daughter is to their precious family name."
Shaking my head, I lower my eyes. "I would never disappoint you mother."