I was a bundle of nerves as time ticked by and Lacey's surgery drew near. I was avoiding Aiden and any interaction with him. It was for the best.
In my emotional state I couldn't keep a clear head where he was concerned and I couldn't allow anything more to happen between us.
There was a good chance Max wouldn't be able to forgive me for what I had done already but I held onto the hope that he would be able to understand. I scoffed at myself. If I didn't complete understand myself how could I expect him to.
The build up was intense and I fidgeted and paced until I got to a point I wanted to scream, so hard just to get rid of the turmoil inside but I didn't. I kept it inside, smothering the need release the pressure inside.
Everyone was taking strain: in the looks shared by her parents, the way Alex paced non stop and the way Adonis looked at Lacey when he didn't think anyone was watching.
My parents kept calling for updates but there wasn't much to tell them. I told them I let them know when Lacey began her surgery.
No one wanted to rush it. Every moment we had with her we wanted. But inevitably the time for her surgery arrived. The pressure that had been building up inside me felt like it was going to break free but I fought to keep it inside.
How I stood and watched Lacey interact with each loved one and didn't break down I will never know.
When it came to my turn and hugged her. "I'll see you soon."
She held me a little tighter before she released me. "I could never tell you how much your friendship has meant to me." She was emotional and I swallowed hard.
"Same." I didn't want to say goodbye, I couldn't write her off while she was still here with me.
I couldn't talk to her like she wasn't coming back. Holding her gaze, I kept myself from breaking down.
"You'll be fine. And when you come out I'll be here."
She nodded.
I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before I moved so she could talk to Aiden.
A few feet away I stood watching my friend's last moments before she went into surgery, with all the fears and the hope that she would make it through it.
Her life hung in the balance and the odds weren't in her favour.
When Adonis was the last one to speak to Lacey, I was transfixed. I had always told her that he had liked her, I had seen it when he thought no one had been watching. Now as I watched him talk to her softly, my heart ached.
They had overcome so much and instead of looking forward to their future they were both facing a situation where they might not have one. It was too much to take in.
Lacey didn't deserve this and neither did Adonis. The unfairness was crippling.
Adonis pressed his lips to hers and felt the tears sting. I closed my eyes briefly feeling the pain of what they were going through wash over me.
When I opened my eyes they spoke softly for a few more moments before he kiss her forehead gently. For someone so young he was handling it better than I would have if I had been in his shoes.
Two nurses arrived to take Lacey. I wanted to panic and stop them. I curled my hands into fists and fought the urge to have a full blown panic attack in front of my everyone including my friend. She needed me to be strong, and I would honour that.
Everyone watched silently as they moved her out of the room. I saw the glimmer of fear in her eyes in the last moment I caught sight of her before she disappeared from my view.
For a while everyone remained watching the empty doorway, maybe they were making peace with whatever outcome there was to come.
The emotions that had been building up inside from the time I had answered the call to let me know Lacey was in hospital began to seep through my barriers.
Mr. Harper put a hand on Adonis' shoulder and Adonis bowed his head. The action nearly undid me right there.
I found myself hurrying from the room without a backward glance, intent on getting out of there as quickly as I could. I inhaled sharply as I got to the lift and stabbed the button, wishing the lift would be there already.
But it didn't immediately appear. I waited and waited. When it finally opened I stepped in and turned to see Aiden watching me with a brooding look from down the hall as the doors closed.
I caught my breath and held it, counting from one to ten in my head slowly trying to delay the building emotion. Breaking down in front of strangers was the last thing I wanted, I just had to keep it together long enough to make it out of the hospital.
The lift opened when it reached the ground floor and I quickly headed to the entrance. The doors automatically separated as I stepped in front of them.
It was dark and cool. I round the building, until there was no one to see me. That's when I allowed myself to whimper softly and then cry.
I looked up to the stars, my eyes filled with tears. How could it look so beautiful and calm when I felt like my world was falling apart? It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.
As my tears finally dried up, the anger set in. I let out a heavy emotional breath, trying to rid myself of the emotion.
I heard the footsteps. I didn't need to look over my shoulder to know who it was. Somehow I just knew, and that scared me.
Determined I kept quiet. I wasn't going to the be the first one to break the silence.
"You okay?" The familiar voice asked.
"You shouldn't be here," I said, finally turning to face Aiden.
"I promise I wont touch you." His words were soft spoken but impactful. He held his hands up.
I pressed my lips firmly together as I studied him. "Then why are you here?"
"You rushed out the room so quickly...you looked upset." He shrugged his broad shoulders while he lowered his hands to his sides.
My eyes fixed on those shoulders. I remembered how my hands had slipped past them to link around his neck when he had kissed me. My focus moved to his lips. The lips that had pressed against mine and made everything else disappear into the background.
Even now just standing a few feet from him, I wasn't safe. Memories of our kiss was so clear in my mind, I could even feel the pressure of his mouth on mine.
He was seeing it too. I could tell by the way his eyes lingered on my lips. I swallowed hard.
I couldn't be in the same vicinity as him. This was crazy.
"You don't have to touch me for me to...feel it," I finally admitted.
His eyes dropped to the floor and he kicked something a stone. "I know...I feel it too."
With his admission his eyes lifted to mine. I wanted to gravitate to him, I wanted him to make me feel that way again but I kept my distance. This was wrong, even if I wanted it, it was still wrong.
Max. I had to remember I didn't want to hurt him.
"I didn't come here with any agenda. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. And if you aren't, that's okay too." He was far too perceptive. He could see more than anyone else.
I turned back to look into the distance of the trees surrounding the hospital building. "I'm not okay. How can I be okay?" I paused, trying to catch the feelings bubbling back up to the surface. "This isn't fair?"
I looked back over my shoulder. "I don't understand why this is happening to her? Why her? Why not me?"
"There is no reason. It just happened that way." His voice was soft.
"Everyone else seems to be handling this better than I am. I'm angry, hurt and fucking scared."
His footsteps drew closer. I felt his hand on my shoulder and I sighed.
"We are all feeling those things. Some are just better at hiding it."
I bowed my head. He turned me to face him. I couldn't look him in the eye. He seemed to know what I needed, I didn't have to ask. He hugged me and I let him.