It was official. I was done playing fucked up games with Nathan's heart, and I was going to remove myself from his life for good.
But first, I had to say goodbye...
As selfish as it might seem, I couldn't leave just like that. I needed to see him smile one more time, I needed to call him Natalie one more time, and lastly, I needed to look at those eyes of his. Just one more time.
With a deep breath, I made my way up the spiral staircase on the top floor. It had been two hours since Nathan had supposedly gone for his shower, but he still hadn't come down for breakfast. When I asked his dad where he might be, he told me he had likely gone up to the rooftop. So, that's where I was heading now. I was going to share one last conversation with him, say goodbye, and then leave.
Once I reached the top of the stairs, I softly pushed open the door and slowly trailed my way out onto the rooftop. The bright light of the morning sun instantly hit my eyes, and I squinted a little to help me see better. As my visual cleared, I saw him; Nathan.
He was sat on one of the sofas near the edge of the rooftop and was lazily looking out at the view of the beach. I made my way slowly over to him, and once I was close, I cleared my throat to get his attention.
He turned his head, and his eyes lit up with surprise as he drunk me in, scanning me from head to toe. His lips tugged up. "Wow, too lazy to even get dressed?" he teased.
I looked down and blushed, realizing I was still wearing my mini red pajama set and shawl. "Obviously, I'm lazy," I joked.
After a couple seconds of the two of us awkwardly staring at each other, I cleared my throat. "Mind if I sit?" I asked softly.
He nodded his head and smiled faintly. "Yeah, sure, I don't mind at all," he said, shuffling a little to the side.
I took a seat beside him and stared aimlessly out towards the sea. Pathetically, I was scared to say anything because I knew the quicker I started the conversation, the quicker it would end. Finally, plucking up enough courage, I glanced his way.
"So, how did you sleep?" I asked curiously. After his horrific nightmare last night, the question had been playing on my mind all morning. It was depressing that I was the cause of his nightmares and provided yet another reason why I should leave his life.
"Yeah, quite good, actually. After I went to bed with you, it was probably one of the best sleep I've had in a long while," he said with an honest look in his eyes. "So, thanks for that," he smiled as his eyes flickered back and forth between mine.
Unable to handle his gaze, I looked down to my lap in embarrassment and plucked at the end of my shirt. "I'm not sure why you're thanking me. I think you had a good sleep despite me," I laughed.
As I looked up at him, I found his eyes set on mine. "No," he said, shaking his head. "I had a good sleep because of you. Trust me."
Wanting to shift the conversation away from the topic of us sleeping beside one another, I cleared my throat. "So, why are you out here and not down at breakfast? Avoiding me, perhaps?" I teased.
A faint smile played on his lips, and he softly shook his head once more. "No, of course not. I actually came out here to give you some space. I figured I must be driving you crazy with all my constant smothering. I won't let you eat alone, I won't let you sleep alone, for fucks sake, I can't even seem to let you shower alone. I'm pathetic," he snickered, despite the fact, there was little to no amusement in his tone.
I nudged his shoulder comfortingly. "Hey, don't feel bad, and you've always been a little bit annoying, so don't let this get you down," I said with a playful smile.
Nathan gave me an incredibly flat look, but I could still see the tendrils of amusement dancing in his eyes. "That goes both ways, you know; you're equally as annoying," he said, giving me a pointed look.
I laughed despite his insult. "No, but seriously," I said, sobering up. "I'm not irritated by the way you've been acting at all. If anything it's kinda sweet. But as sweet as it is, I still think you shouldn't worry so much. I'm pretty sure if someone takes their eyes off me for a minute, I'm not going to miraculously die," I snorted.
Nathan went incredibly still, and after several breaths of silence, he slowly shook his head.
"Sometimes that's all it takes," he said, staring at the ground. "Sometimes you take your eyes off someone for a second, and that's all they need."
I furrowed my brows. "Nathan, are you okay?"
Nathan looked at me long and hard, his eyes swimming with a thousand emotions all at once before he went back to looking at the sea.
He shook his head. "No," he swallowed, his voice holding an edge to it. Hearing the tension behind his tone, I knew it was best not to say anything.
"You know, how I told you I was the youngest sibling?" he said, still staring forward.
I nodded my head slowly.
"Well, I lied..." He paused. I'm the middle child."
"What?" I said, my brows furrowing. "Why would you lie?" I had been talking to Nathan for months now, and he'd only mentioned one sibling: Noah.
He shrugged. "Because it hurts to talk about," he said, silence following his words. "But, as shitty as it is to talk about, you deserve to know why I've been treating you the way I have," he mumbled as he spared me a brief look.
"No, you don't. You don't have to tell me anything that's going to stress you out, okay," I explained adamantly.
"Yes, I do," he stated with a finality in his tone. After several breaths of silence, he cleared his throat and settled his eyes on mine. "My parents had three sons, not two. First, it was Noah, then two years later me, and then another two years later-," He paused to breathe. "-and then Aden, my little brother was born."
I stilled, instantly recognizing that name as the same one he had called out in his dream. "As we were so close in age, all three of us used to get along quite well. We all had our own little personalities. Noah was the cool one. I was the goody-two-shoes. And well, Aiden, Aiden was absolutely fucking nuts," he said, his lips breaking out into a reminiscent smile.
I smiled along with him, not being able to help myself. "Well, that's a flattering description, isn't it," I joked.
"I don't mean it in a bad way," he smiled. "It's what I liked most about him. He was so full of energy, so happy, so funny. He was always winding people up and stuff, you know, your typical prankster kid. He even got me at one point. The little fucker dipped my hand in cold water in the night and made me wet my bed," he chuckled.
My eyebrows shot right up. "Oh, my god, how old were you?" I gasped as I desperately tried to control the urge not to smile.
"Twelve," he said flatly.
As soon as he said that, I fully broke out into laughter, tears starting to pool in my eyes. "Oh my god, that's so embarrassing. You must have been so pissed at him."
"Not really," he smiled. "Nobody could really stay mad at him for too long. That boy could literally murder someone, and we'd all cover for him in a heartbeat," he snickered, shaking his head fondly at the memory.
After a couple of seconds of staring into space with a smile, he turned back to me. "He kind of reminds me of you, you know," he said, fondness sparkling in his eyes.
I blinked back at him in surprise. "Really?"
"Yeah, you both know how to annoy me to hell and back," he said, his eyes twinkling.
I quickly opened my mouth to defend myself, but then I slowly shut it, realizing he kind of had a point. "Well, whatever, all the best people are annoying," I bragged.
"Clearly," he snorted. "But, you're like him in other ways as well. You've got a similar kind of humor to him. As strange as it sounds, I've kind of missed having someone tease me like he used to," he admitted quietly.
I stared at him, my mind swirling with questions. "Nathan....what happened to him?" I asked cautiously.
As soon as my question was asked, it felt as though the whole mood in the air changed.
Nathan let out a heavy exhale and stared straight out ahead. "Aiden shared another characteristic of yours. And that was his impulsiveness," he swallowed.
"He'd chase and pursue dangerous things and ideas without a second thought to his well-being or safety. One day a couple years ago, we came over to Greece on holiday like we always did. Aiden was fourteen, and I had turned sixteen. We...erm, we had the day to ourselves because our parents trusted us and all, and Aiden and I were left by ourselves since Noah wanted to go flirt with some beach girls," he snickered.
"And it took Aiden all of three seconds to suggest we go dirt biking along the mountains since he was certifiably obsessed with it," he muttered lightly.
"I was a bit hesitant because I was a bit of a scaredy-cat, but as I said before, Aiden had everybody wrapped around his finger, so I agreed. And when we were..erm..maybe ten minutes into our ride, he started blabbing on about this new trick he'd learned. I was barely listening since I was so deep in thought. And that's when I heard a crash. He was lying on the floor with gas spitting out from his bike, and there was blood, so much fucking blood," he whispered, his voice cracking.
I immediately reached for his hand."Nathan, it's alright. I get it, you don't have to tell the rest of the story."
He shook his head furiously, and I was shocked to see tears reddening his eyes. "No, you need to hear the rest," he said determinedly.
"He had knocked his head, super, super fucking badly, and he wasn't waking up," he said, his voice shaking violently. "I c-called the hospital and my parents, and well, we waited. We waited for two horrible days, and then, he finally woke up. And the moment he cracked a joke, we all knew he was going to be okay," he said with a stressed laugh.
"They let him go immediately, and we were all so happy that nothing was wrong with him. But then, but then," his voice really started to shake.
"It's okay, it's okay, you're okay," I said as I rubbed his back soothingly.
"But then, I yelled up the stairs to call him down for dinner. But he didn't respond. I thought he was listening to music, but when I went to his room to check, he was lying there... I ran over to the bed to check he was alright, and there was the blood again. There was so much fucking more than before, and it wouldn't stop coming. I checked if he was still breathing, but but..," Nathan completely lost it, and he buried his face in his hands and started to sob furiously.
I felt sick as I watched him. His story was truly horrific, and I felt sickened at myself for thinking I ever had a right to hurt him.
I didn't have to think twice, and I immediately wrapped both my arms around him and held him as he cried.
"I'm so sorry, Nathan, I'm so sorry," I repeated as his hands wrapped desperately around my back.
"He was supposed to be alright," he whispered over and over as
I continued to hug him. "Shh, it's okay, it's okay," I kept repeating as more racks shook his body. I wasn't sure how long the two of us hugged, but I would have honestly stayed there all day if it made him happy.
Slowly, Nathan pulled apart from me and wiped the tears furiously away from his eyes. He leaned back against the back of the sofa with a shaky breath. "After we lost Aiden, I relied on Noah more than ever," he said looking down at his lap.
"I would constantly go to talk to him and ask for advice. I couldn't understand how he was so good at handling it when I was so fucking terrible. He would always tell me to try not to feel too much and that it was my thinking and over-sensitivity that was dragging me down. He took me out drinking, tried to get me to sleep around as he did, but I resisted it all. I couldn't be who he wanted me to be. I couldn't forget," he rambled out frustratedly.
I frowned, annoyance tugging through my chest. "That doesn't sound very healthy though. I mean drinking, and sleeping around might help you for the short-term, but that's a pretty shit solution for the long-term. Your brother was arguably handling it worse than you," I argued.
"Yeah, well, unfortunately, my stupid sixteen-year-old brain couldn't see that, and I wanted nothing more than to be like him," he said with a humorless chuckle.
"The problem was I couldn't. I failed at absolutely everything he taught me. I couldn't hold down a drink without gagging all over the place, and any time he tried to set me up with a girl, I'd run away," he snorted.
I raised a humor-filled eyebrow. "I can imagine that," I joked, not being able to help myself.
He smiled a little at my joke before his eyes started to fade again. "That continued for about a year or so, and then things got worse," he mumbled, a disturbing look passed through his eyes.
"My mum couldn't handle the loss of her youngest son. So, one night long of too much heavy drinking, and maybe even drugs....She up and left," he swallowed. "She never even fucking said goodbye; she just abandoned us. I haven't even seen her since, so she could be dead for all I know."
"Oh my god, Nathan, I'm so sorry, that's awful," I said, my voice cracking a little. To lose a brother in one year was one thing, but to lose your mother as well. That would be unfathomable.
"Don't be. I don't want someone in my life like that anyway. And besides, my dad is more than enough," he explained adamantly.
"That's something we can definitely agree on," I said, shooting Nathan a weak smile.
"Noah didn't see it like that though. Our mother leaving was his absolute breaking point, and he finally snapped. The ideologies he tried to force on me before, he tried to force even stronger. I remembered one night, he was yelling at me to toughen up, or he'd make me toughen up. I didn't know what he was on about. I was so confused. It was hard to wrap my head around the idea of my older brother, who had always had my back, suddenly being gone. And I definitely didn't expect him to go as far as he did," he whispered.
"What did he do?" I asked hesitantly.
He looked down to the floor. "You know I was telling you how helpless I was with girls?" he said.
I nodded my head slowly. "Well, for a year or two, I developed the most pathetic crush on this brunette in my high school called Heather. She was the type of girl that every guy wanted. Super popular, cheerleader, lots of friends," he hummed.
"So, naturally, I used to go to Noah all the time to ask for his advice. He would coach me for hours and hours on what to say to her, how to approach her, and all this other ridiculous crap. He did it for months and months, but I never really plucked up enough courage to do anything. And well after Aiden's accident, I obsessed over her more than ever because it made me feel secure. And Noah noticed that. He kept telling me how weak I was and that if I were a real man, I'd put my feelings aside and just sleep with her," he scoffed.
"When I told him no, that wasn't me, he sort of laughed and told me he'd sort out my sensitivity problems himself."
I felt my heart start to elevate, not liking where his story was heading.
"And my brother, the guy I looked up to, the guy who I idolized and thought could do me no wrong. He slept with her. He purposely slept with heather to hurt me. He actively sought her out at some dumb party. And the most fucked up thing was how he told me," he spat. "He literally sent me a picture of the two of them in bed captioned 'man up'," he uttered his voice visibly shaking.
My eyebrows furrowed in disgust. "What the hell is wrong with him? That's so fucked up," I cried, my voice coming out stronger and fiercer than I had expected.
Nathan chuckled darkly. "No, the fucked-up thing was that I actually listened. I changed because of him, I went cold because of him. That's why I sleep around, that's why I don't make friends, that's why I was a piece of shit when we met. I was trying to be him," he yelled, his voice cracking harshly.
I stared at him in shock, as the truth slowly sunk through me. Everything made sense now. He was obsessed with sleeping around with those brunette models because of Heather. And he resisted so hard in being my friend because he was too scared to trust anyone.
What the fuck had I done...
While I felt guilt rip my heart into pieces, Nathan's eyes dug piercingly into my own, holding a terrifying softness to them.
Don't say anything, Nathan. Please, please don't say anything.
His Adam's apple bobbed as he continued to stare into my eyes. "But then you came along," he whispered.
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Author's note:
And there is is guys. What are your thoughts? Did you get it right or wrong?
Next Update: Friday (6-8 PM - UK time)