Siyeon x Female Reader
Idol soulmate au
Status - Ongoing (1 part) ⚠️
Warnings ~ angst, mentions of a friend dying, mentions of being outed, eventual fluff
'Big Hit's first ever girl group breaks countless records with their debut music video only 24 hours after its release. It seems as if these girls have already achieved international success without even stepping foot on stage! They are set to open the Mnet Asian Music Awards in just an hour. This will be their first ever live appearance. Right now, everyone in the world is watching their screens with anticipation for these 7 powerful rookies. But, no pressure, right?'
After reading countless articles, hoping they would ease my mind, I sighed and closed out of the safari app. All that managed to do was make the pang of nerves in my chest even more prevalent. So, instead, I placed my noise-cancelling headphones over my ears, careful not to mess up my hair that the stylist had worked on for the past half an hour. Going to my Spotify, I chose a playlist and clicked shuffle, the sound of a smooth electric guitar immediately covering up the backstage clamor. Leaning back in a chair in the corner of our group's dressing room, I closed my eyes and let the soft voice of Jeremy Zucker block out all my previous worries.
"Keep your head on straight
You'll see better days
Life's a choice we make
Every day."
At times like this, music seemed to be the only thing keeping me going. There's so much conflicting noise in the world, even more so now that I'm an idol. So many things to worry about being thrown at you every second of every day: peoples' opinions, your own opinions, family, friends, love. Lately, those last two were the main source of my anxiety.
"Someone died
And my face went numb
We're all asking "why?"
Does that make us dumb?"
Ironically, right before I made my debut and achieved my dream, the very friend who encouraged me to chase it missed it by just a few days. It's funny how the universe works in such sick, twisted ways. As if everything is just one big cosmic joke. Well, at least that's the easiest perspective to have considering the thought of my best friend dying for no reason at all was slowly driving me to a dark place that I couldn't afford to be in. Not now. Not when I should be one of the happiest people on the planet. Because that's the one minor fact that those articles seemed to leave out.
"If love is the answer
What is the question?"
Maybe I see the worst in people by assuming they didn't mention my loss in the news because they think my group's debut is more important. Maybe it was a whole other reason entirely. What with idols not being allowed to date and all, tragic incidents were often avoided, or even covered up in some cases. Whether you're superstitious or not, you knew the meaning of the word 'soulmate'. Only, in our world, that meaning was much deeper... much more real.
From birth, every single person is inherently connected to another human on this planet. A birthmark was present on your wrist that acted as your only connection to your destined partner until you met. Through this you could feel their most intense emotions. When your soulmate was sad, you could sense it and feel it yourself. When they were injured, you also felt their pain. In the same sense, your mood has an impact on them as well. If you were happy, it would make them happy. No matter what you felt, you felt it together.
At first, it seems like some nice romantic fantasy. I couldn't lie and say I didn't sit up at night, rubbing my thumb over my birthmark and imagining what she looked like. Remembering the days when I was at my lowest and feeling that sudden surge of happiness emanating from the spot on my wrist. Hoping that those moments were intentional, that she was doing anything she could to make me feel better. Picturing what it would be like meeting her for the first time ever and dreaming helplessly for a lifetime of happiness together.
An unreachable paradise.
But then I wake up the next morning alone, forced to shove those childish fantasies to the back of my mind and live my life normally. In the real world, you don't exactly have time for all of that. It's like when people tell you to live in the moment and spend every second like it's your last. It's a nice sentiment and all, but as a young adult who's expected to have their whole life planned ahead of them, that's not exactly realistic. Plus, who knows if I'll ever even meet my soulmate. Over the years I've found the idea of it less exciting and more depressing. Normally it only crosses my mind when I feel her euphoria at random times in the day or get woken up in the middle of the night by her anguish. Other than that, I try not to think about it.
The only reason it's on my mind now is because of those articles... Those who truly believe in the idea of soulmates say that you will find yours after something tragic happens. Everyone who has ever (allegedly) found their soulmate claims that they had just gone through the worst moment of their lives before they found each other. Because of this rumor, most idols' tragic events aren't publicized. If fans think that their favorite idol met their soulmate, the response could be negative, therefore potentially causing the company to lose money. And, of course, in something as corrupt as the music industry, most CEOs only care about revenue, not the well-being of their own artists.
Although, getting my hopes up over something that's most likely not going to happen wasn't a very logical choice right now. As much as my hopeless romantic heart would love to believe that the moment I had been waiting for my whole life was possibly only seconds away, so was my first ever live performance in front of a crowd of thousands (or even millions, counting the people watching at home). The very last thing I needed was to get distracted and mess up my group's performance over a ridiculous fantasy.
Right on cue, one of my members tapped my shoulder, jolting me forward in my seat. Now that my eyes were opened, I took in the scene in front of me. It felt chaotic. Even more so when I took off my headphones and heard the chatter around me. Maybe I was just shocked by the sudden mood shift, but it felt like everyone was in a panic. After all, this was a huge deal. Our first ever performance. I don't even need to mention the fact that we would be opening one of the biggest music show awards on the continent. That would just add an unbearable weight on my shoulders that I wasn't quite ready to carry this early in my career (or, you know... ever).
"You zoned out there for a while. Are you okay, unnie?" One of the younger members asked me, clearly concerned.
My entire group had been very sympathetic to my situation, always checking up on me and making sure I was taking care of myself. Our group leader even tried to get me to sit out of this performance since the loss was so recent. Of course, I appreciated how thoughtful they were, but there's no way I could miss something this important. Honestly I think it would've made me more depressed than before. Music was a distraction for me. I needed this.
"Yeah, I'm alright. Don't worry about me." I replied and she just nodded with a sad smile. "What about you? Nervous?" She nodded once more, so I reached out to grab her hand. "Me too." I sighed. "But, I think, being nervous is a good thing. It means you want to do well. Just don't overthink it and try to have fun. We're getting to perform on the stage of our dreams after all, we should enjoy it." I squeezed her hand and finished with a smile. At least I sounded optimistic to her, even if I was mostly saying those things out loud to reassure myself.
In the next few minutes, the stylists, managers, and crew went around, making sure everyone's outfits, hair, and mics were all in perfect condition. Some of the members warmed up their vocals while others practiced dance moves over and over again. Two in particular were talking to each other in an attempt to fight off the nerves. I couldn't help but overhear their conversation.
"Have you looked at the news lately?" One of them asked.
"I haven't touched my phone all day. I'm too scared to see everyone's opinions of our debut." The other replied.
"It wasn't about our debut actually... you know the group Dreamcatcher, right?" The first one asked.
"Yeah, of course I know them. You talk about them all the time, pabo." She laughed, but the other girl's face stayed serious, causing her to close her mouth. "What happened?" She sounded worried now.
"One of the members was outed." Once the words left her mouth, everyone within earshot paused what they were doing and looked at her in shock.
It was quiet for a moment before the other member finally asked, "Who was it? How did it happen?"
The first girl swallowed thickly before reluctantly answering, "Their main vocalist, Lee Siyeon. I think the article said something about her ex-girlfriend from high school exposing her." She frowned, mirroring everyone's feelings.
After her words sunk in, the whole world came to a halt around me. Maybe it was because she had just experienced my deepest fear or maybe it was some other reason that I wouldn't understand until later, but, in that moment, I had this intense sinking feeling in my chest. It was almost as unbearable as receiving the news that my friend didn't make it. Except, this time I didn't know the girl. Siyeon. I knew of her, but I had never met her. In fact, I couldn't really recall what she looked like, only seeing her a few times in pictures that my member insisted on showing us. So why did this affect me so much? Why did it feel like I had been through it myself when I obviously haven't?
"We're on in ten. Time to go." Our group leader said, breaking up our conversation. Although I didn't hear a word they said after the news about Siyeon. Almost unconsciously, I stood up and followed behind. My mind was still elsewhere and my chest felt heavy. How was I supposed to go on stage and perform after feeling like I just got shot in the heart? Imagine someone you once loved telling the entire world your biggest secret. That had to be devastating.
"Hey." Someone whispered next to me, holding onto my arm. I looked over, noticing the young member I talked to earlier. "Remember what you told me? Don't overthink. Let's enjoy this." Her kind smile and soft voice helped ground me. I managed to take a deep breath and finally focus my mind on the task at hand. Even though I was emotionally exhausted and this feeling most likely wasn't going away anytime soon, this wasn't the first time I've had to put on a fake smile and push through the pain. It was a habit at this point, which probably wasn't very healthy, but it was necessary.
We reached the edge of the stage and our leader called us into a huddle. She put her hand in the middle and everyone else followed suit. "Don't be scared. We got this." Her eyes gazed around the circle, looking at us proudly and successfully giving us the confidence we needed to do well. "3, 2, 1,"
"Kaja!"
- Love you always ❤️