Hell?
The bushes swayed again, but so did the leaves and the grass and the small branches on the large trees. I turned and let out an annoyed breath. It had just been a breeze. I was getting startled by the wind. Great. I'm really losing it.
Brushing myself off, I forced my breathing to smooth and focused only on gathering wood. By the time I found my way back to the cave, the others had already begun unpacking at the edge where light still shone. I dropped the wood at the mouth of the cave, said, "I'm going to try to find water," and left again. Yet again, no one questioned me.
_________________
I was unsuccessful in finding a river. What kind of forest doesn't have one damn stream? Honestly.
It must've been an hour later, possibly more, before I found the cave again. The sun had set and I shivered in my coat as a chill set in. Even walking up to the cave, camouflaged by the night, I heard the sound of laughter. Pure, real laughter.
The others... They were telling jokes and sharing stories amongst each other. I identified each of their laughs. Even Ace was chuckling.
My steps slowed as I neared the cave. I peeked in, seeing the fire paint colors of red and orange on the walls, watching the others have a good time talking and eating whatever food they had cooked. Then I turned and sat against the rock hill, next to the entrance of the cave. I didn't announce my presence, didn't do anything other than sit and watch the stars above me while hearing the melody of laughter float to me.
They deserved this moment of happiness, and if that meant me staying away, so be it.
___________________
The sound of footsteps increased. I didn't have to look to know it was Sorin who sank down next to me, who followed my gaze to the stars.
We hadn't talked for five days.
"You have a habit of separating yourself from everyone else," he said finally.
I swallowed and said quietly, "I didn't want to wreck the mood."
Feeling his eyes fall down on me, I continued spinning the knife I had against my knee. "What do you mean?" He asked, as though confused. I didn't feel like explaining that I made the group fall silent when I walked in, that their laughter was scarce with me around. I quite literally made laughter die. So instead, I said,
"The sky is pretty tonight." Sorin looked up again, squinting.
"Yeah, I guess."
"That's what I studied in the castle," I said quietly, not sure why I had. It was just sort of the first thing that I thought of, and it had just come out. "Astrology."
Sorin seemed shocked that I had switched to this conversation, but he went with it. "Out of all the courses, you chose astrology? That's useful," he mumbled sarcastically. I shot him a quick glare.
"What did you study in the castle, anyway?"
Sorin gave me an incredulous glare. "Fighting." Shocker. That was the only thing he was good at. Well, that and sex, but, anyway-
Rolling my eyes, I said, "Look up." When he didn't, when he stared dumbly at me, I scoffed. "Just do it." Sighing heavily, Sorin tilted his head up toward the sky.
"What exactly am I supposed to be looking at?" I looked up with him.
"Well, what do you see?"
Sorin exhaled irritably and shook his head. "I don't know. Dark sky? Small balls of light with no meaning or purpose what-so-ever?"
"'No meaning or purpose'?" I asked in disbelief. I scoffed again and shifted slightly. "They... they tell stories, they paint pictures in the sky. They're a map, a universal guide to know where to go. They're... breathtaking." Sorin scoffed and chuckled.
"Breathtaking? Now that's a bit far. You know what's breathtaking is..." he cut himself off and when I looked from the sky to see what had stopped him, our eyes met. Sorin was staring at me, his eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly.
"What?" I asked. Sorin cleared his throat and looked up again.
"Uh, nothing." He chuckled. "I don't see any damn pictures or maps," he said. I shook my head and scooted closer to him, pointing up.
"Look, soldier, that there is the North star. It's the brightest, and your guide if you're ever lost." My hand shifted to the right. "That is the Jehala's sword. It's said to have been made by the god of the elements as a reminder to the people of who watches over them. It's said that he protects the most worthy in their most dire times." I blew out a breath. "A load of shit, don't you think?" Glancing down, I saw that I was much, much, closer to Sorin than I thought.
He was right beside me, so close my back was brushing his inner thigh of his outstretched leg. I watched him as he watched the sky where my hand still pointed, his mouth parted, jaw slack. My gut cinched, face softening. I suddenly didn't remember why I'd been out here at all.
"I see it," he chuckled, a murmur so soft I wouldn't have heard it if it were not for how close we were. Slowly, he looked down and caught my eyes. Surprise washed over him. We were quiet for many moments.
"You see," I breathed, swallowing deeply, "I told you they were breathtaking."
Sorin shook his head softly. His eyes glanced at my lips, then back up. "That's not why I'm breathless, Vera." Our faces were barely an inch from each other. His breath warmed my cheek. Neither of us spoke. We were staring at each other, both of us confused and so, so close. Too close, I reminded myself, yet I didn't move. Didn't want to.
My hand dropped slowly, falling into my lap. Sorin's head dipped down, testing to see what I'd do, testing to see if I wanted to. And God, I did. So fucking bad.
Don't forget the only reason why he's here.
Rafe's warning coursed through me.
Don't forget what he has to do.
My jaw clenched, and I shifted my head away from him, fixing my eyes on the ground. Like a coward, I didn't want to see his face, and selfishly, I wanted him to leave.
It was as if he'd read my mind, because after a second, he stood and left quietly. That's where I finally glanced down to where he had been sitting and was surprised to find, in his place, a coat. His coat.
Slowly, I reached out. My fingers brushed the thick fabric before they wrapped around the sleeve. And I pulled on his coat, warming up instantly.
My neck turned to the entrance of the cave, and as I fell asleep, wrapped up in Sorin's coat, I found myself imagining what his lips might've felt like against mine.
_________________
But even Sorin couldn't keep away the nightmares.
This one was bad, worse than I'd had in a while. I woke up screaming and lucid, pushing off whoever was shaking my shoulder in a desperate attempt to wake me.
When I finally calmed down enough that my vision focused, I saw it was Rafe. "It was a dream," he said soothingly, helping me sit up then immediately backing away a few paces. He's woken me up from enough nightmares to know to give me space as I gather my surroundings.
I shakily ran my hands through my hair and inhaled, the cold air pinching my lungs. Flexing my hands, I felt how stiff they were. I didn't meet Rafe's eyes as I asked, "Did... did I say anything this time?" He was quiet for a second.
"Mostly the usual. 'No', 'stop', 'don't'..." I rubbed my face.
"But?" Another silence.
"Ryn." Catching me off guard, I finally looked up at him. Ryn... that's a name I haven't heard spoken in years. "You... you began yelling that name. I'm shocked the others slept through it." He paused for a moment. "Who is he?" I just stared at him, and if I hadn't been so damn tired and cold and thirsty, maybe I wouldn't have responded.
"My reason to live," I said. Simple. True. Short.
Rafe nodded and knew not to press further. That was the end of the conversation.
We were on the road not even an hour later. Sorin avoided me, didn't so much as glance at me. I still had his jacket on, but having packed an extra, he didn't ask for it back. And I, also avoiding him, didn't bring it up.
________________
Slowly, the forest thinned. After a few hours, I didn't even have to use my machete anymore to carve us a path. A path was already carved.
We followed it silently, our boots stomping over dead leaves and grass. Another hour went by, followed by another until it was midday.
And that's when we heard it- the burbling of water as it traveled in its bed. We all stopped, having to exchange no words to confirm that we all knew what that was, what it meant.
A river.
Giddy about the thought of fresh water, we all followed its sound in a brisk walk. And when we broke through the trees and saw a small creek with clear water flowing over smooth rocks, we practically jumped in.
"Finally!" Sophie exclaimed, taking out her thermos and kneeling down, filling it up to the brim with the water and immediately drinking from it.
We all did the same, drinking probably more than we should. I knelt down onto the damp dirt and scooped water into my palms, rubbing the water on my face and sighing. Not caring about the cold, I shrugged off both my jackets and cupped the water again, rubbing it on my wrists and neck. My hands and body were shaking by the time I was done. I felt my knuckles chafed and red from how frigid the water was.
"Guys..." Carter said softly. He gasped. Looking up, I watched him walk away... and that's when my eyes saw it. Through the final tree line, there was an area of pure grass. The plains.
I stood up and, grabbing my coats, I joined Carter's side, looking down from the hill we were standing on. Grass everywhere. That's all I saw, for miles. And cutting through the grass was a wide and calm river.
To the left, miles upon miles away, there were mountains. Huge, ginormous mountains. They were capped with snow hidden in an ominous mist, just another feature along the horizon.
Sorin walked up next to me and Ace next to him. Rafe and Sophie joined Carter. And for minutes, we just stood there, gaping at the land, at the beauty of it.
Sophie then ran forward, laughing and dropping her bags in the process. She faced us and with her arms outstretched, she yelled up the hill, "No more stupid trees! No more vines and spiders and dehydration!" Carter burst out laughing and went to her. He took her hand gently, raised his other and shouted,
"No more tripping on random branches!" Long story.
Then Rafe and Ace laughed, watching as Carter looped an arm through Sophie's and danced. Sloppily.
They were laughing and spinning and having such a good time that Rafe offered a hand to Ace, smiling. "Well, you're definitely not the worst option here," she had responded, letting him pull her down the hill.
Sorin didn't extend a hand for me (not that I wanted him to, of course). He took two steps forward, hesitated on his third, and said, "Are you coming?". He didn't even look at me.
I said coolly, "Of course I am." And that was that. We walked awkwardly down the hill to join the others.
That night, we camped under the stars with our stomach's full, and the next day, we strolled into another town.
This town, we decided to stay the night in to give us a day to clean and sleep in a good bed. It was much bigger than Gamataīln, with farms and bakeries and a large market in town square. Taverns, fletchers, blacksmiths, barbers, a small book store, and many other small shops were along the streets too. The stone pathway rolled up and down, paved over the natural curves of the Earth.
We didn't have much money, but the inn prices were so low, we could afford five rooms easily with extra left over.
After getting our rooms, I immediately drew a bath, soaking in the soaps and uncanny silence until the water had turned cold. I then washed my clothes into a newly run bath and dressed in the flimsy robe I found in one of the cabinets. Once the water finally ran clear (it took three washes) I hung them up in front of the fire I had started and curled up onto my bed where I fell asleep slowly.
I awoke hours later, while the last rays of the sun were still over the horizon, to the pounding of a fist on my door. Cautiously and drowsily, I slipped from my bed and peeked through the peephole. It was Carter.
Confused, I unlocked and opened the door. "What?"
Carter looked up from the ground, hands shoved into his pockets, and said, "We are going to walk around the town if you want to come." Surprise swept over me as did the urge to slam the door in his face and go back to sleep. I restrained myself.
"I think I'm just going to catch up on some sleep..." Carter frowned.
"Come on, everyone's going. Even Sorin and Ace for God's sake."
"No, really. I'm good." His lips slowly curved into a cheeky, somber smile.
"If not for them, come for me. Please. I don't think I can keep them from killing each other or doing something stupid. Plus, I can't deal with their bickering." Despite myself, I began to smile.
"Fine. I'll go, but only because you're my favorite." I began shutting the door but paused and added, "Don't tell Rafe I said that." Carter choked a laugh.
"Your secrets safe with me. Now, you might want to dress warmer," he pointed to my robe. "The snow is beginning to fall."
_____________________
The sun had set before I walked down to the lobby dressed in washed and warm clothes. Blades were tucked under my heavy coat and my damp hair was braided down my back. I wasn't looking forward to this. At all. Our one night off and we decide to spend it doing what we've been doing for a solid week: walking.
Nobody else seemed to mind though. The only thing Sophie was upset over was the amount of time I took getting ready. She didn't stop complaining even as we exited the inn. I shot Carter a glare for convincing me to come, but he only smiled and shrugged.
Snowflakes fell softly down from the sky, gathering in groups on the pavement and sticking to our clothes. It felt surreal walking through the quaint town. There was a warmth here, like a blanket of happiness had draped itself over the buildings, weaving through the streets. Here, people were friendly and kind. They waved to us, to complete strangers, as we passed, oblivious to our dark pasts and occupations - a princess, a trained killer, a runaway son of a lord, an orphan turned thief, a lost girl with a knack for bombs, and an assassin of a crumbling nation.
But, maybe, there was a little darkness in everyone, and maybe that's why we smiled back at them, to feel normal if not for just a second. To possibly be more than the damned soldiers we were, in this war of survival.