FEBRUARY 2009
"You need to get out of bed." Matt shoved Brian. Brian mumbled incoherently, pulling the pillow over his face. "It's four in the afternoon, dude. We have a contract to commit to. You have to be a fucking person eventually."
Things had only gotten worse since the funeral, if that was possible. Noelle was an unsolved murder case and her ashes were being kept with Mandy's at Jim's place. She had never really wanted a funeral so they honored that wish. After it was ruled an unsolved murder Brian essentially said fuck sobriety and took his drinking from coping to drowning levels. Every day he woke up in the middle of the day, each time more hung over from the last. There wasn't really a break between days. He just sat in his big empty house and blasted music, but honestly a lot of the time he just did it in silence. His live was a revolving door of pills and alcohol, but he hadn't really stooped to the level of sleeping with random people yet because the one time he tried he saw a dead body and wanted to throw up.
Thellessany hadn't visited. She knew better, he thought.
"Shut the fuck up," He groaned at Matt. "Are you all seriously here right now?"
"Call it an intervention." Zack ripped the pillows off which made Brian give a slightly louder muffled groan. "You need to get off of your ass, and not just to black out every night."
Brian lifted his head and looked around. "Where's Jim?"
"He's gone missing. He'll probably be back with half of our next album. You know the one we're contractually agreed to? And the last one, that we need to finish touring?" Matt crossed his arms.
"I didn't even consent to be in a band." Brian said. "The universe just decided so." He didn't have the energy to argue further.
"Matt, grab him." Zack said, as Matt tossed the pillow and picked him up out of bed. Brian shrieked, kicking and screaming.
"WHEN DID YOU GET SO FUCKING STRONG!?"
"When did you get so skinny."
Zack laughed for the first time in a while as they walked to the kitchen where Matt not so gently sat him down on a stool beside the island. Zack tossed him a cold wash cloth, that Matt proceeded to smack onto Brian's face which made him jump.
While Matt was scrubbing his face with the cloth, Zack poured a bowl of fruity pebbles into a bowl of milk, quickly stirring it up with a spoon. The second the cloth was taken off of Brian's face, an Advil was shoved down his throat, washed down with the bowl of cereal.
"OKAY OKAY!" Brian shouted at the rush, shoving them both back as fruity pebble flavored milk dripped down his chin. "I get it! It's just fucking sucked these last two months, okay? And I need to cope in the way that feels right."
"Killing yourself slowly feels right?" Matt furrowed his eyebrows. "Is this what they would've wanted?"
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT THEY WOULD'VE WANTED!" He yelled again, his head pounding. "This is what I want! And what I want is for you to climb off my dick and leave me the fuck alone!"
"We're scared we're gonna find you dead too, fuckface." Zack crossed his arms. "With the path you're going down, you're not too far off."
"What if she's in purgatory?" Brian said quietly, looking away from them. "What if they're suffering, like we were? What if that's why I haven't seen..." He ran a hand through his hair.
"Shut the fuck up." Matt mirrored what Brian had said earlier.
"What if they're being tortured, every single day, god, IT'S AN UNSOLVED FUCKING MURDER!"
Matt grabbed Brian and pushed him back against the island. "THEY'RE NOT IN FUCKING PURGATORY! PURGATORY IS GONE! THEY ARE DEAD FOREVER AND WE AREN'T GETTING THEM BACK SO YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING COWARD AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!"
Matt was a scary guy when he was angry, which was a stark contrast compared to what a huge carebear he is normally.
"What if there was a chance your sister might be over there? The one who was killed all those centuries ago?" Brian didn't back down even though there was a waver in his voice. "Would you just sit back and do nothing? Or would you spend every waking minute thinking about how to get her out of there?"
And that's when Matt clocked Brian in his jaw.
☼
"I said I was sorry." Matt shrugged. "You were acting crazy."
Zack held a bag of frozen peas against Brian's cheek. "Yeah, no better way to sober me up than to nearly break my jaw." He rolled his eyes. "I shouldn't have brought up your sister."
"Purgatory is gone, Brian." Matt lowered his eyes and spoke in a soft tone. "We aren't gonna get them back. I've thought about it more times than I can count."
Brian nodded. "I'm not ready to go back to the studio. I'm not ready to write music. It only makes me think of them. About writing self titled with her," Brian winced as Zack moved the ice pack. "I've never felt this kind of pain in my life. They're both, they're..." He trailed off. "I've had my intestines ripped out of my dead body every day for months before, and it literally pales in comparison."
"It's not too pleasant on us either, obviously. We tried getting in contact with Jim since he's the only one who can talk some goddamn sense into you, but he's out of commission." Zack said.
"You shouldn't bother him." Brian shook his head. "Jim is a fighter. He wouldn't give up as easily as I do."
"Do you want us to stay over?" Matt said as more of a command then a question.
"You're gonna anyway." He shrugged.
☼
"Okay, guess what I'm drawing on your chest. No peeking." Noelle grabbed Brian's hand and made him cover his eyes as she straddled him. "Yes I'm five years old inside, what are you gonna do about it."
"I have a sixth sense for this shit, dumbass." He laughed, not peeking as her pointer finger drew on his chest and stomach. "You know you always lose at this game."
"I can win this time, I'll make it hard."
"It's a palm tree." Brian said. "Was I right?"
"Shut up." She laughed, punching his chest gently.
He grabbed her hips suddenly and flipped her over, her squealing slightly as her back hit the soft mattress and he propped himself on top of her. She looked up at him with a smile. "Admit I'm better than you." he smiled back.
"Nope. You just have weird freaky talents."
"Don't make me do it."
"You'll have my knee in your balls."
He quickly pinned her arms above her head and tickled the shit out of her while she scream-laughed. "JE-JESUS CHRIST! S-STOP!" She laughed as he found the ticklish spot at the bottom of her ribcage. She flailed around in response before accidentally kneeing him in the stomach as he laughed, yelling out in pain. "I TOLD YOU! YOU WERE WARNED! BITCH!"
"It was worth it to hear you laugh," he coughed from beside her, pulling her close. "Will you admit I'm better than you?"
"Nope." She smiled, pulling her face into the pocket of warmth in the crook of his neck. "Never. Not when you're still coughing from that kick." They laid in silence, before she started tracing something into his collarbone with her finger.
He felt the letters.
T-H-E-L-L-E-S-S-A-N-Y.
☼
He shot up from his bed in a cold sweat at the memory, panting heavily. Thellessany.
He rolled his eyes and fell back, hearing Matt snore from his couch downstairs. "Nice joke, Thellessany. Real clever."
One of his guitars was knocked loose from it's hinges, hitting the ground and breaking one of the strings on its way down. He jumped as he looked over. She would've shown herself. She's not exactly modest.
"Well Noelle, I still hate myself. We have this talk every night and that part doesn't change." He said to the air. He had talked to nothingness many times pretending it was her. But tonight he wasn't just depressed. He was completely done. Empty. "The dreams get more and more real every time I have them."
He got up, looking at himself in the mirror. "You remember the time when you were young and you threatened to kill yourself? You stood right at your desk with the razor from a pencil sharpener and said you'd bleed to death with no one to help you if Jim and Matt and Zack didn't come out. You didn't know Zack had to hurt himself even to send one of us to see you." He laughed, shaking his head. "I've known you forever, Ells. Your whole life. How am I supposed to do any of this without you here?"
He paced like he used to. He hated sleeping. He missed when he could go years without sleeping with no consequences.
He found the knife he kept on his nightstand, taking a good look at it.
"You can find the willpower if you're there. You can push hard enough. We have a link. I mean, it's either you appear and are on the other side, or I die. And if you aren't coming back why would I want to live anyway?" He said quietly so they wouldn't hear downstairs. "And they'll be right about me. That they'll find me dead."
He pressed the knife up to his neck. "Speak now or forever hold your peace, Noelle, because if you're really not there I guess I'll be joining you soon!" He said slightly louder. "You just have to push hard enough!"
He began sinking the tip of his knife into the side of his neck before he felt it get swatted out of his hands, and felt a cold body behind him, hugging him from behind with her arms around his waist and crying.