The rumble inside my chest is unbearable as I gaze upon her ocean blue eyes. Parang may kung anong gumapang sa dibdib ko habang pinupukulan ako ng mga titig niya.
"W-What?" I bit my tongue when I heard myself stuttered. Mas tumaas yata ang lebel ng yabang sa mukha niya ng marinig niya iyon habang tinataas ang isang kilay at pilit na itinatago ang isang ngisi.
Parang bumulusok pataas sa ulo ko ang inis ng makita ang adorasyon sa mukha niya! Ito na naman ang mapang-uyam niyang mukha habang tinititigan ako! Ano bang problema ng babaeng ito?!
"The management wants the model to have dinner at the hotel. Miss May just asks me to remind you and... your manager." Nang sabihin niya ang 'manager' ay naglaro sa labi niya ang isang ngiti na puno ng malisya habang nililingon ang direksyon kung nasaan si Ivah.
Awtomatikong napataas ang kilay ko dahil roon. What the hell is she thinking?! Don't tell me, she have hots for Ivah?! Damn, that girl! Kung hindi ko lang siya manager ay baka napagkamalan na siyang masculine model dito!
"Hey! So are you going?" Bumalik ang tingin ko doon sa photographer nang muli na naman siyang magsalita. The amusement is painted all over her face while she looks at me. Napakunot naman ang noo ko habang tinitgnan siya bago tuluyang sumagot.
"I'll tell my PA." Pinal kong saad at naglakad na paalis roon.
I didn't dare to look back at her even if I can feel her eyes piercing through my back as I walk away and try to find George in the sea of people inside the room that are busy for packing up the shoot.
I immediately told George about the after shoot dinner and instruct her to tell Ivah about it. Agad naman niya iyong tinugunan at iniwan na ako sa fitting room para makapagpalit na ng damit. Roon ko lamang naramdaman ng tuluyan ang pagod mula sa araw na iyon. I think having a fight and knowing that Ivah is mad at me, toll a great amount of negativity in my system. Kaya mas pagod na pagod ako.
When I was finish sorting myself out ay pumasok na si George. She also told me that we should attend the dinner to compensate for my spoiled attitude this morning, as per Ivah's word.
Kahit pa ayaw kong gawin iyon ay wala 'rin naman akong nagawa. I want to make it up to Ivah. Iba ang pakiramdam kapag siya iyong galit sa akin. I don't mind if people don't find me pleasing and get piss off over my attitude, I just don't care.
It's just that... Ivah is my only considered friend... I don't want her mad at me.
"O! Selene! I'm so glad you're here! I thought you have gone home because you don't look so well earlier." Hilaw akong napangiti dahil sa sinabi ng head ng management team.
"It was not my intention to be rude. I hope you don't take it against me. I'm just in the middle of something earlier." Pagpapaumanhin ko at talagang hinanap ang mga mata ni Ivah sa gitna ng mga tao sa mahabang table.
I saw her speculating eyes over us. Nang ma-realize niya kung anong ginawa ko ay agad siyang nag-iwas ng tingin at sumimsim sa wine glass niya.
"Oh it was nothing! It was actually to work with you. I'm so glad that you accepted this offer! We should be the one showing you our gratitude. Come! Come! Let's eat! Join us." Agad naman akong nagpasalamat sa papering binigay niya. I settled myself beside Ivah na hindi man lang ako pinapansin.
Huli na ng makita ko ang katapat ko. Her ocean blue eyes lingers on me with malice on it. Agad na pinatunog niya ang dila niya ng lumipat ang tingin niya kay Ivah na busy na sa pagkain. Napairap na lamang ako at buntong hininga bago nagsimulang kumain ng tahimik.
The conversation over the table was a bit random. Ang iba ay tungkol sa kanilang projects ang usapan. They are also discussing the future plans for the contract extension sa ibang models, ang susunod na gagawin sa shoot at marami pang bagay.
I stayed quiet the whole time. Minsan ay isinasali nila ako sa usapan ngunit mas madalas na tahimik lamang ako at iniisip kung paano ko kakausapin si Ivah.
When we finished eating, agad nagpaalam si Ivah upang lumabas. I knew she would take a hit as she always would.
Kahit pa alam niyang sinundan ko siya ay patuloy lamang siya sa paglalakad papunta sa bukas na balkonahe. Not even looking back, even once.
The cold breeze touches my pale white skin when I step outside. Ang madilim na gabi ang bumungad sa aking harapan. Sa ilalim noon ay ang libong ilaw galling sa iba't ibang gusali sa kahabaan ng Metro Manila.
Nang balingan ko si Ivah ay kumuha na siya ng isang yosi mula sa kaha niya. The label of the famous brand of cigarette in black and blue meet my gaze. Agad niya iyong inilagay sa pagitan ng mga labi niya at sinindihan.
Isang hihit sa sigarilyo at buga ng usok mula doon bago niya ako balingan ng tingin. Her eyes meets mine. Punong-puno ng umay at disappointment iyon.
Pakiramdam ko ay nanigas ako ng makumpirmang galit pa rin siya sa akin even if I said that I was sorry to the head awhile ago. I already apologize! Why is she being hot headed nowadays!
"Are you still mad at me?" Hindi ko napigilan ang sariling magtanong. Agad siyang napailing at mapang-asar na nginisian ako bago muling humithit sa sigarilyong nasa kamay.
"Do you even know what you did wrong to piss me off? Selene?"
"I already apologized! I already said that I didn't mean to be rude about what happened earlier."
"You didn't apologized, Selene. You just stated that it you don't mean it but you were never sorry."
Hinndi ako agad nakasagot ng sabihin niya iyon. Isang hiling at hithit muli bago niya na ako tuluyang balingan.
"I knew you were this prideful but I was still disappointed to not even see a hint of remorse in you for being such a bitch... all the time."
Parang may kung anong kumalampag sa dibdib ko ng marinig ko iyon mula sa bibig niya. Agad akong napaiwas ng tingin sa kanya ng maramdaman ang pag-iinit ng mata ko.
Goddamn it! Why do I feel like I'll shed some fucking tears over this kind of conversation! If she insist of being mad... Edi mamatay siya sa galit sa akin! Ako pa ang magbabayad sa kabaong niya!
"See, you don't even get to defend yourself because you know that I'm right. You are so self-righteous , Selene. You don't even acknowledge your own faults."
"I know! I know deep from my bones that my blood runs with pride. I know that I'm mean and I think highly of myself, because I work hard to feel good for myself! I also know that some people will not tolerate this kind of attitude from me, but what can I do? Shall I lower myself so I could fit their standards and they don't feel little about themselves! I know all of those Ivah, but you don't get to call me a bitch because I was never like to you!"
Hindi ko na siya inantay pang makasagot at nagdesisyon nang umalis roon. I don't want her to see me cry over such a stupid argument! Kanina pa ko nag so-sorry! Kung hindi niya ako kayang patawarin over some petty issue, then don't! Damn her!
"Woah! Did you have a lover's quarrel?!" Agad akong napatakip ng labi at napasinghap ng marinig ko iyon. When I look at my side ay nakita ko roon iyong photographer.
She was just casually leaning against the wall, hawak ang camerang nakasabit sa kanyang leeg sa kabilang kamay habang ang isa ay nakapamulsa. Her ocean blue eyes find mine immediately at agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin, nagbabakasakaling hindi niya mapapansin ang papaiyak ko ng itsura.
"Did you fight with your lover? Never knew that the famous Selena Ailenne will have a relationship with her manager." Parang umurong lahat ng luha ko ng marinig ko ang mga salitang iyon sa bibig niya.
"What the fuck did you say?" Hindi ko na napigilan ang sariling mairita dahil sa sinabi niya. A small chuckle came out of her at parang mas lalong uminit ang ulo ko.
"Oh? Am I wrong? I was just wondering why are you rushing with teary eyes out of the balcony kung saan nadoon din ang manager mo? Just cam into a scenario of break up. Nanawa na siya?"
Pakiramdam ko ay mag-aapoy ang tenga ko sa usok ng marinig ko ang sinabi niya. My eyebrow furrow and I immediately look at her as if I would kill her on the spot.
"What the hell is your problem with me? Kanina ka pa!" The sudden outburst was uncontrollable. The ignition of both my anger and frustration from Ivah's words and the accumulated irritation that I've been feeling this morning with her presence suddenly run wild.
"What? I'm not doing anything?" Inosente niyang saad. A mocking sound came out of me because of how unbelievably annoying she can be.
"Starting from earlier this morning, up until now. You are mocking me with your stares, showing your intimidating presence and even now! You're being nosy with someone's else business! Where did you fucking get that idea? Are you nuts?!"
"Woah! Chill your mouth, miss. Masyado ka naming galit? Totoo nga ang sabi-sabi. You are hot-headed and a prideful woman. Don't even lower your head for even just a little. I thought I should have given you the benefit of the doubt, pero aura mo pa lang. Halata mo ng mapag-mataas. I don't really like people like you, you know just full of boast."
That's it. I'm done here.
"You know what, fuck you." I said without hesitation and a straight face towards her.
"You don't get to tell me whether those assumptions are true,, those things -- I get to decide those for myself. So shut your fucking mouth!"
Matapos kong sabihin iyon ay nakita ko ang bahid ng gulat sa kanyang mukha. Agad ko siyang inirapan at pagalit na nagmartsa paalis sa harapan niya.
"And I don't fucking like you too." Mariin kong bulong sa sarili habang galit na naglalakad palayo.
Hindi ko na inisip pa kung dapat akong magpaalam sa kanila o kung magagalit man si Ivah kung hindi ko iyon gagawin. I had enough today! I cannot bear another word from any of them! They are just too much! Too much for me to handle!
I know those things from the start. Bata pa lang ako marami ng nagsasabi na I have the feeling of being superior above others! Of course, I have! I was raise in a well-off environment with both of my parents hard earned money. I'm stunning and beautiful like my mother and have the prideful intelligence like my father. I worked hard to be where I am now and I don't owe that to anyone! I don't have to lower myself just so people around me could equal me!
I worked so hard for myself because this is where I'm best! So who are they to dictate me about how wrongful my personality is?!
I was never kind, never the one to settle for less. I was never the one to adjust and offer something cheap. I was never the one to lower myself, it is the responsible of the people who want me to equal me!
Bakit ako mag-a-adjust para sa kanila?!
Goddamn those woman to tell me those words?!
It doesn't mean that I was prideful, I don't get hurt over such things!
I now I'm not the kindest, but I know how to pay respect when respect is given to me first!
Even after that night, the anger in me never did subside. Sa tuwing kailangan kong magtrabaho ay hindi ko na hinahanap pa si Ivah sa sama ng loob na meron ako para sa kanya. She called me multiple times but I just ignore her and let George talk to her.
Hindi ko pa kayang harapin siya. For the whole time that I tried to stay distant at her, I didn't even let myself cry over such conversation. It's not worth my tears, kung ganoon ang tingin sa akin ni Ivah, it's not my problem anymore!
Isa pa iyong photographer na iyon! Talking to me as if she's part of my life! Fuck her!
Laking sisi ko na pumayag ako sa project na ito. I don't care who she is, what she achieved but she is no way in any ground to tell me those words.
I hate both of them! I really hate them!
Dahil na 'rin sa tambak na trabaho ay hindi ko napansin na ngayong araw na ang continuation ng shoot namin para doon. Irita akong bumangon at inabot ang phone ko. I saw another missed call from Ivah pero agad ko iyong hindi pinansin at binalingan ang reminder na ginawa ni George para sa araw na ito.
I don't have a prior appointment on anything today other than the 10 hour shoot na sisimulan mamayang ala-una. I remember that they are conflict with my other projects with this one kaya hindi na namin kakayanin ang pangatlong shoot pa. We need to finish my parts today.
Napabuntong hininga naman ako at bagot na tumuloy sa kitchen ko para magtimpla ng kape. I grab a capsule of café veronica and put it in my Nespresso machine. I even prepared a bowl of salad and a toast bread to have for my breakfast. I think I should just invite George for lunch dahil tinatamad akong magluto.
After eating breakfast agad akong dumiretso sa walk-in closet ko para pumili ng masusuot ngayong araw and to prepare some of my essentials for a long set like this. I manage to find a comfortable khaki white pants on my closet and tight fit cropped grey long sleeves to match it. Matapos ihanda ang bag na dadalhin para mamaya ay kumuha na rin ako ng isang sports bra at sports shorts for a quick work out.
Before I even knew it, I was already preparing for the shoot. George is on my kitchen, cooking something for us to it before we go to the shooting place.
"Ah Miss Selene, si Miss Ivah tumawag kanina. Hindi mo daw siya sinasagot, she asks if she can drive you today." Medyo naiilang na tanong ni George sa akin. Alam na hindi kami ayos ni Ivah ngayon.
"No, I'm fine. I want to go home with the van later para makatulog sa byahe." Paggawa ko ng dahilan habang papaupo sa stool.
"Sige miss. Sabihan ko na lang si Miss Ivah." I saw her type something on her phone pero agad ko na iyong pinagsawalang bahala at sinimulan ng kumain.
"Nasa shoot daw si Miss Ivah later. Siya na lang daw ang maghahatid sa iyo pauwi miss. Dadalhin niya daw ung Audi niya."
"Tell her that I'm not going home with her."
"Hindi daw po iyon utos, Miss Selene."
I groan in frustration ng marinig ko iyong sinabi ni George. Damn Ivah and her stubbornness!
The whole ride towards the set ay sobrang sama ng loob ko. First, Ivah will be here and will probably keep on pestering me. At andito rin iyong for sure iyong bwisit na photographer noong nakaraan.
I just want this day to be done already! I want to lay in my king size bed, without being such in afoul mood! I hate it! Nagkaka-wrinkles ako!
When we entered the same set, agad akong binati noong head ng management team. I just smiled at her as she lead us to the changing room para masimulan ng maayusan. She told me that she will be explaining my arrangement for today dahil nga kailangan matapos ko lahat ng projected shoot ko para sa araw na ito.
I have three pairs of outfits for today. Lahat iyon ay galing sa newest line ng jeans na ilalabas ng kumpanyang ito with partnership from a famous underwear brand.
The first outfit was a bit modes compare to the other two, at least from what I perceived myself to look if I wear all three of them.
It was just a one-strap sports grey sports bra and a mom jeans in a beautiful faded grey finish. Ang buhok ko ay tinali lang sa isang ponytail, leaving some strands in the front to create a more dramatic effect to my over-all look. Hindi rin ganoon kakapal ang make-up na inilagay sa mukha dahil na rin sa fresh and bare ang concept.
When I walk out of the room ay agad akong inalalayan ni George papunta sa set ung saan ako kukuhaan. When we enter the room ay agad bumulusok pataas sa ulo ko ang inis.
On the center of the room kung saan inihahanda ang mga camera at lighting ay nakita ko iyong photographer. She is instructing something to her people bago niya tuluyang mapansin iyong head.
"Emir!" Tawag sa kanya. She immediately look my way at hindi ko napigilan ang irapan siya. When is saw her ocean blue eyes ay agad akong nappataas ng kilay.
The arrogance in her eyes faded when it found me. Agad ko siyang tinaasan ng kilay ng ma-realize niyang nakatingin ako sa kanya.
"I'm still so sorry for the sudden change of schedule, I hope I'm not bumping to your other projects."
"Oh no! Miss May! The pleasure is all mine!" Agad naman siyang tinawanan ng head at marahang himapa sa braso niya.
"By the way, Emirson. Here is Selene, I'll have you take care of her today. Selene, siya ang photog mo for the whole shoot. I bet you know her naman, she's from the last shoot - Emirso Sicilia Trigueros."
Peke naman akong ngumit sa kanilang dalawa. Nang ibalik ang tingin roon sa Emir ay agad na binawi ko ang ngiti sa mga labi ko. I glance at George na siya naming busy sa phone niya. I bet she's talking with Ivah. I just wish that she's not going to proceed here today.
I can only handle one bullshit at a time.
The head of the management and the Emir girl talk for a few more moments bago siya tuluyang bumaling sa akin. Doon ko lamang napansin ang itsura niya.
Her gray trousers hugged her waist perfectly habang ang pantaas naman ay isang white muscle tee na may malaking imprenta ng picture ng 'the 1975' na banda. Every time na gumagalaw siya ay kitang-kita ang magandang kurba ng muscles niya sa braso. Nakatali na ngayon sa isang ponytail ang makapal at wavy niyang buhok.
When our eyes met again, she was intently looking at me as if she wants to say something. Napailing na lamang ako ng muling bumalik sa akin kung gaano siya kagago noong huli kaming nagkausap.
"Emir, start na kami sa kabila ah. Iwan ka na naming dito." Before I could even digest it, umalis na iyong babaeng kasama niyang mag-set up kanina. I frown at her pero agad lang siyang nag iwas ng tingin at ipinewesto na ang camera sa tripad sa gitna.
The awkwardness fill the air when the other girl step out of the room. Tuwid lang akong nanatili sa pwesto ko at inaantay siyang utusan ako.
"Hey-"
"Selene." Parehas kaming napalingon ng marinig ko ang seryosong boses ni Ivah.
Parehas na dinaanan ng tingin ko ang mukha noong Emir at Ivah, they are now both looking at me. Parehas na may gustong sabihin sa akin.
Ivah looks so lost and in a hurry while Emir looks like she wants to deliberately express what she wants to say.
Napailing na lamang ako at napabuntong hininga. This day will be long and I knew it already by the looks from the both of them.
HIndi ba nila ma-gets na ayokong pag-usapan nag nangyari. I don't owe them an explanation on how they think of me. I don't need them to apologize to me because I can console myself.
I'm just not ready to interact with the both of them, but here I am. Probably stuck with the both of them for the next 10 hours.
Great...
"Both of you." Mariin kong bulong. Parehas ko naming nakuha ang antensyon nila.
"If you're not gonna let me work today, I swear to God. I will ditch this shoot and let you guys talk to the management on what happened. Get your shit together. I'm not here to hear you people out. If you feel bothered by what happened, that's not my fucking problem." Walang preno at puno ng awtoridad kong saad bago tuluyang naglakad sa harapan ng kamera.
Emirs piercing ocean blue eyes and Ivah's hawk eye both lingers in me as I place myself in the center. Finally ready to work. I snap my fingers to throw a signal that I'm ready.
"What are you both looking at? Let's get to work!" and both of them scramble to their places like some scarred kittens.
I stared at the both of them with power in my eyes, as if telling them that what they did, didn't shake the hell out of me. It will take more than that to hurt the fuck out of me.