A/N: I'd like to thank Brent for cancelling on our plans, because you made me pissed to the point where I needed to write angsty Drarry shit and thus this book was born.
ABOUT THIS BOOK:
Each chapter is named after a song that fits the vibe of the chapter. Find the full playlist on Spotify as 'Faking My Own Death (AO3)' by Nemo. In general, the book was named after Allison Ponthier's album 'Faking My Own Death'.
Content warnings are added to relevant chapters. In any case, this book does not include homophobia, transphobia, (sexual) assault, physical abuse between Harry and Draco, or substance abuse. All sexual interactions are consensual. I do consider one chapter about Draco's family to be a bit trigger-heavy, but it's entirely skippable with a summary of events in the next chapter.
For context: I am trans, neurodivergent, and acespec and I don't support JK's terf shit. I hope to provide some queer escapism here.
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"You worry too much
You make yourself sad
You can't change fate
But don't feel so bad
Enjoy it while you can
It's just like the weather
So quit complaining, brother...
No one lives forever!"
Grief is a funny thing. Dealing with it is shitty, terrible, and never-ending, really. It will follow you around for the rest of your life, popping back up at unexpected turns. However, what if you are grieving your own life? If you only had a few more months, weeks, or hours to live, how could you even begin to process that?
You wouldn't want to stay stuck sulking, since there is so much left of life to experience, so many things you would want to do before biting the dust. Yet, there is no time to do all of these things because the grief has you stuck in standstill. Your life would feel like a train racing to the station, with breaks hissing and overheating, unable to stop you from reaching your final destination.
Nevertheless, while you are on the train, you wouldn't feel the speed and the grinding of the gears, metal to metal. Instead, you would feel like a freezeframe, captured in a brief glimpse of what's left of your life on earth.
A wise man might say you would be grounded in what you can control, the here and now. But wouldn't that ignore that the train is still moving forward? Unstoppable like a growling beast. If you see the end station nearing, is it wise to ignore the limited time left? To keep acting as if time stands still? As if your being has no influence on the course of the train?
This is exactly the angsty shit that went through Draco's mind as he realised his time was up. Call it intuition, call it foresight, call it paranoia. He knew that Voldemort was coming for his family next. A few months ago, Draco had been tasked with the impossible: killing the beloved headmaster of his school. He had felt antsy ever since, hoping his thoughts would stop swirling and start making sense. They didn't.
Hogwarts had been a safe space for Draco all of his life. Admittedly, he was known as a bully at Hogwarts, but at least he could be free at his school. Out here, his parents couldn't burden him with their frustrations, shame, and disappointment. No, Draco could experience a normal childhood while at Hogwarts. Now, he had to risk all that and stain his happy memories with a murder.
It wasn't Dumbledore that was the problem. Draco neither loved nor hated him. He was perfectly neutral. However, that didn't make it easier to kill somebody. And Dumbledore, he wasn't just anybody. For many students, Dumbledore was a living legend, like a superhero they looked up to and aspired to be. To snuff out the innocence of his classmates by the heartbreak of losing their headmaster felt cruel. It felt as if Draco would have to personally crush their souls.
Knowing already what losing your innocence felt like in the midst of this war, Draco was weary of causing that same pain for others. There were very few people Draco's age who knew what it was like to have to grow up and take on your role as a pawn in a war you had nothing to do with. Harry Potter was one of them.
Up until this task dropping in his lap, Draco had been on the side lines of the war, staying in his own lane, being a kid. He didn't have to worry about life and death and making moral decisions. All that had mattered was his grades and reputation.
He hated how his childlike ignorance had been so rudely interrupted, ripped away from him. It started with small stuff, and then the small stuff became attending secret meetings he didn't realise the importance of yet. His mind would wonder off to fantastical fairy tales of heroes and dragons while the adults were discussing the eve of war.
Then, the secret meetings evolved into this impossible task.
Draco was sure this assignment had been designed to test him, to see where his loyalty lies, to prove his strength. The problem was: Draco didn't have the strength and his loyalty was very much limited to his family. Not to Voldemort. In all honesty, not to his father either. All Draco wanted was for his mother to be safe.
Over the Christmas break, Draco had noticed that his mother seemed to be taking precautions to ensure Draco's safety as well. He had tried to confront her about it, so they could perhaps flee together, escape to a different life. He didn't dare say the words. Just another regret to add to the long, long list.
Now all there was left was Draco and the task at hand. No help from his father or mother, as he was far from home.
Once Draco got back to Hogwarts, he had felt more and more isolated in what used to be his safe haven. His friends became increasingly childish in Draco's eyes, only caring about pulling pranks, secretly drinking alcohol, getting girls, and doing homework. Okay, maybe homework not so much. Still, Draco felt himself grow more alone, surrounded by stupid children who had no idea what the real world was like. At the same time, he was jealous, wishing he could be as blissfully ignorant as them.
Then came the night of the dinner. Draco had spent his week ruminating as usual, sulking in his own misery. One of his friends, Riley, had asked him to come along to some special dinner professor Slughorn was hosting for his best (read: favourite) students. Riley explained that they were allowed to bring a guest and hoped Draco would come along 'just for the fun of it'. To his own surprise, Draco agreed to attend.
He wore one of his more dashing suits, hoping that looking good would make him feel good, somehow. At the very least, looking good may distract people from his unhinged mental state. Not that anybody had noticed so far, since Draco was great at hiding his feelings and struggles. Not even his grades had dropped since he was tasked with the impossible. Draco would never want to disgrace his family and that included grades. Because completing a murder for the Dark Lord isn't enough to earn respect, right?
At dinner-time, Draco arrived with his friend, who playfully knocked on the door of Slughorn's office. Draco had heard her gush about this dinner for the entire day, so he knew how excited she was. Although, at the minute, she looked rather nervous, as she kept carefully brushing her dress to ensure there was no wrinkle in sight.
Slughorn opened the door and his smile faltered somewhat when he saw Draco. He tried to cover up his apparent surprise: "Oh, well, Draco, I would have invited you as well, since your grades are fabulous. However, there is only so many people I can invite- I'm sure you understand, right my boy?"
Draco smiled and turned on his charm: "Surely, I do understand. After all, I'm here now, so it worked out for the better, didn't it?"
He heard a loud scoff from inside the room. As he and Riley stepped inside, Draco realised the scoff had come from the one and only Hermione Granger. Draco had to force himself to keep his composure. He had not expected to have to deal with his enemies for tonight. More than just hiding his feelings and turning on his regular charm, he now had to navigate the minefield that was Granger.
He felt inclined to call her out, make a clever remark, but he kept it to himself. Instead, he nodded to the people in the room, saying: "Pleasure to see you all this evening." He let his eyes rest on Hermione shortly, who was staring back furiously. He brushed it off and sat down next to Riley.
After their arrival, a few more students were welcomed to the dinner.
Then, Draco's heart sank. Harry Potter entered the room.
Harry tried to sneak in quickly, excusing himself for being late, saying he got held up by Professor McGonagall in his last class of the day. His hair was somewhat messy, and his maroon tie was not perfectly placed as it ought to be. He had clearly rushed to get here. The rest of his clothes looked neat enough. He was wearing a black slim-fit suit with a pair of maroon shoes.
Slughorn urged Harry to take a seat, so the Gryffindor boy nodded and turned his attention to the company at the table. A sense of disappointment or distaste flashed Harry's eyes when they met Draco's. He averted his eyes soon thereafter.
Draco's gaze followed him across the room as he sat down next to Hermione. There, Harry whispered something to Hermione that she had to laugh about. Draco dropped his eyes to his plate, mentally sighing. This was going to be a long, excruciating night.
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Thanks for reading!
Q: Do y'all have a favourite enemies-to-lovers ship/storyline besides Drarry?
A: As may be clear from this book's description, I really, really love Catradora. (It's refreshing that for once fans weren't being ridiculed for shipping two same-sex characters and they actually ended up together and it was done so well ugh love it)