The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
Carl R. Rogers
A/N
Above is all the books for the game, this one, Mateo's story and Alexia's story.
Chapter 30
Beatrice's POV
I clutched my head, the subtle light streaming in from the windows suddenly blinding despite being barely visible. "Finally, you're awake," Sonny teased.
His voice was like nails on chalk board, scratching at the walls of my head. I let out a faint groan, closing my eyes. "Why are you so loud?"
"Because you're hungover," Klaus added.
Right. The party. Ryder. Ryder kissing another girl. Drinking. Lots and lots of drinking.
Ryder kissed another girl.
He's already moved on from me. Who could blame him? Good for him, he deserves better. But that didn't make it hurt any less.
I rolled my head to the side, staring at Klaus, who was laying beside me, Sonny draped across both of our legs. The three of us barely managed to fit on the bed, but we made it work. "How bad was it?" I whispered.
I'd never been drunk before, I'd never even drank aside from a couple sips of my dad's drinks when I was really little. I had no clue what kind of person I was when intoxicated. Was I the one that hooks up with all the guys, laughs way too much, cries too easily?
"You cried a lot," Sonny answered. "Mostly about Ryder."
Well that answers that question, the latter.
I rubbed my face. "Really?"
Klaus nodded, like he was truly traumatized by the event. I, on the other hand, did not remember a single thing. I remember trying to talk to Ryder. I remember some girl kissing him. I remember running to the bathroom to cry. I remember seeing another girl in the bathroom, also sobbing and chugging a bottle of vodka. I remember her offering it to me and I remember downing a good chunk of the bottle, then everything was a blur. I also vaguely remember there being a fight, and someone dancing but no clue who. "What happened, Beatrice?" Klaus questioned.
I didn't want to tell them, I couldn't. How was I supposed to tell them how weak I was? How could I look them in the eyes when I was such a disappointment. "Ryder kissed someone else."
Klaus's fist clenched, looking like he was about to jump out of bed and kill Ryder this instant. I took his hand, his knuckles red and slightly bruised. "What happened?" I examined his hand, one of his knuckles split clean open.
He shook his head. "Nothing major, got in a fight at school," he lied. Klaus was never a good liar but he also never lied if it wasn't to spare my feelings, so I didn't pry any further.
The nausea came over me like a wave, making my entire body ache. I squeezed my eyes shut, desperately trying to make it stop as my legs felt like they were literally about to fall off. Klaus chuckled, the sound booming in head. "Come on, let's get you an Advil, and some hangover food."
I nodded. "And sunglasses," I suggested as I looked at the small corner of light streaming in from the curtains.
Three pancakes, an omelet, and a smoothie later, and I still felt like absolute trash, mentally and physically. But Tenshi had decided she was going to come over today to discuss my breakup with Ryder, so crawling back to bed and letting myself rot was not an option.
I crawled to the door, where Tenshi had been waiting for two minutes because that's how long it took to gain the motivation to move. I swung the door open, greeted by a very angry looking Tenshi—but then again, when is she not—and a sympathetic Marley. "Hi," I groaned, the sound of my voice making my headache a hundred times worse.
"Hi," Marley smiled.
"What happened with Ryder?" Tenshi got straight to the point.
I sighed, leading them up to my bedroom so I could at least lay down. I didn't want to tell her any of it, I didn't want to give her the details. I knew what she'd say. We made it to my room, in which I fell face first onto my bed, Tenshi insisting to know what happened. Fine. "I kissed his brother, Ryder broke up with me."
Tenshi paced around the room, interrogating me like this was a crime scene. "Well did he seem upset about it? Did it look like he lost?"
It looked like I'd just torn his heart right out of his chest. "No."
"What do you mean no?" She whipped around. "He had to have lost, I mean I heard what he said. He lost."
"He didn't lose."
Tenshi wouldn't drop the subject. "Are you certain, because he could have lied?"
"I'm sure."
"But how can you know for sure?" She was so desperate for Ryder to be hurt that she didn't even bother to think about anything else.
"I just do, okay!"
"You can't possibly know for sure."
"I lost!" I practically shouted at her. "Okay? I lost. That's why Ryder couldn't have possibly lost because I beat him to it." I was in love with him, and he never wanted to see me again.
Tenshi's face went completely blank as she just stared at me. I buried my head in my pillow. "Oh sweetie," Marley whispered.
Tenshi continued her trek around my room as if thinking of some way to play this in her favor. "Does he know?"
Well, considering I kissed his brother, I'm gonna go with no. "I don't think so."
She nodded. "Good. Then he never needs to know. As far as he's concerned, he lost, he's the only one that's suffering."
He's suffering because of me, because of what I did. "I'm gonna tell him." He should at least know, so he knows that it wasn't just a game to me. I needed him to know that, even if it was just a game to him like he said.
Marley rubbed my back, voicing her silent support.
"You can't tell him!" Tenshi shot back. "He can't know."
"Why not?" Let me guess, she's afraid it'll ease his pain which she was enjoying oh so much.
"Because, you don't need him," she tried a new tactic. "You don't need him. What does he have anyway? Some good looks and an attractive voice?"
A great personality, a sense of humor, a lovely smile....must I go on? "I'm gonna tell him."
"Why must you? It's Ryder Adams. Your feelings will fade with time. He is rude and reckless and spiteful—"
I cut her off, my patience getting thinner and thinner the more she insulted him until the strand snapped clean in two. "He is not! He is anything but. He's sweet and kind and thoughtful. Maybe if you weren't too busy trying to fill a void in your life by bashing other people, you would know that."
Tenshi took a step back, Marley's hand instantly retreating from my skin in an act of solidarity to her girlfriend. "I was trying to help you," Tenshi defended.
"You were trying to help yourself. What has Ryder ever done to you?"
Her eyes lit ablaze. "You don't know anything about him! He's a murderer."
"Tenshi," Marley whispered but it did nothing to soothe Tenshi.
She meant Zinny. Ryder had mentioned her once; he said it was the reason Tenshi hates him. He didn't want to talk about it then but he said he'd tell me about one day, when he was ready. I guess that would never happen now. "Get out," I demanded.
"You can't just—"
I cut her off. "This is my house, now get out!"
Tenshi sneered, her lip curling. "Who will you have after me? You've already lost Ryder, now me and Marley. Who will you have left?"
My brothers. If I have no one else, at least I have them. They are all I need. As long as I have them, I'll be okay. "Leave. Get out of my house, Tenshi. I don't need someone who talks about me behind my back and I don't need someone who hates the world so much that they can't define a good thing when they see it."
I showed her the door. I didn't need her. Marley left alongside her, instantly trying to comfort her girlfriend, who looked about ready to cry.
I sighed, resting my back against the door. What is wrong with me?
We were supposed to go to the beach the other day, me and Ryder, we were supposed to go to the beach. He had so many places he wanted to show me, he even said he'd try to find me a sand dollar, I'd always wanted one. I miss him. I didn't want it to take twenty years for us to find each other again, I wanted to be with him now, I wanted to spend the next twenty years with him, writing my story with him.
I let out a long breath, finding my brothers in the living room. They welcomed me instantly and despite the fact that there were two other seating options in the room, the two of them made room for me on the couch, giving me the spot between them, leaving the three of us crammed into a very tiny couch, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I smiled at the movie they'd chosen, my favorite, a horror movie, but not one of the gory ones Ryder likes, one of the older ones, with the actual plot line. I missed being able to make fun of Ryder for his choice in movies.
Klaus tensed up beside me as our main character walked straight into a trap, cleverly laid out by the mysterious force trying to kill her. The television went silent, building up the suspense before our main character was suddenly grabbed by the legs, dragged off to her doom. Klaus jumped at the sudden movement on the screen, burying his head in my shoulder. I patted his head lightly. He must truly love me if he's sitting through a horror movie for me. He looks ready to throw up right about now, or wet his pants, I can't be sure. Ryder would go ballistic if he knew Klaus was afraid of horror movies.
"I need to change," I blurted out.
This got both of my brothers attention as the tv was quickly paused. "What do you mean?" Sonny questioned.
"I need to change. If I want Ryder back I need to change."
Klaus sighed. "You don't need to change for a boy."
I knew that. "No, but I need to change for me. I'm reckless and impulsive and when I'm angry, I do things that I know I'll regret. I need to change, I need to be a better person. I saw dad and I was so upset that I decided it a good idea to hurt Ryder and kiss another guy. I saw Ryder kiss someone else and decided getting drunk was my best way to cope. Tenshi made me angry and I yelled at her." I should have handled it all differently. I should have talked to Ryder instead of lashing out. I should have accepted that Ryder's moved on and tried to do the same. I should have politely told Tenshi that what she was saying about other people was not okay and that I didn't want to be her friend if she continued that way. I should have handled things better.
But where do I start? I grew up with that, I grew up learning that drinking and yelling and hurting people was how you cope with unwanted feelings. How do I change that? How do I rewire my brain to think any differently?
I didn't know what I was going to do but all I knew was that if I didn't change, I would end up just like my father. And if I wanted Ryder back, I needed to be someone that he deserved, because he deserves way better than what I've done to him, so I had to work on myself, be better, for him and myself and my brothers. I needed to learn how to cope with my feelings.
"How can we help?" Klaus questioned, Sonny nodding in support.
I smiled at the two of them before pulling them into a hug. "I don't know what I would do without you."
Our conversation was cut short by the ring of our doorbell. I stared at my brothers. "Are you expecting someone?" It couldn't possibly be Tenshi, she hates my guts by now, unless of course she's come back to kill me, which is a very likely possibility.
The two of them shook their heads, turning their attention to the doorway. I took cautious steps to the front, hesitantly opening the door, partly expecting to be decked by Tenshi the second I opened it, but it wasn't Tenshi standing on the other side but instead Alexia.
I gaped at her as she swung her arms around me. I hadn't seen her since she found out what I did to Ryder. I thought I would never see her again. I assumed she hated me. I wrapped my arms around her, not sure of who was squeezing the other tighter. "Richard, I missed you." She pulled away, cupping my face. "Don't ever do that to me again, you went awol for the last week, I thought you died. I finally decided I was just gonna have to show up if I wanted to make sure you were alive since you never answer your phone."
I'd been ignoring her messages, I was too scared they were going to be death threats or all the reason she hated me or about how horrible I'd treated her brother. I pulled her into another hug. "I missed you too, Claudia."
She grinned at the nickname. "Come on, I want to hear everything. We'll have a girl's breakup, therapy session, like you see in the movies with icecream and chocolate and cringey romance movies, or books in your case, and we'll cry the whole night. Or we can stick a picture of Ryder's face up and throw darts at it, or go to one of those rooms where you can break stuff. Tell me what you need and we'll do it, okay?"
I smiled softly. "A movie sounds great."
A/N
Hi lovies!
What did we think?
There is only like two more chapters left before the epilogues so this book is coming to an end quickly. I can't wait to start the next book.
I will be making a chapter for suggestions for my next book so be sure to keep an eye out for that.
I can't wait to finish this story but at the same time it'll break my heart for the story to finally end.
Random question of the chapter: do you remember who your first crush was? (And feel free to share stories if you'd like, I love reading them)
Lots of love,
Rachelle <3