~ ryder ~
We sat on the couch in a rough awkward silence. I looked towards Grayson but he was painfully quiet staring at the wall in front of him, his thoughts practically racing in front of us. Veronica had her legs pulled under her in a criss-cross position swirling the contents of her cup around in her hand. Nick was spread out lazily across the couch, one arm resting on the back of it — the other grasping a handle of vodka. I sat on the couch watching the party take place around us. People were slowly starting to leave as it was the late hours of night or early hours of the morning depending how you look at it, the party was wrapping up.
"So uh" Toby spoke up, his voice fragile as if he knew any wrong words would spark anger from the boys. "We're gonna head out" he motioned between himself and Heath. Heath stood bored, stoic as per usual, yet his eyes flickered back and forth at the boys almost to see if they were okay.
"Yeah man thank you for coming!" Nick was quick to put on a smile. It looked like his usual one, bright and full of life. It made me wonder how many times he's faked it in the past. He gave Toby a bro hug and Heath a nod. Grayson hopped up as well. From him, Toby got a fist bump but he paused at Heath as the heavily tattooed boy pulled him close by the shoulder.
"You got him good man. Fucker can barely breathe, I think you broke his ribs" Heath nudged him. I suppose this was Heath's weird way of making Grayson feel better. It must have worked as a small grin broke out onto his face. "Take care of your girls" he nodded towards us before pulling away and following Tobias out the door.
Grayson sat back down yet this time his leg began bouncing up and down. Nick was still standing glancing at all of us.
"So I guess that shot didn't exactly ease the tension huh?" he scratched the back of his neck trying to make light out of the situation. I chuckled softly at his idiotic nature causing Nick to send me a smile. We looked around the room as only a few people were left. One group of them was the baseball players. They seemed to get the hint as they began making their way to the door.
"See ya. Thanks for the party Nick" Cranford walked by ruffling my hair and then nodded towards Nick. Nick seemed hesitant to respond seeing as Grayson was sending Cranford a hard glare.
"Yeah man, anytime" Nick smiled. Cranford and his friends left shutting the door behind them. You could still hear their shouts and laughter from outside as it slowly got quieter and quieter the farther they walked from the house.
I looked over to Grayson who was not surprisingly rolling his eyes. "Yeah man, anytime!" Grayson mocked Nick in a high pitched voice.
"Shut up bitch" Nick picked up a pillow laying next to Veronica and flung it towards the gray eyed boy. "What else was I supposed to say!"
"Oh I don't know. How bout fuck you, you dumb pussy ass bitches who love playing with balls" Grayson growled as I erupted into laughter. I was still on a drunk high and quickly put my hand over my mouth to stifle my giggles.
My sudden fit of laughter caused Veronica to giggle lightly as well. Both of us attempted to keep low and quiet but that obviously wasn't the case. I saw Grayson look over at me and smile. He rolled his eyes again but this time it was playful and filled with fake annoyance. Nick wore a large smile as well seemingly happy that his friends were going back to normal.
Veronica yawned but tried covering it up not wanting to reveal she's tired. I watched as she stood and walked into the kitchen. Nick momentarily wore a concerned impression, justifiable considering the last time she walked off caused the eruption of our night.
After an internal debate he seemed to cave and went to follow her. He came to halt as he almost crashed into the short girl coming out of the kitchen. Veronica had a garbage bag in her hand and I watched as she started to pick up cups and bottles placing them gently in the large white bag.
Grayson laughed at the drunk girl's antics. Most people just want to party while their drunk, meanwhile our shy friend wanted to clean the house.
"No" Nick was quick to take the garbage bag out of her hand. This elicited a pout to overtake Veronica's face as she stared up at him.
"But—" she couldn't get another word out before Nick interrupted her.
"You are not cleaning the house right now little one" he poked her nose causing her to scrunch it up. "I'll take care of it in the morning babe"
The pout was still present on her face causing Nick to smile and bring her in to kiss her forehead mumbling something along the lines of 'fucking adorable'.
Grayson and I still sat on the couch in both an awkward and comfortable silence if that makes sense. I glanced over watching as he played with a ring on his finger, a nervous habit perhaps?
I stood up extending my hand out to him. "Do you want to talk?"
His look was filled with confusion and hesitation. After a moment he nodded, following my lead and grabbing my hand lightly.
"We're going to head upstairs. We'll see you guys in the morning" I spoke for Grayson and I, getting the hint he wasn't in the mood to speak much to other people.
"Yeah alright. I'm sorry the night ended the way it did" Nick half-heartedly smiled. "Thank you" he spoke to Grayson. "For taking care of her."
Veronica walked up to Grayson wrapping in a tight hug. She mumbled a 'thank you' into his chest. She then pulled away and turned to face me.
"I'm sorry for making you angry today" she frowned. She then turned to both Grayson and Nick, "I'm sorry for the whole night. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me. I ruined what was supposed to be a fun night."
"Veronica—" I started.
"It's okay, I'll handle it" Nick interrupted. "You guys go upstairs. Get some rest."
I gave him a hesitant look but he focused his attention on Veronica throwing his arm around her and ruffling her hair whispering something like 'shut up loser'.
I'm sure he would reassure her later so I finally headed towards the stairs pulling Grayson along with me. We entered the room we slept in last time. It's kind of funny how we both just assumed we'll be sleeping in the same room, in the same bed. I walked over to the full-size mirror Nick had hanging on the back of his door.
"Jesus Christ" I pulled at one of the stupid pigtails on my head, "I look fucking ridiculous."
Grayson laughed lightly sitting down on the bed. His mood still seemed to be deflated.
"I can't believe we all got into a fight looking like the cast of a corny 1980s horror film" I ran my hands over my face where the makeup was already smeared. I was finally able to get a laugh out of Grayson causing me to turn towards him and smile.
I walked over to him and tried running my fingers through his hair. He looked up at me through his long eyelashes with a questionable but amused look on his face.
"Your hair has so much fucking gel in it" I proceeded to try and get my fingers unstuck from the knotty hardness. "You sir, need a shower."
He nodded in agreement, "Yeah after tonight that'll definitely be nice."
"Great! So I can get ready for bed while you're in there" I turned in excitement to finally change into comfy clothes. I screwed my eyes shut quickly and pursed my lips together. I let out a breathy laugh.
"What." He didn't phrase it like a question as he knew I was about to say something annoying. I scratched my neck, a fake nervous look on my face.
"I might have been rushing to get ready that I forgot my clothes to sleep in" I bit my lip lightly to keep myself from smiling sheepishly. I watched as he stood up and walked over to his bag. Suddenly I felt fabric hit my face and was now hanging on my head. I snatched it off sending him a glare.
"Why did I know you were going to do that" he smiled. Did he really bring clothes for me? My cheeks reddened at the gesture but I quickly rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, yeah just go shower smelly" I motioned for him to go into the bathroom. He smiled to himself as he grabbed a change of clothes for him and walked to the door.
"I think you just wanted an excuse to wear my clothes" he whispered and shut the door quickly before I could throw a pillow at him. I shook my head in faux annoyance but something in my heart swelled at our playful banter. I tried to suppress a smile that wanted to find its way to my face.
I held his clothes a bit tighter in my hands and went into the hallway in the search for another bathroom. I grunted in frustration when I couldn't find one and resisted the urge to stomp my foot like 4 year old. Finally, I heard Nick's loud obnoxious voice meaning I could follow the sound of idiocy and just ask him.
"I totally would of knocked him out V! Fucker is so lucky he got away. I would of beat his sorry ass!" I walked to what I assumed was his room watching as he threw his hands around dramatically. Veronica sat on his bed, already in a change of what looks like male clothes, with an amused look on her— her head resting on her pulled up knees. Although I know Nick was telling the truth and really would have kicked his ass, I can't help but to think that he was being so theatrical as a way of cheering Veronica up.
"Hey tough guy!" I yelled causing Nick to turn suddenly and place a hand on his heart.
"You scared the shit out of me!" he looked alarmed. I wanted to roll my eyes and banter with him but these tights were— well tight, and I wanted to change as soon as possible.
"Where is your other bathroom? Grayson is being a bitch and taking too long." Although that was not true I couldn't give up the chance to make fun of him.
"There is one down the hall. Second to last door on your right" he pointed. I looked over at a quiet Veronica and smiled. She smiled back and I hope that was our sign to each other that we were okay. Nick watched the exchange with an annoyed expression, most likely that I was still here.
"Okay bye!" he pushed my shoulders lightly to get me out of the room and closed the door in my face.
"Nick!" I heard Veronica whisper quietly, "That was—"
"Rude" I muttered to myself making my way down the hallway.
After finally changing and ridding myself of all my makeup, I walked back to my room for the night. I went through the door as I combed my fingers through my hair happy that those stupid pigtails were finally out.
Grayson was already sitting on the bed, shirtless may I add, ruffling his hair with a towel. He looked up at me and scanned over my body.
"You look cute" he laughed. I took in my attire. His t-shirt was far too big, and the sweatpants were tied tightly at my waist and rolled up at the bottom so I wouldn't trip. It reminded me of the night I slept over his house before my fight. I couldn't risk going home and getting beat but Grayson wouldn't let me sleep in my car. That was the first time we slept in the same bed. I think we both might have had a lot more dislike for each other than we do now.
"Hello?" a pair of fingers snapped in my face and he was now standing in front of me. "Earth to Ryder?"
I figured I zoned out for a minute as I thought about our past. I pushed his hand away with a huff and went to sit on the bed. I put my back against the headboard so I was sitting up straight. Grayson lost the amusement in his body language as he now looked nervous and unsure of himself. I rolled my eyes and gestured for him to join me.
"Hey, come here" I smiled. This moment felt gentle. Something that I didn't know Grayson and I were even able to have in our vocabulary. He came over and sat down lightly. Finally he seemed to give in as I watched him lay his head in my lap. His arms went to reach around my waist and he snuggled in comfortably. It was like this was the first time he was able to release all this tension in his body for weeks.
We sat in silence for a bit as I ran my hands through his damp hair. It was making my sweatpants— His sweatpants wet but I couldn't find it in me to care. I was about to speak to break the silence but he beat me to it.
"Did you mean it?" he whispered so softly I barely heard him. My eyebrows furrowed.
"Mean what?" I was confused as to what he was referring to.
His voice was muffled as if he was embarrassed to say it. "That you don't like me and that you can't stand me."
My heart dropped slightly. I began to swell in guilt. The truth is that none of that is the truth.
"No" I said after a quiet moment. "I didn't mean it."
"Why did you say it then?" his voice remained low and I could tell he didn't want to speak about this but it was hurting him.
"I don't know Gray" my fingers ran through his hair. "I guess I'm just trying to protect myself. I don't want you to like me—" I paused not wanting to give him the wrong idea, "as a friend of course. I don't want you to care about me. I'm only going to let you down."
"You could never let me down" was his response. Yes I could. I am. I am by constantly pushing him away and denying that I have any kind of care for this boy.
"I was also jealous" I added before we could dwell on my previous statement. "That stupid dumb shit with Veronica and with Kylie. I don't know why I was jealous but I just was."
I know why I was jealous. Everyone knows why I was jealous. Hell, even Cranford knew why I was jealous. But no it's not true. I don't like him. I do not like Grayson Jones.
"Veronica is like my sister, and Kylie...God Kylie is annoying as fuck. I don't know how anyone could like her" I could practically feel him roll his eyes.
"You did at one point. You would hook up with her all the time. Remember even at the beach when you called me your girl. I told you I didn't want to be like Kylie, like one of your little playthings" I looked down but Grayson's face was still nuzzled in my lap. I couldn't see his face as his hair flopped over it. He needs a haircut. He didn't speak after that. I thought perhaps I had said something wrong but all I said was the truth.
"You weren't my girl. Not at the time. And not now" was the fucking thing he said when he finally chose to speak up. I let out a dry laugh.
"Yeah, I'm not a fucking idiot Grayson. I know that already." For some reason that statement really pissed me off. "You forgot to add in that I never will be."
It was coming from a place of anger and possibly hurt. His statement hit me right in the heart. Those few times; at the beach, when he beat up Ryan, at the gym after my fight— He had called me his girl. But now he's retracting it. I must be a fucking dumbass for thinking he meant all that.
"Yeah." Again is voice dropped low. It sounded raw and full of hurt. But what the fuck was he hurt about? He was the one who said it in the first place. "You never will be."
For some reason he didn't sound spiteful or like he was trying to start a fight with me. It was almost as if he said it like it was a fact.
"What's wrong with you Grayson?" I spit out. I heard him laugh. Finally, he lifted his head and sat up. He brought his elbows to rest on his knees that were now near his chest. With another breathy laugh he ran his fingers through his hair. The hair that I was suppose to be running my fingers through. It was almost dry now.
"You're such a spitfire" he smiled but I was in no mood to smile back. "Always saying it how it is."
My arms folded over my chest. "I say it how it is because it's the fucking truth."
"I don't know what's wrong with me Ryder." At first he avoided my eyes but then he somehow found a way to look into them. "But I know I'm fucked up."
"You're not—" I tried to interrupt but he beat me to it.
"I am. Like super fucked up. But you know what else I know? I know that I care about you, so fucking much. Even though you're not my girl. Even though you never will be my girl. I care about you Ry. And I know that scares the shit out of you because you think I'm going to leave you. And that I'm going to hurt you. I hurt you in the past, I know that. But I won't anymore. I promise. I promise I wont hurt you and I promise I won't leave you."
"Yes you will." We stared at each other for a moment. Intense eye contact that I didn't know how to handle. Blue vs. gray, who will win? Gray won. I adverted my eyes to the ties on his sweatpants.
From the corner of my eye I watched as his hand lifted up. Confused, I looked up to see him holding a single pinky out to me.
"That's so childish Grayson" I sighed. He didn't say anything. He only raised his eyebrows as if daring me to accept a challenge. Stupid Grayson.
I stared at him for a moment longer until he won as a small smile took over my face and I locked my pinky with his. He kissed his hand as if sealing it. I rolled my eyes; And I thought he was being childish before?
I bit my lip and a grin broke out on his face. I leaned in and kissed my own hand. At this point both of us were leant forward. His eyes flickered between mine. I lost again as I was the first to pull away.
Some kind of joy seemed to overtake his body as he tackled me down into the bed. I laughed as his arms encased me.
"Grayson!" I yelled playfully. I was now laying on my back and he hovered over me. He was still smiling which brought a smile onto my face. It seemed like his mood affected mine and when he was happy I was happy. When he was being a dick, I would be a dick. I wonder why his mood changes so suddenly.
One hand reached down and moved a stray lock of hair out of my face. My breath hitched and chest rose slightly. I felt my breathing begin to feel unsteady. I blinked up at him, of course having to ruin whatever moment this was.
"You ready to go to bed?" I asked quietly. Dumbass, dumbass, dumbass. Why did I have to open my stupid mouth? What would have happened if I didn't?
"Yeah sweetheart." Another smile was on his face. "Let's go to bed."
He got up to shut off the light and my body instantly felt cold. I screwed my eyes shut literally wanting to hit myself in the head. Darkness now overtook the room and it was hard to make out Grayson's figure. I felt the bed dip next to me. I wanted to look over and meet his gray eyes but the moment for that has passed.
"I care about you too Grayson" I brought him into my arms. Hopefully he wanted to cuddle, because I didn't really give him the choice. He buried his face into my neck as I felt him smile into it. Perhaps from what I just said.
"Goodnight Grayson."
"Goodnight Ryder."
And just like that we laid in bed, silence filling the room. His breath began to steady and I could tell he was falling asleep. I ran my fingers through his hair one last time before tiredness seemed to take over my body as well. Just as I felt myself falling into a deep slumber I heard him whisper something lightly.
"You're so beautiful."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As morning came so did the hangover. Surprisingly it wasn't as bad as my last endeavor here, though I'm not sure how as I remember going shot for shot with Cranford.
The memories of last night started swarming in as I laid in bed staring at the ceiling fan. It's always something with our bunch. Always drama, always fighting, always making up. I wonder how unhealthy this must look from an outsiders perspective.
Though, I couldn't find it in myself to actually care about the toxicity of my relationship with these people. All of high school, hell all of my life, I was alone. I never had anyone who willingly wanted to spend time with me. I never had anyone who seemed to care when something was so obviously bothering me. I never had anyone ask if I was okay. Now, I had three.
I wanted to continue to deny my closeness with Nick and Grayson as they were both douchebag assholes but I knew they both found some kind of soft spot deep, deep, deep in my heart. I took the opportunity to interrupt myself from my thoughts as I glanced over at Grayson. He was sleeping peacefully laying on his stomach with one arm under his pillow and the other resting on my waist. I watched as soft snores escaped his mouth.
I got out of bed instantly putting a hand to my throbbing head to try and find some comfort in easing my headache. I looked at my phone which was laying on the side table; It read 10:03 am. It was both late for a typical day but early after a night of partying.
Walking downstairs the smell of bacon instantly hit my nose. I guess Nick was awake. To my shock the house was practically spotless.
"How the fuck did you clean all this shit up? You have some maids laying around that I don't know about?" I joked causing Nick to turn around from his place by the stove and smile.
"I've always been an early riser. Plus I don't really expereince hangovers. Call it practice or perfection but I've mastered the art" he smirked cockily. I sat down at the counter and waited for this food that actually smelt heavenly. "Do you expect me to just serve you princess?"
"Yup" I smiled sweetly. "Your food is surprisingly good" I threw him a compliment as I heard footsteps descend down the stairs.
"Then it's a good thing you want to go to culinary school huh?" Veronica smiled walking up to Nick and hugged his waist from behind. My eyes widened at the affectionate and confident gesture coming from the shy girl.
I watched as Nick turned around in a flash with wide eyes and quickly placed a hand over her mouth and the other on her hip.
"Why would you tell her that?" he whined. "Now she's gonna make fun of me" he followed the statement with a pout.
"Since when did you want to go to culinary school?" I questioned confused as to when this became such an interest to him.
"For a while" he mumbled turning back to the stove obviously embarrassed. "Figured since I'm not good at anything else like school or sports, I could do the one thing I'm relatively decent at. It's stupid though. I'm not gonna actually do it."
"He keeps talking down on himself" Veronica sent me a look. "I've told him a million times how good he is and that if he really wants to pursue it he should. I mean just the other night that dinner you cooked was amazing! Who knew steak could taste that good!—"
Veronica was cut off when Nick once again placed a hand over her mouth.
"Wait a minute, you guys had dinner together? Like recently? And like at your house? And like alone?" I was in complete shock as both of them turned bright red. "No fucking way! That's literally a date!"
"No it's not!" Nick quickly argued but was cut short when Grayson came down the steps. The shirtless boy yawned stretching his arms over his head.
"What's not?" Grayson asked. The confusing question that didn't really make sense even caused Gray to furrow his eyebrows and think about it.
"C'mon Grayson man. Tell Ryder I don't do...dates" Nick shivered.
"That's true" he agreed with his best friend.
"They totally went on a date" I whispered and grinned at Grayson who was now standing next to me. He smiled back causing an unwanted warmth to spread through my stomach.
"Hmmm, so the ice cold heart is finally melting" Grayson teased Nick who in return just crossed his arms then uncrossed them and pointed a spatula at us.
"I do not like you two getting along. You're too mean to me" he frowned. We both laughed but didn't deny his statement. For some reason Grayson and I were actually getting along. I'm also glad we're teaming up on Nick now too.
Nevertheless Nick still put two plates of food in front of us while he wore a grumpy face. I could hardly say thank you before shoveling the heavenly greatness into my mouth.
"Jesus slow down" Grayson poked me. "The food's not going anywhere."
I flipped him off and sent him a sarcastic smile— Well the best I could with a mouth full of food.
"Cute" Grayson mumbled and started eating his own food. I just know my cheeks turned a light pink. Stupid Grayson.
~ grayson ~
I glanced over at the tattooed girl as she completely demolished the food in front of her. For some reason I found the action incredibly adorable. Ever since I admitted to myself that I like her, I couldn't help but to find every little thing she does so fucking cute.
Last night to say I was pissed is an understatement. That dumbass Cranford talking to my girl— scratch that, she's not my girl. The realization from our talk last night struck hard. I'm surprised she couldn't literally hear the sound of my heart breaking. Okay, okay, I'm being dramatic I know. She didn't break my heart, but I couldn't help but to feel hurt when I realized through our conversation that she really isn't my girl. She never will be my girl. And that fucking sucks.
I finished the last of my meal and made my way upstairs. As I got all my stuff together I smiled at the lack of clothes in my backpack. Honestly I would give Ryder my whole wardrobe if it meant I got to see her in my clothes all the time.
Walking back downstairs I saw that Ryder was now on her second plate of food. I laughed lightly shaking my head. I made my way over to Nick and gave him bro hug.
"Listen man, no matter how the night ended I had a good fucking time." That's a lie. "Your parties never disappoint"
"Boo you're leaving already?" Nick pouted clinging onto me. I pushed him off with a playful roll of the eyes.
"Yeah man, I gotta get home. I have some shit I need to take care of." Nick nodded in an unspoken understanding that I need to check in on my mom.
"No worries. Make sure you ice that face pretty boy" he referred to the beat up look I was sporting after my encounter with that football playing dickhead. Why are all the jocks at our school fucking assholes?
"Yeah uhhh, definitely no promises" I laughed knowing I would just let it heal naturally, any cuts on my face would probably scar. I turned towards Veronica and wrapped her in a hug.
"You okay?" I rose my eyebrows doing a quick body check although I know she wasn't harmed physically. Her body was engulfed by Nick's clothes.
"Yeah I'm okay. Thank you again Grayson" she smiled softly and gave me another light hug. I smiled and finally made my way over to the small girl who just finished devouring her second plate.
I scratched the back of my head in a nervous manner, not knowing how to approach her. Would it be weird to hug her? Or should I just go for a handshake? What the fuck did I just say?
Ryder rolled her eyes most likely seeing my obvious hesitation. She proceeded to hop up from her seat and wrap her arms around my neck. The sudden gesture took me by surprise but there were certainly no complaints coming from me. I returned the action by wrapping my own arms around her waist and burying my head into her neck.
"I'm glad we talked I guess" she took a shot at small talk making me smile against her skin.
"Yeah me too" I pulled away slightly. "I intend on keeping my pinky promise darling."
She rolled her eyes at me yet again in the matter of 1 minute but kept a small smile on her face.
"Yeah yeah whatever Gray." My heart swelled at the nickname. Fuck this girl made me soft. Well actually, she made me the opposite of soft. Only my heart felt soft. My body's response, now that was a completely different story. Fuck Grayson shut the fuck up. Idiot.
"I'll see ya" I leaned down and kissed her cheek, quickly leaving before I could see her reaction. The last thing I heard before I left was Nick's annoying voice saying something 'what the fuck was that'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got home in decent time considering I was going pretty fast. I hated having to return home after spending time with my friends. Although, at the same time I couldn't wait to see my mom.
I stopped by my room first to drop off my bag. My dad didn't seem to be home which allowed a sense of relief to wash over me. As I made my way to my mom's room I couldn't help that feeling of guilt that crawled into my stomach. Every time I leave her I feel selfish. I should be spending more time with her.
I lightly knocked on the door even though I just entered anyway. I saw her body laying amongst the sheets with her eyes closed. Her pale sickly figure was the lightest I've ever seen. My mom had always been a bit on the heavier side but as cancer consumed her brain she was losing pounds like crazy. Most likely due to her lack of appetite and depressive episodes that come and go although she pretends they don't happen. She always tries to be happy for me.
I took a seat beside her bed and shook her gently. My eyes widened slightly when she didn't wake up at the first few shakes.
"Mom," I tried on keep my voice calm. "Hey mom wake up."
She was yet to stir causing panic to rush through my body.
"Mom!" I shook her much harder wishing for nothing but to see those blue eyes.
Finally, her eyelids fluttered and the blue eyes I wished to see met mine with a confused look.
"Jesus Christ." My head feel onto her bed. My whole body slumped over. "Holy shit, you scared the fuck out of me Ma." I know I don't usually curse in front of her but I couldn't help the fear that was still coursing through me. I was trying to steady my racing heart.
"Hello?" she asked confusion still present in her voice. "What happened?"
"You weren't waking up" I sighed. "I thought— I didn't know if—"
I couldn't finish my sentence.
"I'm here" she rested her hand on my head, running her fingers through my hair. Ryder and my mom, the only two people I let touch my hair. "I don't feel very good."
My head finally raised up to look at her. Her eyes seemed glazed over and her pupils were dilated.
"Dizzy." She put her hand to her head as a means of trying to most likely regain her failing vision. Sometimes she has episodes where she can't see and eyesight goes blurry. Just another reminder that cancer is eating away at her brain.
"Drink some water Ma" I picked up the glass on her bedside table but she made no effort to reach for it. She fell back into her bed and stared at the ceiling. Her eyes just slightly moved to look at me as her eyebrows furrowed. A slight crease imprinted in her skin as her face scrunched into one of confusion.
"I—You look familiar. I just don't know your name."
My eyes widened at her words. This hasn't happed before. Months of sitting at her bedside and this has never fucking happened before.
"It's me Mom. It's Grayson." It was my turn for my eyes to glaze over except mine were filling with tears.
"You're—" she stopped herself analyzing my face. "You're my son?"
My breath got caught in my throat. Now was not the time to have a panic attack. But I couldn't help my heart racing or the urge to bawl my fucking eyes out or sweatiness that seemed to consume my hands.
"I'm your son." A tear fell from my eye. "It's Grayson. It's Gray. Your baby boy." If I wasn't so panicked I would cringe at the nickname she gave me ever since I was young. Being her only son she cherished our relationship and would always tell me that she never wanted me to grow up. She would say how she wanted me to stay so small forever that I could always fit in her arms.
"Grayson" she said but it didn't seem like she recognized me rather she was testing the name on her tongue.
"Grayson" I confirmed more tears falling onto her bed. It was starting to dampen her sheets but I couldn't care less. My mom didn't recognize me.
"Fuck mom" I couldn't help but to curse again. "It's getting worse."
She shook her head slightly.
"It's getting better" she smiled but it seemed distant. She wasn't talking to me: Grayson. She was talking to a stranger sitting at her bedside. "It's all going to get better soon."
"What does that mean?" My voice got louder. "What are you talking about?!" My voice was raising by each word.
"I'm getting closer" she smiled. "The sun I think. Maybe the moon? I'm so close to it. I can almost touch it. It's so bright, so pretty."
Tears were now streaming down my face. I couldn't help it. I didn't want to cry but I knew if I didn't I would scream instead, or maybe lash out and punch something.
"Don't cry" she turned to me and wiped my tears. "This is good. This is a good thing. I'll feel better soon."
I knew this wasn't my mom sitting in front of me. My mom, no matter how bad she was feeling, always reassured me she would be okay. She never once dared to let me know how bad it was getting.
I wanted to tell her to hold on but I know that's selfish.
"I really don't want you to die." My voice was shaky. I don't even know if she understood the words as I croaked them out.
She smiled sadly running a hand down my face. Her thumb softly caressed my cheek, wiping my tears in the process.
"How soon?" my voice was quiet now.
"I don't know sweetheart" she spoke. I hoped the term of endearment was her finding some type of recognition of me and not just to make a stranger feel better. "I haven't touched that light quite yet."
And so I sat with her, even if she didn't know who I was. I sat there until she fell asleep as I was slumped over with half my body resting on the bed. I felt myself softly drifting into sleep when my phone buzzed from my pocket.
I took it out, careful not to disturb my mom.
Nick: hey man, everything turn out okay?
Nick: you okay?
Nick: i'm here if you need anything
Ryder: Did you get home okay or????
Ryder: Glad we talked last night even if we fought a bit
Ryder: Sorry for being such a bitch about everything
Ryder: Tell your mom your girlfriend says hi ;)
I sighed and pressed the power button until the screen turned black. Hopefully, they figure my phone died or something. Right now I can't find it in myself to care for not answering anyone.
I looked at my mom and saw she was asleep again. I checked her breathing and although it choppy and uneven it was still there which made me sigh in relief. I grabbed her hand softly and laid back down on the bed, well half on the bed. I knew if I got up I would go right to my room and down a bottle of alcohol. And so, I stayed there and fell asleep, her hand in mine.
It's only a matter of time.