ah... school sucks.
those dumbasses were shooting glances at me the whole day, and only did I get away when classes ended. thank lord. I was so done with them, but I really tried to compose myself. today I should go meet Beatrix, and im thinking about telling her... about my past, once and for all.
she said that she can't help me at her fullest since she doesn't know what's bothering me. well, I only spoke about my parents a bit, but missed most of the important parts. I'm not the type to open up at all, so even if I've known her for an year, it's still not much.
I moved here around two years ago. I already knew English, and it was easy to speak it. well, living here is sure different... and I'm not sure if I enjoy it... I don't really know how to feel about this. but i don't really give a fuck at all.
on my way to beatrix, Coraline from maneskin started playing.
ah... fuck this shit... he sang me this... HE SANG ME THIS!! HE DID IT FOR ME! THIS EXACT SONG! I CANT LISTEN TO IT WITHOUT MY HEART BREAKING APART!
i felt like screaming. I was alone walking on some alley, and with my hands on my knees, I wanted to scream but my voice just cracked and I felt like crying. but I couldn't.
he said that this song represented me so well... and that he would be my castle from the song, protect me... why isn't he doing that... why didn't he do that...
the song goes...
"Coraline, as beautiful as the sun
She lost the fruit of her womb
She never knew love
But a father that isn’t father-like at all
Told her : “in the city there’s a castle with walls so strong that if you go live inside it nothing will ever hurt you again
Nothing will ever hurt you again." but in italian.
I hate this song. I hate it because it reminds me of him... and I love it because of the same reason... I have no idea how to feel about this song either... I am breaking apart slowly. I'll go to italy again this summer... I am trying so bad to just forget about what happened... but how could i forget him...
and, like that, I got to beatrix's office.
I open the door.
"the story I'm about to tell you happened almost two years ago. if you want to listen you can, if you don't then you dont have to. please choose." I say, taking a seat.
"u-um, hello, naenia... are you okay?"
"yeah, but im willing to tell you something very important and this is an unique chance, believe me."
"oh, okay... then... start..."
she opened her iPad, and I sighed. she's gonna write shit down again?
but, soon, a knocking sound can be heard. Beatrix gets up, then tells me she'll be back soon.
I look at the pillow on the couch. I take it, sinking my face in it until I couldn't breathe anymore. shit... shit... I wanna talk to him... I wanna call him right now... I wanna hold his hand... I wanna kiss his lips... I wanna sleep next to him and watch the starts at midnight together. but the only thing missing is... that he's not here anymore. who will answer my call, who will hold my hand, who will kiss my lips, who... he's not here anymore... I'm alone.
nobody. only me and my tears that can't fall... my weird feelings... my broken self... he just told me his last words on a paper... how... why...
I have many questions. and no one can answer them... I should've never spoken to him that day... I should've just minded my own business... and don't even make any friends... it would've been better... but now he's no longer here... I knew he would leave me... like everyone does... but it's not just that he left me, it's because of me... that he left... well, partially...
his mother knew about how close we are, and she told us that she's happy to see us happy... she knew about how we kissed on the rooftop, how he held my hand during winter and how we slept together at the beach, next to each other, hugging... she knew about everything. I was happy... at the time, I was happy. but, my disorder developed more at the age of 16 and i had my first outburst... on him.
I take a deep breath, then scream into the pillow. I screamed my lungs out, I don't think I've ever screamed like this in my entire life. I felt the blood rush into my head, but I didn't care. I felt like I was already dead, now trying to get back to life, back to feeling alive... on the inside, I've died together with him...
"im back na-" Beatrix heard my scream in the pillow, even if not that intense, but she put her hand over her mouth then rushed to me.
"are you okay?!"
"no... no, no, no... no... I sure am not... thats why I'm here anyway..."
i looked at my hands, then touched my own face... my eyes were watery, and a droplet of salted water made its way to my chin...
I was crying... i was crying. I haven't cried in... two years.
"... I may not have been ready, but... I think I'll have to tell someone... and I might have something to show you too..."
i can't breathe... it's so hard to do it... my voice kept trembling and my whole body trembled with it...
what the fuck is this... is this a feeling...? I've felt this before... two years ago... when he left me...
"... Beatrix... he..."
*
it was dark.
past 2am, and I couldn't sleep. I saw the stars from my window, but couldn't endure to look at them anymore, because I was so empty now and the stars now didn't mean anything for me...
I need him more than me... I need him more than anything... but why am I keeping on to him... when he let go of me...? im just a baby... just like a little child who had a favorite toy... but he wasn't a toy for me, he was my whole life... he was all i had...
I kept everyone away from me... I hated everyone. everyone had to go away... but he stayed... he stayed with me even when I said all those mean things to him and when my hand didn't brush against his cheek with delicacy, but instead it hit him.
I slap myself, sighing.
what the fuck did I do... a seventeen year old shouldn't be this depressed... I'll be eighteen in some months... what will I do then? I'll be an adult... but inside, I'm still my 14 year old self who used to hold hands with my best friend all the time...
'friend'... he was my fucking soulmate. I would've married him if he proposed to me! anytime, anywhere! just to be with him... I won't be able to forget him... and I keep telling myself that I should stop... i should stop going to italy just to see him... just to sleep along side his body...
"no... no... no... no... where is my lover... why isn't he here..."
2am.
it's still night... but... but...
I open my laptop, searching 'Flights to Italy'... I would go there right now... I don't need anything, I don't need anyone. I just want to go visit him... I miss him so much I feel like I'm dying too... slowly, i am closer to dying... i need to get to him. I need to.
*knock, knock!*
"brother... are you awake...?" I heard a small voice say, in italian.
"I am."
she was my little sister...
"can i talk to you...?"
"it's... very late, but... come..."
I am scared, I'm not ready for any advice in anything.
"I... I have this friend in my class, she is very close to me and... she said that she would keep me with her all the time so I don't have to suffer from my parents being divorced... is this something good...?"
"... suffer...? are you suffering from..."
"well, no... mom and dad are adults, they know what they're doing..."
"... what? but... does this... make you angry, maybe? or..." fuck, of course it wouldn't make her angry, it's only me... "or sad?"
"sometimes..."
"why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought we all feel the same..."
i sigh.
oh, kids these days...
"im sorry I haven't spoken to you earlier. don't worry, I'll always be here for you. okay?"
always... but just now I wanted to get tickets to a flight to Italy and leave all my problems here...
fuck, today really hit hard...
"... brother, I have a question."
I took a deep breath, then said, "what is it?"
"... well, it happened long ago but... do you remember... that guy... he was your friend and... he had blonde wavy hair that touched his shoulders and... um, I think his name was... Luca Albedo...?"
I freeze.
i can say that I skipped albedo's banner in genshin and that I didn't play the dragonspine quest just because I didn't want to hear his name again, but...
"... yeah, I remember him..."
"what... were you guys...?"
I had a pretty confused expression, what were we?
"um... what do you mean?"
"... I saw you kiss one time."
oh fuck, she saw us kiss about than two years ago?! she didn't say anything tho!
"why are you asking me now?"
"... you don't remember? this summer will be the 2nd anniversary of... his... death..."
oh yeah... it's not even summer yet... fuck, what was I even thinking...
"um, I know..."
"so... I am not trying to hurt your feelings and I swear I don't have anything bad to say to you! but I just feel like you two were so close..."
"you wanna know if he was my boyfriend?"
"... mhm."
I sigh. I didn't know either, and I would've loved to...
"i dont know... probably..."
"hehe... I'm happy to hear that. but... why didn't you find another boyfriend...?"
how could I?!
"I, um, I... I don't... it's... I've liked him a... a lot..." I didn't know if a 12 year old understood what I meant to say.
"so you cant forget him? it's okay, I'll be here for you! one day, you'll be happy again... and if not, then you'll still be with me. okay?"
she's 12! she's actually pretty mature for a 12 year old...!
i didn't know if I wanted to cry or laugh.
"thanks..."
"... how it is kissing boys for a boy? is it... different?"
"...uh, no, I don't think so...? it's... normal."
"did you hug? or have a sleepover?"
"yeah, many times."
"you've been to beach together?"
"yes, of course."
she smiled, and I did too. I was bad at this, but I will for sure answer all her questions if they're appropriate...
"I liked his hair a lot, it was so beautiful! and his name is also beautiful! when you search on the internet his name, you can see a blonde guy from a game!"
"yeah, I play that game..."
"yeah, I know! you have that character, albedo, right?"
"... no..."
"why not?! you've spent so much money on that game but don't have albedo? aghh..."
that was my plan all along. to forget 'albedo luca' and be happy. well, it hit me when I saw that albedo was the name of a character who also had blonde hair. not as wavy, but still blonde. ahhh...
"I wanna have a boyfriend too."
"you're too young."
"how old were you then?!"
"... 14... until 16..."
"you've been with him for two years?!"
"yeah..." I guess?!
"how old was he tho?"
"... the last time, he was 18..."
"two years older than you, I see..."
"yeah..."
yes, he was...
"why didn't you have a girlfriend, brother?"
"I didn't like any girl. I liked that boy. that's just about who you like..."
she nodded, then bit her lip. hah, guess she does this too.
again, I hear her voice...
"how did he die tho? I don't remember..."
a shiver ran down my spine.
it's better that you don't know... it's better if I didn't know either...
"... I don't know." I lied.
"huh? really? that's too bad..."
"you should be going to sleep, you know? it's very late."
"aren't you going to sleep too?"
... no.
I'll stay with him a bit more... at least in my mind if not next to him.
I can still see his beautiful hair in a windy day... he was so handsome. it touched his shoulders, blonde and wavy. he had freckles, I used to stare at them when i was shy. he kept saying i only like his freckles and not him, which i saw as being stupid at the time, now's... cute. I wish i could be with him one last time... have him sing me songs on the beach, alone, with a big smile on his face. he loved to sing and I loved to listen. he would hold my hand or let me sit on his lap, it would be so calming to just stay like this for some time. ahh... who the fuck would be able to make me feel like how he did... he told me that he didn't care that I can't express my emotions the same as how others do, he was so happy to just see me smile, it light his whole face up instantly. my life was so beautiful at that time, I wish i could still live it.
but now, all I wanna do is run away. I wanna run to him. i wanna be with him. I wanna die for him too.
"Moving forward isn’t for everyone
With her heart divided into two halves
It’s cold already
She is a child but she feels
Like a weight, and sooner or later she will break..." he used to sing to me, telling me that he may not feel what i do but he wanted to understand and help me. he wanted to be there for me no matter what happened. he told me he loved me, and wouldn't ever stop loving me no matter what. I hope he's still smiley wherever he is now... I don't want him to keep loving me, I just want him to be happy. like that, I'll keep on loving him myself. it's enough for me... a one-sided love is enough.
but he died loving me, I know that... he told me that. he wrote a letter for me, and then left me alone with it. the last thing he gave me... the last piece of him. I used to kiss it and even now I keep it close to me.
in that small letter he wrote me all he felt and gave me his last and most important thing... his heart. he told me that his heart didn't ever stop beating, it's beating inside me now. he told me now it's all mine...
I love him so much... I have a small necklace with his guitar's pick. I don't have his guitar, it's at his mom's place... well, now my dad is married to his mom. they got married last year... it doesn't make me happy at all... but I can't do anything about it anyway so I prefer to pretend they don't even exist.
"I'll go now... good night, brother..."
"good night..."
even if we try to hide it, it's so tragic how he just died... not even my mom, who didn't quite care about me and my friends, cant just ignore his death. she always goes to Italy with me and visits his grave...
hah... his grave. I thought I'd have my grave next to his and we would both die when we were old. now... it seems he let me deal with some things alone.
I let my body rest, with my eyes closed. I felt like dying again. I couldn't move a single muscle, I was so tired...
I was fed up.
I look at my necklace again... it was his. his hands touched this...
I kiss the pick again, then sigh. I hate this... I wanna be with him... what should I do... I just wanna be with him...
I wanna sleep. I hope I can sleep and dream about him... I hope I'll dream about walking with him on the beach, laughing together...
I wanna cry, why can't I cry? crying would help me so much. I can hardly cry... I could cry at his death tho... I don't know what i felt, I don't know what I'm feeling right now.
closing my eyes... I let myself sleep... even if not dead, I'll escape from this horrific reality...