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(drug use/ mild suicidal thoughts)
KENSINGTON, LONDON
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3RD
3:45 P.M.
JOURNAL ENTRY FROM EREN/LETTER
from august 25th
Y/N,
If you're reading this, that means I've already left for school. I hate the saying "well if you love them let them go," but I guess it applies. I can't stand knowing I wouldn't see you barely if we were together throughout college, so I have to let you go. I know this will hurt you, and I'm sorry. I know how much you hate that word. You probably won't forgive me, ever. And I'm not asking you too.
Truth be told, I already know that you'll never leave my mind. I can't stop thinking about everything that's happened with us, from the very beginning all the way to the end. Me and you have very different paths in our future, and we both know that.
I never told you how much I love you, and I regret that so badly. I never wanted to tell you I was leaving in the first place because I know you well enough to know how you would react. You would act like you're fine with it when you aren't.
I think the first time I knew that I'm in love with you was when we were on the trip to the museum during school. Remember when Levi called us all shitbags? I fell in love with you more and more each day.
Besides that, after that I knew you were the person I wanted to be with forever. I know forever is a stretch, but it's what I felt and still do. I don't know about you and how you feel about me anymore, but I like to think you're my right person,wrong time right now. Y/N, I would do anything in the world to go back, but I already accepted the spot at the school that you put my name in for. Why did you do that? That's been staying in my mind ever since I found out. You knew how much I wanted to get in there, and you knew if I got accepted I probably would take the spot.
You closed the journal and stopped reading, this was the third time you read the same entry already, and there was still more to read. You grabbed his journal off the desk and brought it back with you home and that's all you've been reading. All the pages were filled with the thoughts and feelings of Eren, all the entries had something to do with you. Dots of dried tears from Eren were on all of the pages that you had read so far. You couldn't even cry anymore, your eyes just felt dry.
You never left your room, and all the lights were off. Clothes were scattered on your floor, and empty plates of food were sitting on your vanity. The past week,you tried calling Eren nonstop but there was no answer. You even went as far as calling him from Annie's phone, still no answer. What the fuck?
If he loved you so much then why did he even leave? But the more you thought about it, the more he was right. You hated the concept of being far away from him, and you already planned on moving to Toronto. The apartment was already ready for you to move in. It would've never worked out if he was going to school in New York and you would be in Canada. You fucking felt like a your heart was ripped out by him and stepped on repeatedly.
All the memories of him were engraved in your mind, and you just wish they would leave. The first time you saw him, your first fight, the first time you have sex with him, Christmas, graduation, and everything else would not go. You wanted him back, and you would do anything, but he already made his choice. He was the only person who made you felt good, your best friend, your person. All you wanted as of now was to just be in bed with him, talking about your day even if it was boring.
You had no motivation to do anything, you even went as far as asking Connie Springer for some of the drugs he had been selling around campus. A bag of Xanax tablets were on the side of your bed. Those were the only things that didn't make you feel anything, and that was all you wanted. They made the constant thoughts of Eren go away for a while, but they always managed to come back.
You hated that you loved him, and hated that you wanted him back. It's funny, he left exactly like Jean. Without telling you, atleast he wrote something. We're you not good enough for him that he chose to leave you? Could you have done better? Was he lying about the real reason he left you? You wouldn't blame him, you were such a bitch to everyone and you messed up a lot of people's lives at school. Maybe it would just be better if you were gone. For good.
It had only been a little over a week and you were a complete disaster. Your were constantly tired and dizzy. You head was in a complete downward spiral. The only thing keeping you close to him was that fucking journal.
That was the only thing you kept that wasn't destroyed. All the polaroids were cut up in a box under your bed, the necklace was thrown away, and you made Annie put the painting away. You didn't know where it was.
You grabbed the bag and headed towards the bathroom. You've been in the same clothes for what feels like forever, you were starting to smell. The white rectangle sat in your hand and you started contemplating.
Should I take it?
Your eyes drooped and you sat against the wall., the bag still in hand. You hadn't slept in a while, the last time you got sleep was the day before you came back from Toronto. Other than that, the only rest you would get were naps that only lasted an hour. You closed you eyes and let your head drop.
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ANNIE'S POV- THIRD PERSON
Annie never bother messaging Armin, that was a shitty move on his part to not warn you. Annie still loved him, but she needed her space for a while. Armin would leave her messages, which she never responded to. You needed a friend, and she was going to be the first person in line for you. You had been there for Annie in her darkest times, and now it was her turn.
Annie never saw you come out your room, but she would leave plates of food by your door which seemed to always be gone whenever she came back to check. Atleast you were eating. You both were leaving for Toronto in a week, and Annie wasn't even sure if you could make it with the condition you were in.
Right now, Annie had not seen you at all in the past week. And she was getting worried, she really got concerned whenever Connie came around and gave Annie a box to give to you. Annie never opened it.
Annie had to check on you. She couldn't go another day knowing how much pain you were in. Annie walked to your door and knocked, no answer. You usually would always yell at her to come in. She just wanted to hear your voice again.
She cracked the door and stuck her head through, you were no where to be found. That is, until she saw the bathroom door wide open.
"Y/N?" Annie whispered, there was no answer. Annie was now beyond worried, she shuffled her way towards the bathroom to see you asleep on the floor. Annie felt a wave of relief wash over her and she could almost cry out. But when she looked closer, she saw something in your hand.
Annie bent down, your heartbeat was extremely slow. Even a stupid person would know that this wasn't good. Annie took your fingers off of what you were holding.
Her heart sank, picking up the bag of Xanax. She immediately emptied out the bag into the toilet, watching them flush down. Annie set your head onto her lap and leaned back against the wall.
This was all Eren's fault, he was the reason you were like this. She knew you would never do this to yourself, you changed. What would have happened if this kept going on and Annie didn't know? Would she walk in and find you dead on the floor?
Annie gritted her teeth and looked down at your sleeping face, grabbing your hand and holding it. She was pissed.
"I'm going to kill that motherfucker."
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Song Suggestion: K- Cigarettes After Sex
NEW YORK CITY, AMERICA
5:00 P.M.
The new dorm was quiet.
Too quiet. By now, you would be at the dorm with Eren. Everything Eren looked at the door he expected you to walk in. He didn't know why he would look, maybe it was just out of habit.
Eren didn't have a roommate, so it was just him by himself. There were boxes opened everywhere, and things scattered everywhere. Eren only unpacked his room to his liking after his parents left the dorm. His parents came over to see the new place, they were happy to know they would be seeing their son more often. Eren hardly said a word, and when he brought out the camera from the box in his room he shut down.
His parents knew it had to be something about you, they never asked though because they didn't want to make things worse. They just told him to call if he needed anybody.
Eren sat on his bed, his necklace still around his neck. The time was going by extremely slow, he wanted this day to be over with. He pictured you pissed off, probably taking everything out on someone.
He thought you probably never loved him, and that it would be awkward when you were reading his journals. Maybe that would push you away enough so you wouldn't think about him, but he didn't want that. What did he want?
He wanted for him to always be at the front of your mind, nobody else. He didn't want you to be with anyone else, but it was too late. Eren couldn't go back and change things. You probably wanted nothing to do with him.
You had plans set out for Toronto, he had plans somewhere else. He finally made it to film school, but he wasn't happy. At all. All because he screwed up, big time. He never expected to see you again, so only memories of you and you in general were the only thing he could see in his mind.
Eren would do anything in the world to change your mind about Toronto, and for you to come with him to New York. Unfortunately, you were already dead-set on where you wanted to go.
Eren couldn't see himself loving someone as much as you, he didn't know if he could love himself anymore with what he did to you. Armin told Eren how you reacted once you found out, he couldn't think straight after that. While writing those last journals to you, he couldn't think straight then either.
His mind just felt like a war zone at this point, always arguing with himself about why he did what he did.
He clutched the necklace, holding it tightly in his hand. Eren looked up to the ceiling and closed his eyes, a single tear streaming down his cheek.
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KENSINGTON, LONDON
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4TH
8:00 A.M.
Annie at your vanity, she had the chair faced towards you. She eyes flicked down to the ground beneath her. Nobody spoke a word.
"Listen- you don't need to worry about me Annie. I'm fine." There you sat, Annie finally made you shower and put on a pair of new clothes. Your hair was up, and it wasn't greasy.
"Fine? Y/N, you're literally taking drugs, you don't shower, and you haven't had a full night of rest in forever. And for what? Just because Eren left you? Y/N, I know you can get through this. I've seen you do it before." Annie's voice was harsh, like a shot through the heart.
You were ashamed of yourself. Your nail beds were bitten down completely, you kept picking at them to avoid eye contact with Annie.
"You know I'm right, listen Y/N. I'm going to get you out of this funk that you're in. Got it? You're not going to mope around waiting for him to come back. He's not coming back."
"But what if he does come back?"
"Y/N! He left you for college. College doesn't exactly take a short time. You'll be waiting for a long fucking time." She raised her voice, and it echoed off of the walls.
She continued talking, "There's plenty of guys out there that can replace him. Hell, you might find someone even better than him. We're moving out this week, you can get a new start."
Annie had a point. You could get a new start, start a path for yourself. You could finally find out who you were.
Was Eren moping around? He probably wasn't since he was the one who left. He was probably out having the time of his life right now, not giving you a second thought. The image of that made you furious, like a fire taking over your body. You bet he was probably in another girls bed right now.
"You know what, you're right Annie." Your eyes met hers and you watched as her resting face turned into a smirk.
"Good, because we still need to pack a few things. You game?"
"Yeah, I'll be there in a sec, start without me."
Annie left your room, you could hear her grab extra boxes and begin putting stuff in them. You grabbed the box of polaroids from under your bed and went to the window. You opened the box to see them all cut up into little pieces. You opened the window, and let the pieces fly out the window. They scattered in all directions.
You watched as all of those memories flew away, maybe this would make things easier to forget.
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Well..well..well. Things are not looking good for ANYONE. I wonder how things are gonna turn out...And just a heads up, the next chapter is going to be in the future.
-reece <3