Author's Note: Please be advised that this story contains stillbirth (loss of a child) and resulting emotional trauma. If that triggers any bad things for you, feel free to skip the chapter. Warm hugs to you all (because you'll need them)!
"Captain Ackerman, they both can't survive. Saving one will doom the other. I know it's difficult, but you have to make a choice."
"I don't...what are you saying?"
"I'm sorry, Captain. You're the only one who can make this call. We need your decision."
"I...I can't..."
"We're running out of time! Choose! Now!"
...
"Captain?"
"...Her. Save her. Please."
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The hospital staff had moved (f/n) to a different room, so she wouldn't have to stay in the one where her baby had died. She had lost consciousness halfway through the birth, and she still hadn't woken up, though the doctors assured Levi she would eventually. He didn't know what he should do when that time came.
What could he even say to her, after making the decision to save her life instead of their child's?
He had been sitting at her bedside for hours. Not moving. Not thinking. He felt strangely detached from his body as he stared blankly at his wife, his heart being crushed by a weight that even his superhuman strength could not bear.
Then she stirred. It started with a small groan, a fluttering of eyelashes against deathly pale cheeks. Finally, those (e/c) eyes opened halfway to look at him, as if that was all they had the strength to do. And once she registered his devastated expression, her brow furrowed.
"L-Levi," she rasped weakly. Then, "Where...is my baby?"
Levi flinched as if he had been physically slapped. For all that question stung, he may as well have been. In fact, there may as well have been a knife in his chest.
(F/n) could obviously tell that something was wrong. However, she seemed unable to accept it. "Please," she choked out. "I want...to see my baby."
Levi could only stare at her, guilt breaking his heart all over again.
Her expression turned desperate. "Where is my baby?" she whispered, tears filling her eyes. "Where is my baby, Levi?"
When he didn't answer, she repeated that same question over, and over, until she was screaming it.
"Where is my baby?"
She must have been loud enough for people in the hallway to hear, because doctors and nurses rushed into the room. As frail as (f/n)'s body was, it still took three of them to hold her down while they sedated her. The entire time, his wife kept kicking, and screaming, and sobbing – repeating that same, wretched question.
Levi couldn't bear to watch. If his choice had caused her this much pain, how could it have been right? Yet, even now, he couldn't imagine choosing the opposite, because he couldn't imagine his life without her. And so, he was at an impasse, unable to process, to reconcile – let alone even think about the fact that he had also lost his child today.
Regardless of right or wrong, one thing was certain: it was all his fault. And even though he had chosen to keep (f/n) in his life, it didn't matter. He would lose her anyway, because she would hate him for this, and she had every right to. He may as well have killed her child with his own hands.
Still feeling strangely detached from his body, Levi quietly left the room.
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You awoke feeling absolutely drained.
You stared blankly at the window, not really seeing what was on the other side. In fact, you felt strangely detached from all your senses, from your body. There was only an overwhelming sense of emptiness.
As much as you wished that this was all just a bad dream, you knew in your bones that it was real. Your baby was gone. Dead, before you even had a chance to hold it.
You couldn't remember much from the failed birth. Just blinding pain, splitting you open, tearing you apart from the inside out. There was also the sound of the doctors' raised voices speaking urgently to one another, though you couldn't process the words they were saying.
In fact, there was only one voice you had been able to understand, one voice your mind had locked onto, probably because it was so familiar. It had been with you for many years – shouting orders on a battlefield, speaking comforting words when you needed them, stuttering half-formed sentences that were swallowed with a kiss, whispering breathlessly during your most intimate moments, laughing and crying with you, waking you up and lulling you to sleep, always conveying the deepest love. But in the birthing room, that voice had sounded broken beyond imagining.
"...Her. Save her. Please."
By now, you had put two and two together. You knew something had gone horribly wrong, and Levi had chosen to prioritize your life above your child's. You also knew he likely blamed himself, especially when you recalled the devastated look on his face while you had been screaming hysterically.
It took you a minute to find your voice. "Nurse," you whispered to the woman who had been quietly monitoring you ever since you woke up, "would you please find my husband for me? I'm worried about him."
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By the time Levi entered your room, night had fallen outside your window.
You didn't have any strength or joy left to smile at him, but you managed to scoot yourself over, requesting that he get into bed with you. The look on his face made it clear that he still hated himself, still didn't think he deserved to be by your side. However, he also loved you too much to deny you anything.
He slid under the blankets, the smallness of the bed making it necessary for his body to press against yours. Even now, the familiarity of that gentle warmth and those solid muscles brought you comfort, if only a little. And those gorgeous grey-blue eyes met your own with so much remorse that it would have broken your heart – were your heart not shattered already.
A tiny part of you did hate him – the part made up of maternal instincts that would have gladly sacrificed your own life for your baby's. However, you quickly squashed that impulse. You knew this was hard on him too, and you felt terrible that he had to keep making these impossible choices in his life, especially since this was the second time he'd had to choose the death of someone important to him. First Erwin, and now his child.
Mustering all the strength in your ravaged body, you lifted your hand and placed it on his cheek.
At that tender contact, something snapped within Levi. Tears filled his eyes, and a second later, a broken, keening sound ripped its way out of his throat. "I'm sorry," he rasped, so devastated that even his unfailingly stoic mask shattered under the weight. "I w-wanted our baby. I loved him, even though I hadn't met him yet. But...I loved you too, and I couldn't...I couldn't lose you, after everything...I couldn't take it. And I didn't think I could...raise him...without you. I didn't know how. But still...I'm just...I'm sorry."
"Shh," you cooed, nudging your face closer to his, resting your foreheads together. You knew this decision had ripped him apart, knew he needed the solidarity now more than ever.
"I am upset," you explained. Your voice was still scratchy and weak, but even so, he needed to hear this, and you needed to say it. "I'm...God, there aren't even words for how awful I feel right now. And if the decision had been mine, I would have gladly given my life for our baby's. Because to me, our baby was someone I already knew, someone I felt growing and moving inside me every day – already having a personality and a will to live. I..."
You felt your throat tighten, felt tears well in your eyes, as the emptiness gave way to unending sorrow. "I loved our child...so much," you croaked. "But...I still understand. I understand how you feel, and why you did what you did. It's impossible to choose between two people you love, and it's not fair that you were forced to make that choice. I don't blame you. I'm angry, and I'm m-miserable, and I feel like I'm being ripped apart from the inside out, but...it's not because of you. I don't want you to feel like you did something wrong. I just w-want...I want you to stay with me. I want us to face this t-together."
By the time you finished speaking, tears were streaming down both yours and Levi's cheeks.
"(F/n)," he choked out, your name holding all the feelings that words couldn't convey.
You finally managed to give him a comforting smile – freed by the vocalization of your shared pain. It was small, and trembling, and you felt like your lips would morph into miserable wails at any moment. But still, you did it.
"S-sometimes, bad things happen, love," you quavered, barely able to form the words. "But that doesn't make them your f-fault. It's just chance. And you did...the b-best you could."
Levi's bottom lip quivered. Your words were clearly a lot for him to take in, to accept. But ultimately, he gave you a tight nod.
Your smile grew just a little, glad that you had convinced him of the truth. However, you weren't finished yet. There was something else you needed to ask – something that, objectively, didn't matter now. Still, it had been nagging at you ever since he first spoke, ever since he used a certain pronoun...
"So...our baby was a boy?" you whispered.
Levi's breath caught. "Yeah," he replied, barely holding himself together. "He was."
"Oh," you gasped. And for some reason, you were still trying so hard to smile.
Many things happened at once, then. Levi's arms went around you, desperate but still careful, and you hugged him back with all the strength in your devastated body, clutching him for dear life. Your silent tears turned to pained sobs, then agonized wails – yours muffled by his shirt, his by your hair. You fell apart in each other's embrace, your lover's grip being your only lifeline as you drowned in a sea of unfathomable grief.
You lost track of how long you two held each other, mourning the loss of your child. Yet, that wasn't all you had lost. Levi knew, because the doctors had told him. And even though no one had shared it with you yet, you also knew, because you understood your own body better than anyone. It had been so ravaged by this incident that your womb could no longer carry a baby. You couldn't even try again.
So you grieved for all the children and futures and family you would never have.
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You and Levi were depressed and reclusive for a long time after that. You stayed inside the boundary of your secluded home, eating the food from your garden, getting money from your military pensions, only venturing into town when there was no other choice. However, you had each other, and that carried you through.
When your grief finally became bearable, you both slowly started to live your lives again. It had now been almost a year since you lost your baby, and you had grown comfortable going into town for a few hours at a time – together, always together. You needed each other's support in case things got bad all of a sudden.
This morning, the weather was sunny and a little crisp, so you pressed a bit closer than usual to Levi as the two of you strolled through town, arm in arm. You had a shopping bag looped around your shoulder, filled with food and tea leaves from the market. And even though you had no particular reason for it, you felt content while walking the lively streets with your husband at your side.
"Hey, (f/n)! Levi!"
You stopped, slightly surprised as Jean approached you with three little ones in tow – the youngest being carried in his arms, still too small to walk. You hadn't seen him or any of your comrades since before you lost the baby, though all of them had sent you food and flowers and offers to help with whatever you needed. Thus, it took you a moment to remember how to speak to a friend who wasn't Levi.
"It's been a while," Jean chimed when he reached you. "(F/n), you're looking lovely as ever."
"Tch," Levi scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Even after you're married, you still flirt with my wife? You must have a double death wish, Kirstein."
"Hey now, I'm only being polite," Jean chuckled sheepishly. "But in all seriousness, please don't tell my wife. She'd kill me, even if it was just a joke."
"Is she here?" you asked, glancing around the street for any sign of her familiar face.
"She's in the china store," Jean explained. "But the kids were a little too...energetic, so I offered to stay out here with them."
As if on cue, the oldest tugged on Jean's pant leg. "Dad, I want to go to the candy store."
Jean winced. "Uh...your mom already said no, kid. And I don't want to get on her bad side."
"Wow, is that Nadya?" you gasped, smiling down at the child in order to save Jean from her pouting. "You've gotten so big!"
Nadya beamed proudly. "Yeah! I'm four years old now!"
"Is that so?" you murmured, making sure to sound impressed. "A few more years, and you'll be all grown up."
She nodded happily.
You opened your mouth to say something else to her, but you stopped when you caught Levi's expression out of the corner of your eye. It would have been imperceptible to anyone else, but being his wife, you could see beyond the stoic mask, to the hints of emotion underneath. And there was...longing. Sadness. The returned wish for children of his own – a wish that had never really gone away, but was buried by grief.
Sensing the sudden shift in mood, Jean gracefully made his exit. "Well, I'd better let you guys be on your way," he chimed, pretending that nothing was amiss, for yours and Levi's sakes. "Say goodbye to Levi and (f/n), everyone."
With a chorus of goodbyes from the children, Jean and his family strolled away.
You and Levi began walking in the direction of home. However, for you, the silence was no longer light and companionable, but heavy. After seeing how badly Levi wanted children, you felt terrible that you hadn't been able to give him even one, that this man who deserved the love and happiness of a family more than anyone else would never have it. And it was entirely your fault.
When you two arrived at your familiar cottage, Levi held the waist-high wooden gate open for you. You walked inside the fence, keeping your eyes on the stone path below, too ashamed to look at your husband. You went straight into the kitchen and set your grocery bag on the counter, tears beginning to blur your vision.
However, before you could start putting things away, Levi gently grabbed your arm, turning you to face him. His hand cupped your cheek, tilting it up, until your tear-filled eyes met his concerned gaze. "What's wrong, (f/n)?" he asked. "You've been upset ever since we talked to Jean."
You tried to turn your face away, unable to bear his kindness when you had caused him such pain, squeezing your eyes shut as tears spilled down your cheeks. A soft, broken sob escaped your clenched teeth. "I'm sorry," you croaked. "My body wasn't strong enough to give you children. It's my fault we can't have a f-family."
"Hey, shh...shh..." Levi cooed, hushing you gently as he pulled you close, tucking your face into his shoulder. And even though you felt like you didn't deserve his comfort, you let him guide you anyway, because you needed that hug desperately.
"What happened wasn't your fault," he assured you, slowly petting your hair in a soothing motion. "No one could ever say your body wasn't strong enough. You were a soldier who fought monsters and saved countless lives. You've always been so, so strong, (f/n). You still are. But it's like you told me that night, remember? Sometimes, bad things just happen by chance, and it's not anyone's fault."
You sobbed forcefully into his shoulder, feeling the wound from that day reopen once again. Levi may have been right, but even so, you couldn't help feeling like you were to blame, like you had failed somehow. Yet, even as you fell apart, your husband held you together, crooning wordless sounds and bestowing gentle touches that acted as a balm to your shredded heart.
"We've both had more than our fair share of bad things in life," he murmured into your hair. "But I'm just grateful I still have you. As long as you're with me, I can get by, because you being here means I have a loving family, and that's enough."
You hiccupped, so deeply touched by his words that you were left in shock. Your tears paused as your eyes went wide, staring at the white fabric of his shirt. But a second later, you were squeezing them shut again as you hissed a quiet cry. And then you were nuzzling into his neck, unable to find your voice, but wanting to convey that you would always stay with him.
Levi understood, and he accepted the contact by holding you a little tighter. He didn't speak again for several minutes, instead taking time to cherish your comforting presence in his arms, to cherish the knowledge that he would never have to be alone again. Meanwhile, you let yourself sink into his secure muscles and familiar scent until they felt like a perfect cocoon around you, sheltering you from the world while you cried.
When your sobs finally subsided, Levi reminded you quietly, "You know, even if we can't make a child ourselves, we can still adopt one. I mean, if that's...something we still want. There are plenty of kids who need a home."
You sniffled a bit, then asked faintly into his shoulder, "Would you be satisfied with that? If the child wasn't...your own?"
Levi gently tilted you to face him, so he could look you in the eyes when he answered. "Whether they had my genes or not, they'd still be my kid," he stated honestly, "and I'd feel exactly the same way about them. You don't need to share blood with someone in order for them to be your family. Just look at you and me."
Despite feeling emotionally drained – or maybe because of it – you couldn't help giggling a little. "We'd be in big trouble if we were blood relatives."
"That we would," he concurred, tapping your nose affectionately.
You giggled again before nestling back into his shoulder, sighing at the comfort you found there. "I think...it could be an option someday," you mused. "Once we're...you know...better. Emotionally speaking."
Levi hummed in agreement, then pressed a loving kiss to your head. "When we're ready," he murmured.
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Eventually, the wounds in your hearts did heal – not completely, because that kind of pain would never truly go away – but enough. You and Levi arrived in a stable place, knowing that you weren't making this decision out of grief for a lost child, or out of a desire to replace that child. Instead, you both were ready and wanting to take this step together, to move forward into the future.
And when the time came, you and your husband held hands as you walked into the adoption office.