Sick
I wiped my tears and pulled out the medium- size luggage na dala ko pa galing Italy. Dahan- dahan akong nagtitiklop when I received a phone call from Lucas.
I stood up from the bed and walked over to the window. I looked down and stared at the broad- gauge of the street.
The minute my eyes moved to the left where I and Third normally do quick groceries on what they call Quick Stop itself, I blinked. I saw myself pushing the door, giving way to Third who has a bunch of paper bags on between his arms and chest.
I faced the opposite direction and saw a cluster of troops beside the road who are laughing merrily— to the point of sensing I could already hear the echo of their giggles. I suddenly remember a kind of laugh similar to that.
I closed my eyes and think for a second. Pagkamulat ko ay agad na sinalubong ako ng mga baniyagang mata. I smiled at Third and pout my lips.
"What does that mean?"
I pout again. To make it work and readable, I encompassed my fingers and act as if I were about to bend my knees while doing soft and pleading eyes, still pouting.
He furrowed his forehead. He opened his lip, thinking of saying the right thing. "The game's over?"
He sighed. "Got it. You really can't skip a bath for three days. Consider me now... defeated."
"Hindi! This is my entry! This is the clue! Guess it!"
I've never acknowledged charades until I've known it's really one of the epic fun things to play with Third.
"We agreed... No Filipino songs. It's not fair for me."
I shook my head and laughed a bit. "I can do three days without wetting my hair. It's you whom I'm worried about! You have work."
I don't understand our game... but the one who'll be getting the small points and poor guess ought to skip bath for three days, as a punishment for losing the game. Dry shampoo nga okay na ako, kaya 'di ko maisip na papayag si Third na ganito lang ang summing- up.
"I'm born to win but I'm giving the chances all for you. This isn't a Filipino song..." saad ko.
Inulit ko ulit ang ginawa ko kanina. He arched a brow and eyed me. Lalo pa akong nag- pout and I can already see his amusement on the blend of his face.
"There was a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his name, O. B- I -N- G- O. And Bingo was his name-"
"Bakit ka kumakanta?" pinutol ko siya.
"That's my guess." He smirked. "B- I-N-G-O. Bingo," he cheekily laughed.
I laughed. "Why? Mukha ba talagang dog?"
He laughed mercilessly. "You made it worse. Just puppy..."
Gumawi ang tingin ko sa taas. I took a sight of the clear sky.
"Isang bark naman diyan..."
Binalik ko ang mata sa kaniya para umirap. "Another clue..."
"Woof," he answered instead.
I couldn't contain my laugh. "You really wanna do that, huh?"
Sa huli, talagang hindi niya nahulaan. "Sorry..." saad ko.
"Sorry?"
"I'm pouting and that's what people do when they feel sorry!"
"But you showed more on pleading. How on hell I'd take the clue on that. Daya..."
I giggled. "Move on ka na kasi. Ikaw naman..." I pushed him para tumuloy na kami sa paglalakad pabalik sa hotel. We're about to go on several more blocks to make it.
Instead of walking, he ran. When he gazes at me from the other side of the road, I stopped pagkadaan ng bus ng ice cream parlor. Iniwan niya ako!
"Hey!"
He smiled at me. He brought his hand to the sight of his eyebrow, bringing his hand forward to my direction. Like doing a salute from far away.
"What is..."
Everything was in slow motion.
The way his wavy hairy bounced after some blow of the air
The blink of his foreign eyes
The smile that tugged his lips upwards...
My eyes widened.
I know!
"See you again!" I shouted.
We're a distance away in between a pedestrian lane but when he freezes where he's standing... I know he's heard me!
Humagalpak ako ng tawa. "By Whiz Khalifa!" I shouted.
I love my brain! I am so smart!
Tumatawa ako habang tumatakbo papunta sa direction niya. The street light just turned green.
Pumitik sa akin ang reyalidad nang tumunog ulit ang cellphone sa pangalawang beses. Sinagot ko ang call ni Lucas.
"Umaga ang dating d'yan ni Ram. Ayos na ba ang mga gamit mo?"
I pressed hold for some time while sniffing. I smiled while tracing some random shape of the sun from the moisture on the window.
"I'm packing..."
I turned around away from the enchanting sight in front and went back on top of the bed to run on my business earlier. I rubbed the fabric of the dress I'm currently folding when tears voluntarily fell on top of it.
"Ah..."
To all interrogatives I've kept on thinking, hindi ko na mapangalanan kung saan galing ang mga luha kong ito.
I am in deep sorrow, sadness, shame, guilt, and repentance. To just about everything I've considered, how have I done that? How.. I could drown myself in the oblivion of missing him so much from our memories. How dare me. To long for an intense connection when I got to easily hold, see, and talk to Third right in my direct ray of sight.
Bilang lumaking sensitive, modest... and demure, I sincerely couldn't make sense of composing myself to not react this way. I was embarrassed. I was disappointed in myself. I prayed over and over to God that night. I wanted to have peace. I wanted my conscience clean because I couldn't accept how I crashed my valued principles. I stumbled into motherhood at an early stage. I dishonored my promise to Lucas. I know... I did it wrong. I reacted wrong.
At kahit ilang beses na affirmation ang sabihin ko sa sarili ko na si Third naman 'yon, the one I am with, the one I had it with to calm myself.. it shouldn't be an exception. Mali ang ginawa ko. My grief- stricken heart for Third that had just revived again after reuniting with him is not an exception.
I get it. I was weak and easily lost because I valued the love we had. He's my first love... where I learned how to be giddy for the very first time, feel passionate feelings, dream harder, get hurt, and stand up carrying myself stronger. Our love, then... it was peaceful. It was something I repeatedly go back to before I learned to love Lucas, and found the peace I could actually get for a new light of beginning.
I always knew Third and I have unfinished business but I'd assure him before the break-up that there's no necessity to live life on waiting. Ang paghihintay na wala namang kasiguraduhan. It's a sight that it must've been already done for both of us. Only.. we cheat.
I can't believe after those far years of being sensitive in sexual ventures... I ended up cheating on my fiance. With my ex. My first love... my first heartbreak. It's a sin I will carry all over again if I don't finish this right.
There's no chance a part of me wanting to put Third at fault. I know he's wrong too pero gusto kong isisi sa akin ang lahat. Mas naging malambot ako ngayon sa kaniya dahil alam kong sa aming dalawa, kung sobra akong nasasaktan, pangmatagalan ang sa kaniya.
I know he started it, and what he initiated was wrong. But I manifested the motive. The reason why we both committed it.
Ang gusto ko lang.. makita siya. I want to see him and say sorry. I don't know how I would clear myself. How we would exchange our sides of reasons and explanations. But what I truly want right now is to see him. I badly want to see him. I'm losing time.
"I'll still check my left-behind laundries. Maaga pa naman rito... I'll get it done before bed hour."
Lucas didn't talk much at nagpaalam na rin pagkaraan. He's just made sure to inform me of the things and important papers I shouldn't forget upon leading the way to the airport. His acquaintances will meet me there.
"Be safe..." iyon lang ang huli niyang sinabi before putting down the phone.
I wasn't born to be ready. Some were, but not me, apparently.
Tahimik akong nakasunod kay Ram na karga ang luggage ko. Sa tabi nya ay si Gio na dala naman ang handbag ko. I do not fan this superstar thing pero hinayaan ko na silang dalawa. Or it was just I'm too tired to even care of what's happening and what will come off on this journey way to the airport. Parang nawalan ako ng pakialam sa mundo.
I stopped the two and told them I need some time in the powder room. We passed on the seating area and informed me they'll wait for me there. And that I should be quick because they have estimated and marked the time to fly. I nodded silently.
"You sure you're fine alone? We should accompany you, Avi." huling try ni Gio para samahan ako.
I looked at Ram who was waiting for me also to say I'll agree with them. "I'm fine," I assured them before turning my back.
I woke up around 4 am earlier and my head is hard pulsating from sleeplessness. My insomnia provoked last night that I couldn't help but think too much.
Huling kita ko pa kay Third ay kung paano nangyari ang hindi dapat nangyari. I've been calling him untold times and he has never cared to pick the phone up, or even had the mind to clear a damn thing by sending me at least one text message. I don't care if it would be ridiculously brief. He could give me that but he didn't. I am so hopeless to hear about him.
Why is he like that... Gano'n nalang ba? Ayos lang ba sa kaniya na umalis na ako nang basta? Hindi ba siya nag-aalala?
The only last thing he said to me was sorry and that he should go home after what happened. Bakit kahit text... 'di man lang niya ako pinaunlakan. Hindi ba siya nanghihinayang sa oras na sinayang naming dalawa? Paalis na ako...
I looked down from the lengthened mirror of the powder room after a time of using the sink to wash my hands. I dried it and opened my phone.
Bakit hanggang ngayon wala pa rin.
At.. naghihintay pa rin ako.
For the nth time, I check my sent messages to Mama. The last one is my mail which has the same composition of messages. Alam kong dapat dito... nabasa niya na.
From: avianneheartzinbergh@gmail.com
To: yelenemucililianne@ny.avia.com
Subject: I'm leaving
Ma, I have a confession to say. And I want to talk this over when I see you in person. I just badly need to ask you about Third. He hasnt answer all of my reachings. We did something bad and I need to talk to him before I leave. Im off to the things I questioned about, Ma. And Im hating myself for thinking that. All these would only end if I could say my proper farewell to Third. You know how much I love and care for him.
___________________________________________________________________________
I'm at the airport now.
Forwarded.
This upsets me. I'm worried now Mama wasn't able to return back my recurrent emails. I know she has Grace but this account is only for her eyes and fingers to manage. Why is she not responding too...
I blink the moistened tear under my eyes. I looked at myself straight in the mirror.
"It's okay... It's fine. Everything will fall into the right places, Avi." I whispered to myself.
Hindi pa ako tapos. Kung aalis ako ngayon at hindi pa 'rin ako nakakarinig ng kahit anong response at ingay galing kay Third... I could always come back. Babalik ako.
Hindi na ulit ako para itapon ang susunod na taon. Nadala na kaming pareho. I will come back and talk to him things the right way.
Ang daming naaksayang panahon noon para tapusin nang maayos ang lahat. Third and I may have a serious break-up but not the feelings to be at ease. It pushed both of us to play searching for the right place of peace after crossing paths again. Hindi na dapat maulit pa iyon. We are not aging backward. There was no sunrise on cloudy mornings. There is no sunset on stormy nights. Time is constantly running.
For now, I need to fulfill my missing promises to Lucas. Just about time for me to enact my love for the man who saved me in the lost years.
In the same way as that...
Tumigil na naman ang mundo ko.
Tumigil na naman ang paninindigan ko.
I put Lucas aside again. I put everything aside again.
I lost to it again.
I lost to him again.
From Phoenix Sky Harbor, sakay ako ngayon ng eroplano. Definitely not routing way home to the Philippines, but to New York.
Mula sa pagyuko, itinaas ko ang parehong kamay para takpan ang bibig. I heartbreakingly wept. I sobbed and feel my high- flown tears. Bakit... Sobra- sobra na...
I can't...
It's too much.
Everything I heard and red was too much...
"This way, Ma'am." Mama's bodyguard straightly guided me when we landed in AVIA.
Gamit ang isang luxury car, sinundo ako ng isa pang personal driver ni Mama rito sa runway. They were already waiting for me and everything was in a hurry.
I was a bit shocked for a moment when Dark came out of the car from the passenger seat and open the back door for me. I feel his intense gaze watching me not stopping to cry, but forcing himself not to talk and ask. I know... Everything is so sensitive.
He just offered me some tissue but I refused and use instead what's already in my hand for the last hour... my handkerchief. But when the dry parts of the fabric were also too spent from my cries, inabot ko na rin ang tissue pagkaraan.
Sanay ako na nagsasabi ng thank you palagi, but right now, I really can't speak. Everything seems surreal but I know it's dark for me. The storm is hitting my heart. It only does not bleed but it surges my flesh.
Never once in my life.. have I cried for a sick person. I cried for Mia, my father... to Mom... At, sa paulit- ulit... kay Third.
And now... I'm crying again for him. I'm crying because he's sick.
I'm crying because he suffers it for most of his life...
I'm crying because all along I didn't know these...
I'm crying because he never told me...
During those loving years we've been together... he has never shared me his pain. His ill.
Ang sakit lang para sa 'kin. Ako... I never think twice if it means sharing him thing that bothers me... The reason upsets me... The grounds of my tears... Because that's where I get comfort. That's when I feel okay when I let it out to him.
Sanay ako na nariyan siya para damayan ako tuwing may problema. Cheer my hopes up after a bad day, kiss and talk to me sweetly when I doubt, play with me when I'm bored, remain patient when I'm being childish, eat with me the foods I love whenever I want to, even if he doesn't want to. And especially, fondle my cheeks if he seen tears has fallen from my eyes...
Especially... hug me from the back if I'm feeling so tired...
Tears drastically fell more.
Especially... get me medicine if I have a fever.
Why he didn't choose to...
Why he suffers it himself kung narito naman ako. Why keep it a secret if a relationship means sharing happiness and pain with your partner?
Why didn't talk about it to me at all before...
I can do all in front of him. I smile when I'm happy. I cry in his sight when I'm down. I grumble in his embrace when I'm not feeling well. Bakit siya hindi niya kaya...
I get it he doesn't want to extend the burden. I get he doesn't want to worry me. But it stabs me over and over again he didn't give any chance to rely on me. To trust me.
If we're soon off to marriage, he should've put his mind how to value the vow. Let's say na natuloy nga ang dapat na kasal namin noon.
When 'in sickness and in health' would fly from his mouth, would he mean it? Would he take on a position to fulfill the promise?
Can he ever spill it? Kung sa tagal ng nagdaan hindi niya nagawa...
If he carried it for a long time without telling me, it means he can keep it for the rest of his life.
What happened then to 'til death do us part'?
Paano kung natuloy ang kasal... paano na nga. Will I ever be able to handle another sense of pain?
I can never think of that. I doubt I can.
"Glioblastoma."
I clenched my toes and looked at the white wall of the hospital. Nakaupo kami ngayon sa exclusive bench area. There were no other walking people here aside from the Vilienthal guards observing at the side. We're here waiting for Third to transfer into his room.
"Grade four brain tumor," Mama continued.
Naramdaman ko siyang sumandal sa tabi ko habang pinagmamasdan ako.
"He was diagnosed when he was four years old. He turned five, it was the start of earnest. That time... the doctor already conditioned the remaining years Third will bear up with. I admit that I got scared... And even though I was telling myself and my husband it's no way gonna happen, it still alarms me. It was already a dread to me to lose another child."
I hardly swallowed all the lumps in my throat as I continue to restrain my heavy sobs.
She chuckled a small time. "Don't ever plan saying it, but my son is right. He says I'm such an overachiever to pilot the next step of his day he's yet to think at night. I always want him to excel at his young age the reason why I would at times enroll him in all of the accepting workshops in the industry. Because at the back of our meaningful days... what the doctor has confessed to us weighs the feelings to be not fully cozy. All of us in the family were restless."
She breakingly smiled.
"I prayed and cried to God when the day came the doctor has taught us but results to nothing. Third looks so healthy, active, and does not have that bullshit of an ill at all."
Napalingon ako kay Mama. I heard her whispering some sorry to God while her eyes are closed, her forehead was furrowed.
"That's what we got from his friends and we thought he was really doing fine. But after a year, his grade leveled. From two... become four. That's been the cycled scenario of his teenage days. Cancer would step back and then will surprise us the next month again. Third was so tired of the continual therapy I can do nothing but to do not permit and gratify his plead stopping it. I can't because it's his key way to survive. Every time he goes out of the room with that exhausted look... paled face and dried lips... I became more sensitive as a mother. I wanted to protect and take care of my son all the best way I could hand."
Tears once again fall one by one. There was a video Mama made me watch earlier. It was a thirteen-year-old Third, singing while crying that the thing moving on his body is hurting him. There were many compiled films of him up to when he was already seventeen years old, looking so grumpy, bored... and numb, while Mama's cheerful voice in the background plays. I remembered all of it now that Mama continue to shed my awareness in their story way back ages ago.
"I'm looking up to you, Ma... You were never strict to Third on protecting him... not restraining him, and charging him to control his decisions that might danger how fragile he is just like what I could imagine thousands of mothers would do. You were just so sweet and supportive of him. You made him taste how free a person could be... but with limitations."
Nagulat ako nang biglang nag- iba ang mood ni Mama. I know we're both not okay with what's happening, only that she seems calmer than me while talking earlier. But now... she looks on the verge of breaking down. She apologetically looked at me.
She shook her head. "I failed one time..." iyak niya.
I parted my lips.
"Remember the day you two broke up? At his condo?"
My heart fastened.
"He had a seizure that morning. The split up once again disturbed his brain."
It was as if I was being severely punished in hell for thinking that he was alone at the time.
Pero iniwan ko... even he was dying to plead.
"He doesn't want to lose you. It's not over for him."
I thought about his last line...
"As you wish."
"He's switching takes between this cold, sharp, and caring person I continuously notice whenever his brain is triggered."
Napahilamos ako ng mukha. My nose is too numb from crying and I can merely take sight of my surroundings with my sore eyes.
"I have a person who regularly visits his place so I could always assure he's safe and not cognizant to any of what may disturb his brain when we got back home. But when we stayed for the project and your company launch, there's no need for any men. Especially after the tragic days... the ill got worse and critical to Third halfway of processing it all. That morning... it's his father who visited him and found Third being on all floors and unconscious."
My eyes had their consciousness to faintly closed on their own.
I can't...
But I want to hear.
I'll endure...
"He was unconscious for four days. One of the longest times he has taken seizures badly. We took advantage of that and bring him home to New York the fact we knew he wouldn't want to because he has no plan of leaving you."
Mama forced her cries to keep silent but it was contagious.
"He was merely living... He's dying and we know he's just living through it... He endures it just to work on a chance and finally have ways to get back to you. He obviously couldn't control well his mind anymore we have no choice but to force our edge to fly him back to States. His cure was there..."
I can no longer feel my face. But it feels so much heat.
"He loathed his father... He loathed me for taking him away from you. And looking back what I saw in your eyes... how confident were you to leave him... It made me how serious was I about not letting him fly back to you. I had kept him locked up because he turned to be so violent I know it isn't getting any good. It's doing worse..."
My lips parted for a breath while tears were constantly flowing under my closed eyes.
"Third and I became very distant for years after his recovery. He started moving his things and later on, himself out of the house. It was new to me but I taught myself of accepting it cuz I know if it's hard for me... it must've been painful more for my son."
I told him to focus on her Mom... I didn't know everything became just worse for them.
"I thought he left the country to see you but I was been reported he's doing the job of his father in Arizona. The good news has begun to repeal my long-lost connection with him. I became softer and softer to him..."
I sniffed.
"And that I thought myself... I still have one person to reach again for once. I'm beyond pleased reading words from you, and at last... come see you."