I think you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you.
~Haruki Murakami
A/N
I love Chase and Emmy's aesthetic from It All Started with a Deal, they will be getting their own story one day. And none of you know who Emmy is but she appears in Chase's book.
Chapter 27
Beatrice's POV
I shoved another spoonful of ice cream into my mouth, barely even having the energy to close my mouth as I chewed it.
I'd given up wiping my tears hours ago. Everytime I did, they would just be replaced in an instant by another round. I hadn't stopped crying since the party. I locked myself in Ryder's car and subbed until I was stable enough to drive myself home to which I sprinted into Klaus's room immediately and tossed myself on the floor, which is where I still was except I'd acquired ice cream, a romance book, and a box of tissues.
Klaus handed me another tissue, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "It'll be okay."
It didn't feel like it would be okay. I hadn't even told Klaus what had happened, I didn't have the courage to tell him how awful I'd been, what I'd done. I couldn't blame Ryder for leaving, I deserved it. But that didn't make it any easier.
I choked back my tears, hiding my face in Klaus's shoulder. Sonny sat opposite of me, watching the whole ordeal with wide eyes, having no idea what to do so he resorted to awkwardly patting the side of my foot in an attempt to comfort me. Klaus was the big support here, as usual. He always knew what to do. "I messed everything up."
He rubbed the side of my shoulder in a soothing motion. "What happened?"
Klaus was never the one to tell you a lie to make you feel better, so he wouldn't tell me that he was sure Ryder would take me back or that everything could be fixed, because he couldn't be sure but he would listen and give me advice on what to do. Sonny on the other hand would absolutely tell me that everything would be fine and that he was convinced Ryder and I would end up together. I could only hope.
I told them everything, every last detail of the mess I'd caused. "I don't know what to do," I finished.
"Have you tried explaining everything to him?" Klaus asked.
I shook my head. "He won't let me." That was a lie, I know he didn't want to hear it but I could have told him. I should have. I just couldn't bring myself to, to look him in the eyes and tell him I kissed his brother, the guy who spent years bullying him.
"I really messed up." My voice cracked as I let my head fall on my brother's shoulder.
How could I be so stupid? I'm not a cheater, I don't do things like that. I've never even cheated on a test. I was just so upset and I wanted it to go away and...
And maybe part of me wanted to hurt Ryder at the time, because I knew it would kill him and I was mad at him for a dumb reason and I lashed out but I regretted it the second I did it.
I shouldn't have done it.
"Just give Ryder time," Sonny tried to help.
Time? How much time? A few hours, a few days, months, years? How much time? "What if he never wants to see me again?"
Sonny just stared at me, at a complete loss for words. Klaus took the reins. "Then you'll find someone else. You have your whole life to find someone else."
I didn't want anyone else. I wanted Ryder.
I sniffled, wiping my eyes. "I'm gonna go grab another book."
I scrambled up from the floor, stumbling through the doorway as I made it to my bookcase, which expanded across the walls of my room. I didn't have as many as I used to, my original collection getting completely destroyed in the fire, but it was enough to span across a couple bookcases. I scanned through the books, finding a copy of 'Playing the Game', the book that started this whole mess. I sometimes wondered what would have happened if I'd never gone to that party, if I'd been reading a different book, if Ryder had decided to enter a different room, what would have happened? Would we have still found each other or would we have passed each other up, knowing no better? Not knowing everything that could have happened if we'd just stopped to say hi. One little thing could have changed it all.
I flipped through the book, not recognizing the copy. I had about four prints of this book but not a single one had a crease across the cover. I flipped through the pages, long list of writing in the margin, handwritten paragraphs at the end of each chapter. I recognized the oddly shaped Q's instantly, it was Ryder's handwriting. I frantically turned the pages to the beginning, falling to the floor as I read through it.
I read the date at the top of his first entry. Seven weeks ago...
Dear Bea,
I have no idea when you'll find this, I'm thinking about a few months from now, but you told me I needed to read this, so here goes nothing.
I flipped the page, a long list of commentary in the margins with full reviews at the ends of chapters.
Dear Bea,
I stand by my prior statement, this book makes no sense. Who thinks it's a good idea to play a game like that? Besides us of course. It's cute when we do it.
P.S. Your chem project was not as bad as you thought it was, I, for one, learned quite a bit.
Dear Bea,
Not too bad so far. I still think the main character is kind of foolish, I mean come on, she really can't tell that he's in love with her?
P.S. you looked really good today, I love when you do your hair like that, I can see your eyes better.
I flipped through each and every one, reading every single line.
Dear Bea,
They're fighting, over something dumb, a miscommunication. If he would just tell her the truth everything would be fine. I hope we don't ever fight like that.
P.S. You let go of my hand today for Alexia's, and I feel like I should be slightly offended but I think I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that my sister wins over me, as long as I can be second. Well, after Sonny and Klaus. Can I be fourth?
Dear Bea,
I only have a couple chapters left and if he doesn't tell her he loves her then he's an idiot because the man is whipped.
P.S. We went on a drive today. You're cute when you sing.
I found the last entry, dated three weeks ago.
Dear Bea,
The ending was heartbreaking. Why didn't you tell me they didn't end up together? I wouldn't have rooted for them so hard. And that last line 'I guess sometimes life just doesn't have a happy ending' what is that? That's bogus. They were made for each other. I'm choosing to believe they end up together in twenty years, after spending their lives apart, growing their own separate families, each of them having their own kids and pets and stories, only for them to find their way back to each other in the end like it was always destined to be. They're made for each other.
P.S. I guess you were right, the guy does fall in love first.
My tears stained the page, smudging the ink. I let my fingertips brush against the hickey Ryder had left, remembering his smile as I scolded him for it, remembering the way he danced with me in the square, the sound of his laugh, the way he'd kissed my scars.
I squeezed my eyes shut. This isn't happening, it's not real. It can't be. This is just a horrid nightmare and I'll wake up tomorrow in Ryder's arms and I'll kiss him and ask him about his day and he'll tell me everything and he'll smile at me again and we'll get our happy ending. This is just a nightmare.
I closed the book, holding it to my chest as tightly as possible.
This is just a nightmare.
A/N
Hi lovies!
How did we feel about the chapter?
Also, good news, we kid 2k comments!! Thank you so much, I love reading all of them.
And, I just finished planning the end of the novel and I kinda love it. I can wait.
Random question of the chapter: do you have any pets?
Lots of love,
Rachelle <3