Note: This chapter contains some mentions of self-harm. I have specifically marked that section with a **// sign. If self-harm is something you struggle with or if it triggers you in any way, please please skip that part. I will add a small TL/DR of the whole chapter in my ending notes
Sarawat's POV (January 2020)
"No, no, no, wait Tine. I'll come home. I'll come home soon. I promise."
There was a silence on the phone.
"If that's what you want. Bye."
Sarawat's POV
I put down the phone, staring at the wall with blank eyes.
"Okay, so Tine is most definitely alive and I need to go meet him. But-- but where the hell does he live?"
I was trying to make sense of all the jumbled up new memories in my head, when my phone rang again — It was Dim this time.
"Hello? Hey Dim, did you find something else?"
"About what? Wat, are you still at home? The music video shoot starts in half an hour, everyone is waiting for you here?"
"What music video?"
"The music video of your new album's title track. Wat, why do you seem so lost today?"
"Umm, Dim, did we have a talk on the phone before this today?"
"Ah, no I don't think so, I just texted you in the morning to remind you of your schedule — And yet, it seems like I should have most definitely called because you obviously forgot."
"I can't come right now. I need to go somewhere Dim."
"What? Where do you have to go now, Wat? Please tell me this isn't about Tine again."
"How do you know about Tine?"
"So it is Tine, isn't it? And how do I fucking know about Tine? Because that's what you do every time Wat. You just drop everything every time Tine calls, no matter how important it is.
Wat, its been years now. We both know how things always turn out with Tine. He is toxic for you and you are toxic for him."
What does that mean? Tine is not toxic. He is the sweetest and kindest person I have ever met.
"Dim, do you-- do you know where Tine lives?"
"You know exactly where he lives Wat. know what? If you want to go, just go. You don't need to make stupid excuses. Its not like I have ever been able to stop you. Its not the first time and I am sure it won't be the last. But I am saying this as your friend and not as your manager — You need to get over him and you need to stop meeting him. You know very well how things turned out in the past and it could only get worse."
" What do you mean by that? Dim, listen, just help me recall where he lives because —"
"Wat, stop it. You want me to believe you don't remember where Tine lives when you bought him that fucking house." Dim sighed on the phone. "Just go Wat. It's okay, I am used to this. I'll handle things at the set."
Dim cut down the phone and I just sat there with still no address to Tine's house.
"Okay, so I bought Tine his house apparently and I should most definitely know where he lives. It has to be somewhere in my new memories.
So, I closed my eyes, trying to focus on one thing at a time: Tine is alive in my world. I just talked to him. I should know where he lives.
Suddenly, I had more new memories with Tine pop up in my head. Memories of meeting Tine, eating with him, smiling with him, crying with me. I still couldn't seem to make complete sense of the new memories, but I just focused on remembering where he lives. And that's when I had this house appear in my head. A quiet house near a beach—"
"Found it!"
I grabbed my car keys and headed right out of the apartment. My car was still the same as the last time the future changed, which probably meant my career was about the same place as last time.
I revved up my car, set Tine's home location in the GPS, and drove the fastest I could. Tine didn't live anywhere in the city. He was living in a town house away from the bustle of the city. It was easily a 30 minute ride from my apartment. But what I couldn't understand was — Why was Tining living so far away? Why did I buy him a house so far out?
"Three years with Tine in my life and I still couldn't find a way to make him move in with me? It doesn't make sense for him to live so far—"
And now the highly anticipated title track of Sarawat Guntithanon's third studio album
It was the sound on the radio that interrupted my thoughts.
As expected, Sarawat has blessed his fans with another bunch of heartbreaking songs.
"Wait? There's a third album? Why the fuck am I still writing heart breaking songs?"
The song started to play and I maxed out the volume to listen to it properly. It did sound like something I would play, but there was an eerie sadness to it.
I shouldn't be angry
I shouldn't hold on
I shouldn't leave you messages in every little song
It could've been always
It could've been me
We could've been busy, naming baby number three
"WHAT?" I put the brakes on my car in shock. "Sarawat, what the fuck did you do this time?"
Now the road keeps rolling on forever
And the years keep pulling us apart
If it's on someone, then I blame the both of us
It shouldn't matter
Shouldn't matter, but it does
I closed my eyes, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel.
"Okay, so this song is definitely about Tine. I have only written songs about Tine since I met him. But what went wrong this time? He's alive, he's here. He just called and asked me to meet him. So what went so wrong between us that Dim said we are toxic for each other?"
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. According to the GPS, Tine's house was only 10 minutes away from where I was. "Well, I guess there's only one way to find out."
When I arrived, the first thing I noticed was the beautiful sea overlooking the place. The house seemed small and cozy but there was a beautiful, and really well-maintained garden out front.
You know what? I wouldn't mind just living out here instead of the apartment. I mean its a bit of a drive, but it should have been okay. Sarawat Guntithanon, you are a stupid, stupid man. Why would you live in that apartment alone and—
Wait for a second, I live in that apartment because its close to dad's hospital. Because the accident still happened with the same consequences. Dad is in the same hospital and Tine's mom is still dead.
Are things bad between me and Tine because of the accident?
Mustering all the courage that I had left in me, I walked out to the house and pressed the doorbell.
"Coming."
I had a voice from the inside and then the door clicked open a few seconds later.
There he was — The man who I thought was just a figment of my imagination, now standing right in front of me.
"Took you long enough." He said with a straight face.
"T—Tine." It was really Tine. He looked slightly different, a bit older but it was definitely Tine. His hair was longer. That was weird. I remember him telling me he liked keeping his hair short. And he was wearing a full sleeves shirt even when it was pretty hot. Something didn't quite seem right but I couldn't put a finger on it. "Its—Its good to see you Tine."
"Yeah, I guess it has been long. What? Three weeks I think?"
I sighed. "Feels like an eternity to me."
That's when Tine gave me a smile — The kind of smile that I had seen on his face every time I came back to the apartment.
Instead of answering me, he pulled me inside the house, closed the door behind me, pinned me to the door, and crash his lips on mine. Shocked for a few seconds, I soon melted into the kiss.
Tine bit my lower lip and slid his tongue inside. He was fighting for dominance and I was more than happy to let him win. I put my hand on his nape and pulled him towards me to deepen our kiss.
It felt like I was in a daze and it took me a few minutes to even register the fact that we were now somehow on a sofa and I could taste alcohol on Tine.
I slowly broke the kiss, trying to come up for air, and looked at Tine one more time. I wanted to make sure he was real.
"Tine...."
Tine tried to move in closer to kiss me again, but I moved my head to the other side.
"Tine, have you been drinking?"
"May be. May be not. Who really knows?" He whispered in my ears.
I looked around the room, and sure enough, I was right. "I want to know why you are drinking in the middle of the day. There are beer bottles all around the living room... and an entirely empty bottle of whisky. Tine, what the fuck is going on?"
Instead of answering my question, Tine pushed me on the sofa and straddled me.
"Sarawat, do you want me to kiss you or do you want me to throw you out of my house for asking stupid questions?"
I blinked a few times understanding what Tine was implying.
Oh to f-ck with logic. There's Tine, finally right in front of me — in my own world. He's here. Finally, here. And I will have all the time to ask him all of my questions.
"Kiss me. Definitely kiss me." I nodded my head in agreement
As soon as the words escaped my mouth, Tine kissed me hungrily. His tongue fighting for dominance again and this time I didn't let him win that easily. He bit my lips again and moved to my neck. He was sucking my neck and opening my shirt, and it felt like I was in heaven. A heaven I'd like to stay in forever.
Without breaking the kiss, Tine's hands travelled south. He tried opening my belt buckle but he was struggling with it. Okay, this definitely going a little too fast, but may be its just because I can't recall all of the new memories yet?
Putting my inhibitions down, I decided to help him. But just as I looked down, I noticed Tine's shirt sleeves rode up and that's when I saw several slash marks on his left wrist.
**//
**//
Suddenly I had a new memory pop up in my head -- I was rushing Tine to the hospital, along with his friends. Tine had cut his wrists. There was blood everywhere.
"Tine, wait... Oh god." I pushed Tine away a little and that's when he realised I was looking at his hand.
"I told you not to look at my wrists, Wat!" Tine yelled and suddenly, something switched in him.
"But Tine, what--"
"What? Do you feel sorry for me? Is that why you came here?"
"No, of course not, Tine. I came here because I care about you. I came because I lo-"
Tine laughed, but there was just hurt in his eyes. "You came because you care? No, you came because you feel sorry for me. Just like you bought this house for me because you feel sorry for me."
"Tine, no. That's not true at all."
"Is it not, Wat?" His eyes were full of hurt and it almost felt like he was on the verge of crying. "If it's not true, why am I always the one who calls? If it's not true, why are you always the one who puts distance between us?"
"I—I won't put any distance between us Tine. Not anymore. I just want to be with you. I'll move here to this house if you are okay with it?" I put my hands on Tine's cheek.
"If I am okay with it?" Tine pushed me away with so much force, I almost hit the wall. He was angrier than I thought he would be. "Its your house, Sarawat Guntithanon. I am just a broke person living off of you like some charity."
"You are not charity, Tine. Never ever believe that."
"But that's what it feels like when I am with you, Wat. You come here for a day. May be two, if I am lucky — And then you disappear for weeks. And you never ever come unless I call you. You say you care about me, but when was the last time you actually called me on your own and asked me how I was?"
"Tine, listen —"
"Yes, I know exactly what you are going to say next: You are going to say that you are busy — Busy working so you can support your dad, Phukong, and me. But Wat, I never asked for it. I never, ever asked for any of it. I never wanted your money, I never wanted a fucking house. I just wanted you, Wat. I just wanted to be with you. But may be I asked for too much, didn't I?"
"No Tine, no. You did not ask for too much. Why don't you calm down a bit and we'll sort this out together okay? Have you eaten anything? You already drank so much."
"Oh so now you think I have a drinking problem?"
"No Tine, that is absolutely not what I am saying. Listen, look at me — in my eyes. You are drunk and you are overthinking this Tine. Why don't you take a shower and I'll make you something to eat, huh?"
"I am drunk and over thinking this? FUCK YOU SARAWAT!" Tine raised his fist and it seemed like he was going to punch me, but instead — he punch the wall. "I am not overthinking this, Wat. I know you too well and I remember it all too well. I know every time you see him, you are reminded of your dad's accident and how my mom put him in a coma — And you blame me for it too."
"Tine, I never ever blame you for the accident, and I never will. It wasn't your fault. I was an accident, it just happened Tine."
"I know you blame me for it, Wat, I see it in your eyes — and to be honest, I blame myself too. You know all those therapists keep telling me the same thing: 'Tine you need to let it go. You need to let it go.'"Tine ran his hands through his hair. But how do I let it all go when the person I love looks at me like I ruined his life? How do I let it all go when I know he would never love me back?"
"What?"
"Actually, there's something I never told because I thought it would only make you hate me more — I knew the accident was going to happen. I knew mom would be drunk driving. I knew your dad would be in the car. And I knew I needed to avoid the accident somehow, but I couldn't, I just couldn't Wat." Tears flowing through Tine's eyes with his voice getting hoarser by every second. "I—I am sorry, Wat. I know I don't deserve you"
"Tine, look at me.." I pulled Tine in by his hand. "I don't blame you for anything. I never have. I just wish you would forgive yourself."
He looked up at me with his tear-filled eyes. "I don't know how to."
"Tine, I lov—"
Suddenly, I heard the door open.
"Wat, what the hell are you doing here?" I looked around and saw two men walk in. "I thought we discussed you would stay away from Tine now."
I know these men. I have memories of meeting them in college. I saw them in my new memory when I was taking Tine to the hospital.
Fong and Ohm. They were Tine's friends.
"Why the hell is Tine crying? God, did you bring all this beer for him? Sarawat, if you don't want me to kill you with my bare hands. Get out. Right now." Ohm said.
"I didn't bring the bottles. I came here to talk to Tine and this is my house. Who are you to tell me to get out?"
Fong spoke up. "Tine, where the hell did you even find all this beer? I left the house for just two hours"
"You won't let me die and now you wouldn't even let me drink in peace? Can you for once mind your business Fong, and stop coming into my house without my permission?" Tine snapped at him.
"No we won't let you drink Tine because you can't handle it, especially over your other medicines. And I will be coming into your house without your permission because I am worried about you." Fong answered calmly and turned towards me. "Wat, could you may be button up your shirt and come with me outside? I think we need to talk.
Ohm, you stay with Tine here and call his doctor for a checkup."
"Okay" I nodded.
"Wat you can't leave me. You promised you won't leave me." I could already see Tine's hands shaking and his breathing getting heavier. "Are you going because of what I told you? Do you really hate me?"
Tine's eyes were bloodshot and he couldn't even focus. There was something very, very wrong. Was Tine still going through depression? God, I should have been careful about how I talked with him. I really need to talk to Fong about what's wrong with Tine. He obviously seems to be in therapy and some medication but it is obviously not working.
"No. Tine. Absolutely not. I would never leave you. I promised you that. I am just going outside to talk to Fong for five minutes and I will be back. I promise."
"Why do you need to talk outside? Why can't you talk here?
Fong, are you going to make Wat leave me again?"
"I won't Tine." Fong answered. "Just stay here with Ohm for sometime and then I'll bring Sarawat back okay?"
Tine looked at me with a lost face.
"Just five minutes Tine and I'll be back."
Tine didn't say anything else. Fong and I walked to the garden outside, when we were far enough from Tine, Fong finally spoke up.
"Wat, why are you here, again? We already discussed that you should not see Tine for a few months after what happened the last time..."
"The last time...?"
"Don't pretend ignorance, Wat. Tine has already attempted suicide four times because he can't get over the guilt from that accident. You know yourself that you are the source of all that guilt in him but you continue to show up every time he calls because of that stupid promise you made him years ago"
Four times.
Slowly and steadily, all the new memories I had started making sense.
"But we can take him to better doctors. We can put caretakers around him to make sure he doesn't drink or do anything unsupervised. We can save Tine."
"Wat, we have gone over this so many times. You remember what the doctors said, right? Tine's mental illness isn't just psychological, its physiological too. His mom suffered from depression for a long time as well.
The doctors are giving him all the right medicines, but even they cant help him if he keeps drinking everyday."
"Tine has been drinking almost everyday..."
"Ever since the accident — You know that already, Wat. No matter how much we try to take the alcohol away from him, he always finds it somehow. It was nice of you to buy this house for Tine so he wouldn't go drinking in the city, but Wat, you being here is not helping Tine at all. It only reminds him of all the things that he needs to forget. Listen, I know you care about him. We all know that. But we need to save Tine."
"How do we save Tine then?"
"I-don't know, honestly. I don't know how to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Tine is hanging by a very thin thread and--"
"TINE!" There was a loud scream from the inside, and Fong and I ran back right away.
My mind went blank for a few seconds when I saw blood everywhere. Tine had slit his wrists again... with the broken beer bottles this time.
"Tine, no please put that down. Let's go to the hospital okay?" Ohm tried to talk to him calmly, but he could hardly keep his calm.
"No you stay away from me Ohm. Stay away from me."
"Tine..." I took a step forward. "I love you. I want you to live a long and happy life. Please put the bottle down. Let's go to the hospital together, okay?"
"No you don't love me. You never loved me, Wat." Tine was crying. "Do you know we met for the first time in my apartment and not at the college? You were right there, telling me all of the things from the future and I actually believed I could change the future. But then one day you disappeared into thin air, and things were never the same.
Now, I am just a burden to you and I am honestly tired. I am tired of dragging everyone down with me."
"You'll never be a burden to me, Tine. Let's get this fixed and then we'll talk okay?" I took another step forward.
"I said stay away from me Wat." Tine took two steps away from us. "I cant —I can't live like this. It hurts too much. I was stupid enough to think I could change the future. I was a bad son. I was a bad friend. I dont deserve this life or you" Tine took the broken beer bottle and thrashed it on his wrist again.
"NO TINE!! You can't do this" Fong yelled out and ran towards Tine.
Tine was slowly losing consciousness.
Fong was calling the ambulance and trying to wrap a cloth around Tine's wrist. Ohm was crying.
But I — I just stood there frozen, realising that I was living my life on loop.
I wanted to desperately meet Tine in my world again, but not like this. Not to see him in so much pain. Not to become the reason for his pain.
I had failed Tine, again.
**//
**//
/
/
/
/
Fong and Ohm rushed Tine to the hospital in the ambulance and I drove my car there.
As I got out of the car, a few people tookpictures of me. But I ignored them and went inside the hospital — People spotting me at the hospital was the least of my worries right now.
I sat in the waiting room with Fong and Ohm while tine was rushed for emergency surgery.
There were a few people who were trying to sneak pictures of me on their mobile phones. Some even decided to approach me for a selfie while I was sitting there, with a blood-soaked shirt.
And in that moment, I really wished I could have a normal life with Tine — I was tired, just so, so tired. Was there even a world where both Tine and I could be happy?
I was so out in my thoughts, I didnt even realise the doctor was already here, talking to Fong.
"I am sorry. Tine had already lost a lot of blood by the time he got to the hospital and we couldnt save him"
It felt like my whole world stopped for a second and my legs gave up. I fell on the ground and I couldnt process anything.
I had just lost Tine... again. He was right there in front of me and I still couldnt save him.
"Sarawat? SARAWAT? Get up right now."
Ohm helped me get up. He was crying profusely.
"You need to leave right now Sarawat. People are taking pictures of you and the last thing that I want is for Tine's pictures to be all over the internet because of his relationship with you. He has suffered enough.
Just please go right now."
"But Fong, I cant just leave Tine... "
"Tine is gone. He had the worst three years of his life and now he is gone. You need to leave right now Sarawat. Your album was dropped today, wasn't it? I am sure there's already a lot of press around you and Dim won't be happy about this either."
"I can't leave Tine..."
Fong finally moved forward and put his hands on my shoulder. "Wat, Tine already left us. Listen, I know its a lot to take in and I know you loved Tine. We all did. But please leave right now. People are constantly clicking pictures of you. They might put things about Tine on the internet, especially if they find out who Tine's parents were. We shouldnt do that to Tine, right?"
And so, I left.
I left the hospital building and tried searching for my car, but I couldnt even remember where I parked it. The world felt like a different place when I came to the hospital.
I decided to take a taxi to the apartment instead. Its not like I was even in my senses to drive. I was just hoping and praying that I find my Tine waiting for me at home. Even though the chances of that seemed very, very slim. Before I left the apartment, Tine's stuff had magically disappeared.
"Are you..are you by any chance Sarawat Guntithanon? God, I love your songs!" said the taxi driver.
"Sir I will pay you double for this cab ride if you don't ask me any questions or take any pictures. I am tired. I just want to go home."
I wanted Tine to be in my world, but not like this. I was stupid to think I was the key to solving this whole parallel world problem.
Tine's death was a variable, but it was directly connected to his mom's death. As long as Tine's mom died and my dad went into coma, Tine would eventually die too. He was too kind and too soft hearted to deal with something as big as this.
The key to solving this whole problem was Tine's mom. As long as she lives, my dad lives — Tine lives.
When I finally reached home, it was close to 2am. I prayed one more time before opening the door. I hoped Tine was right inside waiting for me.
And he was. Lying on the couch with his eyes closed and my mind went into panic mode again.
"TINE! TINE! Are you okay?"
"Yeah, of course I am okay. I have been waiting for you. Where were you--" Tine got up, rubbing his eyes. "Wat, why do you have so much blood on your shirt? God, are you hurt?" He quickly stood up inspecting his shirt.
"I— I am okay. This—this isn't my blood." I answered, unable to control my tears.
"What happened Wat? Where were you?"
"I-I was on the outskirts of the city. It took me a while to drive down here. I am sorry. Are you-are you really okay?
"Yes of course, I am okay Wat. You are the one covered in blood. What happened?"
I moved forward, holding both of his hands, and staring at his wrists. "You are okay. Thank god you are okay." He engulfed me in a hug.
"Did something bad happen today Wat?"
"I am sorry I couldn't keep my promise properly, Tine."
"What do you mean Wat?"
"I think its time you met you mom, Tine. I think you really need to meet her."
---------
TL/DR: Sarawat finds Tine in his new house, which is 30 minutes away. Tine is already drunk on beer, whisky, and his other depression medication. Sarawat doesn't know it yet, they make out, but then Tine gets furious when Sarawat sees the marks on his wrists. They fight violently. Tine starts crying. Tine's friends come to the house. Fong takes Sarawat out of the house to talk to him for a few minutes — But right then, Tine attempts k-wording himself again. By the time they reach the hospital, its too late.
A/N: Anyways, in this version of the changed future, Tine already knows about Future Sarawat, he has met Future Sarawat before –
This Tine remembers meeting Future Sarawat (Until Future Sarawat completely disappears from the apartment, Chapter 13), he knows that the accident was supposed to happen, he knows he was supposed to die eventually. But because of that, he had too much guilt in him. Guilt for not being able to avoid the whole accident. Guilt for not saving his mom and Sarawat's father, even when he knew all about it.
Sarawat, on the other hand, probably had too much pent up anger and regret. This time, since he knows Tine well, Sarawat realises Tine's mom was behind their accident, and he just can't seem to let it go. He has a face for everything that went wrong in his life. But he also promised Tine he would always be there for him. He also obviously loved Tine, but he could never really let go of the past. And that's kind of, sort of how Sarawat and Tine ended up being in a toxic relationship.
—>I think this is the first and hopefully the last time where I write Sarawat & Tine as toxic together. Even if it was in a parallel world that lasted only for a few hours, it broke my heart.
The song mentioned in the chapter is John Mayer's Shouldn't Matter But It Does. Listen to it only and only if you are ready to cry more.
The chapter may have some typos, and I am sorry about that. I didn't have the heart to re-read and proofread it. If you see some obvious errors, feel free to let me know
Note: If you or someone you know has had thoughts about self-help, please seek out a therapist or a counsellor. Its good to open up to friends, but sometimes, we need professional help. Visit suicide.org or befrienders.org