Chapter Seventeen
Just Looking Back
Everywhere I look, I see her. She's standing in the forest, waiting for me to kiss her. She's outside my school, searching for me. She's on the beach, holding my hand in hers. No matter how hard I try to forget, the memories I used to hold onto, the ones so precious to me, creep back to the surface of my mind and there I am – thinking of her once more. Her hair as it flows in the wind. Her eyes as they glisten against the sun. Her lips, though chapped and dry, still so kissable. Will I ever look into her eyes again? Will my lips ever meet hers? Will I ever get to tell her how much I love her? Everywhere I look, I see Emily but, I know she is not there. So I remember her. As much as it hurts to.
I'm walking through the forest when I let the memories take control. It is a little after six in the evening and Chris has called me into town for coffee. I'm walking as slow as I can through this wet land, dreading arriving to my destination. I shiver as a cold wind blows – even the trees shake. I can almost hear their branches twisting in the breeze, moaning and stretching. This is supposed to be summer. I zip up my jacket as far it can go and slide my hands into my jackets pockets as a drizzle of rain begins to fall. I stray away from the centre of the path so the trees give me some shelter.
It is here, not even a year ago, that I kissed Emily for the first time. My stomach tightens, but I remain in control. For a moment, I feel her lips against mine. Its so vivid that I can almost taste her lip balm. The thought of her hands running along my chest forces me to close my eyes and fall into the moment, the memory. It was as perfect as any first kiss could be and it was with the only person I could ever want to give such an honor to. She was the girl who gave me butterflies. The girl, who I think I could have loved forever. And then she became the girl who left me. Left me with only memories.
It was a little over six months ago. It doesn't sound like such a long period of time, yet so much can change in the space of it. I had just been informed of my moms illness and I had ran away, like I always seem to do when times get tough. I had ran to the only place I knew I could be safe, at least safe enough to think – in peace if anything. There, in Emily's hospital room, I had found Skylar. I had broken down beside Emily's bed as she laid in her comatose state, and Skylar had been there to pick me up. It was impulsive, the kiss. It just happened, and it was not planned. Neither was Emily's sudden and seemingly miraculous recovery.
“Jack!” Emily exclaimed. I looked to Skylar first, guilty and confused at the same time. Skylar immediately left the room for assistance, I on the other hand, immediately took place beside Emily's side. I looked into her eyes, the eyes that could convince me to do anything their beholder wished, and she had looked into mine too. I could only hope that she had not witnessed the kiss, the stupid meaningless kiss with Skylar. Such a shame it would be to lose everything me and Emily had over an act of desperation.
“Emily,” I had said, through sobs of joy. “You're awake!” I took my hand and ran it through her hair. She half smiled, maybe confused a little, but that was to be expected. At least, thats what I had expected. Confusion. Not anger, which it later turned out to be. Instinctively, like it was the right moment or the right thing to do, I had kissed her. She did not kiss back and I guess I should have taken that as confirmation. She was not happy. Yet, I held onto hope. It was the only thing I had. She sat up in her bed, slowly. It was weird, seeing her up and awake. I knew it was odd to think I had somehow gotten used to seeing her in a coma. Maybe I was just afraid of what would happen if she ever woke up. I never could have anticipated what was destined to happen.
I knew it was going to take time for Emily to get back to being Emily, the girl who believed me, the girl who understood me and that things would eventually get back to normal. What I didn't know at the time however, was that maybe things were never going to be the same. Maybe Emily would never really be the person she once was.
Dave, her father, had burst through the door moments later. He was just as shocked as I was, if not even more. He stood there, at the door, holding his face in his hands as he cried. It must have been hard on him. Not only had he lost his wife in a tragic car accident, he was almost about to lose his daughter and he would have been the one to pull the plug. When he finally stopped crying he had rushed to her side. He was standing directly in front of me. We both held onto one of her hands and we both looked upon her, almost in wonder. It was like she had just been reborn. For a moment, it was magical. I thought that me and Dave could somehow get along through our mutual love for his daughter. But I was wrong.
It was exactly a week after she woke up when I arrived at the hospital with a bunch of flowers for Emily, that my life was changed forever. I hadn't been to visit her since she woke up, mainly because her father had practically banned me from seeing her – which looking back now, I do not blame him. But that day she had texted me, asking me to come meet her and I had quickly left my house, gotten her some flowers and dashed to the hospital. For some reason, that I seem to find embarrassingly funny when I think about it now, I thought that day was going to be the day we became us again. And for the second time since she woke up, I was wrong.
When I entered her room, it was nothing like how I had left it. For one, it was bright. The windows were open, air was flowing. The machines that used to beep musically, were silent and hid away in a corner. All of the get-well-soon cards had been taken away along with all of her flowers and belongings from home. It had gone from being her second home, to a typical hospital room. Her bag was laid open on her bed, and she was packing it with stuff from around the room. The last thing she put in it, before zipping it shut, was the teddy I bought her. She sighed and started pacing the room, running her hands through her hair.
I placed the flowers I bought her on the counter beside her bed and then I sat down on the chair beside it. Deep down, I knew what was going on. I knew that somehow, this was the end. We had reached our climax. I leaned back, and cleared my throat. When I spoke, it was calm and collected, yet my speech faltered once, showing just how sad I was. “You're going home?” She took in the question before replying.
“Not exactly,” she said. She stopped pacing and looked right at me. She bit her bottom lip and shook her head. Back then I had thought she was being forced to leave. It never occurred to me that maybe she had came to the conclusion herself.
“You're leaving Bridge Bay?” I asked, afraid to look her in the eye, yet using every bit of will power I had. I couldn't help but let my bottom lip quiver with emotion.
She sat down beside her bag and sighed once more, letting her shoulders slouch. I had just noticed then that she was wearing her own clothes and none of the hospital supplied fashion. “There is just too much history and pain here. I have nothing to keep me here, no happy memories, no joy.” She swallowed a lump.
“You have me,” I said.
“You're not enough anymore,” she replied, almost instantly. The room fell silent. There was no tension, just an atmosphere of sadness.
“If this is because I kissed Skylar, you should know that she is nothing but a friend to me!”
“This has nothing to do with Skylar, or even you for that matter. I physical cannot live in this town anymore. Don't you see, Jack,” she turned on the bed so we were looking at each other once more. “This place holds nothing but tragedy. Your dad, my mom and now me. God knows what else this place is going to throw up on us.”
For a moment I thought of my mom and her deteriorating health. I chose not to tell Emily, maybe because I thought one less tragic piece of news would keep her here.
“What am I going to do without you, Emily? Because, I physically cannot live without you.” My heart was on the line. She had everything over me. She new if she left, it would destroy me, and for a while it did. But there was nothing I could have said that would have convinced her to stay. I just wish I knew that back then.
“The question isn't what are you going to do if I leave. The question is what will you do when I'm gone. I'm leaving, Jack. That's all there is to it.”
She stood up from the bed and wrapped the strap of her bag around her shoulder. She took a look around, as if embracing the room she had spent countless unconscious days in. I wondered if she ever thought about the many conscious days I spent in here by her side. She nodded to me, maybe out of courtesy of what we once were and then went to leave. I stood up before she walked out of the room completely.
“If that's how you feel, Emily well then I'm gone too.”
“No, Jack. I'm gone. At least, by tomorrow I will be. And you, well you can get on with your life and let me get on with mine. There's too much water under our bridge now. We're drowning. And we need to get out before its too late.” Before walking out of my life forever, she kissed me lightly on the cheek. I did not watch her leave, but I know she didn't look back.
That was six months ago. Six. And yet here I am, wallowing over the past instead of fighting for my future. She left me that day and took a part of me with her. She broke my heart into a million and one pieces and left me with no tools to repair it. It took me so long to get over it. So long. And even now, when I thought I was over it, I find myself in the place we first kissed, thinking of her once more. I nod and replay the moment in my head once more and then I head towards the exit of the forest but before I leave, I look back to the spot. I look back, like she didn't. And I smile.
Chris is sitting at two-seater table when I enter the small, brightly lit café. The room is bursting with life and it appears to be the new hang-out spot for local teens. It feels like I'm back in the school cafeteria. He has already ordered for me so I take my seat in front of him and wait for the waitress to disappear before opening my mouth.
“Do you think there is too much water under our bridge, Chris?” I ask. At first, he has no idea what I'm talking about but, then he considers it.
“Well, theres plenty of it no doubt. But look at us now, being all mature and stuff, having coffee and being civil. So no, there is definitely not too much water under our thing,” he replies, sipping from his cup. I look around to all the other people. All the familiar faces from school, most of them I've never talked to. Most of them still whispering about Chris and how he is back. Not many people talk to him anymore.
I consider his reply. He is so right though. If me and Chris can overcome what we have been through and still manage to sit down and have coffee, then why couldn't Emily have been so mature? I mean, I thought Chris freakin' died. I mourned him, I went through anorexia all over again because I could not deal with the grief, much like the time after my father. And yet, we still can be friends. So the question that bothers me is why couldn't Emily overcome my mistakes and most of all, her past?
“Anyways, why did you want to meet here, whats so important?” I ask, taking a gulp of my coffee and then instantly regretting it. I never had coffee before.
“I wanted to talk to you about something. It's been a long time coming too,” Chris says, stirring in his seat. He sits up, more straight and thinks about how to phrase it.
“Chris, please don't. We said we'd leave that in the past, we said it was a silly mistake,” I say, understanding this rendezvous now.
“But what if it wasn't! Sure, we were younger and drunk, but not that much younger and not that much drunk,” he says, leaning in close to me now so people around us cannot hear. I too look around.
“What are you trying to say, exactly?”
“What I'm saying is, what if I don't think it was a mistake. What if, one of the only reasons I came back to Bridge Bay, was so I could tell you that, Jack. I came back for you and possibly, for us. So please, think about it. Think about that day and then get back to me.” He stands up, gulps down the last of his coffee, smiles, and leaves.
I let my head roll back and sigh as the memory of that day begins to play in my head. It was two years ago, we were both sixteen. We had just gatecrashed a college beach party and had drank a little too much. Chris invited me back to his house. His mom and step dad were away for the weekend so we wouldn't get in trouble for being drunk.
We had been surfing that day so we were both still in our wetsuits, though they had long dried by the beach fires. Chris' bedroom had an en-suite so he began changing in there, while I stripped in his bedroom. He had drunkingly stumbled out of the bathroom, his wet suit rolled down to his waist, boasting his toned and tanned body, his whispy blonde hair pulled off of his God-like face. He fell onto the bed with a groan. There was no denying how perfectly beautiful he was. He was like one of those models from the mens fitness magazines. All the girls wanted him and all the guys wanted to be him. And here he was, lying practically naked and wet on his bed.
I stood up, fully dressed and laid down beside him. Our legs hung off either end of the bed and we just stared at the ceiling for a few moments. I watched as a few beads of water rolled down his chest and then soon enough we were both looking at each other. We were both thinking the exact same thing. But we did not immediately act. Not immediately. We laughed first. Hysterically. It was one of those moments where you just can't control your laughter until it finally fades. We were then left in silence once more, staring at each other. Waiting.
He made the first move by sitting up and leaning closer to my face. I, instinctively, moved my head back but then my eyes found his once more, and something came over me. It was like I was hypnotized. I leaned closer and so did he and our lips found each others and for a few passionate seconds we weren't best friends, we were lovers. I pulled out immediately, but not before enjoying it for a split second.
“What are we doing?” I asked. It was wrong, it was forbidden. Best friends don't make out, let alone guy best friends. It was wrong, but it felt so right.
“I don't know, we're drunk,” Chris replied, smiling. He moved his head closer to mine and I went along with it, I would soon blame it on being intoxicated. The next day, we didn't talk about it. We got back to being best friends, normal best friends, and he hadn't mentioned it since that day at the beach last week.
We were young, and we were drunk but, was that all there was to it? What if what he is saying is true, what if he did come back to tell me that? Could he possibly have feelings for me and if so, are these feelings requited? Emily has left me and she took something from me when she left. But now, Chris is back. And maybe he brought something with him that can replace what she took.
There comes a point in everyones life when we have to look back. Our pasts are our foundations. They build toward a better future. So stop and look back. Smile at what you once did. Let go of the people who never gave you a reason to stay in your future. Remember the people you have lost and see how much you have changed in so little time. Remember the birthdays and the graduations that have passed and remember the defining moments. But don't let someone who you had in your past and who you want in your future slip away. Fight for them. Don't let the past, the water under the bridge, stop you.
The only question is, who do I want in my future?
AN Hope you liked this chapter guys! I loved the scene between Emily and Jack when they broke up! Anyways, PLEASE VOTE AND COMMENT! do not be a silent reader! Discuss Jack and Chris too, what do you guys think? Who does Jack belong with? Those of you that find this sudden Jack/Chris storyline stupid- go back to the start, I've been hinting at this FOREVER! Haha! Enjoy! Next chapter is going to be real special, I can't wait to share it with you! For now, you can have the title : JUST LET GO .