Choke
"Heed telling me what happened last night?"
Naalimpungatan ako sa pagluluto nang makarinig ng boses sa likuran. Just a perfect time when the last pieces of sliced bread I dipped in egg mixture went rightly toast.
"May kasalanan ka sa 'kin."
I woke up in bed earlier and saw him where I remember myself lying last night.
He stopped nearing me, pursed his lips, and shrugged his shoulders. "I can't sleep in the bed. Namamahay..."
I laughed to myself. Really? Namamahay? Hindi naman siguro madami siyang baon na Filipino word, ah?
"Lame excuse." I transferred the toast on a separate plate for us two. "So namamahay ka kasi sabi mo hindi ka makatulog sa bed... sa bed ka lang namamahay? May specific pala?" Nalingunan ko siyang hindi maipinta ang hitsura. "Namamahay ka diyan... flexing the word?"
He continued on his steps and snorted. "Shouldn't be a big deal... I can't stand it when I'm the one who's getting a lot of comfort than you. It feels like a sin..." He mumbled the last sentence.
Binigyan ko lang si Third ng ngiti at saglit na sulyap. Tinuro ko rin sa kaniya ang katitimpla ko lang na coffee. I put a strawberry syrup on top of the french toast na para sa akin. I was about to put also the chunk for him when I remember something.
"Chocolate syrup?" I asked him.
Umupo siya sa stool. "You?"
I shook my head and pointed to my plate. "Strawberry," sagot ko.
"I'll go with strawberry too."
"Okay... copycat," I smirked.
He stifled a laugh before sipping on the coffee. I removed my pink checkered apron and hang it on the rack, grabbed our breakfast, and sat next to him on the stool.
"What happened last night?" he asked again.
I draw my finger on the french toast to get a lick of the sauce. Kinuha ko ulit ang container ng strawberry syrup para magdadag pa ulit ng panibago. "You don't remember?" Gusto kong matawa na lang habang inaalala ang screenplay niya last night, ah!
I'm fully aware a drunken person tends to be forgetful after a nightlong hangover, but I have this feeling na alam niya naman talaga kung ano ang nangyari kagabi because he was interested asking. His elusive eyes talked about it. He's just trying if he could save a face.
"You're going to make this a jollification. Tell me," pangungulit niya. He's furrowing his forehead while observing my hideous smiles.
He's just trying it! See!
I scoffed. "I know you can think back last night. Gusto mo lang ng assurance, e..."
He cleared his throat. Thought he really realized he just couldn't easily get away with it. "I remember us... crying. Me... confessing you my feelings."
Tumango ako. "What else..." I was about to say 'Noah' pero napiligilan ko. I bit my lip and decided to wait for him again, demanding it. Damn. It's hard to restrain this laugh. He's cute last night.
He narrowed his eyes on me. I returned his stares, arching a brow. Mas lalo akong napataas ng kilay ng una siyang umiwas ng tingin. He took a slice on the toast.
"You're such a tease," puna niya.
Doon ko na hindi napigilan na matawa. I knew he's aware of how a crybaby he was last night! "And you're such a fibber," I laughed.
"Fibber my ass," he scorned.
"Boo! Why ask me what happened last night if you can patently recall?"
He tsked and focus on his breakfast. Nagpangalumbaba ako at tinitigan siyang kumakain. I'm crazy for smiling like this!
"What do you want for lunch, Noah?"
Just the moment he coughed and almost choked himself, the fork dripped off his hand. Tumatawa ako habang kinukuha sa ilalim ang kalat niya. When I got up, I saw him taking a large sip of coffee based on how his throat surged down. Nilapit ko ang mukha sa kaniya para makita siyang nang maayos pagkalapag ko ng fork sa plate niya. When the mug get rid of his face to put it back down, his big eyes told me he wasn't expecting me to be this near after calling him the name.
Malakas ulit akong tumawa dahil nabugahan niya ako ng coffee galing sa mouth niya. A splatter of about to cool down coffee casted on my face. I pulled out a tissue from the side to wipe my face. Inaabutan ko rin siya pero hindi niya magawang makuha because he was busy coughing.
"You're disgusting..."
I'm nearly dying to laugh while watching him die to cough. But when I saw him stood up and grunts of cough came louder... I came serious and conscious!
"Shit!" Hindi ako magkaintindihan sa pagtayo para makalapit sa kaniya.
I forgot choking may lead to a serious medical emergency! This isn't a joke...
"Third!"
When I was already meters away from him, nakatulala pa lang ako sa kaniya, catching a breath of what should I do first. My eyes opened out when I saw him gagged a bit and clenching on the sink. He's trying to make a word but is unable to talk at full clarity. Of course!
I moved up closer to him. "Hey, ano ba!" I pulled the hem of his shirt.
Niyugyog ko siya at pilit hinuhuli ang mata. He dismissed me and consistently coughs. His eyes watered. And his fair face was already red!
"Noah! Noah!" I panicked.
Lalong lumakas ang pag- ubo niya habang paulit- ulit na hinahampas ang dibdib. I positioned myself on his back to give him back blows. At first, he's very strong and hard to even let me.
"Third! Let go!" I tried scoping my arms again.
I hit his back between his shoulderblades twice, but on the way to third, he forcefully stopped me using his right hand while the other thrusts on his chest.
"Please! I'm trying to help!"
I can feel my neck and chest heating up. I feel like I'll go have sick because of this! I don't know but I was trained on giving a hand on this! I just couldn't concentrate well because it was Third!
When I got the timing to give him another set of back blows, he just came tougher to make me stop.
"Damn it! I said I'll do it!" I was on the verge of crying out of so much fear and tension. These were all to blame on me!
Naiinis na ako dahil mas lalo siyang lumikot para makawala. "I can't fucking move, Avi! I'll go get water!"
He really could still shout on his state. Doon ko napansin na humina na ang pag- ubo niya.
"You shouldn't drink water while choking! It'll only make worse!"
I gasped when he really escaped from my support at his back. Pero nakatalikod pa rin siya sa 'kin.
"I ain't choking! I'm coughing!"
I suddenly resigned my presence behind him after hearing his as straight as an arrow voice now. Wala ng marka ng pagkasamid. I want to see his face. Sobrang namumula na siya kanina!
I went on his front and saw him heaving his chest. The color of his face looks calm and better now. Gumilid siya ng puwesto.
"There's no blockage of food, alright? It's coffee," he explained to me gently. He's pouring water now on the glass.
I parted my lips. My heart raised even more.
"Boohoo! Why would you scare me like that!" I lashed out. I'm feeling the heat of my tears. They were already in my eyes promptly before he appears to be this okay as now.
He sighed and drank one linear from the glass of water he got. When he's finished, he put it down on the sink. Pagkatapos noon, saka lang siya lumingon sa akin. His eyes showed a fraction of shock and disturb upon seeing me. Of course, I'm crying, again! Napaka- iyakin ko sa kaniya!
"You scared me!"
Kumunot ang noo niya.
If I was being a baby to him, be it! I don't fucking care! The sound of his frightful coughs to death a while ago havoc dread all over my system! The tears on the side of his eyes told me he was fighting for it! Ang pag- aalala ko kanina... ang pangamba... my conscience... and the relief now! I want these all to be given some justice and ease my tension!
"I regret calling you Noah!"
That line triggered him to step closer to me. "Unbelievable," he hissed.
"Pinagsisisihan ko! If only I knew you don't easily find control to react, hindi ka pa sana nabulunan, 'di ba! You scared me to death! And you disallowing me to pat you a blow earlier wasn't helping! You will never understand the fear you brought me!"
I'm shaking. Just going back to the fear I utmost feel just this hour.
His jaw is clenching damn hard but I remained on. Hindi ako nagpaawat. "You fucking cried last night asking me the name I called you a million times! Tapos ngayon na tinatawag kita, ganito naman pala ang mangyayari! What if the reason wasn't just only a coffee? We're fucking eating a toasted bread, Third!"
I remember na ayos na nga pala siya kanina at muntik lang mabulunan sa French toast. Dahil pagkaahon ko sa pagkakapulot ng fork, pag- inom niya naman ng coffee ang bumungad sa 'kin.
"But fuck me! It was still plainly my fault! Ikaw kasi! Why happened there's no shit... life at stake happenings like this... when it's you who teases and play! Why is it that when it's my time... things bend to be serious and complicated! Can't I do the fun you do?!"
I don't know if any of this makes sense! But I'm so much frustrated I'd be gone crazy if he wasn't gonna hear this!
"Get a grip, Avi." He found a way to control himself.
"How on earth I'll be calm if you easily get over it! Ganoon nalang 'yon? Does everything... my fear, my worries, my care for you doesn't mean to you? I was so freaking worried and you're like telling me how could you take a walk in the park and invalidate my weakness spot for you-"
I stopped when he pulled me for a.. kiss. A kiss where he gives emphasis to whatever it is he's furious about. I angrily pushed him.
"What the fuck, Third!"
I couldn't oppose more when he pushed me without notice and ravished my lips once more. He seized my legs to put me on top of the kitchen bench. I lost the strength to pull back.
"As if telling me an insult to how fucking kid I could be whenever I hear you calling me Noah," gigil niyang sabi. His lips want to travel.
"That is... how you can mess me up in an instant, Avi." He kissed my jaw up to my chin. "That is... how much I love you."
"Third.." I weakly warned. My heart's mercilessly beating in my chest.
"And now you refuse to call me Noah." He leaned back his head to watch me.
I half-heartedly look at him. At his moistened lips.
My eyes watered. Fuck.. I am now looking at Third just how I looked at him when my feet were under the sand. I'm looking at him as if I hear the waves thumping on the ground. I am looking at him as I remember the reflection of the sun on his eyes. Fuck.. the frustration! Fuck this. I'm tired of this everything... I feel like I was back again... Back again on the sea... Back again under the sun. Back again to the memories with him.
For about no one knows how long we've been kissing, I slowly opened my eyes. It opened and met the hazel one. It stopped. I stopped. I stepped back.
And I pushed Third.
We're both panting while looking at each other. Nag- iwas ng tingin si Third at mas lumayo pa na parang bigla- bigla na lang napaso sa 'kin.
"Fuck. I'm sorry."
Before he could turn his back on me, he made patience with how we fucked things up by holding me carefully to get off the kitchen bench. Mabilis niya rin akong binitawan at iniwasan pagkatapos noon. Inayos ko ang mukha at sarili ko.
The eyes... His hazel eyes. I could still see his eyes.
What the hell has just happened. What fucking did I do...
Nagkamalay lang ako when the chair on my back vibrated a sound. Nasundan ko si Third na nagsusuot ng sapatos sa receiving area. Gusto kong mataranta pero hindi ko na magawa. The two of us were silent and no one has ever the intention to break it. When he stood up properly, I still don't know what to say. It means he's about to leave.
And I was right.
"I should go home," he said without looking at me.
He's neglecting to look at me even once. It's just so obvious. I did wrong but it hurts.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. I silently nod my head even though I know he wasn't looking and seeing me.
"Ingat ka," the small gasp and chisel in my voice stated I'm near to cry.
I thought he'll come. I thought he was going to stop. I'm sure he heard me about to sob and I thought he was going to hug me and comfort me. And then we're going to talk... Pero... hindi. Aalis siya... Mas lalo lang akong nasasaktan ngayon.
"I'm leaving," sabi niya bago lumabas at hinila ang door handle.
Right there, I bent down to where I'm standing and successively released all the weeping cries I'd been holding back at his sight.
What have I done?
The thought of answering my own question repeatedly consumed my day. I can't even touch my belly without sobbing. I can't even look at it thinking my baby was there when I had my betrayal. I can't look at it thinking it was just right there when I broke my promise to my love who possessed the hazel eyes.
I don't want to rebuke anyone and more reasons but myself. It wasn't Third, it wasn't his fault. Ako ang may kasalanan. Tama ba naman na inawat ko nga siya pero hindi nagawang pigilang ng buo? I sent myself instead of stopping him more. I sent myself instead of keeping things right and in control. Masiyado akong nagpadala na hindi nagawang isipin ang kahahantungan ng lahat. I know... I know it's my fault. Bumalik na naman ako. I was drowned again with everything that's collecting me to be overwhelmed.
I want to punish myself. But punishing myself means punishing also my child. It weakened my soul and strengthened my conscience more.
Naisip ko tuloy... What if I should have followed Lucas? What if I should've listened to him? What if I should have gotten my ticket firsthand? What if I should've left for home early?
This wouldn't happen at all dahil nararamadaman ko lang naman ang nagawa ko at a time na masaya ako kasama si Third. I came forgetful. I told myself I'm finally okay with the effortless love I have for him, but then, fuck the sun. Fuck the sea. Fuck the memories. Pinapahirapan ako.. I flew yearning for more when I do not think of what clearly was right and what should be in control.
I cried more.
Matagal akong nakatitig sa screen ng phone. My eyes were numb and sore but I still have a life to continue work.
From: Dad
You told me you'll call this day? Is everything alright?
I dried my tears and forced myself to compose a convincing reply to Dad, assuring him I'm all okay. I promised him last night I'll make a call for him. We only had a handful of times of talks when I got here at ramdam kong ikinakatampo niya 'yon. Hindi niya lang sinasabi dahil alam niya at naiintidihan niya ang situation ko here.
I didn't know what to say because it was hard to keep up with my mood, but I can't make Dad worry more.
To: Dad
Sorry, dad. Ran out of battery lang kasi whole day kami sa labas ni Third. But I'm okay, and I'm happy. I can't wait to go home and I promise you I'll make up for all the conversations we missed once I'm finally there. I love you and take care.
I wiped another form of tears again. I'm so guilty to talk about my love for Lucas after what I have done. Kung hindi lang kailangan... Dad knew me, even memorized me more than Mom after years of battling with one another. Magtataka siya.. kung hindi ko ikakamusta sa message si Lucas.
To: Dad
How's my Lucas? Look after him, kay? Tell him I miss him and love him. I'll both see you very soon. Kiss mo po ako sa kaniya hahaha.
I cover my mouth to contain my sobs.
God, forgive me.
I have no appetite to do my dinner pero sinikap ko pa rin na magluto. Pinilit ko rin ang saili kong ubusin ang pagkain ko. I got my vitamins after and bring a glass of milk to bed.
Nakatulala lang ako sa ceiling when my phone rings. It's a phone call from Lucas.
I breathed in and out, composing myself before trying to answer the call. Hindi ako matapos- tapos sa paghahanda sa sarili ko hanggang sa namatay na ang unang tawag.
Ganoon ulit ang nangyari sa pangalawa. I pinched my hand and was able to answer the third call.
"Hello?"
"Bakit ang tagal mong sumagot?" Lucas asked lifelessly. As if he was never really interested to hear if I'm going to answer his concern.
"I... just came out from the shower," I answered.
"Gabi na d'yan ng ganitong oras, ah?" Doon lang siya parang nagkamalay.
Pumikit ako nang mariin. "Oh... yeah. Hindi naman ako nagbasa ng buhok ko at chest. I just wiped my arm and legs..." palusot ko na hindi rin naman totoo dahil hindi ako nakaligo ngayong araw.
He didn't answer. All I could hear was his tired breathing.
"Kumusta ka? Nasa planta ka pa ba?"
"Nasa bahay," maikli niyang sagot.
"Bahay.. natin?"
"Namin," segunda niya. "I'm staying here for a week now."
I smiled a little. "I bet Nico's having fun while you're still there."
I can't help but chuckle a little. His younger brother, Nico, who just turned seven a month ago is really fond of him... and me, of course. Ang makulit na batang 'yon, sobrang miss ko na talaga.
"You shouldn't tell him I have many pasalubongs for him dahil hindi ka no'n titigilan sa-"
"How are you doing there?" He cut my excitement to talk about Nico. I bit my lip. This is disturbing.
"Okay naman..." was all I could say.
"Mabuti," sagot niya.
This was something Lucas and I weren't familiar with. Cold and distant kahit sa tawag na nga lang. Wala naman akong masabi pa dahil ako ang gumusto nito. And I understand how he took his say on it. Mapilit nga ako, 'di ba?
And to what happened between Third and me... It's selfish. But I don't think I could ever confess it to Lucas. Ang alam ko lang ngayon, kung sasabihin ko sa kaniya.. hindi sa ganito. We're far away from each other to trust and hold on to explanations.
"Matulog ka na. May kailangan pa 'kong gawin," paalam niya pagkaraan nang mahabang katahimikan. The call' highilight was just hearing each other's sighs after one question and one answer.
"Okay. I love-"
I feel like he has the right to be this rude. Umiyak na lang ulit ako nang namatay na ang line ng call, without us saying a proper goodbye.
I'm not just a sinner. I'm defeated, and again... ruined.