Song recommendation: Angel Down by Lady Gaga
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I've always said that being a pessimist is the easy way out in life. If you expect the worst, it dilutes the impact of the worst when it actually arrives.
Of all the times where I've thought the worst was on the horizon, it turned out to be no more than a bump in the road. Working with Niall? Didn't turn out so bad. Being the only female detective? I made it work. Going undercover in the mafia? Not the best, but it definitely could be worse. So, does my theory of pessimism really work? Or were those instances just disguised as the worst case scenarios?
Time to find out.
When I saw my last name on that file, my brain wasn't quite sure how to react. I had that feeling, you know the one. Where you've just heard the worst news, and a wave of complete and utter dread washes over you, leaving you paralyzed. My heart fluttered, adrenaline coursed through my veins, and I immediately felt my chest tighten. Why did Julian have this document, and what was the outcome of the mission?
I knew the answer to one of those questions.
This mundane piece of cream coloured cardstock was my confirmation that my family was involved with the Court of Four Thorns. I'd always had my suspicions, but part of me didn't want to believe it. If my parents were dead, I wanted the car wreck to have been an accident, but that seems unlikely now that I knew someone had been watching them. The car wreck was planned. If my parents and brother were dead, then it wasn't an accident, it was a murder.
If my family was being watched, what if the organization knew about me? They must have. If they knew where my parents and brother were located, they had to have known me as a child. That raised another set of questions.
Why did they spare me, do they recognize me now, and if they do, why haven't they killed me yet?
I had these heavy questions swarming my brain like a hive of furious hornets. I was waiting for them to sting, maybe I'd finally get an answer from them. It was paralyzing. I couldn't move from my spot on the floor of the office. I could barely remember to breathe. Everything that had previously been involuntary, now felt like I needed to force it to happen. If I didn't tell my heart to beat, I'm sure it would've stopped.
When my sanity came back to me, when the hornets finally quieted down a little, I took a shaky breath through my mouth, and brought my hand away from Niall's hair. I looked to our bag of sickness supplies, then to the file in my hand, and back to the bag. This was going to be a risky decision, but it was necessary. Selfish sure, but sometimes it's okay to be selfish. This was a situation where I needed to know what happened. Gran would've wanted me to steal the file.
So I did.
I stuffed it in the bag without waking up Niall or Harry. Nobody would know. I needed this file.
Then, by that point in the night, we were done. We could go back home.
"Niall." I dragged my fingernails gently across the back of his neck. "Babe." No response. The cough syrup made him such a heavy sleeper. "Nialler." I hummed, touching his cheek softly.
His eyes fluttered open, looking up into mine.
"You're done?" He asked in a sleepy voice.
"Mhm." I nodded, moving a piece of hair away from his forehead. "How are you feeling?"
"Sick." He sniffled. "But I'll never complain about waking up to this." He smiled.
I kissed his forehead, trying to ignore the impending sense of dread that had settled in the depths of my stomach.
"We should get back up to bed." I told him.
"Up to bed?" He smirked, a flash of excitement appearing in his eyes.
"So that I can sleep." I shut down any ideas he might've had. I was sick, could you even imagine how uncomfortable that would be? Snot everywhere.
"Yeah I guess so." He nodded before sitting up with a groan. "Sorry I fell asleep on you, I should've helped." He apologized, running a hand through his hair. I couldn't help but admire how good he looked after he woke up. His eyes were tired, and his hair was messy, but I knew how cuddly he would be once we got upstairs, and that was precisely what I needed.
"It's okay." I shook my head, brushing off his apology. "It was pretty easy once you weren't awake to distract me."
"I distract you?" He raised an eyebrow, not believing what I said.
"It's becoming a problem." I nodded with wide eyes. "You're going to have to get less attractive or else I don't think we'll be able to work together."
"This is about as ugly as I get." He gestured to himself. "I'm sick, stressed, and sleep deprived."
"I guess I'll have to start looking for a new desk mate because even now I can barely take my eyes off of you." I tilted my head.
"You're awfully appreciative of me today. How much cough syrup have you had?" He squinted.
"Not as much as you'd think." I sighed. "I just feel like you could use the extra compliments." I took his hand. "You've been through a lot."
"Not as much as you." He shook his head.
"Don't make this about me."
"I'm not. I'm just saying-"
"You're dismissing your feelings." I cut him off. "Don't. I'm here for you if you need to talk, okay?"
"Okay." He nodded. "Thank you." He brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles. "Same to you firefly. Don't keep hiding your feelings from me."
Oh god I had to tell Niall.
I'll wait until we're in bed.
"Okay." I whispered. "Let's get out of here."
We left the sorted files, woke up Harry, and sent him back to the Roach's. By the time Niall and I got back to our wing, that terrifying, gut-wrenching feeling was back, and I wasn't getting rid of it any time soon.
"Oh I'm so happy to be back in bed." Niall slid into bed beside me, already sneaking his way onto my side of the bed. He immediately latched onto my waist, laying his head on my chest, sniffling, but breathing slowly. He fiddled with the buttons holding my pyjama shirt closed. I knew that if we'd both been feeling better, he would've been trying to undo those buttons. But not tonight. I had bigger things to worry about than my sex life.
I had to figure out how to tell Niall about my parents. I still didn't really have the words to explain it to myself. How was I supposed to tell him that the whole case could be thrown out the window, and it was all my fault? I decided that instead of telling him, I would show him.
As Niall placed lazy kisses on my collar bones, I picked up the file that I'd dropped on my nightstand. He didn't seem to notice at first, since he was so focused on how his lips pressed softly onto my skin. I brought the file in front of me, there was no way he would miss it.
"Baby..." He hummed in protest.
"What?" I used my free hand to play with the tufts of brown hair that were sticking up from his head.
"Put your book down, turn the light off. It's past midnight." He said quietly.
"I'm busy." I shook my head, hoping it would spark his curiosity.
"You're sick. Just stop working for once and cuddle with me." He complained, making me feel guilty about not just telling him with my words, but I couldn't. I had no words to describe what was happening and what I was feeling.
"In a little bit. I just have to do this." I told him.
"Do what?" He finally turned his head to look at the file. "What could you possibly... Ophelia." His words trailed off.
I couldn't speak. The pure terror of the situation was enough to mute me.
"What is that?" He sat up, moving away from me to grab his glasses from his nightstand. He put on the lenses and moved closer again. "Can I read it?" He looked at me, asking permission.
I nodded, and passed the file over.
"Locate the Carter family." Niall read aloud. "If they do not comply... eliminate?"
He looked at me in shock, in confusion, in horror.
"Where did you find this?" He questioned.
"Julian." I whispered.
"Phil-"
Before he could finish his sentence, I started crying. The way he looked at me, the heaviness of the situation was too much on my heart. It felt like there was a vice clamped onto my chest, and with every breath I took, it tightened, squeezing my chest, restricting my movements. I couldn't help myself. I knew I was safe with Niall in our little space. I could cry to him.
"Oh sweetheart." He took my hand in his, kissing my hand, holding it close to him because he saw how restricted I felt. If he would've hugged me, I would've cried harder. The vice would clamp yet again.
"I'm sorry." I tried to speak through my sobs, but it came out as a muffled, sniffly, mess.
"There's nothing to be sorry about." He shook his head frantically. "This isn't your fault Philly."
"It feels like it is." My body convulsed with sadness. "I should've known." My voice was becoming more clear as I spoke. "I should've known from the very beginning that if I had an ulterior motive, then I'm not the right person to have on this case. Styles could've done this on his own, I should never have come here."
"Styles asked for you personally. He needed you here." Niall told me. "Having your family involved is risky, yes, but you're our best detective and this case couldn't be solved without you okay? This is not something to be ashamed of."
I lowered my eyes. No matter what he said, it wouldn't change the uncertainty that I felt deep in my heart.
"Niall what if they're actually... what if they're gone?" My voice wavered, choking on tears.
He looked at me, thinking about the best way to comfort me. He always knew how to.
"They're never really gone, Ophelia." He told me, the warm light of the lamp washed over his face, softening his features, making him look like the embodiment of comfort itself.
"How can you say that?" I shook my head. "If they're gone, they're gone. And if their ghosts are somewhere beyond earth, what difference does that make to me? If they could've shown themselves to me, they would've. So if they're gone, they're gone."
"That's not true." He assured me.
"How can you sound so genuine while you lie to me?" I looked at him sadly, wishing he would just tell me to get over it and go to sleep.
"Because it's true. It's scientifically backed up actually."
Of course it is.
"Every atomic element that we know of currently, except for hydrogen and helium, was formed in the bellies of the earliest stars in the universe." He explained, he started rambling, like he did when he got scientific. "Everything that affects us in our daily lives was created by the stars. Including me, including you, and your entire family. The law of conservation of mass states that matter cannot be created, nor destroyed. So everything that is, is also everything that ever was, and ever will be. Your family isn't gone, they're just... around."
I looked at him in awe. Niall just proved to me that my family might just be a cloud of particles, floating around in the vacuum of space. But they could still be gone, they would still be gone for the rest of my life. If they were really dead, then I would never have a mother to comfort me when I cry, I'd never have a father to walk me down the aisle, and I'd never have a brother to seek advice from. Even if their atoms were still floating around, a cloud of particles was not a family.
"Niall, it's very possible that my entire family is dead." I sighed. "I might really be alone. I could be the only living descendant of my bloodline."
"If it makes you feel any better, at least you'll be able to continue the bloodline some day, if that's what you choose to do in the future." He told me. "I mean, the father would have some part in it, but they'd still be partly a Carter. So you won't be the last."
"I think we have to get out of here first before we start thinking about that." I laughed softly.
Niall didn't laugh with me. I was waiting to hear the light sound of his laugh, but it never came. I looked at him to see his face washed with a shocked expression. His eyes were shining, his jaw was dropped, and slowly, but surely his lips turned upwards, in a smile.
"What?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "Did I say something funny?"
"You said 'we'." He grinned.
"'We' what?" I shook my head, not catching on to what he was saying.
"You said that we would be thinking about that. We."
"Oh." My eyes widened in horror. "I'm so sorry, I didn't even think about that. It was just habit, I don't know I'm-"
"It's a habit?" He looked like he couldn't contain his joy. "You think about this stuff?"
"I mean... not often, but I have thought about it." I nodded, feeling myself get warm. This was so embarrassing.
"You've thought about it... with me?" He looked hopeful.
"I... oh my god Niall." I shoved my head in my hands, shaking my head.
"I'm sorry hun." He put a hand on my back. "Don't be embarrassed. I've thought about it too."
"You have?" I looked up at him.
"Yeah." He nodded, reassuring me that I wasn't crazy. "I'm in this for the long run. I was just praying that you were too."
"I... I am." I whispered. "I'm in this for the long run."
"So then what's all this worrying about?" He brought me in close to him, letting me rest my head on his shoulder. "If your family happens to be gone, we'll get through it together."
"My family isn't gone Niall." I whispered to him.
"What do you mean?" He looked down at me.
"You're right here." I couldn't raise my voice more than a mutter.
"Philly..." He sounded like he was tearing up. He wrapped both arms around me, holding me close.
It was true. Niall had been more of a family to me than anybody I shared DNA with, and that was sad, but also equally beautiful. I knew I could confide in him, but a biological family would always be nice too.
Niall was the first to fall asleep. I told him he could. He'd been pestering me to fall asleep too, but I told him that I'd had some thinking to do. He finally gave in and drifted off. Usually, I was the one who cuddled up to him. He liked to be able to hold me, but tonight he passed out with his head on my chest, listening to my heartbeat. I loved it.
I was still awake, and I couldn't think about my family anymore. I just looked at Niall. My space boy. There were so many things I wanted to tell him, but my embarrassment got in the way. I didn't want to sound cheesy, so I kept my thoughts to myself.
Maybe tonight while he was sleeping, I'd finally speak up.
I'd take some extra precautions too. Just in case he heard me.
"C'est difficile de trouver les mots pour décrire ce que je ressens pour toi." I whispered, twirling a piece of his hair between my fingers. " Il est difficile de trouver les mots pour décrire ce que je ressens pour toi. Je souhaite que j'étais aussi bon d'une personne que vous êtes mon amour. La mission de ma vie était d'être quelqu'un qui était bon, qui protégeait les gens et faisait de la ville un meilleur endroit où vivre, mais je suis incroyablement égoïste. Vous êtes le vrai héros de ce monde, Niall Horan. Tu es mon héros et j'espère que tu ne l'oublieras jamais. Je t'aime à chaque battement de mon cœur fragile. Je t'aimerai aussi longtemps qu'il le faudra pour visiter toutes les étoiles de l'univers, et vice-versa. Mon cœur t'appartient, pour toujours et au-delà. Même lorsque nous ne sommes qu'un nuage de matière flottant dans l'espace et le temps, je pense que nos molécules resteront ensemble. Parce que l'univers sait, et il écoute. Cela t'a amené à moi, et je remercierai les étoiles tous les soirs pour mon garçon de l'espace. Je vous aime. Je te protégerai de tout mal."
"Are you sleep-frenching?" I heard him mutter.
Obviously he'd woken up.
"It means I love you." I whispered to him, holding back a laugh because of his silly mannerisms.
"I love you too firefly, but would you please try to get some sleep?"
"Yeah, I will." I slid down so that my head was comfortably on the pillow, and my face was in line with Niall's. I could now peacefully go to sleep.
What Niall had heard me say, sounded like a bunch of gibberish to him, and everyone else who doesn't speak French, but what I really said was something I wouldn't have been able to say in english. I wasn't usually one for professions of love. I would have been a blushing mess.
But it was how I felt. The raw and honest truth.
"It's hard to find the words to describe how I feel about you. I wish I was as good of a person as you are my love. My life's mission was to be someone who was good, who protected people, and made the city a better place to live in, but I'm so incredibly selfish. You are the real hero in this world Niall Horan. You are my hero, and I hope you never forget that. I love you with every beat of my fragile heart. I will love you as long as it takes to visit every star in the universe, and back. My heart belongs to you, forever and beyond. Even when we're simply a cloud of matter floating through space and time, I believe our molecules will stay together. Because the universe knows, and it listens. It brought you to me, and I will thank the stars every night for my space boy. I love you. I will protect you from all harm."
And he will never know what I said.
The boy looking at me through glassy blue eyes, full of adoration, would never know the words I uttered that night, and that was okay, because I know he could feel it. He could feel my love, even if he couldn't hear it. That was more meaningful to me than a pretty string of words.
Despite being ill, despite my personal worries, the show must go on.
Harry had invited us to dinner with the Roach's. I felt like Niall and I were an afterthought, but frankly, that was alright with me. Harry was working ahead with the Roach's, since being with Dani was giving him leverage with the family. I was growing increasingly worried about Harry and Daniella's relationship and how I was going to spare it in the end. If Dani had truthfully never done anything wrong, then it should all technically work out. The only thing that bothered me was that Harry was lying to her. That wouldn't be something I'd be happy about in a relationship. If Niall was actually a criminal with a wife and seven kids, I would probably leave him. I was scared for Harry, because I knew he was in love with her.
Niall and I sat in silence as we watched the Roach's have deep political conversations. Yes, they sounded intelligent, but holy shit their takes were awful.
I didn't care though, all I could focus on was Lucille sitting across the table from me, shooting death glares in my direction. Why was she mad at me?! I wasn't the one who assaulted my boyfriend!
Her icy green eyes burned into my soul, almost warning me to run for the hills.
Absolutely not.
I wasn't going anywhere. I was staying until I saw her evil face behind bars.
Niall was trying his best to hold himself together, and I saw that. He sat beside me, completely still, not saying a single word, staring down at his food. I felt horrible that he had to be there. I'd told him before we left that we could've used the sickness as an excuse, but he assured me that he wanted to be there, and that we needed to carry on with the case.
I couldn't outright comfort him in this situation. I couldn't hug him and tell him everything would be alright, not just because there were people around, but because I couldn't assure him that everything would be alright, I didn't know, and it was horrible. All I did was lay a hand on his leg, letting him know that I was still there. He raised his eyes to meet mine. I didn't have to make any expressions. He knew what I wanted to say to him, and I knew what he was communicating to me. Perks of being a detective, no words needed.
"Arabella you went to finishing school correct?" Florence Roach grabbed my attention. I hadn't been active in the conversation before.
"I did." I nodded, pulling my gaze away from Niall for a moment. "In France actually."
"See Daniella, I told you that you should've gone. It would've been so good for you. You'd be so polite like Arabella." Florence shook her head in disappointment.
"Grandmother I've told you, I feel as though I've learned my manners growing up, therefore the purpose of finishing school is void." Daniella replied kindly. I know she wanted to argue though.
"You didn't have a debut, you didn't go to finishing school, and you've decided to travel instead of staying here and settling down." Florence's tone was getting more and more threatening. "You could've done something for your reputation."
"It's the twenty-first century grandmother. Respectfully, I don't think things need to be done as traditionally as they once were. I don't think I've turned out to be a disaster. I've seen the world, I've helped out around home, and I've already found the love of my life." She glanced at Harry, whose eyes were shining with pride for his young girlfriend. "I think I can speak for a lot of us young people when I say that we should be treated with a bit more respect."
"Daniella, you astonish me." Florence turned red with anger. "You have no idea..."
I tuned out the conversation as I noticed Niall's expression change. His eyes weren't focused on the people talking. He was zeroed in on Isaac Roach. I didn't know why, since Isaac wasn't doing anything strange. He was simply fidgeting with a ring, tapping it on the table, spinning it, and flipping it. I tried to study Niall's expression to make out some of his thoughts, but I truly had no idea what he was doing.
I tapped on his thigh softly. He didn't pull his gaze away, but he put his hand on top of mine, stopping the tapping as if he were trying to focus on something.
That's what he was doing.
He noticed a puzzle, and he was trying to put it together. The gears were turning.
I looked at Isaac, but I couldn't figure out what Niall had noticed. There was nothing abnormal about what Isaac was doing. He was quietly trying to avoid the argument between his niece and mother. Maybe Niall was just freaking out because of Lucille, who might as well have had snakes for hair. Fucking medusa bitch.
Suddenly, Niall interrupted the ongoing debate on Daniella's future.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but you'll have to excuse me. I'm feeling ill." He stood from the table as everyone went silent.
He walked off, out of the dining hall. I didn't know what was happening. Harry subtly shot me a look. I projected my words through my eyes, since we couldn't outright communicate with each other. I raised my eyebrows slightly, pulling the corners of my mouth backwards, indicating a shrug, but I didn't move my shoulders.
Suddenly I felt a buzz from my phone in the pocket of my black jumpsuit. Niall was texting me. I gave Harry the subtlest nod. I had it covered.
"Arabella is Nathan alright?" Lucille asked me.
Shut up bitch.
"We've both been pretty sick for the past few days." I told the whole table. "I hope he doesn't have a stomach virus. Poor love."
"Bella, you should probably check on him." Harry suggested just as I wanted him to.
"I wouldn't want to leave dinner. I'm sure he has it under control." I played it off. I needed one of the Roach's to dismiss me, so it wasn't both of us leaving voluntarily. If I planned this out right, then one of them should speak up. It's how humans work. I was good at this. I could predict a conversation like this from miles away.
"No Bella." Dani shook her head. "Don't worry about us. You should make sure he's okay."
Thank you Daniella. I love you. I appreciate you. You are the best.
"Okay." I gave in, nodding. Secretly celebrating the success of my improvised plan. "Don't eat dessert without me." I grinned, standing, and placing my napkin beside my plate.
I made eye contact with Harry before walking away. When I circled around him, he was holding a thumbs up behind his chair.
Thanks H.
I rushed out of the dining hall. I checked my phone. The text read:
'In the powder room. Need you here now. Big lead.'
I put my phone back in my pocket and walked to the powder room underneath the stairs. The door was locked. I thought before I knocked. How would he know it was me? I couldn't just announce it out loud. There were servants flying up and down the stairs. I decided to use morse code. We both knew it.
I knocked a few times on the door. I spelled out my name.
P-H-I-L-L-Y.
I waited a moment, then the door unhinged, I saw Niall's arm reach out, and pull me into the tiny powder room. It was barely big enough for one person, nevermind both Niall and I. I was pressed up against him as he closed the door swiftly.
"What's wrong?" I whispered urgently. Niall looked like he was about to bounce off the walls.
"I have a lead." He said excitedly, but he kept his volume down. "I have a huge fucking lead Philly girl!" He grabbed my shoulders, indicating how proud he was of himself. I could see the excitement growing in his eyes. He was so close to me, I could barely focus on anything else. I could feel my cheeks flushing while he smiled.
"W-what is it?" I stumbled on my words.
"Isaac Roach was speaking in code." He told me, keeping his grip on my shoulders.
"What? What kind of code?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "How? To whom?" I had a flurry of questions.
"Slow down. I'll explain." He chuckled at my curiosity, my need to know everything.
"Okay." I took a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment. "I'm good. I'm calm."
That was a lie. My heart was beating at a million pulses per second. Niall was pressed up against me, I could feel his breath on my forehead. But I had to stay focused on what was happening. We had a lead.
"He was talking to Pierre, his father. He was using his ring as a device for communication." He explained. "I tried to translate myself, but it was nothing I've ever seen before."
"So then how are we going to figure out what it is?" I frowned, not at Niall, but because my brain was so fogged that I couldn't find a solution.
"I have a guy." He smirked. "He wears tight pants and collects coloured hair ties."
"Harry?" I laughed. "What?"
"This idiot is so good at getting out of shit. Ever been in a locked room with him?"
Surprisingly, yes I had, but Niall didn't know about that. Harry had gotten us out with a hair pin.
"He can figure out any code. Locks, verbal, symbolic, anything." Niall shook his head in astonishment. "In middle school I made up this code that I used to write notes to this girl I had a crush on. Harry figured it out in five minutes. From that point forward, Styles was my code guy. We made up so many languages. He knows how to make them, so he knows how to crack them."
"That's perfect." My eyes lit up with excitement. "That's fucking perfect! We have a lead!"
"We've got Julian by the throat, Harry can deal with Isaac, Which leaves you and I with the McBride's and Arellano's." He explained.
"I'll take Winston McBride."
"And I'll have Romano Arellano."
"So what happens after that?" I wondered.
"We gain their trust, get them all in the same place, a place where they'll never suspect anything, we send for Payne and Malik. We get backup, we tell them the time and place, then boom." He clapped his hands together. "We storm."
"Then it's done?" I asked, thinking it was too good to be true.
"Then it's done." His face broke out into a grin. "We're so close firefly. So close."
"I can't believe it." I shook my head in disbelief. "Niall, I can see the end."
"We'll get out of here, and we'll have the rest of our lives to just... be us." He looked like he was tearing up.
"We won't have to hide." My breath let out from my chest, the smile on my face making me feel like I could fly. "We can date normally. We can just start over and be a normal couple."
"We can do whatever you want darling." A happy tear fell from his eye. "We can do it."
"We can do it." I nodded.
He pulled me in for a celebratory kiss. It was one of the happiest moments I've had in a while. For the past few months, it's seemed like the case was falling flat, and there was no end in sight. But here we were, because of this genius I called my lover. Things were getting lighter. The end was near.
All that we needed was for this plan to go smoothly.
Our first bump was the text I got on my phone when I was in bed that night.
Gorilla: Isaac Roach. Bad news. Very dangerous.
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Hello lovely Angel readers :)
Wow holy crap have I been going through it this week. School is starting back up this week and I am terrified. I get extremely anxious about going to school, so it's been hard for me to really focus on anything, but I've got all of you guys to help get me through the days and I'm so thankful for that.
That being said, updates might begin to come slower since I'll be back to my busy schedule. But that just means we get to spend longer with Philly and the gang. Patience young grasshoppers. Learn it.
I have also been feeling a little off with the story lately, but I'm actually really proud of this chapter and I hope you guys are still enjoying everything. I get way to over critical of my writing sometimes lol.
Anyway, this was a long author's note, but I think I'll start doing them more often.
Thank you for reading,
All my love always,
-kallie <3