And now, with this final, poignant letter from Chen Nian to Zheng Yi.
Officer Zheng:
Hi.
In the blink of an eye, four years has passed.
Lifting my pen, I've come to a realisation that I have no idea what to say.
I've been performing well academically, and am currently enrolled in a Master's Degree Programme.
The reason why I'm writing this letter, is because Officer Xiao Yao had told me, that in order for Bei Ye to leave Xi Cheng for Hong Kong whilst he was still on parole, I would have to furnish some form of documentary evidence in order to prove that both Bei Ye and I possess optimistic and motivated attitudes. I'm not sure whether this letter is sufficient to constitute the required documentary proof.
I didn't manage to catch you when I returned to Xi Cheng to pick Bei Ye up on the day of his release from prison. I understand from Officer Xiao Yao that you happened to be in Beijing that day for work meetings.
On the topic of welcoming Bei Ye home from prison, a minor incident occurred on the day of his release. When Bei Ye emerged from the prison compound, he was completed empty-handed; he didn't have a single cent or item on him, other than the clothes which he was wearing at that point in time. I was extremely nervous then, as I was worried that the clothes which I purchased for him wouldn't fit him properly, but the clothes surprisingly fit him like a glove. I suggested burning his prison uniform in order for him to be rid of his bad luck, but Bei Ye gently refused my suggestion.
He said, that he would never ever burn or destroy, any other clothes in the future.
He even told me, that even if we were to burn his prison uniform, we would never be able to burn, or truly eradicate, what he had done, and where he had been.
I told him, that that's fine.
Although two months has passed since Bei Ye's release from prison, I can still recall and visualize every single detail about that very day. It is as though Bei Ye had just been released from prison only yesterday; and yet, I have already received multiple calls from Officer Xiao Yao urging me to submit documentary evidence in relation to Bei Ye. Since the documentary evidence would, in any event, be submitted to you for your review, and must showcase both normalcy, and a positive, motivated attitude (on both Bei Ye's and my part), I thought it would be easiest to write you a letter.
You've continuously written to me since we parted several years ago. And, Officer Zheng, although I've never told you so, I am, in actuality, extremely grateful for your letters – because you never ever failed to include updates about Bei Ye and his life in prison in your letters. I was always concerned that Bei Ye would be selective when writing to me, and report only good news (whilst omitting the bad) in order to ease my worries. It was only when I received your letters that I could rest assured.
The reason why I never ever replied your letters prior to this, was simply because, I didn't want to speak to you. I knew that you were helping Luo Ting and her friends, and I found myself unable to accept the injustice of it all – why weren't you able to stop Wei Cai earlier? And why, after all that has come to pass, did you decide to help Luo Ting and her friends receive a lighter punishment?
Luo Ting and her friends have been afforded fresh opportunities and chances to reform time and again – but, what about the pain, the suffering, and the horror that Bei Ye and I went through?
Four years ago, on the night I was trampled, crushed, and bullied, I experienced, for the first time in my life, intense hatred. I hated that city. I hated every single person that was born in that city – including you, including my mother who had no choice but to live and work in another city, including me (the me who was tirelessly strove to mature and grow into a stronger person, and yet, constantly failed at every turn), and including my opponents who, despite being the same age as me, were scarier than adults, as they were inexplicably granted the protection, and the right, to undertake actions that hurt, and injured, others.
But, somehow, the intense, all-consuming roller coaster of emotions which I felt that night, gradually cooled, and I am now no longer capable of naming and describing in detail, the emotions that were coursing through me at that precise moment in time. The passage of time has allowed me to gradually heal my wounds, and granted me the luxury to sieve out all my negative memories; I originally thought that whenever I recalled my time in Xi Cheng, I would see nothing but sorrow and desperation, and yet, looking back now, the only things that stand out in my memories are – the lush mulberry trees, the gentle glow of the road lamps in the evening, the solitary swing, the elaborate flower ear cuffs, the dried plums, the sweet gummy bears, and the heavenly scent of freshly baked bread in the evening.
Or perhaps, another possible reason for my ability to gradually let my bitterness and hatred go, was because on that very night, I slept on Bei Ye's bed, in his embrace – by encircling me with his arms, and embracing me that night, Bei Ye helped to shoulder a good half of the pain and torment I felt. Yes, I felt it that night – Bei Ye helped to share (and relieve me from) at least half of my anguish. But, none of you would ever be able to truly understand the experience which Bei Ye and I shared.
This unique experience is something which belongs solely to us – Bei Ye and I.
I've actually begun my journey of gradually erasing Luo Ting and her friends from my memories a long time ago; but, my choice to forget, does not equate to forgiveness.
Having studied the subject of Law for so many years, I've seen my fair share of the justice that Law is able to achieve; and, also, the injustices that inadequate Laws fail to right.
There was a class that I attended, which discussed the topic of the commission of crime by juvenile offenders. The professor facilitating the discussion was of the view, that an overemphasis on retributive justice (such that the offender undergoes the exact same amount of suffering inflicted by the offender on its victims) may result in excessive punishment being imposed onto the offenders, and the corrosion of the basis of the law. My professor mentioned that this was especially so for juvenile offenders – if juvenile offenders were not afforded an opportunity to redeem themselves, and were instead forced to lose suffer a punishment so immense that it would cause them to lose their entire future, there would be greater tendency for such juvenile offenders to veer off into the wrong path, and morph into serious offenders once they've been discharged – and ultimately, this would be destructive for society.
My professor also emphasised, that the Law was merciful and humane; as such, the Law should serve to maximize the chance of the integration of rehabilitated offenders into society (with such rehabilitated offenders developing into useful members of society) whilst simultaneously ensuring that appropriate and proportionate punishments are meted out to offenders.
I find myself unable to approve of my professor's views, which appears to place too much emphasis on the rehabilitative aspect of the Law.
Simply because, only a portion of offenders will truly rehabilitate and stay on the right path.
But, I am self-contradictory as well, because whenever I think about Bei Ye, all thoughts of retributive justice flies out of the window, and my only hope is that the Law would treat him with greater kindness, greater compassion, and greater leniency.
See – aren't we human beings hypocritical?
Not long ago, I received an apology letter from Luo Ting. Scanning through her letter, I felt extremely calm, and didn't have any particular thoughts about her, or her apology.
I feel that Luo Ting's decision to apologize and mend her ways is a great outcome. But, I've never seriously contemplated whether or not I should choose to forgive her, and what she did to me.
Even now, I continue to feel, that the leniency afforded to people like Luo Ting, is unfair and unjust to victims like me.
But, at the same time, I am also forced to admit, that if, the Law too, is also solely focused on revenge and retaliation, and the joy and elation derived from such vengeance, then the world will be chaotic and terrifying.
I don't wish for that to happen.
I guess, that the current me, has simply found a delicate balance in the two opposing theories of the Law (whether justice should be retributive, or rehabilitative).
When I was young, I always compartmentalized, and segregated, the world into two exclusive groups – if something was not right, then it had to be wrong. There was no middle ground. For instance – if a person displayed a few bad characteristics, then I would view him as an entirely bad person; conversely, if a person showcased a few good characteristics to me, then I would classify him as an entirely good person.
But, as I grew up and encountered an increasing number of people and situations, I have come to the realisation, that humans are the most complex and complicated organism in the natural world. Each human being is multi-faceted, and his or her personality, diverse; he could be hypocritical, yet genuine; he could be evil, yet kind; and he could be ugly, yet beautiful – it was possible for all these characteristics simultaneously co-exist and reside in the same heart.
No, to put it more accurately, it was inevitable, and necessary, that all these characteristics simultaneous co-exist, and reside, in the same heart.
In this vast, wide world, there is no single heart that is filled with solely genuineness, kindness, and beauty; there is no single heart that only possesses good and positive characteristics, without simultaneously possessing the characteristics that are diametrically opposite of such good and positive characteristics.
Such persons, with such one-dimensional hearts, simply do not exist.
With our hearts possessing such conflicting, opposing qualities and values, it is little wonder that our hearts are constantly engaged in struggles in trying to find, and create, an acceptable, fragile, balance.
Just like, how, many, many, years ago, I deliberately mentioned the movie Titanic to Li Xiang, and purposefully brought a knife to my appointment with Wei Cai – I entertained the thought of killing Wei Cai; this is an evil thought.
Just like, how, many, many, years ago, in order to ensure that his impersonation of the raincoat man was complete and perfect, Bei Ye entertained the thought of killing Lai Zi – this is an evil thought. But, when Bei Ye finally met up with Lai Zi, he found himself unable to bring himself to slay Lai Zi, and had, at one point in time, even decided to forsake his plan to murder Lai Zi. By a twist of fate, however, under the influence of alcohol and in a fit of rage, Bei Ye ultimately opted to bring the wrench down on Lai Zi's head.
Yes, we are constantly searching for that fragile balance; sometimes, we fail, and we mistakenly head down the wrong path, and sometimes, even though we've strayed, we still manage to find our way back.
Bei Ye told me that his years in prison were, in actuality, good for him. The judgment and sentence meted out to him really served as a brutal wake-up call for him, and helped to throw the chaotic and directionless manner in which he had led his life up till now, into sharp focus.
Although I remain unsure as to whether Bei Ye was only saying that to comfort me, but I can tell, that the Bei Ye in front of me now has indeed changed, and grown, into a more mature person.
What remains unchanged, however, and continues to remain true for me (whether now, or five years ago), is that I have never met anyone more resilient, or more gentle, than Bei Ye. He is like the sturdy, constant road lamp that gradually lights up in the evening as darkness falls.
There was a period of time when, every single time I thought of him, of him being robbed of his freedom, of him being forced to tread a path filled with never-ending darkness, and of him, despite being thrust into such despairing circumstances, persistently and tirelessly detailing every single bit of beauty and joy in his life in his letters to me – There was a bird that landed on the windowsill outside my cell today, it had such beautiful, vivid green feathers. I discovered a tiny flower that bloomed in the crevices in between the walls today, its petals are colored a soft shade of pink. – every single time such thoughts crossed my mind, I would be seized with an irresistible urge to cry.
How is it possible, that an unfathomably good person such as Bei Ye, exists?
Yesterday, he accompanied me to the piercing shop to get my ears pierced. Whilst we were walking on the street, he suddenly raised his head to gaze at the azure blue sky and said to me, "Little Stutterer, look.
Doesn't that cloud look like a heart?"
Raising my head to gaze at the sky, I replied, "Yes, it does."
The gentle summer breeze was gently brushing against the clouds,
Ah – the cloud now bore greater resemblance to a flower than a heart. Bei Ye chuckled, "Now it looks like the flowers which you drew on your ears on the date of the hearing."
"Yes, it does." I murmured.
There was a a period of time when I subconsciously bore a great amount of resentment against you. But, gradually, I discovered that the root of the problem was never you – rather, it was me.
Every single decision made by a person – the ultimate decision making power, and the responsibility for the making of such decisions, lay with that person, and not with anyone else.
Over the years, I've lost count of the number of times I've wondered – what if, on that very day I stabbed Wei Cai, I didn't turn to Bei Ye, but instead dialed your mobile number and asked you for help? Would things have turned out differently?
If so, could I have spared myself from the crushing fear and and terror that suffocated me throughout the entire summer? Could I have saved myself from the countless number of days and nights which I spent trembling in fright?
And, could I have spared myself and Bei Ye from the hardship and suffering that ensued in the following years?
But, unfortunately, what's done, cannot be undone.
And ultimately, even if we were to reverse the passage of time, my choice would still remain the same – I wouldn't have picked up my mobile phone to ask for your help. I would have chosen, still, to turn to Bei Ye, immediately, without a single moment of hesitation. Because turning to him, is instinct. Because he is the only person in the entire world whom I'm able to trust and rely on, with every single fiber of my being.
We share our joys, and we share our sorrows. We share the light, and we share the darkness.
I remember, that during that period of time, Bei Ye frequently asked me, whether I trusted him.
Of course I did.
Every single time he asked, my trust in him grew stronger, and stronger.
He said I'm not responsible for Wei Cai's death, so I believed that my hands were clean. And it is precisely this belief, and this certainty, in my own innocence, that has granted me the ability to commence, and persevere, in my pursuit of Law.
Never in my entire life, have I encountered someone who protected me as thoroughly as Bei Ye did – he, who protected my heart from being corroded by darkness, and he, who protected my soul, allowing it to remain pure and complete.
But who could have thought, and who could have foreseen – this person, who protected me so thoroughly, and so completely – the suffering, and the ordeals, that he had to go through?
Bei Ye once said, that he hoped that I would be able to comprehend what was meant by the sentence "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." I think, because of Bei Ye, I am finally, gradually, starting to understand.
In one of your letters, you had asked me whether, despite all that I've been through, I continued to believe – in truth, in beauty, in kindness, in goodness, and in trust and belief itself.
Officer Zheng,
I am now able to tell you, that because of Bei Ye, and solely because of Bei Ye, my answer is "Yes".