After an endless amount of trying, I collapsed behind Jungwon as I tried to hide my tears from her and listening to the breathing of the boy before me, I didn't know whether the game would continue or end.
I felt guilt at the fact that I hadn't shed tears for Jungwon's story about his mom. At first, I supposed because I was so used to heartbreak, but I still felt ashamed of myself.
I heard her sigh, acknowledging how much of a disappointment I was for sure. It wasn't just in her eyes, but me to myself that felt it all this time.
After a long exhale from her side, she started it at last, "My worst day was in the prom when Jay scared my date and poured the wine on my gown that night. There are worse things to remember, but for a girl hoping to have at least one good memory from highschool, that was important to me"
There was a silence then, followed by a concerned look of Jungwon to me but I signal him to not cut her off.
"That's why it was a big deal for me, and I was crying and trying to explained to our teacher what happened, but it was so embarassing...", she trailed off as her eyes wander away from us,
"And he just yelled and yelled until I had no choice but to go home after. That was the day I started hating Jay a bit, but I guess it was good for me in a way since that guy turns out to be a jerk, but that night was still awful"
Jungwon, not wanting to make me feel more bad, slightly gesturd to himself, "I'm sorry about that", he said, "but this game was starting to get serious for me"
"How about I start next?", I suggested, finally removing myself from behind him.
I knew in my heart that it was bad for me to look back at that prom, but trying to forget them was harder than anything.
And if she would be willing to know, I overheard the group of that guy who asked her to be his date from the restroom ahead of the prom night. He was talking about how it would just be easy to drug her drink before he will try to get her alone in his car.
Long story short, I subtly riled him up when the day happens and because Allan makes him out as one of the people offending him, they helped me get rid of him in the gym school.
As they enjoyed scaring him at the parking lot, I took my chance for her to notice me and I knew it wasn't nice, I was wrong to pour the drinks on her but at least it was worth it, I got her attention and she was probably the prettiest girl there.
I think I was planning to ask her on a dance if she had not avoided me in the first chance.
That's a bullshit reason right there, but I'm ready to make things right now, that is, if I'm still not losing over those guys.
I quickly shut off those thoughts and began to speak, "My worst day is probably the same day as my best. We came from the Ocean land after and my grandpa told me to change. No one is still home that time"
As she listened to me, she lay her hand on her back with her hands locked behind her head. I spoke softly and quietly, but the day was becoming quieter night - the sunlight gone now from the window behind us with the arrival of the night.
They could hear me clearly now.
"I went to my room, and he was in the living room, I guess and then he screamed and I ran out, and he had fallen over the floor", I cut myself off for a while as I waited for them to process it.
Or for me to not cry over that saddest memory of mine.
"He was lying there, holding onto his chest and jerking. And for a six year old kid, I freaked out. I should have called for help, but no one would hear me since the house is so big and the neighbors was too far out of reach"
Jungwon open a coca cola can for me, and handed them to me while she just watched quietly. It was eerie, that he could tell when I needed a drink. We were like an old married couple.
For a moment, I thought, It's massively so awkward to be thinking of this while I'm in the midle of my story, but then the moment of caution passed, and I just made a sincere effort not to cry at the irony of it all.
"I just started screaming and crying until he finally stopped jerking, and I thought he had fallen asleep and whatever had happened is already finished"
I didn't realize how emotional I'm getting until I felt her hand touching mine and she already had left her place in exchange for Jungwon who then left us alone.
She didn't talk for a minute, and then she said, "What more?"
"So I just sat there on the floor with him until my dad got home later and he's trying to give him CPR next, but by then grandpa was already dead"
"It wasn't your fault", she said eventually, holding my eyes when I looked at it, and from her eyes alone, I knew she was being truthful, "You were a little kid. How can your dad blamed your for that?"
For a moment, my features were shattered as I realized I'm opening up to her in a way I never did to anyone else other than Jungwon and it was a terrifying thought.
To be so fully open to a person who could hurt me as well.
"Yeah, I was a little kid, but I can still call for help. And yet, I didn't", I said instantly, sounding so emotionless.
"I'm sorry", she said, her voice so soft to me.
Shaking my head, I moved to retreat from her. I hated when someone spoke to me like that, when they used that tone because all it did was bring back memories that it's better to put behind in the past.
And it only made me hate myself even more because through it all, I was still blaming myself.
I hated that I was too late to react before he died. I resented that memory to such a degree and myself that it brought tears to my eyes.
"Please, Jay, listen to me, it's not your fault", Y/N pleaded to me as she tried to reach out.
"It's too late for that", I shook my head and hurriedly wiped away the unwanter tear that fell down my cheek, "Everything in my family had never been the same after that"
In the long quiet that followed, as I finally let her hug me and she doesn't know that I'm just slowly being more drawn to her.
And with the last measure of my strength before I closed my eyes, I found myself thinking, could this girl stay for me no matter how long I want to?
Without leaving if that friend of hers called to her and she will put me first. That would be a good outcome indeed.
⚋
It was the central of his life. For Jay, that's the way I realized it.
When he cried yesterday and told me that his grandfather died because of him, I knew what he meant now. And when he said that our hometown was never home, I knew what he meant.
It was the everything and the everyone of his life, that day his grandfather died, and so I could not help but imagine it.
I could imagine a six year old Jay, looking down at his grandpa convulsing. So he sat down with him, who I imagined was not breathing but he doesn't know that either.
And in the time before his innocence was tainted with death, a little Jay sat with his grandpa in silence.
For a kid, he must have come to feel powerless. And to be blamed after by his own dad, I could understand now why he become impulsive.
He was scared until now for sure. But more importantly, maybe he's trying to look so brave and be a bully in front of all those people, since he's scared of being paralyzed by fear again.
But I said nothing to him. Not then and not ever. We never said another word about it.
As the night fell fast, I just noticed something and that Park Jay seems to be more attached to me than anything.
So I allowed him until he slept in my arms again and it makes me wonder why you shouldn't judge people based on their exterior appearance.
There's always more than meets the eye.
⚊
Is this an okay chapter?
I really tried to be realistic in this one since I wanted to bring out Jay's past life.