your pov
what.
where are you ?
who are you ?
your phone.
check your phone.
that should be able to tell you.
looking.
and looking.
ah.
the notes app had a summary of a person .
not you.
this wasn't you.
was it?
(Y/N)(L/N).
is that your name ?
maybe?
maybe you should look for another person.
what if you had hit your head and didn't know ?
it was probable.
but this isn't you.
these aren't your actions to perform.
this isn't your body.
you walk out into the hall.
there , you see a pale pink haired girl .
Mizuki.
your best friend.
you couldn't forget her.
but who are you ?
is Mizuki really your friend ?
or is she just pretending ?
like an actor in a film?
"Mizuki?"
that's your voice.
isn't it ?
"hm? you alright (Y/N)?"
(Y/N).
that's not you.
at least you can ask her who she is.
"Mizuki who is (Y/N)?"
she seems confused for a moment , before giving a small nod.
"that's you. you've not had your meds have you ?"
what?
what fucking meds?
you don't take meds.
do you?
you shake your head adamantly.
no you don't.
so what meds would you possibly need?
there's nothing wrong with you.
besides the fact that this isn't you.
it's not your body.
not your voice.
not you.
but then.
who are you ?
just an observer.
"(Y/N) , you need your meds , to keep your disorder in check. I promise it'll help."
deep breaths.
in.
one.
two.
three.
out.
one.
two.
three.
these halls .
is this your home?
no no no.
you're dreaming.
you must be.
Mizuki takes your hand.
what?
your hand .
your hand felt wrong.
Mizuki leads you to a kitchen.
it's impeccably tidy.
just like a film set.
you watch as she moves , trying to ignore the odd feelings of your limbs distorting .
surely you've broken a bone with how they feel?
not to mention the horribly anxious feeling you had.
huh?
what did Mizuki say?
you look at her confused , you feel like you've submerged your head underwater.
but you could breathe?
kind of at least.
your chest felt clogged.
she hands you a glass filled with a fizzy liquid and pills.
hesitantly , you take your pills.
you watch her smile.
she types something on her phone , turning it to you.
"you should get some rest , you'll feel better later +you start school tommorow."
you do ?
question later.
you felt overly drowsy , shakily standing.
Mizuki leads you back to the room from earlier.
this must be your bedroom.
you smile , waving and walking in.
blurs.
it's all colourless blurs.
you sigh , attempting to find the bed .
upon finding it , you collapse down.
why are you watching another person's life?
how frustrating.
deep breaths.
in.
one.
two.
three.
out.
one.
two.
three.
in.
one.
two.
three.
sleep came easily.
morning came , and you groan slightly.
Mizuki had convinced you to attend day school , instead of night classes with Ena.
said it'd help your depersonalization-derealization disorder.
your head hurt like shit , did you have another episode last night?
you'd probably have to consult Mizuki on that one.
with a soft sigh you pull yourself up , dressing in the uniform.
your shirt was tinted a light (F/C) , your jumper that you chose to wear over it being a more vibrant (F/C).
Mizuki said personalizing your uniform was allowed , so you brought it more to your style , while still keeping key elements.
after doing your hair and makeup , you stepped out.
"Mizuki ?"
she stuck her head out of the kitchen.
"(Y/N) hey , you feeling better today ?"
so you did have an episode.
after so long of being somewhat ok .
why?
oh.
right.
your parents had tried to reach out.
not in a 'we miss you' kind of way.
more of a 'come home or we'll hunt you down and kill you' kind of way.
you nod.
"shall we get going?"
again , you nod.
she giggles, taking your hand and walking you to the school.
"oh oh (Y/N) Ena will be in today !"
huh ?
I thought she attended night classes?
maybe she wanted to see you , outside of the sekai.
it had been awhile after all.
"I'm glad"
you smile , ignoring the knots in your stomach.
1-C.
your class was 1-C huh.
being a year younger than K, Yuki , Mizuki and Ena sucked.
usually because Mizuki takes the piss.
honestly , you were ready to scream.
imagine your fucking horror when your teacher tells you to introduce yourself .
while stood in front of the whole class.
introducing yourself normally was hard enough.
but now ?
now you were simply observing , as you fumbled over your words.
what was your name ?
(Y/N).
you think.
might not be.
but at this point you were just an observer.
"I'm (Y/N)(L/N) , it's nice to meet you all!"
you sounded so cheery.
it was nothing like you.
you watch yourself walk to the seat the teacher assigned you , by a ginger.
he seemed attractive, like a film star.
you noticed your face had heated up.
odd.
the class passed quickly.
without hesitating you dart from class , heading to where Mizuki said her class was.
you saw her waiting for you , and you hugged her tight.
she simply hugs back.
"Ena's gonna meet us here alright (Y/N)? how you holding up ?"
you nod slightly.
"old witch made me stand and introduce myself."
she giggles.
"yea yea very funny until you remember at this point I'm always two seconds away from another episode. I feel funky right now."
she nods .
"understandable, Ena said there's someone for you to meet."
Ena has other friends?
shocker.
soon , she shows up with the ginger you had to sit near in class.
he looks at you confused.
"this is your friend (Stage/Name)? "
Ena nods "yea , but just call her (Y/N) , (S/N) is for when talking with other 25-ji nightcode de members"
"ah alright, nice to meet you (Y/N) , I'm Akito Shinonome , Ena's younger brother."
you give a smile , face tinted pink.
"nice to meet you too Akito."
Mizuki giggles , arm round you "little brother here is part of a street musician group "
"you call him little brother?"
"yea , it annoys him" she smiles.
how odd.
you sigh , feeling somewhat awkward , but decided to keep the bubbly persona up.
feign happiness , and all will be well.
you and Akito seemed to get along well , eventually hanging out without Ena and Mizuki.
he was so kind.
you did your best to stay grounded around him .
keeping the happy persona up was hard for the months and months you two spoke.
you wanted to be someone like him.
he was amazing.
he was adored by everyone really.
you wanted to be something that was 'you'.
if you wanted , you could easily do it.
but deep down , you know that wouldn't be you.
would it?
it's a childish dream.
you could tell Akito was getting annoyed with you .
you didn't mean to .
but how could you be you ?
when you don't know who 'you' are , how can you be yourself.
you had to keep taking days off.
you just kept losing 'yourself'.
the way you are , you were better off dead.
you burdened everyone you knew.
but.
Akito.
he made you feel something.
he made you feel safe.
you could simply see his smile and suddenly any odd feelings would drop .
they'd be replaced with your heart beat speeding up.
your face would go red.
you'd feel all tingly.
you'd kill to just be able to spend more time with him.
but.
with you alive, you just bring sadness.
no one wants you.
that's the world you wished it to be.
if just by taking your life.
others would be happier , and not so hateful .
you'd be happy.
ah.
but each day , you walk the line between reality , and the world you see.
millions of people in this world didn't know you exist.
millions of people wouldn't care should you die.
in the end.
everyone will crumble.
everyone's 'self' will vanish.
'yourself' will vanish too.
sooner than others.
months have passed.
you've been holed up in your room.
reality was crumbling around you.
one am.
maybe Mizuki and Ena are one the nightcode.
deep breaths first.
in.
one.
two.
three.
out.
one.
two.
three.
in.
one.
two.
three.
out.
one.
two.
three.
logging on , you see Mizuki and Ena were luckily online.
Amia: (S/N)!~\(≧▽≦)/~
Amia: thank god , why aren't you coming out of your room ?( '･･)ﾉ(._.')
(S/N): everything outside my room isn't real.
Amia: (S/N) you need your meds(* ￣︿￣)
(S/N): no no no.
Enanan: (S/N) please .
Enanan: little brother won't stop asking about you.
Amia: do you know what caused it ?¯\_(?^?)/¯
(S/N): odd feelings.
Enanan: what kind ?
(S/N): I feel odd around him.
Amia: him?(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)
Amia: oh right little brother.(✿◠‿◠)
(S/N): yea.
(S/N): every time I'm with him I feel hot in the face , and my stomach feels all weird and when I see his smile I feel all fuzzy and warm , and I feel bad not seeing him and really lonely
Amia: щ(ʘ╻ʘ)щ
Enanan: no way
(S/N): what?
(S/N): what's up ?
Enanan: you
(S/N): ？
Enanan: you love my brother omg-
Amia: you said it so straight forward Enanan ('･ω･')
Enanan: (S/N) loves my brother I'm gonna be straight forward.
(S/N): ( ╯□╰ )
(S/N): I'm sorry Enanan ('。＿。｀)
Enanan: It's alright (S/N)
Enanan: you can't control feelings
Amia: you two would be so cute together omg （〃｀ 3′〃）
(S/N): Amia I don't think Enanan will approve
Amia: Enanan come on!(○｀ 3′○)
Amia: you'll let (S/N) date little brother right ???? (ง •_•)ง
Enanan: I must admit
Enanan: he hasn't shut up about her.
Amia: ooooooo (❤'艸｀❤)
(S/N): he doesn't ??? ◑﹏◐
Enanan: no he doesn't.
Enanan: also Amia stop with the faces (S/N) is starting to do it too.
Amia: fine , so mean TwT
Enanan: any face.
Amia: that's too far Enanan!
(S/N): I'm gonna log off.
(S/N): like Amia said , I need my meds.
Enanan: alright , see you tomorrow ok?
(S/N): ofc Enanan
Amia: ok now come on n get them , I'll give u chocolate milk too
you log off , sighing.
trust you to fall in love with Ena's brother.
running a hand through your hair .
you push yourself away from your computer desk.
walking to your door.
freezing.
there's going to be nothing beyond here.
it's all just a dream.
no.
a nightmare.
in the end .
nothing exists beyond this room.
you'd unlocked the door with trembling hands.
deep breaths.
you push open the door.
it was there.
the hallway .
same as always.
you head to the kitchen .
Mizuki smiles , passing you a glass of chocolate milk as she had promised , alongside meds.
you take them with a smile.
"thanks Mizuki."
she hums , giggling and hugging you.
"Gah my little (N/N) is all grown up!"
you groan .
"Mizuki nooooo" you whine managing to pry her from yourself.
you quickly flee to your room , locking the door.
you hear Mizuki's laughter and sigh , crawling into bed.
you curl up , and sleep.
today.
today was the day.
you keep affirming yourself , getting ready.
you walk to school with Mizuki .
nervously , you head into lesson.
sit in the corner.
no one will notice you.
it'll be ok.
you are you.
things are real.
you kept telling yourself this.
but was it the truth?
ah.
it may be?
but Ena was probably lying.
Akito probably hates you.
your a terrible person.
you just disappeared from the face of the earth.
he probably wishes you were dead.
he wasn't in lesson.
Ena told him you'd be here.
she must've.
that's why he isn't here.
he hates you.
he hates you he hates you he hates you.
huh?
a substitute ?
ok .
easy lesson.
oh.
spoke too soon.
panic fills you.
stood at the front of the class.
your very own mother.
no.
no no no no no no no no.
ignore her.
ignore her and it'll all be ok.
flex your hands.
keep reality stable.
blurring.
blurring everywhere.
at least Akito isn't here.
he'd probably think your deranged.
the hours dragged.
fidgeting is all you could do.
someone.
who?
who's watching ?
you dart your eyes.
your head stays stationary.
if they know that you know.
then they'll stop watching you.
worry filled the boy watching you.
something was clearly wrong.
but Ena never answered when he had asked.
the bell.
it was overly loud.
you cover your ears.
you did ?
no ?
but your hands were over your ears.
you stood up.
this isn't what your choosing to do.
not again.
you're just watching.
you had no control.
walking.
you watch as you go to the roof.
why?
why are you here?
what ?
you're stepping over the banister.
you wanted to scream .
in your head you were fighting to gain control.
removing your shoes .
no no no.
you stepped towards the edge.
no.
don't .
but.
Akito hates you.
maybe.
maybe this is for the best?
yea.
yea it's for the best.
you step forward.
but.
you don't fall.
you got pulled back.
"shhh , it's ok (Y/N) , I've got you. your safe."
Akito ?
what was he doing here?
all you could do was sob.
the feeling slowly returned .
you had control.
for now.
you climb back to the safe side .
clinging onto Akito.
"it's ok now. I'm here."
you look to him , tears streaking your face.
he kisses your tears away softly.
"I'm sorry" you mumble .
he smiles .
"don't apologise."
why ?
just because you're alive , why does he smile so?
if he continues to smile .
maybe you wouldn't feel so bad about staying in this world.
if only all the reasons to leave left.
even if you stepped off.
nobody would care.
but his smile.
no.
his existence.
his existence prevents you taking the final step.
you couldn't even crack a joke like usual.
maybe that's for the best.
Ena and Mizuki didn't approve of them.
Akito probably wouldn't either.
his arms remained wrapped around you.
you felt secure.
safe.
slowly , he sways with you.
"I love you Akito"
your hide your face away in his chest.
"I love you too."
he kisses your head.
"for all you are."