Passion. What does this word mean for a person?
A love for something. A love for a thing that if ever they are given choices, they would choose what they are passionate about.
Patuloy na pipiliin kung anong mahal nila. Because if you're passionate about what you're doing, you don't care if you're gaining money in it or not. Dahil kapag mahal mo ang isang bagay, gagawin mo ang lahat para sa tagumpay. You are able to take risks for that passion of yours because you continue believing in yourself.
And maybe that's how magical my passion is. Unang-una pa lang ay nagustuhan ko na ang pagpipinta. It is my escape from reality, escape from how cruel the world is.
Sa pagpipinta ko natutunan na kapag malungkot ang bagay na gusto mong ipinta, basta't nariyan lahat sa'yo ang kulay ay magagawa mong bigyang hustisya ang ganda nito.
I truly believe on colors' importance. No matter how sad or lonely you are, paintings with different colors will save you. For me. It won't look lifeless and not worth it. Lahat ng bagay ay mabibigyan mo ng importansya. Colors are giving life.
Kung saan ako nagsimula, patuloy akong babalik. I stopped once from continuing it because I think I cannot give my best for that. I think painting with so much sadness inside you can kill the colors.
Staring deeply at the empty canvas, I thought of something that I can paint on it. Maraming ideya ngunit ang tumatatak sa isip ko, iyong paglubog ng araw.
The ending that I want to watch over and over again without getting bored. I could watch the skies getting orange at the end of the day. How the sun goes down while calmly seeing the peaceful sea.
Sighing heavily, I put that idea out of my mind. Makailang beses na akong nakagawa no'n. I want a change. I want something that I haven't painted before.
At alam ko sa sarili kung ano na iyon. Alam ko sa sariling ang iniisip na ng utak ngayon ay imposibleng gawin.
But I can make it possible.
With the use of my imagination and the strokes of the brush, I gave life to the image that is now inside my mind. Tahimik kong ginawa ang bawat detalye na natatandaan ko. Even the smallest details are present. Hindi nga lang sigurado dahil walang reference na natititigan ko ngayon.
The problem with my imagination sometimes is that it cannot really copy the exact angle and look of something I am painting. Nakakabigla ngayong tila walang problema sa akin.
Mixing the colors to have the exact color of the features, my eyes cannot process that what I am doing is close to success. Sa bawat paglagay ng kulay, mas lalong nakukuha ko ang nasa imahinasyon. The angles, shapes and some other relevant details I can imagine can be seen from my painting.
Hinipan ko iyon ng mahina. Strands of my hair are falling, blocking my view as I straightened the position of the canvas, now staring at the finished product of my imagination. I tucked my hair behind my ear as I made my final touch on it. Kasabay no'n ang pagharap ko sa naging gawa.
"Wow."
I can't hide my emotions as I come to face with my work. Umawang ang labi ko nang masaksihan kung gaano kaperpekto iyon.
Never knew that I can still paint perfectly! Ang mas nakakabigla, kayang-kaya kong gawin ang minsan nang pinagdudahan sa sarili. Kayang-kaya kong gawin ang isang bagay na hindi ko kailanman naisip na magtatagumpay.
I placed it on the art gallery of mine. As of now, the place is not open yet for the public. I have no plans yet but we'll get to that.
Binalutan ko iyon ng malapad na papel. For the safety of it and of course, for the highlight if ever I can have a chance to open the place for everyone, especially on my students.
"That's heavily guarded. Mind me telling what painting is that?" Jaeden's voice asked me as he is placing it on the upper part.
Nakatayo ito sa isang hakbang ng hagdanan. He's placing it on the center like what I have instructed him. Nakakahiyang utusan ito dahil pormal na pormal ang suot nito.
He's wearing a white long sleeves and tucked on his black slacks. He insisted that he should be the one to put it for my safety. Hinayaan ko na lang kaysa naman magtalo pa kaming dalawa.
"Not really interesting. Naisipan ko lang naman kaya mabuting ilagay na rin dito," sagot ko.
He finally placed it on the center. Bumaba ito sa hagdanan hanggang sa humarap na sa akin. Giving a quick glance to the painting, his eyes narrowed as if suspecting me from what I am hiding.
"Are you sure? I wanna see it."
"Hindi muna ngayon. Maybe sa opening? Makakahintay ka naman siguro?" I asked, smiling at him playfully.
He shook his head and started crossing his arms. Bakat ang katawan nito sa suot kung kaya't ngumisi ako lalo. As usual, he looks like not interested with my expression.
Iyong asul niyang mga mata ang mas nagpapakaba sa akin. His letter appeared inside me and so I got the chance to finally ask him about it.
"Iyong sulat mo, para ba sa magulang ko iyon o para mabasa ko at malaman kong... mahal mo ako?" I asked him as my voice got lower. Tumayo lang ito nang hindi gumagalaw. His eyes searched for mine as he inhaled a breath.
Even if I didn't read that letter, I know that he still got some feelings for me. His actions speaks so well without his mouth being moved. Kitang-kita doon ang kakaibang emosyon na katulad ng dati.
He is still in love with me. May nararamdaman at kahit na anong pag-iwas ko sa katotohanang iyon, ganoon pa rin ang magiging kalalabasan.
He will still be in love with me.
"Will you be mad at that truth?" he said continously as if he's not asking about the feeling. Uminit na kaagad ang pisngi ko sa gano'n.
I started looking at the glass walls behind him. Sumasapaw ang atensyon ko sa kanya. I am afraid that maybe if I can finally stare at his eyes again, I can see his true intention: to love me the way he do.
"Wala na tayo, 'di ba? Bakit mahal mo pa rin ako?" I calmly asked.
"Hindi naman kita nakalimutan. You were the one who forgot me."
"Kasi iyon ang dapat na gawin. I don't need to sugarcoat anything, Jaed. I am truly thankful with what we've shared for the past years. At aaminin kong... hindi ka naman mahirap mahalin."
He sniffed and chuckled a bit. Scratching his nape, he also scratched his perfect nose, making it look red now. Inilagay nito ang kamay sa bulsa saka tuluyang sumandal sa mesang nasa likuran.
I feel nothing aside from being grateful for his presence. As he looked down, some strands of his hair fell, moving in synchronization with him. Marahan niyang sinuklay iyon saka umangat na naman ang tingin. He looks hot while simply doing that.
"Sabi ni Dominique, ang boring ko raw na tao. Hindi naman kita nilambing dati kaya bakit ang dali kong mahalin para sa'yo?"
"Because we vibe. Hindi na nga high school dati kaya hindi naman ako umaasam ng kahit na anong lambing. Your maturity's enough and I don't need to ask for more," tugon ko rito na ikinangiti niya lalo.
I don't know if he's happy because I said it or because he's not realizing that we are not in some relationship now. Mas lalo lang itong naglabas ng mapuputing ngipin na ikinairap ko ng bahagya.
"Is my 'baby' enough for you?" he chuckled again as if teasing me. Natawa ako roon.
"Hindi naman dapat ako mag-react doon. I don't care if you're going to use any endearment. Nga lang, hindi na ngayon kasi wala na tayo, Jaed," I softly said. Tumango-tango ito sa naging pahayag ko.
"Satisfied ka ba rito sa pinagawa mong art gallery para sa akin?"
"If it's for you, I am more than satisfied. Hindi mo na kailangang tanungin 'yan," agarang sagot nito, hindi man lang nagdalawang isip kahit ilang segundo.
He really liked the idea of this. Hindi yata ako nakukuntento hangga't hindi natatanong iyon sa kanya ng paulit-ulit.
"If you want me to build something for you again, I will definitely build again. Not to prove my love but to prove that my existence is not a waste."
"Wow. You don't need to do that. Even if you won't do it, your existence is not a waste, Jaed."
Umiling ito sa tinuran ko. Nawala iyong matamis niyang ngisi.
"No. When you cut the ties with me, my existence after that was a total waste. Hindi dahil sa kailangan ko ng presensya mo, kundi dahil sa pinahalagahan kita ngunit biglang nawala naman. I am so sure with you before, Diana. But everything needs to end."
I understand him. I didn't break up with him because there is no called 'spark' that's left. That we are tired with each other like how other relationships ended. I broke up with him because of the crime I thought he did. That he killed my parents.
Hindi naman ako nagsisi roon. In fact, that decision of mine was not hurtful. It changed my life. At kung bibigyan ako ng pagkakataong makabalik sa oras na iyon, hindi ako babalik para lang ibahin ang desisyon.
"Are you still sure with me now? Like before?" The curiosity inside me appeared.
Habang marahang pinapasadahan ng kamay ang buhok, dahan-dahan itong tumango, sigurado sa nagiging sagot at hindi man lang muna pinakiramdaman ang sarili kung tama bang sumang-ayon na lang siya.
Napasapo ako sa noo nang matantong hindi na nga dapat ako magulat. Who would have thought that he'll continue loving the person after all these years? Ganoon ba talaga siya ka-loyal?
"Lagi naman akong sigurado pagdating sa'yo."
"You're obsessed with me, Jaed—"
"Obsessed is different from what I am feeling. I am not obsessed with you." Lumapit ito ng tuluyan sa akin. "I love you so much to the point that seeing you hurts me because I know I've done a damage to you."
"Yes—"
"And it shattered me into pieces the moment you asked me about how brave you are to the point that I killed your parents. You are really brave for me, Diana. At alam kong kahit wala naman ako, mananatili kang matapang," he said softly as if making me realize about it.
Nanatili lang akong nakatayo at sinasalubong ang mga tingin nito. There's softness in it. Pinipigilan nito ang sariling hawakan ako ulit. Like his hold will determine how he loves me.
May kagustuhan pero matinding pagpipigil sa sarili ang ginagawa. Gusto ko iyong pagkokontrol nito sa sarili na napipilitan lang.
I want to smile and tease him but that would be inappropriate. Wala ako sa lugar kung iyon ang gagawin ko.
"If you don't have any feelings for me anymore, I understand it. Hindi naman kita pipilitin. At least, I am grateful for knowing you, grateful for what you've done to me. And I am sorry for everything. Sorry for the broken promises. I will pray for you as long as I am breathing."
I bit my lip. Seryoso ang pagkakasabi nito at kahit maski ako ay hindi mapigilang matuwa roon. He is really learning and I appreciated his effort for that.
We don't need to get things back together because we both want a life that gives us peace. A life that will give us comfort after all what happened.
Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya. Smelling his strawberry scent, I felt the warmth of the place just now. Natuon na lang ang mata ko sa gawa ko.
I caught those pair of blue eyes, the painting version that I gave to ma'am De Jesus. Buhay na buhay pa rin ang kulay. It didn't fade. At kahit matagal na, pansin ko pa rin ang pagiging bago nito.
I can picture myself painting that before. How I deeply stared at his deep blue colored eyes, how I memorized the details of his face and I how I learned for the first time painting the a face.
Doon naman nagsimula. I truly thanked him for that because I was able to succeed at that field.
"Alam mo bang sobrang nagagandahan ako sa mga mata mo?" I asked instead. Tumingin din ito roon. His eyes met the painted version.
Iyon ang nag-stand out sa lahat ng narito. It's so beautiful and I admit, even if I am still not sure, I know people can give their attention more on this.
"The color of your eyes resembles the color of the sea. And before, I can see some stars in it. You've got stars in it like how they reflected on the shiny and clear waters of the deep blue sea. You've got the most beautiful eyes so far."
Tumawa ito. Maybe because I am talking something here instead of replying to what he said earlier.
"I've got them from my father. For sure, you like his also?"
"Who wouldn't like those beautiful eyes?"
"Talaga?" he asks. He shook his head again while biting his lip. Naroon ang tawang-tawa na ekspresyon nito habang nakakrus ang mga braso. "You can be with my father, then."
Giving back to him my attention, I glared at him sharply as if I can kill him with that kind of stare. Hindi pa rin ito nagpatinag at mas lalong ngumisi.
"That is why I am not choosing you. What happened with your maturity?"
"I can push that out if I am with you. I feel okay now upon seeing your smile."
He pinched my cheek and I groaned at that. He never did that before. At kahit hindi ko man aminin, natutuwa ako sa ganitong side niya. First time to see this from here and somehow, I also felt okay upon seeing his smile.
His wide and sweet smile.