State
"You have a safe drive... Goodnight, Third."
Bumeso ako kay Third and gave one sweeet smile before ko tuluyang sinara ang pinto. Medyo late na kami nakauwi dahil natupad din ang wish ko na night drive. Drive- thru was also fulfilled. These I'd keep and never forget when I leave for home.
My feelings and vulnerabilities were always served as proof that change is constant. Parang kanina lang sa seashore, umiiyak ako, nalulungkot... at ayaw nang umuwi pagkakanta niya. But then when I think about Lucas, my heart aches more. The thought I actually want to go home reminded the confusion in my heart.
Kanina... habang kumakain kami ng fries at chicken fillet sa sasakyan, parang bumalik ako sa nakaraan. I remember the love and joy those foods brought to us. Kung dati, para sa pag-iibigan ang dalang saya... ngayon ay dahil sa pagkakaibigan na. That somehow escorted me to find my lost track at peace again.
I know he'll always be my first love. And I accepted now he's not going to be my last. I came to figure out the effortless love we could justly offer to each other freely. I'm happy I can just be his good friend... at ganoon din siya sa'kin.
Minahal ko siya. Hanggang ngayon, mahal ko pa'rin siya. But this love I am talking... is nowhere near to what I have for Lucas.
I conquered it. I've finally found the answers to what my heart bothers.
I really cherish Third. I know I'll always love him. But it's not ever gonna be what I have found with Lucas over the years and now.
Kung before siguro, hindi ganito... Pero dahil may Lucas na ako, at may anak na ako... Third has never been so right. Alam ko na ang mga bagay na magpapasaya talaga sa akin. The healing years talked about it... these all.
Sa payapang nararamdaman ko ngayon, magaan ang buong pakiramdam ko para simulan ang pag- iimpake ng mga mauunang gamit ko sa luggage. I sent already a note to my fiance. A selfie of me with my things, and my message for him.
To: Caro
Excited ka? Yey I am... Babawi ako my dear, I promise. Wait for me, ah? Si baby excited na rin na umuwi. I hope you're eating and brushing your teeth thrice a day. When I'm finally home, dont worry..ill always slap your ass to remind you of that. Maalagaan na ulit kita. I love you.
Pinatay ko ang phone and then I continued on my business. I already collected all the books I purchased here in the States, to place them on a box of the things I bought at a good quality and price in Target. Napabili rin ako nga ng little pieces of amount lang naman ng kitchen tools sa IKEA.
It's not that our house in the Philippines just took the last labor this month. Actually, matagal na kaming nakapagpagawa ni Lucas ng bahay sa land property niya sa Batangas. About a year ago, and kahit papaano... nagawa namang tirahan ng isang buwan noong magkaroon kami ng vacation leave sa work I just want to add more tools in the house.
And I have been constantly enjoying searching for things online to buy here for some consecutive time... say at least one of that served as coping mechanism for reducing my stress I just had gone through a hard time reclaiming back due to struggling intense emotions, thinking so much. I feel like I wasn't always yet ready to leave, but my profound emotions hammered me times about what I substantially stood in need of. It says I should leave. I must. Because in the depth of it, my peace is wanting it.
Preparing to bed, I heard a soft knocks outside. I thought it was a spontaneous room service, dahil bukod na si Third lang ang alam kong pumupunta, malabo na dahil nga nakaalis na siya kanina at nagpaalam pa. I thought it was a mistake, but it's really him.
"The... What are you doing? You came back? Why are you here?" Litong- lito ako sa gulat.
He smirked was easily slowed. "Can I sleep here?"
My forehead automatically knotted. I pursed my lips when I sniffed the beer he probably continued to drink pagkahatid sa 'kin.
"Are you drunk?" I noticed the.. obvious.
He really chuckled. Na para bang may nakakatawa sa situwasyon ngayon. "Damn... Let me in."
I moved a little steps backward to let him pass in. That's when I smelled bourbon and he definitely didn't just had beer. I was a little bit panicky kasi mukhang may balak pa atang gumulong si Third sa floor kaya inalalalayan ko na siya sa paglalakad. I carried half of his weight until on the sofa para 'di siya tuluyang magtaob.
What happened to this big guy! Hindi ba siya tumuloy ng umuwi kanina? Does he literally finished all of the beer in the cooler? Went out? Where else di he go? Umiling ako habang inaalalayan siyang umupo nang maayos. Of course, it is bar.
"Third... Water?" I straightened my back and turn around to get some in the kitchen.
Before I could elevated a step forward to walk, nahila niya ako nang marahan sa likod. Hindi na ako nakalaban when he make me sat on the sofa beside him. It was sudden.
"Where are you going..."
"I'll get you water." I stroke a comb on his hair once to see his eyes. Nakapikit siya habang nakasandal. His jaw and adam's apple protruded while leaning on the backrest of the sofa. "Wait for me here."
He smirked again. He shook his head and bring his eyes open to watch me. Hindi matagal dahil bumalik din ulit siya sa pagkakapikit.
"I... told you. I can wait you forever."
I stared at him for so long. I shouldn't pity him just what he's told me. I don't understand why some people do not want pity when everywhere and anything in, it was mainly the reason of passion, care, and love.
Bakit... At ano ba ang masama para maawa sa iba? Was it because someone's doing better? And it means the other one does not? Because she or he is much worse? How wrong it was to constantly believe in. Dapat ay nasa sa tao na iyon. If pity tells a cynical appraisal to even point it out, what much more if you continue to ignore? Hindi ba mas maganda na sinasabi para napag- uusapan, in effect, nasosolusyonan?
I controlled my emotions. This is different. I don't want to go there again. I promised him the last thing right now to consider was drama. Siya ang may gusto noon. I don't want to take advantage to invade and learn his feelings about it, because I've learned to be patient over the years with Mia... and I respect him. Lasing siya ngayon at nakakasiguro akong pagsisisihan niya ito bukas.
I could use this chance. But I won't force it. I would have just longed for this when we're all both rightly conscious and think our words in an appropriate state.
"Alis na..." he whispered.
Umiling ako. "You need water. Just take a bit of rest here. Dalhin kita mamaya sa kuwarto para makahiga ka nang ayos, okay?"
He just lazily nod his head. Tumayo na ulit ako at dumiretso sa kusina para kumuha ng water. He needs to wake up from this intoxication he wouldn't want in the first place.
"Third... You okay there?" I asked from the kitchen.
I heard him groaned. Napabuntong hininga ako at uminom na rin ng gatas para 'di na ulit bababa rito kapag nahatid ko siya sa kuwarto.
"Drain it all... hmm?" I offered him a glass of water.
Nagmulat ulit siya ng mata. His eyes landed on the glass... and bring them up to me. Inalok ko ulit. Kinuha niya ang baso, but I got alarmed when the glass almost slipped off on both of our hands dahil hawak niya na... binitawan ko na agad!
Buti nalang mabilis kong napansin ang susunod na mangyayari kaya napasapo ulit ako sa baso ng two hands ko na ngayon.
"Sorry..." he mumbled.
I sighed and decided to remove his right hand from the glass. I made the control back on my grip para ako na ang magpa-inom sa kaniya.
"Ubusin mo..." paalala ko ulit.
The suite has only one room. May bed lounge naman sa loob ng kuwarto kaya okay na roon nalang ako. Mahihirapan si Third kung siya ang doon dahil mas big siyang kumain ng space. Obvious naman.
My foot... as well as Third's foot were both limping upon tracing the way in the room. Kahit naglalakad naman siya, nahihirapan pa 'rin akong umalalay dahil mabigat siya.
"I don't understand..." I pulled him to enter the room when we made it to the door.
"Sure I was your alcohol tolerance is unbelievably high. Bakit ganito..."
I heard him chuckle. "You're always like that. Don't look at things as if it's always been easy for me. You always expect too much from me."
"Because you are the great Third," I concluded.
I want to finally sigh in relief. Konting akay pa... mahihiga ko na siya sa bed. All my life, I did not imagine na mag- aakay ako ng lasing. Hindi ko naman siya madalas na makitang umiinom sa relasyon namin noon, ah!
"There's no such things hard for you." I addedly reasoned.
Pinaupo ko siya sa ilallim ng kama. I still haven't gone to make him properly sit on the edge when he abruptly lay on top of the bed.
"Oh-"
Kapit niya pa 'rin ako sa braso, kaya napasama ako sa kaniya sa paghiga. He watched me on the eyes.
"There is."
I am on top of him. And the position bothers me so much. I was about to stand up from the vast of his chest, yet his hold tightened.
He has slowly drawn up his left hand to caress my face. I almost flinched because of the puzzling feeling of the touch. I tried to stand up again on the thought I was off to successfully make it since his hold was reduced by one hand... pero hindi pa 'rin ako nakawala.
It wonders me how his right hand is firmly putting my arm on his hold, earning me not to move, when all along, his left hand is slowly fondling my cheeks. Inabot niya pa ang takas na buhok sa mukha ko para isabit sa tainga. He's sincerely putting his eyes on focus to gaze at mine.
"Third..."
He blinked. "Avi... Am I still your comfort? Could I still bring peace to you? Could you still rest your heart with me?"
My heart throbbed. It was beating so fast. I gulped. "You... never failed all at once." I think about it twice.
He never failed. I'm hurting, yes. But the comfort he brings to me never fails. Gusto ko na lagi siyang nakakausap. Laging kasamang mag- dinner. Laging kabiruan. Laging kasama... Like what best friends do. I'm always at peace and I always have my rest through the bond we always do.
"Then why weren't you calling me Noah anymore?" His voice croaked.
Namuo agad ang luha sa mata ko. I watched his eyes get damp too until the tears ceaselessly fall on his cheeks one by one. Why... Hindi ko naman alam... He wants...
"I'm no longer God told to build an ark to save people... to save you. I was the one who destroy you," he sobbed.
"Third..."
Mas lalo siyang humagulhol. "Hearing... the name I've grown calling by so many never been this sorrowful."
Hindi ko na napigilan. Hindi ko alam na gusto niya palang tinatawag ko siya, habang pilit kong iniisip sa sarili ko na hindi na puwede... na baka hindi niya gusto... na baka mag- expect ako sa wala. Hindi ko ginawa dahil sa embarrassment na nararamdaman ko.
Sinandal ko ang mukha ko sa chest niya at tuluyan na ring humagulhol. "Alam mo ba..."
He stroke my hair gently bago ako inalalayan na bumangon. Pareho na kaming nakaupo ngayon habang nakatingin sa isa't isa.
"I'm dying to call you, pero..." I whipped. "I'm so embarrassed to even utter the name I gave you. I... caused you so so much pain..."
I shook my head. "You never destroyed me. Please... you didn't. Fate does. The teaching does. And I partly know it was all because of that reason."
Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. I hopelessly looked at him. "Sobra akong nahihiya sa 'yo... I'm, so embarrassed for the things I've inflicted on you. I'm so embarrassed you were always so kind and patient to me, when all along, even you wouldn't say it, the sight of me back once again caught your sorrow... I know it hurts you."
"I always have your hold. My feelings have always been your priority instead of putting up with yours first. Lagi nalang ako. Lagi nalang, 'It will hurt Avi', 'It will make Avi cry', 'It will make Avi cry to sleep'... 'It will make Avi so unhappy.' That's always your reason. How about you, Third? How about you... It doesn't mean just because you see me had it worse, ako nalang lagi... I didn't see how much it upsets you... it pains you. I didn't get to know how did it change you."
He parted his lips. "I love you..." all he could utter back.
I parted my lips.
"It's because I never stopped. I know you know... I've always loved you more than my whole life. Hanggang ngayon, Avi... mas minamahal kita."
I sobbed. "You should know you shouldn't."
"I know but I couldn't."
I hardly breathe. "Stop loving me that way."
His eyes and breathing weakened more. "You know I can't."
"But you have to..."
I shivered when he suddenly break down in front of me. The sight suffocates me.
"I don't know what still is it I'm fighting for to live... I don't know why I'm still alive... I don't know what is it my purpose here. Without you, I have no business here... "
Dumalo ako sa kaniya to embrace him so tight. Ang sakit isipin na sa akin niya pa 'rin inaalay ang lahat. Na sa akin tumatakbo ang mundo niya para manatili sa buhay. It should be his self. His mother... And, it could be share with another woman. I told him he deserves someone better.
"I'm not worthy of your love. You shouldn't give it to someone who couldn't replace it back..." I cried.
"I'm not asking you to give it back. I just hate it when you stop me because I know you know I couldn't. Just... let me. I'm not asking for a return."
I sobbed.
If only I knew you'll be fine having yourself alone, I would let you love me, Third... But you're showing me otherwise when you're being like this...
I just thought everything was finally fine.
"And then, what? Ganiyan ka na? That's how you'll live your life even if you can do so much more? You'll lock yourself? You'll torture more yourself? Paano Third? You can't be this in your whole remaining life. You can't be hurt all your life..."
"What do you want me to do..." His voice was so frail and cracked.
Pinaharap ko siya sa 'kin. I want him to understand.
Love isn't only being effortless, it should be freeing. This was something I did years ago, at ngayon... ginagawa ko ulit. Dahil ngayon, hindi na dahil kailangan lang... gusto ko.
"I want you to have your life. I want you to love yourself more than my life... more than anyone's life. Right then, seek your own personal love... And, whenever you're all complete... Let it share with someone else."
Amour de soi and Amour-propre. Jean-Jacques Rousseau contradicted his both conception. Amour de soi... a supplemental harmonious with wholeness; thing Third must've grasp and have. He can't be eternally happy with Amour- propre, if he won't ever stop pursuing what clearly had been explained to him he would never ever get. It's an unnatural form of love.
"Don't waste your chance on me. You are renowned, Third... Ang daming nagmamahal at magmamahal pa sa 'yo. Make your eyes open for them. You can't set your happiness on me. I-kakasal na ako..." I cracked my voice.
The tears in his eyes pooled more. "You are really getting married..."
"Third-"
"Noah," he smiled."
He offered me his hand. "Hi, I'm Noah."
Gumuhit ang sakit at pait sa mukha ko. I cried more habang inaabot ko ang right hand niya.
"Hi... I'm sorry. I'm no longer your babe."
Please. He needs to understand.
He uses his other forearm to wipe his tears. "Cruel," he chuckled.
I awfully sobbed again. "Ikaw kasi... Ang pangit mo mag- joke."
"Ikaw nga... You have an outsanding ride on the trip. Award- winning sa pagpapasakit."
Hinampas ko lightly ang arm niya. "Saan mo natututunan ang word na 'yan..."
Instead of answering me, he took my two hands and sheltered me with his arms. Right then, nilapit niya pa ang sarili sa akin until my face was almost touching his'. I can already feel his hot breath. He's frigging looking down at my lips.
Kinabahan ako. "Third-"
"Last... one?" he breathlessly asked.
"What?"
Before I could ask again, he leaned his head forward and closed his eyes. I was about to push him away when I feel his lips land on my forehead.
"That's what I'm talking about," he said after the kiss.
I blinked.
He withdrew away from the closed gap and then he smirked. "Goodnight, babe."
Napakurap- kurap ako. I watched his movements. He's busy opening some buttons of his sleeves. Napansin niyang nakatitig ako kaya sinulyapan ulit niya ako just to give me a smirk.
Is he literally drunk or what? He's so broken a while ago and he's smirking at me now?
I cleared my throat. "Goodnight..." Tumayo ako para hayaan na siya.
"Avi."
I faced him in an instant. "Need anything else?"
"Where are you going?"
I twitched my brow. "Sleep."
His forehead was the one that was knotted this time. "Where?"
Tinuro ko ang sofa rito sa loob ng room. "There."
He immediately stood up. "Dito ka."
I arched a brow. "At saan ka?"
His forehead creased once more. "Sa sofa?"
"Kasya ka ba?" I mocked.
"I'll fit."
Umiling ako. I don't have a plan to back down against him. Really now I noticed how possibly drunk he is. I don't understand his sudden shift.
"I'll make you leave my place once you insisted more. Dito ka na." I said with finality.
"No-"
"Ah, you want to leave?"
"No-"
"Kaya dito ka na."
"Yes. Dito ako. Because I won't go home. But I'll be sleeping on the sofa." He's about to stand but I lightly pushed him to go back on top of the bed.
"Kulit..." puna ko.
Sinilip ko siya na nakatitig sa mukha ko, guarding every of my movements.
"What?"
"Tabi nalang tayo," he smirked.
"What?"
"If you want."
I glared at him. "Are you crazy?" Umiling ako sa kaniya. "Ano, may kailangan ka ba? Hindi ka naman siguro susuka riyan."
"Susuka?" he asked the word with a slang verbalism.
I softly chuckled. "I'm asking you if you'll puke on my bed."
His eyes lightened with the information. He shook his head after. "I don't do that stuff."
Tumalikod na ako sa kaniya at lumabas na sa door ng kuwarto. Naiwan ko ang cellphone sa labas at babalikan ko pa. I'm sure before I came back here again, he'll fell asleep based on the look of his puffed eyes right now. His slow breathing told me he's sleepy.
"Good."
He nodded his head. "Goodnight?"
Dinungaw ko siya galing sa labas. I smiled. "You'll sleep on the bed?"
His tired eyes were able to get darkened. "I don't want to leave."
I pursed my lip. "Okay, Goodnight..."
Tumaas ang kilay niya.
"Goodnight, Noah." I smiled.