"Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired. Smile, even when you're trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision. Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy. Trust, even when your heart begs you not to. Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see. Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you're afraid of what the dreams might bring. Run, even when it feels like you can't run any more. And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience, you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don't live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started." ― Alysha Speer
The Fighter
"And how's Naomi doing?" I asked Jack via the video-call, my tablet resting on the counter as I moved around the kitchen.
"That's grand," Jack chuckled. "I'm your brother and you're asking more about Naomi than you are about me!" We both laughed and he shook his head in awe.
"I'm kidding, she's well." He nodded and a moment later Naomi threw herself in front of the screen.
"Hey Mel, how are you?!" She called and I turned around eagerly to see her. "Holy cow you're getting big! Are you sure there aren't twins in there?!"
We all laughed and I shook my head, stroking my bump.
"I'm just overdue, that's all." I explained.
"Isn't that rare for your second?" Jack asked as he and Naomi settled in on the sofa in front of the camera.
"I mean it can be," I shrugged. "I'm not complaining, it just gives us more time to organise things."
"You mean it gives me more time to organise things," Spencer puffed, jogging downstairs covered in paint. "Hey guys!" He waved and joined me next to the counter, grinning like a child.
"What're you cheesing at?" I asked suspiciously, drying my hands on a towel and narrowing my eyes.
"It's finished." He smiled and I gasped.
"You two are just adorable!" Naomi cooed.
"Can we see it too?" Jack asked and Spencer smiled excitedly, nodding.
I took the tablet into my hands and allowed Spencer to lead me around the kitchen island to the staircase.
Our home wasn't anything too large or fancy - but it was comfortable.
It wasn't too far from the beach, and made mostly of sustainable energy and bulletproof reinforced glass.
The downstairs floor was all open-plan, bright and airy, with a little snug under the stairs.
On the first floor, were three bedrooms, and ours was in the attic up an additional flight of stairs.
We'd spent the last month decorating, Spencer throwing himself into maintaining the home whilst I helped Carter settle into her new role. Mainly via the home-office on the first floor.
There was a safety bunker in the basement, and a little studio in an annexe in the garden - we hadn't quite decided what the studio was going to be.
A granny flat for when my parents came to visit?
An art studio for if we decided to take up a hobby?
A special den for the kids?
There were unlimited possibilities with our home, and that's why we were so in love with it.
Spencer led me upstairs and along the corridor to our baby's nursery.
"Okay, close your eyes," He said, and gently placed his paint-covered hands over my eyes.
Jack and Naomi giggled as I held the tablet in front of me, so they could see too.
Spencer guided me inside the room and I heard the couple gasping and cooing before Spencer dropped his hands.
Immediately, my eyes filled with tears and a hand rose to cover my mouth emotionally.
Spencer chuckled and took the tablet into his hands, beginning to show the couple different elements to the room, talking them through everything.
Immediately facing the door there was a large bay window with a rocking chair and a blanket, glorious white curtains billowing in the gentle breeze coming through the window.
On the left side of the room, there was another window, and in front of it stood our baby's crib, a hand-made mobile hanging from the ceiling, courtesy of Auntie Penny and Aunt Becky.
The floor was varnished wood, stripped back to the traditional elements, with a thick fluffy rug covering the majority.
There was wooden furniture, like a wardrobe, a changing unit, a doll's house, a toy-box, all of the elements of a traditional nursery.
However, what took my breath away, was the fact that Spencer had painted the ceiling a beautiful pale blue, and stenciled stunning white fluffy clouds here-and-there, like the sky.
In the corner was a bright yellow sun, and on the right-hand wall was a glorious mural, a beautiful park with varying animals and a stunning tree.
"Spencer, it's breathtaking," I admired as he crossed to me and wrapped an arm around my waist. "Thank you."
He smiled and shrugged.
"Maybe the annexe could be made into an art studio after all." Jack nodded and we all laughed.
"I'm surprised you guys didn't find out the sex," Naomi admitted. "Another excuse to have a party - a big gender reveal."
Spencer and I laughed and shook our heads.
"We thought about it." I admitted.
"But we didn't want to conform to gender stereotypes," Spencer explained bashfully. "It doesn't matter what the sex is, so long as our baby is healthy and happy."
I opened my mouth to agree as Jack and Naomi cooed on the other line, but was completely taken by surprise by a shooting pain.
"Mel?" Jack frowned in concern and immediately Spencer turned to me as I winched and gripped my bump.
I laughed and shook my head.
"I think they heard us."
*
My parents fetched Tilly from school as Spencer and I prepared for the hospital.
I was insistent that I was absolutely fine - and forced Spencer to change into clean clothes and wash his hands, even though he was freaking out and bumping into everything.
I laughed and shook my head, and almost punched him as he reached to carry me downstairs.
"I'm in labour - not my first party, either," I warned. "I'm not an invalid, I can do it myself."
He held his hands defensively and grabbed my go-bag as I took the stairs one at a time, breathing deeply.
We arrived at the hospital at the same time as my parents, and Tilly ran screaming excitedly.
"This is it! THis is it!" She was singing as we all entered the hospital excitedly.
"Now baby-love you gotta wait with Nana and Grampsy, okay?" I said as Spencer brought her up into his arms and brought her to me at the reception desk.
"But why?" She huffed. "I want to be the first one to see her!" She gushed and I laughed, sweeping the hair out of her face to kiss her forehead.
"It's kinda yucky," I admitted. "There'll be blood and poop and crying." I admitted and she gasped.
"That's disgusting!" She laughed, covering her mouth and making us all laugh.
"Stay with Nana and Gram-" I never finished my sentence as another contraction took my breath away.
"Okay, time to go!" My dad sang, taking Tilly's hand as Spencer set her down.
"Good luck momma!" Tilly cheered. "Hold her hand daddy!" She snapped and I smiled through gritted teeth as Spencer immediately grabbed my hand, doing exactly as our daughter instructed.
We were led down a hall and by the time I'd changed into birthing clothes, my contractions were growing more and more frequent.
"Was it so quick last time?" Spencer gulped, tying his hair back from his face and accepting the gown the nurse handed him.
I was able to shake my head and grit my teeth, Spencer reaching to clasp my hair away from my face, the short length still unable to be tied as of yet.
"Don't worry, second labours are almost always shorter." The nurse smiled and gestured for Spencer to scrub his hands and I winced, knowing that I wouldn't need to wait much longer before our second baby was born.
The Protector
I was there for every moment.
There wasn't a second I missed.
Since we'd moved to Canada, Melanie and I had been inseparable, completely bound by our traumas and love.
We'd attended weekly therapy individually and two sessions together, and I believed this brought us even closer together.
We decorated our new home together and dedicated all of our time to Tilly. We spent weekends with Mel's parents and went on family adventures to nearby parks and beaches, basking in time together that we'd never had before.
Aaron and Beth had both taken early retirement, and I had no plans to return to work anytime soon. Mel would consult with Carter every second day, and most times only for a couple of hours in her home-office.
We'd never had so much time together, and rather than us recognising differences or changes, we grew closer and fell even deeper in love.
As I held my wife's hand, breathing with her and mumbling reassurance to her, holding her hand and wincing as she gripped and screamed, I'd never been more proud.
I spent every day of my life being proud of Melanie, of the traumas she'd overcome, the challenges she'd faced, the glory she'd achieved.
But as I watched her in agony, sacrificing so much pain to bring new life into the world, I felt the pride bubbling and bursting inside of me.
It started in the pit of my stomach, like butterflies when I felt nervous.
They fluttered and fluttered higher and higher into my chest, where it felt like the white fluffy clouds I'd painted on the nursery ceiling.
It felt huge and fluffy, packed full of all of her achievements.
And then it floated into my throat, feeling like the most electric of sparks, the hottest of fires, the most giddy of excitements.
It made me want to hold her, kiss her, wrap her in my arms and squeeze her, parade her around town yelling at the top of my lungs, telling everyone how much I loved her and how special and important she was. Not only to me, but the world.
The world had to know about her greatness.
"Congratulations!" The midwife cheered as I cut the cord and our baby's screams were all but deafening.
"You have a beautiful baby boy." She announced, passing the swad of blankets over to Melanie as she gasped and gushed on the bed next to me.
"A b-boy?" She stuttered, looking at me with tear-filled eyes as she accepted our baby and I turned to her with tears running down my cheeks.
"We have another son, Melly," I cried and she looked up at me, thinking the same thing I was - that our baby boy in Heaven had guided this new little miracle to us.
I swallowed a sob as I leaned down and pressed a proud kiss to her lips.
"I adore you," I whispered there and she smiled, blinking tears out of her eyes.
"I adore you both more than anything else in the whole world." I admitted and she sobbed, as we looked down at our little baby boy, safe and content in his mom's arms.
"And we adore you, Spence," She cried, turning her face to our baby to press a kiss to our son's forehead.
"You are so loved, little one."
The Father
In the grand scheme of things, Tilly was patient.
I on the other hand, was not.
Beth watched on with an entertained smirk as she and Tilly sang nursery rhymes whilst I paced in the waiting room, back and forth, rubbing my jaw and my neck, every second feeling like an hour.
Eventually, Spencer came hurrying along the hallway and I lurched for the door, throwing it open.
"Is she okay? Are they both safe?" I gushed and Spencer nodded, throwing his arms around me without saying anything else.
"It's a boy," He whispered. "We have a son."
I choked as I held him, tears forming in my eyes.
"Daddy is she here yet! Can I see my baby sister?!" Tilly squealed, clambering off her chair to run for her father.
"Sure thing, princess," Spencer chuckled, sniffling and wiping his tears as he stepped back and caught Tilly in his arms.
"We have something to tell you..." He said as Beth and I followed along the corridor, keeping distance to allow the family some space.
"You have a baby brother." Spencer told Tilly carefully, patting her chest as she peered at him curiously.
"A brother?" She gasped and Spencer nodded.
There was a long pause before,
"Yay!" She threw her arms around her father's neck. "Thank you daddy, thank you!"
Beth and I laughed and she clutched at my arm emotionally.
Matilda had gone through phases of wanting a baby brother or a baby sister.
For a long time, she'd begged Mel and Spencer for a baby brother, just like her mommy. But, when Mel had fallen pregnant, Tilly became certain she was having a baby sister.
She became obsessed with making us buy everything in two - 'I want to share with my baby sister' she'd say insistently as we reached for only one doll on the shelf, or put one car in the cart.
So, we'd bought two of everything. And we were convinced that no matter if it was a boy or a girl - we'd love them infinitely.
But now, as we stood outside the room, watching as Spencer pressed a finger to his lips and encouraged Tilly to speak softly, she copied him and nodded her head, smiling innocently as Spencer sat her down on Mel's bed.
She looked exhausted; her face was shining with sweat, her hair was slicked back, her cheeks were flushed red, and she was smiling sleepily at her daughter as she reached forward to hug her mommy.
"Pleased to meet you baby brother," We could hear Tilly saying. She reached forward and shook his tiny little hand carefully. "I'm your big sister Matilda," She said sweetly, leaning down to peer at him wondrously.
"But you can call me Mattie." She said sweetly.
"Mattie?" Beth gasped, peering up at me tearfully.
My mouth parted in surprise and I shrugged as I looked down at her, a lump forming in my throat as tears filled my eyes.
We watched the family for several long moments, basking in their love and happiness, Tilly sitting on Mel's lap as she helped her daughter to hold her baby brother ever-so-carefully.
Spencer was filming it all, of course, for future memories.
But this was precious and beautiful and priceless.
Witnessing the love and happiness first-hand that my daughter had been deserving of for her entire life.
I swept my tears with rough fingers and Mel looked up, meeting my eyes happily.
She smiled and gestured for us to come inside, and Beth hurried to her side excitedly, peering at the baby boy lovingly and cooing, sniffling and sweeping tears away.
I'd wondered how it would have been if Beth and I had had a child.
But then I caught myself and smiled, because to her, Jack and Mel were her children. And they viewed her as a mother, too.
I'd never felt happiness quite as raw, never felt pride quite as potent, never felt love quite as strong.
I was a father, and I was a grandfather, but more importantly, I was there.
After missing out on my own daughter's childhood, I was there for my grandchildren. At that, I spent every day of my life being thankful for.
The Fighter
As our daughter lay sound asleep; exhausted from the excitement of her baby-brother, Spencer and I looked on at our son, asleep in his baby basket at the side of our bed, his newborn face still pinched and raw.
"I'm so sorry, Melly," Spencer whispered in the darkness, his fingers drawing circles on my skin.
"What are you sorry for?" I asked in confusion, peering up at him with a furrowed brow.
I was exhausted, and in so much pain.
I'd spent three days in hospital, the doctors terrified in case my health declined after everything my body had been put through.
I was fine physically, but I was emotionally drained.
I was thankful that Jack and Naomi were coming to stay the following day, and was so excited to have them at home for the first time since we'd moved.
But for the time being, I was more grateful to be in bed before nine, praying that our son didn't scream too loudly through the night.
"The other pregnancies," Spencer sighed eventually without meeting my eyes.
"I wasn't there for you, and I'm sorry." He apologised.
"What...?" I shook my head to clear it. "Spence, that's in the past, please, let's just forget about it."
"No," He said, shaking his head. "I realised something, whilst you were giving birth," He explained. "You are superhuman," I smiled and blushed and he smiled too, showing a dimple.
"Everything you shared in therapy..." He mused, shaking his head as his breath whooshed out in a gush. "I abandoned you. I wasn't there for you. You could've died, after we lost our son..." She shook his head. "I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you, Melly," She admitted, his voice breaking as his eyes filled with tears.
"I am so eternally sorry."
"Spencer," I whispered, frightened incase I broke down. I reached up to place my palm against his cheek, looking at the different skin-tones. "My love," I watched his face for a while, watching how his eyes fluttered closed as he leaned into my palm, his tears slipping out from beneath his closed eyelids.
I reached forward and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.
I pulled back and his eyes opened and I smiled at him.
I slid my hand from his face down to his hand and I laced our fingers together.
"I love you," I said sincerely. "You are my soulmate," I told him, holding his eyes. "There is nothing in this world that could ever stop us, love," I brought our hands up to my mouth and kissed his knuckles. "We're endgame."