your pov
ow.
ow ow ow.
'twas a common sound from your mouth.
your pains.
non stop.
hurting.
and hurting.
and hurting.
stinging pains.
prickling pains.
stabbing pains.
never leaving your quaking body.
it blinded you.
painful.
nothing.
you could see .
but you couldn't.
distorted.
everything is distorted in a wobbly mess.
ah.
your tears.
tears of pain.
no.
wipe them away.
don't show that weakness .
weakness amuses them.
reaction amuses them.
those who hurt you ,
they thought the pain you felt was amusing.
they won't stop.
never.
no one.
no one in kamiyama.
not one person.
you couldn't trust no one.
even your 'friends'.
they'll hurt you some day.
friends are bad.
ideas are all you need.
your creations are all you need.
the only things that matter.
they weren't big creations ,
but you made small devices .
you'd made them for the group you were in to communicate when needed.
to communicate whenever.
whenever usually meant you and Amia talking in class when bored.
that was ,
when Amia showed up.
K , Enanan and Yuki didn't approve.
especially since K was trying to pay attention to her homeschooling ,
Enanan was usually trying to sleep ,
and Yuki was trying to learn without you being irritating .
irritating.
many people viewed you that way.
ah well.
entertained you both ,
so you don't mind.
so you said .
plus you made the devices ,
so you could use them for whatever.
everywhere in Kamiyama that you looked there was tragedy.
the most recent beside your beating ?
two boys and a girl fighting.
little brother and a blonde boy.
a girl with stars in her hair.
wonder what they were yelling about .
hopefully little brother won't get hurt.
he wasn't really your brother ,
but you still cared for him like one.
you had no family ,
but he accepted you like a second sister ,
and that gave you slight joy.
You , Enanan and Amia were talking when you saw.
you decided to record the fight to gossip about with the other girls.
and watch Enanan realise little brother was fighting again.
even with the suspension warning.
how foolish.
soon your device was going wild with you and the other two Kamiyama students.
you were the only one physically there today however.
continuing messing about.
you were too busy gossiping.
too busy laughing.
too busy hyping Enanan up to notice that the fight had died down .
ah.
oops.
oopsies.
you were laughing a bit too much at Amia's teasing comments towards little brother ,
and Enanan's ranting how she'd told little brother to stay out of fights to realise they were staring at you.
little brother was glaring.
oh boy.
you should run maybe.
nah.
he wouldn't dare hurt you.
you'd just snitch to Enanan.
that would be a sight.
maybe you should let him beat you up.
even if he saw you as a sister ,
you always made it clear he had no reason to be overly kind.
every fight you both had was resolved quickly of course.
and your recording again.
you often recorded his little , fits .
he himself found it amusing to watch back.
little brother's yelling at others was common.
so , you knew what was coming.
"What's so fucking funny (Stage/Name) !? "
you giggle ,
he's one of the few who know your actual name.
but , you consider your real name personal.
he understood , and so he stuck to your stage name.
"nout little brother.
nout."
"who exactly is that Akito ?"
you forgot the girl and boy was there.
"(S/N) .
one of my sisters online friends.
kinda like another big sister.
teases me worse than Ena does."
damn.
so cruel.
you ?
tease him ?
worse than Enanan?
never.
ok maybe a bit.
fine you admit it you tease him alot.
ah well.
"nice to meet you.
as little brother said , I'm (S/N)."
wait.
shit.
they probably know of 25-ji nightcode de.
considering little brother knows.
oh boy.
"like that princess-y chick from that sad group ?"
the girl asks.
nervous laughter.
ok.
run.
you quickly leave.
you were against being recognised like that.
'twasn't a smart idea to run.
you'd run right into your tormentors.
keep blank and eventually they leave.
doesn't matter.
tragedies like that was a daily occurrence here at Kamiyama.
much to the regret of teachers ,
you were usually part of it.
and usually the one getting hurt.
but also causing your own damage.
yea you agitated them.
you might've riled them up.
but who wouldn't ?
if someone was looking at you funny ,
of course you were going to take the piss out of them.
'twas only natural.
they started the fight .
not you.
not your fault they got injured when you defended yourself.
people.
frightening things they are.
no hesitation at harming another of their own.
some kill for what they want.
self centred.
if things don't go their way ,
they lose their mind.
maybe Yuki was right about staying in the sekai.
away from the destructive things that run this world.
you'd withdrawn into yourself.
cut people off.
if friendships are so superficial ,
only there so people can gain what they want.
then you have no need for it.
no need.
none.
who would still call friends stage names?
you knew their real names.
K was called Kanade.
Yuki was called Mafuyu.
Enanan was just Ena.
Amia was Mizuki.
and (S/N) was really you , (Y/N)
yet you still called them all by stage names.
so really ,
it took no effort to remove them from your life.
took no effort to close yourself in.
to free yourself from these lies.
who made the lies?
was it you ?
was it the others?
no.
no ?
what do you mean no?
no.
it was everyone.
and no one.
how confusing.
who cares?
you don't.
ridiculed and betrayed by many.
how?
how do you stop these pains?
though you show no reaction.
the pains.
why do they sink so deep into your heart?
they should stop.
are you that weak?
really?
pitiful.
you were pitiful.
oh so fucking pitiful.
it's not right.
it hurts.
it hurts oh so very badly.
even if you could wear down your painfully swollen heart.
it would still sting.
it would burn.
burn like you'd set it alight.
doused in gasoline and thrown matches onto it.
your heart was aflame.
with wounds here and there.
wasn't visible wounds.
but you knew they were there.
your heart is red and inflamed.
nobody.
there really was nobody for you to cling onto .
that's all you wished.
that someone.
somebody.
anybody.
would know.
would understand your pains.
understand your need to scream.
understand your need to yell.
but there was no one.
of course.
your disgusting.
a loner.
isolated.
you spent all free time working hard on your devices.
even if the tears rolling down your face didn't stop.
your face stayed the same.
nothing showed on it.
life was easier without showing emotions.
so why?
why did the tears not stop ?
your weak.
that's why.
disgusting.
maybe .
maybe if you become the ideal person people will love you ?
hah.
funny joke.
no they wouldn't.
you continue with your machines.
unaware .
highly unaware of the male watching you with interest.
his cat like smile spreading.
what little brother told him about you was right.
you're an interesting girl.
you hate people.
but in truth.
there's one thing you hate more.
that thing is your own self.
and your weakness.
hate it.
hate it.
hate it hate it hate it.
why were you so weak?
their words got to you.
weak.
disgusting.
freak.
whore.
filthy.
slut.
bitch.
it was too much.
you couldn't take it.
throwing your current project to the ground.
shattering the small mechanical puppet you tried to build.
ever since little brother told you of the boy who made robots you had wanted to try.
but it always failed.
it never fucking worked.
you were isolated.
alone.
physically and mentally.
drop it.
drop the façade.
stop playing pretend.
stop acting like it doesn't get to you.
get under your skin.
lash out.
nobody is here.
nobody will see.
nobody will know.
and so you screamed out .
smashing the splintered creation .
crushing it beneath your feet.
you'd tied your heart up with lies.
lies.
you're a filthy liar.
lies and lies and lies.
that's all you knew.
you told yourself that your creations will make you happy.
they didn't.
such an obvious lie.
yet you believed it.
fucking idiot.
obvious lies.
obvious lies you deluded your fragile mind into believing.
into believing some failure like you could create something that could move .
something that could have kept you company.
your failures.
it only hurt more.
how do you stop the pain ?
can you stop the pain ?
or was you forever stuck with it?
you were.
you deserve such pain of course.
lock it.
lock it away.
lock your heart away.
it'll be ok.
hide it.
hide it from anyone.
life is easier that way.
if only someone showed you an easy way to live that didn't make you shy away from all of humanity.
does such a way exist?
of course not.
humanity disgusts you.
huh?
after your little , ahem , rampage , you noticed a boy staring.
one of the two school weirdo's according to little brother.
he's the robots one right?
the one who had inspired your dull mind.
your fit might've upset him.
you destroyed what would've been a good project.
it would've done well.
if you weren't such a fuck up.
he came over.
you quickly dried your eyes, maintaining a blank face.
"hey , your miss (S/N) right? "
his voice was nice.
you nod.
"just (S/N) works."
"that feels a bit rude miss (S/N) ."
how's it rude?
he's just formal.
why so formal ?
who knows.
maybe that's just how he was?
"I'm Kamishiro Rui."
"suits you Mr Rui ." you give a simple nod.
he smiles.
why's he smiling ?
odd.
so , so odd.
his smile brought you warmth.
no.
stop that.
don't lose your blank stare.
"I didn't know you made robots too ,
Mr Akito told me you were into mechanics ,
but never said what specifically"
gah.
you shake your head.
you give a nervous laugh ,
"little brother told me about you ,
said you could make robots."
he nods ,
letting you continue talking.
"I thought that was really cool ,
and I wanted to try ,
since all I've made before are simple communication devices .
as you can see ,
I failed miserably."
god you felt shit.
he smiles ,
holding your hands in his own.
they were warm ,
compared to your own.
yours felt frozen.
"how about I teach you ?"
your face fell into shock .
he'd do that?
for someone like you ?
amazing.
he was so nice.
you vigorously nod .
"thank you so much !"
Rui was kind.
so , so kind.
your broken ,
fractured ,
inflamed heart.
didn't hurt so much anymore.
you kept your façade .
but deep down .
you liked him.
ah who are you kidding?
you love him.
it was a different feeling than how you expected it to be.
you knew love to be hurtful.
you knew love to be upsetting.
you loved your parents.
and now ,
they were gone.
but the love you felt toward Rui was different.
this love was soft.
this love was gentle.
this love was uplifting.
this love.
it was wrong.
Rui deserved better .
not some ,
some filthy low life like you.
you were a horrible person.
you hate humanity.
and yet.
you were part of it.
humanity is filthy.
you are filthy.
humanity is sinful.
you are sinful.
humanity is bad.
and so are you .
Rui wasn't part of such a disgraceful thing.
Rui was perfect in your eyes.
you were allergic to people.
but not him.
he was something more than that.
but this love was wrong.
the worst of humanity.
and the perfect guy.
that love could never be.
your filth would taint him.
it had already begun.
you needed to stop it before it got out of hand.
how on earth did you get here?
clinging to the loop around your tightened neck.
eyes closed.
running away from your issues.
your feet high from the floor .
close your eyes ,
run away and forget you even exist.
you sent out a cry for help ,
to the only one you knew.
"Rui ,
can you come over maybe ?
if you do ,
please don't call me (S/N).
I am (Y/N) (L/N)."
maybe your SOS for help will be answered.
maybe you SOS for help won't be answered.
all you could do was wait.
it never came so you may be dead.
but.
you weren't.
help came.
you just were too dizzy to see them.
one.
two.
three.
four.
five.
continuous blinking.
eyes blurred.
the obvious lies Rui had told you.
"I enjoy your company"
"you're amazing y'know?"
the lies gave you so much pain.
so much fear.
wait.
why fear?
what was you afraid of?
ah.
you were afraid that the lies ,
were not actually lies.
you were afraid it was the truth.
ow.
"you should stop that you know ?
it'll hurt more the more you do it."
Rui held your hands,
running his thumb over your fingers ,
nails coated in blood from your scratching.
scratching at gaping wounds all over.
you couldn't stop.
you had tried.
Rui couldn't know of your feelings.
locking your painful heart up.
locking your sinful emotions up.
"so (Y/N) "
huh.
huh?
(Y/N)?
he.
he didn't call you miss?
a small smile graces your lips.
"just know ,
I'm here for you."
he pulls you into a gentle hug.
what?
no.
no no no.
he can't be saying what he's saying.
you refuse to accept it.
won't the world show you an easy way to die?
there was no end to your hurt.
"(Y/N) , I lov-"
"no."
he froze, confused.
"what ?"
you felt awful.
"no you don't love me."
you are awful.
"I do (Y/N)"
he sounded broken.
"no no no.
you can't you can't you can't.
your perfect for fucks sake.
I'm just, I am the worst."
he looked heartbroken.
this is for the best.
remember this.
he shouldn't be around such an antisocial wreck like yourself.
your only dragging him down.
"me?
perfect?
you must be joking.
(Y/N) ,
if either of us is perfect it's you."
liar.
he's a liar.
"your lying.
I love you Rui I truly do ,
but you shouldn't be with someone who's allergic to people."
his smile.
his smile that you adore.
but why is he smiling?
again he smiles without cause.
"I love you no matter what."
you shake your head ,
again going to tell him he shouldn't love you.
but maybe , he can make the hurting end.
"even with your people allergy."