''Can we talk?''
You look into Bucky's room and nod, walking inside. You look at him, unsure of where you should sit. Bucky quickly sits up and pats the space in front of him.
''Sit down.'' He smiles at you. ''Please.''
You sit on his bed and clear your throat. ''What did you want to talk about?''
''Us.'' He reaches over to you and takes your hand in his, gently caressing the back of your hand with his thumb. ''I miss you.'' He says softly.
He looks down at your hands too scared to look into your eyes. You sigh and pull your hand away from his.
''Bucky. You can't just use me as your teddy bear, then push me aside until you feel like you need me again.''
''That's not what I was doing, I swear.'' He looks up, directly into your eyes; feeling guilty for making you feel this way. ''I've been away from people for so long, sometimes I have a hard time dealing with my emotions and talking about how I feel. I'm more used to just pushing people away and shutting down. I've been trying really hard to stop doing that but sometimes I still struggle.'' He bites his lower lip. ''And I have all those stupid insecurities about Steve that go all the way back to the 30s that just came rushing back and I handled it like an asshole. I'm sorry.''
Your brow raises as your confusion shows on your face. ''Insecurities about Steve? What insecurities?''
He lets his head fall backwards, looking at the ceiling. ''It's embarrassing.'' He groans.
He takes a deep breath and brings his head back to face you but he avoids looking directly in your eyes, too ashamed.
''When we were young... Steve and I were always together and people tended to prefer him over me. Except for the girls but for the things that truly mattered Steve was the favorite, I was always the second choice and that was before he was Captain freakin' America and I was the Winter Soldier and got this.'' He raises his left arm and lowers it again. ''Now even the girls choose him over me.''
He laughs sadly and rubs his hands over his face as if he was trying to find the courage to say what he really wanted to tell you. He runs his fingers into his hair, pushing it back and away from his face and finally looks into your eyes.
''When you started to hangout with Steve more and asked him to go with you to see Bruce, I got jealous. I know you and Steve were friends way before I got to the compound and I don't own you, you can be friends with whoever and hangout with whoever but... You're my girl, y'know? I got scared you didn't want to hangout with me anymore so I pushed you away. It's no excuse, it doesn't make it right. I know it was wrong, on so many levels, but I'm still messed up, baby. I'm sorry I pushed you away and I hurt you, I swear it was just a defense mechanism and I didn't do it on purpose to hurt you.''
You feel bad for Bucky. You know what he's saying is the truth, everyone has their insecurities but not everyone is best friends with America's golden boy while also being one of the deadliest ex-assassins in history.
''You should have told me all of this, Bucky. I would have understood, and it would have hurt a lot less. I have said it before and I will say it again because it's the truth. You aren't the Winter Soldier and what he did isn't on you. It's on all those jackasses who thought it was ok to brainwash someone until they weren't able to think for themselves or act of their own freewill. I would never just leave you one day and not say anything. I care way too much about you to do something like that to you. Steve was my friend first, that is true. He's like my big, much much older brother and you well... It's different with you.''
You want to tell him about how you truly feel about him but confessing your love for him while being on the run and stuck in a safe house alone together would make things extremely awkward if he rejects you.
He wouldn't, but you didn't know that.
Bucky knows exactly what you mean when you say it's different with him because you love him but he was going to wait as long as it takes to hear it from you, and not from Steve or Sam.
''It is different with us. Do you think you can forgive me?''
You sigh softly. ''Of course I forgive you.''
He grins. ''You do? You really do?''
''Yes.'' You smile.
''Does that mean you'll start sleeping with me again?''
The hope in his voice makes you feel horrible for what you're about to say.
''Not tonight, ok? Just- Just give me some time, please.''
His smile disappears almost as fast as it had appeared. ''It's ok, I get it.''
He leans forwards to gently kiss your cheek and leans back. ''Thank you.''
You reach over to him and squeeze his hand gently and stand up. ''Goodnight, Bucky.''
He watches you walk out. ''Goodnight, baby.''
You climb into your bed and under the covers, feeling horrible. Bucky put everything on the table and gave you a chance to do the same but you chickened out. He told you about his insecurities and the least you could have done is to tell him how you really feel, but you were too scared.
You both leave your bedroom doors open, the light coming from the hallway allows you to see in each other's room, just enough to make you feel safe.
To no one's surprise, you aren't able to fall asleep. Your body feels even more restless as it knows that the one person who could make you feel at peace was a few feet away and you are voluntarily keeping yourself away from him. You get annoyed with yourself with each hour that passes where you don't sleep.
It's been almost 3 hours now and you have reached your limit.
You grab the covers and throw them away from your body. You didn't realize how warm it was in your bed until you were standing next to your bed in your shorts and tank top, shivering. You walk slowly and silently to Bucky's bedroom, if he was asleep you didn't want to wake him up.
You stand in the doorway and look at his figure on the bed. He's laying in the middle of the bed, taking most of the space and his eyes are closed. Of course he would be asleep, it's the middle of the night and you told him you weren't going to sleep with him. You don't know why you were surprised. You had a chance and you threw it away. You slowly turn around to make your way back to your bed.
Bucky can't fall asleep, no matter how comfortable he is or how long he keeps his eyes closed. It's just not happening and he knows he can't go to you because you asked him to give you time and he will respect your decision, even if he craves your touch so much it's physically hurting him.
Even with his eyes closed, he can see that his room got darker. Like something was blocking the light coming from the hallway. It can't be... but what if it is? He opens his eyes just in time to see you turn around to leave. He sits up.
''Baby? Are you ok?''
You quickly turn around. ''I thought you were sleeping, I'm sorry if I woke you up.''
He shakes his head. ''Not at all. I still can't sleep without you.'' He confesses.
You bite your lower lip.''Me either...'' You admit, barely above a whisper but Bucky hears it clear as day. ''Does your offer still stand...?'' You ask shyly, pointing at his bed.
He feels his heart racing in his chest when his brain finally comprehends what you're asking him. ''Hell yes, get in here.''
Thankfully for you, the sound of his own heart pounding in his chest was so loud in his ears that it covered up the sound of your heart doing just the same. It was a strange mix of hesitation, doubt and excitement. You didn't need to be told twice, you quickly walked to the side of his bed.
''Close the door, please.''
You are in his room now, he doesn't need the door to be opened. You go back and close the door, plunging the entire room in darkness. There isn't a single source of light and you can't see your own hand in front of your body.
Bucky waits for you to climb in but he doesn't hear you move. ''Are you still there?''
''Yes.'' You chuckle. ''I just need to let my eyes adjust to the dark, I can't see anything and I don't know this room. I don't want to break a toe by hitting a piece of furniture.''
He laughs. ''That would suck. Just walk in a straight line and I'll tell you when to stop.''
You frown.
''I can see in the dark... Y'know, bein' a super soldier and all.''
''Oooh. Right. Duh.'' You roll your eyes.
You walk slowly in a straight line, or what you hope is a straight line and stop when Bucky tells you to. You were finally close enough to see the bed and quickly climbed on the mattress and under the covers.
His need to feel you against him is almost feral and his hands are twitching from how hard he was trying to keep them to himself.
He watches as you lie on your side, facing him and he does the same. He lifts his hand up and pushes a strand of your hair back to tuck it behind your ear. He strokes your cheek with his knuckles before pulling his hand away. He can't stop himself and looks at you, his eyes smiling at you just as much as his lips were. The ache that had been crushing his chest since the last time you had slept in his bed is finally disappearing and he feels like he can breathe again.
You are laying face to face but aren't touching each other, and though it was comforting to be in the same bed it was weird to be this close and yet so far at the same time.
''Can you come closer?'' Bucky asks you shyly.
You wiggle a little closer, you weren't even sure if it was enough to be noticeable. ''Like this?''
Bucky laughs softly. ''Closer.''
You move, just a little. ''How about now?''
You look at him innocently but he knows damn well you're teasing him.
''That's how you want to play it, uh?'' He raises a brow defiantly.
''I don't know what you're talking about.'' You quickly bite your lower lip to try and hide the smile that's threatening to form.
''Fine.'' He huffs, pretending to be annoyed. ''I'm done asking nicely.''
He doesn't give you time to speak as he grabs your waist and brings you to his chest. You let out a little squeak, surprised. He holds you flush to his chest and looks down in your eyes, his smile somehow bigger than it was a minute ago.
If he had to explain how he felt in this moment, he doesn't think he'd be able to. This is the first time he's had you this close to him in almost two weeks but it's also the first time since he realized how madly in love with you he is. He feels his entire body tingling, the same tingling he'd feel when he'd get out of cryo, the first sign of his body thawing. You brought him back to life, as dramatic as it sounds that's the best way he could describe how he feels.
Your breath catches a little in your throat but it seems like he was too deep into his own thoughts to notice, which you were grateful for as it would have been embarrassing.
You move your arm, going under his and once you manage to sneak under the mountains of muscles he calls biceps, you let your hand rest against the middle of his back. You feel him shiver at your touch and it seems to bring him out of his thoughts. He tightens the grip he has on you which brings you a smidge closer to his body, not that there was any more space between your bodies. He rests his forehead against yours and stares directly into your eyes. now being the one to cause you to shiver.
''Hi.'' He whispers.
''Hi.'' You answer with a whisper.
''I missed you.'' He moves his hand up and down your back.
''I missed you, too.''
''Let's not fight ever again, ok?''
You chuckle. ''Ok.''
''I'm serious.'' His hand leaves your back and suddenly appears between the two of you. He holds out his pinky and gives it a quick nod, making you look down. ''Pinky promise.''
Your own hand leaves the comfort of his back to join his hand between your bodies. You wrap your pinky around his finger.
''Promise to never fight again.''
You can't help but smile at how serious he was being. ''I promise to never fight with you ever again.''
''IF we fight, and that's a big if, we have to make up before we go to bed. No one goes to sleep angry, sad or hurt.'' He adds.
''No one goes to sleep angry, sad or hurt.'' You repeat.
He smiles. ''Now you have to kiss it.''
You roll your eyes playfully but you still bring your hands to your lips and kiss your own hand. He quickly does the same thing with his and grins.
''You're such a dork.'' You tell him, laughing.
''One of my many, many qualities.'' He winks at you.
You throw your head back, laughing. Somehow he manages to be dorkier by the second.
Bucky takes advantage of the easy access he has to your neck and quickly nuzzles his face against the crook of your neck, shamelessly breathing you in. You try not to hit him as you lower your head and smile at the sudden outburst of affection.
''Comfy down there?'' You tease as you bring your hand up to his head to play with his loose hair.
''You have no idea.''
You smile at how honest he was being. Your eyes flutter shut and you yawn, as if your body recognized Bucky and decided that it was finally ok for you to sleep again.
''We should probably try to sleep a few hours.''
You nod slightly. ''Yes.''
''Good night, baby.'' He places a few gentle kisses on your shoulder.
''Good night, Jamie.''
Bucky feels his heart skip a few beats when he hears you call him Jamie, no more Bucky and he's never been more relieved to hear his first name. He usually hates when people call him anything that isn't Bucky or Buck but with you it's the complete opposite. You only call him Bucky when you are either very mad, when you are being serious and you want him to listen or when you talk about him to someone else. Jamie means that he has his girl back. Finally. This time he's never letting you go, he'll make sure of that.
He is so excited and happy that for a few minutes he completely forgets where you are and why you are there, for a few minutes you are back in his room, in his bed, in your little bubble where it's just the two of you and he feels like he's untouchable. That's how he imagines the two of you as he falls asleep with his head buried in your neck, while you had fallen asleep several minutes ago almost instantly after saying good night.
You spend the remainder of the night in this exact position, neither of you moved nor did you wake up. It was the first time since before you had left for your mission with Steve and Nat that you were able to sleep without being woken up or without being unable to sleep at all.
Bucky's room was peaceful. The blinds were the kind that don't let the light come in, but more importantly it kept the light in, which was an important feature for a safe house and kept the sun from coming in and waking you up. The only sounds that could be heard were you and Bucky breathing.
Unfortunately, this peaceful moment was interrupted by an alarm blaring through the house, waking you up in a second. You sit up quickly, your heart pounding in your chest. You turn around to grab your gun from your nightstand, except this isn't your room and you left your gun across the hall.
Bucky gets up and goes through his bag, getting two guns out. He makes sure they are both loaded and that the safety is on and then tosses you one that you easily catch. You take a second to tie up your hair and walk over to Bucky's bedroom door. You look down at your clothes and mentally curse at yourself for choosing to wear these to bed. Silently hoping you won't have to fight anyone in your pjs.
You put your hand on the doorknob and look at Bucky. He raises his gun, takes off the safety and places his finger close to the trigger, he nods to let you know he's ready.
You open the door slowly and just enough to be able to look at what's going on outside, once you're sure it's safe, you open it completely and raise your gun; doing the exact same thing Bucky did with his. You walk around, checking the bathroom and your own room before moving to the kitchen and living room. There's no one in sight and it doesn't seem like someone tried to break in. You walk over to the computer that controls the security system and type in your code, shutting the alarm off. You sigh in relief, welcoming the sudden silence.
''What happened?'' Bucky asks, keeping an eye out on your surroundings just in case.
''I don't know, hold on.'' You go through the different systems in the computer and see a message that was sent directly into the system, hence why there was an alarm.
You read the message over and stand up, grabbing Bucky's arm.
''What's wrong?'' He looks at you, you look like you've seen a ghost.
You point to the message on the screen.
Safe house compromised, get out now. Ears everywhere.
Meet me at the following address.
Make sure you are not followed.
You read the message again. It was sent by Fury, so you know it's serious.
''Come on, baby. We have to go.''
He pulls you out of your thoughts and you finally start moving again. You both rush to your rooms and pack the few things you had taken out, you change into more appropriate clothes and strap your different holsters to your legs. You hadn't put them on yesterday, in case you needed to blend in but now Bucky was in immediate danger and you wanted to be ready for anything. You take your knife and slide it into place, doing the same thing with one of your guns then tuck one behind your back in your waistband, covering it with your shirt and jacket.
''Ready?'' Bucky asks from your doorway, bag in one hand and gun in the other.
''Yes, let's go.'' You grab your bag and your car keys and walk to the garage, down the steps and to the car. You toss your bag in the back.
''Want me to drive?'' Bucky offers, tossing his bag next to yours. He slides his gun into his own thigh holster and looks back at you.
You shake your head no. ''I'm good.''
''You sure?''
''I promise.''
That's good enough for him and he sits in the passenger seat, not forgetting to put on his seatbelt this time. You sit behind the wheel and you start the car while putting on your seatbelt. You put the car in reverse and take the remote that opens the garage door. Your thumb hovering over the button hesitantly, you were scared of what might be waiting for you on the other side. What if you saw the message too late and whoever is after Bucky is just waiting for you to come out?
Bucky notices your hesitation and reaches over to you, he puts his hand on your thigh and squeezes it gently.
''It's ok. We'll be ok. Neither of us can die, right? We got this.''
Technically, it wasn't true. Bucky could die, just not as easily as a normal person would and not from natural causes but it wasn't the time to correct him, though your nerves were slowly getting to you and you almost let it slip out.
You take a deep breath and push the button. You wait until the door is opened enough to fit the car and you get the two of you out of there.
The further you get from the safe house, the easier it is for you to breathe. You aren't usually this much on edge but the lack of sleep is starting to get to you, not to mention the fact that you were woken up by an alarm that could wake the dead. Not the best way to start your day.
You went down the same back roads from yesterday, thinking it was your safest bet. There weren't a lot of buildings but a lot of open spaces that would make it easy for you to see if someone was coming from either direction.
You had been so busy focusing on the road and making sure that no one was following you that you hadn't noticed that Bucky's hand was still on your thigh, just above your knee. Once you notice that it's there, you start to feel how warm his hand is through your jeans and it oddly helps to calm you down.
''We're almost there.'' You tell him, breaking the silence after 30 minutes.
You actually just passed it but you really want to make sure no one is following you so you go back and forth on the streets around you.
Only when you are sure that you're safe, you finally allow yourself to relax completely and turn around to go to the address Fury had sent.
As you get closer, you get this feeling that something is wrong. Your alarms go off inside, something definitely isn't right but you can't tell what it is.
Bucky glances at you from the corner of his eye and sees that something is bothering you but he doesn't say anything.
You finally arrive at an abandoned warehouse. You slow down and drive inside through the giant gap where, you guess, had once been a door. You park the car out of sight and turn off the engine. Bucky takes off his seatbelt and puts his hand on the door handle but you stop him by putting your hand on his forearm.
''Something's not right.'' You chew on your bottom lip, your mind racing with thoughts.
''What is it?'' He lets go of the door and turns to face you.
''Why would Fury have access to Tony's safehouses? They aren't a part of the Avengers program, he's the one who decided to have them to make sure everyone could have somewhere to go in case something went wrong.''
You look up at Bucky. ''How would he know where we are when even Steve and Tony don't know? How could he know that the safehouse is compromised if the only alarm that went off was the message he sent? Why wasn't Tony the one to contact us? or Steve? Especially after Tony kicked him out and told him we aren't his to supervise.''
All the pieces finally fall into place and your eyes widen.
''Bucky! I'm so fucking stupid.'' You start looking around. ''I just made us leave the safehouse and drove us right into a trap.''
''Don't say that you're stupid, you are from it and you didn't make us do anything, we both agreed that we needed to get out. This isn't on you.''
Your heart is racing in your chest. ''We need to get out of here.''
Just as the words left your mouth, you heard a loud ''clang''. You turned around to look through the back window, you were right to think the gap you had come through was a door. It still was, and now it was shut.
''Fuck.''
''Hey.'' Bucky grabs you by the chin to make you look at him. ''We are getting out of here, in one piece. Together. Ok?''
You nod and he pulls you closer, kissing your forehead. He lets go of you and takes out his gun. ''We can't stay in here, we gotta move.''
You take the gun from your holster and take a deep breath. ''You stay behind me, ok? I'll take the hits.''
''I won't have to, baby.'' He smiles reassuringly at you and swings the door open, quickly getting out.
You follow him a second later, both of your guns pointed in the air and your eyes looking around you, never focusing on one spot for too long.
The warehouse was almost completely empty, there wasn't even a second story. There aren't many places to hide which is both an advantage and a disadvantage for you.
''Do you see something?'' You ask Bucky.
''No. You?''
''Me neither. He has to be in here somewhere.'' Your jaw clenches.
You aren't a fan of horror movies and thrillers for this exact reason, waiting for something to come out of the shadows when you know it's there but you don't know when it's going to happen.
''I see you got my message. Nice of you to show up.''
The voice was loud, so loud that it echoed and bounced against the metal walls, making it impossible for you and Bucky to pinpoint from where exactly it was coming. The man has a strong accent but you can't tell what language he normally speaks.
''You can lower your weapons, I'm unarmed.''
You laugh bitterly. ''Yeah, that's not happening.''
''Trust issues, darling?''
You cringe at the nickname but play along. ''Our relationship did start with you pretending to be two different men, darling. I'm sure you understand.''
Bucky quickly catches on what you were doing, trying to keep him talking so he'd give up his position.
''You found yourself a feisty one, Sergeant.''
Bucky smirks. ''Sure did. Wait until she kicks your ass, then you'll see just how feisty she is.''
The man laughs, a genuine amused laugh and it sends shivers down your spine. He's a little too confident for your taste, that can't be a good sign.
''Where the fuck is he?'' You whisper through gritted teeth, your jaw still clenched.
You and Bucky slowly walk into different directions, trying to find where the voice is coming from.
''I'm sorry, agent, but I'm going to have to borrow your partner. Well, it's not really borrowing because he won't be coming back.''
You tighten your grip around your gun. ''I'd like to see you try.''
You know you probably shouldn't enable him but it's like he knows exactly which buttons to push to get a reaction out of you.
''I knew it wasn't going to be an easy task, but thankfully after a little bit of research I found a little book that's going to do most of the work for me.''
Bucky freezes into place, suddenly forgetting how to swallow or breathe. It couldn't be the book. SHIELD had told him that the book had been destroyed when they captured most of the HYDRA team that had tortured him.
''Sergeant Barnes, you might want to say your goodbyes now.''
Bucky had been so confident since the moment you left this morning, he had managed to convince you you were going to be ok but after the man mentioned the book, you felt something shift around you. Bucky's confidence was gone and that terrifies you more than anything else.
''Soldat?''
You heard Bucky rushing towards you, gripping you by the arm once he was close enough. He pulls on your arm and turns you around.
''You gotta get out of here. NOW.''
''If I'm leaving, then you're leaving with me.''
Bucky's eyes fill up with tears only adding to how panicked you are feeling.
''Bucky... You're scaring me.''
Bucky doesn't answer you, but the man does. Not directly, but the moment you heard him say something in Russian you understood what was about to happen. The book, Bucky being scared and now this. Soldat. He was triggering the Winter Soldier.
''We have to get you out of here, if we get far en-''
The second trigger echoes through the warehouse around you.
''We don't have time.'' Bucky puts the safety back on his gun and places it in your holster.
''Jamie...'' You beg him, of what? You aren't sure.
He shakes his head and places his hands on either side of your face, his fingers resting on your cheeks. He looks at you and tries to smile reassuringly at you. Failing miserably.
You lower your hand that's holding your gun and put your free hand on his chest, gripping his shirt.
Bucky leans down as he holds you into place. He presses his lips against yours, finally kissing you. He pours his whole heart into this kiss, trying to make you feel everything he won't have time to say to you before he's gone. He makes mental notes of how soft your lips were against his, just like he had imagined they would be. How your lips tasted like salt because of both of your tears, how you held onto his shirt like somehow it would be enough to keep him with you but most of all he hopes he'll remember how loved he felt in this moment.
The third trigger resonates around you and Bucky pulls away.
''I love you so much, baby.'' He uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears on your cheeks. ''I'm sorry I waited until it was too late to tell you.'' He smiles sadly.
''Now, go. Run.'' He steps back, slowly letting go of your face and you'll forever remember the look of love and pain in his eyes.
''I'm not leaving.''
The fourth trigger is said.
''You have to. Soon I won't be Bucky anymore. I might never be again. I want you as far away as possible from the Winter Soldier.''
The fifth trigger comes and Bucky slowly starts to feel himself go numb.
''I-'' You hesitate. You want to stay but if the winter soldier tries to kill you, it might end up killing Bucky.
The sixth trigger.
You can see in his eyes slowly being drained from any emotion. You can't leave him. You can't let him go through this alone. It's the one thing he was terrified might happen again. You were determined to do everything that you could for him, and that meant staying.
''I'll bring you back.'' You say quickly before he can't hear you anymore.
Bucky looks at you confused, his mind starts to wander.
''I'll bring you back. You're strong, stronger than you were before. I know you can fight your way back to the surface and I'll bring you back. I'm not going anywhere.''
You see a little bit of hope spark in his eyes and it almost makes you smile.
The seventh trigger quickly erases it.
Then the eighth trigger and ninth.
''Jamie, I lov-''
Tenth.
''Soldat?''
Bucky looks into your eyes but there's nothing in his. They are completely devoid of any emotion. They look dead, haunting and it makes your blood run cold.
You instinctively take a few steps back.
''Я готов отвечить''
Bucky's voice is usually filled with warmth and playfulness, it always comforts you but the voice that comes out of his body is completely emotionless and it sends shivers down your spine, and that's when you truly know that Bucky's gone.
The fear that runs through your veins keeps tears from falling, finally able to stop crying.
The man comes out of the shadows but your eyes are glued on Bucky. He comes to stand behind him and tells him something in Russian, by the tone you could tell it was some kind of order or command.
The man stops talking and you see the Winter Soldier come to life in front of your eyes and with the way he was looking at you, you could easily guess what his orders were.
''Report to me when you're done here.''
You try to see where the man exits but you are too scared to take your eyes off of Bucky.
He moves to grab the knife from his thigh holster but his fingers close around nothing. He stares directly into your eyes as he pats himself down, trying to find a weapon but there isn't any. You can't stop yourself from smiling. Of course Bucky got rid of all his weapons, that's why he had placed his gun in your holster even though you already had two.
Bucky's eyes travel down your body, recognizing his own weapons on you.
Your smile quickly disappears as Bucky walks menacingly towards you.
''Shit.''