***lilly***
I wake up at four-thirty in the morning instead of five. I notice the blanket fort and that all the kids are sleeping. The whole thing last night was a wreck. I can't believe I told them. Why did you tell them, Lilliana? They're going to let something slip in conversation and you'll need to go to the hospital to become fat again.
I wanna cry, but I don't want to wake them up. I quietly exit the fort with my phone and look at the blanket fort. It looks so whimsical, and yet, a dark secret engulfs the pale pink fort. My first instinct is to cut myself, punish myself while gaining the needed emotional release. But I couldn't cover up my cuts with anything. So I just look over the edge of the building.
Jump, Lilliana. Nobody and nothing is stopping you. You won't have to perform your straitjacket solo and you won't disappoint Ms. Abby anymore. You won't disappoint your mother or your friends. You won't have to keep being a horrible dancer. You'll finally be happy.
"Can't sleep either, eh?" I hear a small whisper behind me right as I'm about to put a foot on the ledge.
I jump in my skin before whipping around to see Brady. I slowly walk over to him and he just embraces me into a hug. I break down, again, collapsing into Brady. He lifts me and moves me over to a chair away from the fort, him sitting close by.
"Can I ask you a couple more questions?" Brady asks me, and I nod.
"Why did you do this to yourself? You were perfect before this... whole fiasco," he asks and the amount of guilt I feel is tremendous.
How could I do this to my friends? I start crying again but I have to answer her question. You're doing this for Ms. Abby, Lilliana. Your friends are only pretending to care about you.
"Ms. Abby," I mumble and Brady's face goes flat, but doesn't say anything, urging me to go on.
"She always pinched my stomach fat ever since Mommy Dearest and then she kept commenting on my stomach and my feet, and I thought if I lost some weight she- she would stop it and I would be a better dancer," I whisper the last couple of words and I bring my knees to my chest.
"She's wrong. You're a great dancer and you don't need to do this to yourself," Brady tells me and I feel even worse.
"I can't just stop, though. My brain, these- urges, I guess, tell me to do this stuff. I have to follow them or else they call me bad things," I try my best to explain to the teenager.
"What do they tell you?" Brady asks me and I shut down, shaking my head no.
"I don't want to tell you. It would hurt you too much," I plead to him, and luckily, he doesn't make me tell him anymore.
"Okay, we don't have to talk about that anymore. But Elliana did mention something about a bad experience with a straitjacket. Can you tell me any more about that?" he asks me and I shake my head no, starting to shake, my breath constricting at the memory of the hospital.
***brady***
She was about to jump, wasn't she? No, that's crazy. She wouldn't do that. At least she's in a chair now. Having a panic attack, but she's not on the edge of a building that would kill her instantly if she even just accidentally fell.
I walk over to her and put a hand on her ribcage. It's expanding, so she is breathing, and she's not having an allergic reaction or anything.
"Lilly, in through your nose, out through your mouth. I know the straitjacket is scary for you. I know whatever happened must have been scary. I'm here, and at the competition, everybody will be there if you need anything. Okay?" I remind her, and she calms down a bit.
I start rubbing her back and she desperately grips my arm tightly, like she's trying to find something to ground her to reality.
"S-She's g-gonna fi-find me," she weakly mumbles, her face full of fear and panic, breaking me internally.
***lilly***
Shoot. I let it slip. Brady looks at me in confusion. You're making Brady worried, Lilliana. You're such a bad person. You're so mean for making your teammate worried.
"There was a nurse when I went to the hospital. Sh-she did bad things. Like p-put me in a s-straitjacket and all I-I could he-hear was h-her voice for h-hours until another person f-found me, and-" I confess to him, and he crouches down to my level.
"You know that's illegal, right?" he asks me, and I nod.
"Mom f-filed a lawsuit, but it was denied. But I don't like hospitals. So, please don't put me in one," I plead with him, and after a few minutes, he nods before the alarm goes off in the tent.
"Brady? Lilly?" I hear Pressley's voice ring as she comes outside.
"Here. We just needed some fresh air," Brady fabricates, and Pressley hugs him and then hugs me.
"Your secret is safe with me, Lils. But please, try to eat. I don't want you to die," Pressley begs as the sleepyheads start making their way out of the fort.
"I won't," I promise before I start disassembling the fort with the other girls.
"Last night was... something else," Gia says, and we all glare at her.
"Gia! Shut up!" Pressley barks at her through clenched teeth, and Gia shuts up.
Once all the blankets and sleeping bags are folded, Sarah and I grab the keys that our mothers provided for us and my stuffed llama. Since there's only one elevator, we all have to fit into one tiny elevator that can barely fit four people. Try seven people plus sleeping bags plus blankets. Screeching and screaming are heard as Hannah keeps having to hold the button to keep the elevator doors open, and I'm flung about, being the shortest one in the group.
Eventually, after a painstaking two minutes, my back is painfully pressed on the cold metal wall of the elevator and I'm squished in front by Gia. I fight my way out when it becomes my stop with Elliana, Gia, and Sarah.
"Time for competition," Sarah mutters as I give her a warning look.
She looks unwilling and hesitant, reluctant to keep the secret, but puts a finger up to her lips and winks. I smile gratefully as I unlock the door. Sarah's going to snitch, Lilliana. You can't trust anybody.
"Girls, go get your clothes on and your hair done. We have to leave for the studio in fifteen minutes. I don't know why we're even getting a coach bus for a venue thirty minutes anyway, but go! Now!" Mom orders as Sarah and I rush to my room to retrieve our clothes.
We grab our yellow and black ALDC outfits, and Sarah puts her hair in a high side ponytail. Just like JoJo's. Mom quickly and messily teases my hair for my solo. We even get to put JoJo bows in our hair. Mom discreetly hands me my medicine, and I swallow them.
"You know, these pills don't even work," I whisper to Sarah, who in return, giggles sadly.
"Let's go!" Ms. Michelle shouts and we grab our suitcases, our parents grabbing our costumes.
We go in Ms. Michelle's car and make it to the studio right on time. We don't even have to enter the studio, we just enter the bus. JoJo is already on the bus and gives each of us hugs as we enter on the bus. JoJo is so nice.
"You guys are gonna crush it today!" JoJo tells us, all excited as she sits with Sarah on the bus.
Sarah gives me an exciting look and I give her one back. What a lucky duck. Nurse Charlotte's going to find you at the competition, Lilliana. She's going to see the fat and horrible dancer you are on the stage, and grab you.
I have to get over my fear of the straitjackets if I wanna survive today. Hannah sits with me, and I try to block out the images and get over them. And we're also dancing in water. Oh, God, this is a trainwreck.
"Hey girls, did you know that there is the largest crowd to date going to watch us?" Ms. Ashley reveals to us.
We open our mouths in shock. We all chatter excitedly, as for me, I'm just pretending. So many people are going to see you fail on stage, Lilliana. You should just pull out of the competition.
"You all are going to do great! I can't wait!" Ms. Jessalynn states, and well all shout out our thanks.
Eventually, we pull up and there is a mob of JoJo and ALDC fans. We all start panicking as we walk through the crowd, taking photos and quickly making our way through the crowd. We all watch through the door, safe from the crowd, as a sparkly JoJo is on Ms. Abby's wheelchair lowers and the crowd goes wild, chanting her name.
We make our way to the dressing room and I immediately take out the JoJo bows I'm wearing. It makes my head hurt. I don't know how JoJo could do that every day for years and years on end. This is my first dance competition as an anorexic. Let's hope nothing goes wrong.
"Guys, think about it, all these people are here to see JoJo, and she started right here in this room," Ashley reminds us.
You're never going to be like JoJo, Lilliana. You're going to be like the girls that nobody ever remembers. You're never going to be famous. We suddenly hear screaming and whooping enter the dressing room.
"It's scary! Too fast! Going too fast!" JoJo yells as we realize she's on the back of Abby's wheelchair, clinging onto Ms. Abby's headrest.
"All right girls, did you see the crowds?" Ms. Abby asks and we nod.
"There's a lot of studios here today. It's gonna be tough competition," Ms. Ann nervously mentions.
"The dancers are good in Pittsburgh," Michelle mentions.
Mom does dark makeup under my eyes, making me look like a deranged psycho. She basically makes the place from the bottom of my cheekbones purple and adds a dark red lip. She puts me in the straitjacket and feeds me a Venlafaxine. She doesn't buckle my arms together, but it still makes me shake in fear. Nurse Charlotte is going to find you, Lilliana. She'll find you and take you.
"Sarah, you have a long mane. Don't trip over it. Do good. Do your solo. I need to see everything on stage. I'm talking faces, I'm talking technique, the whole shabang," Ms. Abby shouts and Sarah nods.
"Alright, Elliana, I watched an old solo that you did last night and it was amazing. It was two years ago, and you're doing the same stuff, like, the same way. It should be way beyond that now," Ms. Abby tells Elliana and I look at my rival.
She has a dainty pink dress, a dainty bunch of pink flowers in her head, a dainty bun, and a plastic butcher knife in her hand. What a scary and frightening case of juxtaposition.
"Now, you want to go to premieres and you want to perform and your interests changed, and you need to get back to the basics, and you need to work on that technique again," Ms. Abby informs Elliana.
"Lilly, we need to tease your hair more. C'mere," Ms. Abby orders to me, and a shiver goes down my back and my foot shakes as she teases my hair.
"You know, Abby, honestly, I don't understand why you're being incredibly mean," Ms. Yolanda blurts.
"That's what I do! Are you kidding me?" Ms. Abby shouts.
"No, I'm not kidding," Ms. Yolanda says in a very serious tone.
"You act like I have no idea who I am. You know what you signed up here for when you came here," Ms. Abby barks, seeming very offended, sending me back to the girls and Brady.
I go near Brady, the one person that understands my fear as Ms. Ashley asks Ms. Yolanda, "She bent over backwards for two and a half weeks for her. Allowed her to still dance, even though she couldn't come to rehearsal. She's had a solo, a duo, and another solo. How are you still gonna say that she's treated badly by Abby?"
"Elliana, let's get over here because I have to pour that pig's blood all over here," Ms. Abby orders.
"I want to help," JoJo pleads with Ms. Abby quietly, and she nods.
Elliana stands in this pink kiddie pool that we have lugged along. JoJo and Ms. Gianna each get a pitcher of pig's blood. Oh my gosh, I wanted to be poured with blood. It looks so real. I watch intently.
"All right, here we go with the blood. There's no turning back," Ms. Abby reminds JoJo and Elliana, and Mom calls me over to talk about my solo, but I only half-listen and quickly let her finish up so I can watch.
"Shut your mouth and close your eyes," JoJo tells Elliana as the moms start recording.
I cover my mouth in disgust as the pig's blood pours all over her, ruining her face, her hair, and her dress. Now she looks like Carrie. It looks so cool.
"All right, there is a lot at stake. We haven't competed in Pittsburgh in years. JoJo is here, you're doing JoJo solos. Be amazing. Carrie, it's obvious. Don't make it small. Make it bigger than life. Lilly, you've escaped from an insane asylum. That somebody dark and evil inside of you is coming out. Do you understand that?" Ms. Abby asks and I nod.
You're a monster, Lilliana. You're the insane girl in real life.
JoJo adds her two cents, telling us, "You want to have good legs and feet. But for your future, you want to have it all. You want to be the full package. It's who is going to have that performance factor that I think is going to come out on top.
Ms. Abby rushes the three of the soloists out, and I stay near Brady. Ms. Gianna accidentally gets run over by Ms. Abby on the way out. Kamryn is also here at the competition, and I'm not gonna lie, I don't know why Ms. Abby kicked her off the team because she's amazing. But she's not competition. Elliana, Sarah, and the urges slash intrusive thoughts are competition.
"I'm sorry," Brady whispers as he straps me into the straitjacket, and I give him a pleading look, but he does it anyway.
I almost start crying but I have to perform. I take a deep breath as I hear the cheers for JoJo. It's showtime. If I do this perfectly, I may get over my fear of straitjackets. This may become my favorite solo if I do everything right. You're never going to do anything right, Lilliana. You never have, and you never will, your performance is going to suck.
I pace around a bit as the announcer announces, "Up next is Lilly with, 'Strait Escape.'"
At least they used my good name. I run on stage, struggling and sneering, eventually looking sad and finding myself facing the back of the stage, knees pulled up to my chest. I'm very very very nervous. What if I fall? I have a disadvantage against Ellie. She has more things she can do.
"La Roux," by Galactic, starts playing and I lean back and do my center split laying down. I keep going. Nothing is going wrong so far. Sure, panic is bubbling up inside and I could have a breakdown on stage, tears in my eyes, but dance-wise, I'm doing everything perfectly. Suddenly, I nearly fall out of my sissone, but I correct myself at the last moment.
My penché with the somersault goes fine, and so does the backbend into a chest roll. I go into my chest stand, bring my legs behind me, doing the scariest face imaginable, and run off stage. I think I just performed my favorite solo. But I still don't want to wear the straitjacket.
"Get me out, get me out. I did it, but get me out," I plead, bursting into tears, trying to break free.
The girls and Brady quickly get to work untying me and I collapse onto a chair nearby in relief once they get it to the point where it just feels like a heavy jacket. Pressley hands me a water bottle and I gingerly drink it. Hannah puts me on her lap so we can watch the solos together.
I watch Elliana's number, still processing my own solo. "Mother Mary," by Ghost Monroe plays as Elliana does her four-limbed solo. Her solo looks great. It's clean, it has above-average technique, but her facials are lacking. JoJo did say the one with the biggest performance factor was most likely gonna be the winner. Now it's just Sarah.
I'm still shaking in the small amount of panic in my body as Sarah's called on stage and she gets in starting position. "One Less Princess" by The Kinnardlys plays and I watch Sarah dance. She's got the whole package, but she does mess up with her hair twice, and to be honest, she could do harder choreography. Poor Sarah. Set up to fail. You did so much worse than her, Lilliana. She should win or at least come in second. You don't deserve to even place.
"Lilly, time to go back," Gia tells me and I see her extend a hand.
We walk back, Elliana rushing to the showers to get the pig's blood off of her. I'm surprisingly content with my solo. Who knew that this would be such a success for me? JoJo gives me and Sarah a hug, Elliana joining us shortly and receiving the same treatment.
The producers tie me up again and Mom holds me closer to her in comfort. I want out. Someone let me out. Now we have the group dance ahead of us, which is filling me up with even more anxiety with the water element, and even more when JoJo and Ms. Abby, along with Ms. Gianna come in.
"It was really cool to see you guys recreate my dances. I think Ellie, you did Carrie phenomenal. I think Lilly, it was incredible. Sarah, you did great as well. And I'm really happy. You guys made me proud," JoJo tells us, and for a short moment, I feel happy.
She's lying, Lilliana. You did horrible on stage. You should never dance again. Ms. Abby then begins her feedback, starting with me.
"Lilly, I thought your control was great. Pat yourself on the back, kid. Well, you can't, with your hands tied," Ms. Abby comments, and I let out a forced smile and laugh.
"Elliana, I think you looked great and I just thought your acting was outstanding. But, I just don't think your dancing is where it was. We know what you're capable of. Sarah, you did good, but I don't think you did as well as you could. Anyway, I think we need to get ready for the group dance.
I put on the familiar blue pinstripe dress and I feel so loose and comfortable now. The dress covers up everything, whereas my straitjacket only had briefs. You're so horrendously fat, everybody was probably looking at your disgusting legs on stage. Mom puts a ribbon of the same cloth in my hair too.
"Everybody listen! You're gonna do it once, it's sink or swim. No pun intended. So make me look like an idiot and go out there and slip around and be goofballs, or make it the most amazing number they saw today! Brady, you're back this week. You cannot screw up this group dance. It cannot be you," Ms. Abby yells at us.
"Are you at all concerned if, like, they actually slip and hurt themselves, and then they can't dance?" Ms. Joanne asks Ms. Abby.
"Oh, absolutely. I'm putting that on my- you know what, don't think that way," Ms. Abby scolds Ms. Joanne.
"They did it once with water," Ms. Ashley adds.
"Anybody falls down, you get up so fast that I never even saw it. Do not stop that number. I don't care if you have to roll off that stage. All right, please pray to God that no one gets hurt. Let's go," Ms. Abby shouts at us, and I timidly wave at Mom as we exit the dressing room.
"Remember, Lilly, you could always slip, so keep your balance," Mom reminds me and I'm filled with panic as I walk to the sides of the stage.
We watch from the sidelines as they fill the basins up with water, and I clutch onto the stage curtain in fear. You're going to die on that stage, Lilliana. At least you'll be happy when you do. I can't dance fearfully. I have to do it with confidence. But I have none, so I have to do it with fake confidence.
"All right, if you could take your seats, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. This is "Bermuda Triangle," the announcer announces.
Butterflies fill my body as I walk onto the stage and get in my position. "Wade In The Water" by The Rigs starts to play and I start to do the choreography. I don't use a lot of facial expressions from concentration, and I don't dance as big as I normally do, but nobody gets hurt, and I do all my moves correctly. I don't fall when I do my leg extension, nor when I do the arabesque on Brady's back, or Brady and I's lift. I don't know if our dancing is good enough to win, but the water may.
They spend about half an hour drying the stage and I kind of feel bad. Pressley seems to have slipped at one point, but she's behind me in the dance, so I wouldn't have noticed. Finally, after what seems like forever, they clear everybody to crowd the stage for awards. I sit next to Elliana and grip her hand tightly. You're not even going to place because you don't deserve to place, Lilliana. You made so many mistakes and you didn't even realize them.
"Here we go. Top junior soloists. The third-highest score. 'Carrie.' Elliana. Abby Lee," the announcer calls out and I'm left without a hand to squeeze as she gets up to claim her award.
Ms. Abby is going to kill Elliana. And she did so much better than me. I'm definitely not placing. You're a failure, Lilliana. You can't even dance better than Elliana. I shift over to Pressley so I have a hand to squeeze. Sarah doesn't get called for second place. I don't get called for second place. Only one of us can win first. I could win, she could win, and none of us could win.
"Now our first and highest score, with a score of 300 points-" the announcer reveals and my mouth goes agape.
Well, now I'm really not placing. You're never gonna win, Lilliana. You're not ever going to please Ms. Abby. Great.
"Strait Escape, Lilliana," the announcer announces and I'm shocked.
I... got a perfect score? I freeze for a second before putting on a confused smile and accepting my award. What? I got first place. I got a perfect score, a 300. Now I'm part of that "perfect score" club. I get high-fives from everybody. I won the whole thing essentially. I wait to hear of any more perfect scores. None are called out. I won. Now it's time for the group dance placements. Will we disappoint JoJo?
"Top overall groups... four highest score, 'Bermuda Triangle,' Abby Lee," the announcer calls out and a numb tingle of shock and disappointment washes over my body.
You disappointed Ms. Abby and JoJo, Lilliana. You couldn't even get in the top three. What a disappointment you are. A big, fat, mistake. Brady goes up to claim our award, and my once-happy demeanor is gone. When we get off the stage, surprisingly, everybody congratulates me and hugs me.
"I can't believe you got a perfect score!" Elliana squeals, happy for me, despite not winning.
"I probably didn't deserve it," I want to say, but instead, I say, "It's probably my favorite solo."
Everybody claps for me and hugs me, even though I probably don't even deserve it. I hand Mom my award and we await our crucifixion from Ms. Abby. We lost in Pittsburgh, her hometown. And sure enough, Ms. Abby does not look content when she wheels in.
"Lilly, you were the first overall high score for the day, and a perfect score of 300. That's only been done, since I started the junior elite competition team, it's been..." Ms. Abby ventures.
"Three times on the team," Ms. Gianna reveals, and all the moms clap.
Ms. Abby continues, now holding Elliana's knife "Three times on the team, so... And I think this is one of the best solos that ever competed from the ALDC. But other than Lilly, this week was a huge disappointment. The group dance should've won, period. You didn't win, you screwed up. You know what you did wrong!"
"So why didn't we practice in the water more?" Ms. Ann asks, and Ms. Abby is not pleased with her question.
"We could have done it with the water a thousand times, and I could have seven injured dancers on my team," Ms. Abby reasons, and I decide to put on music in an attempt to block out the argument.
Luckily, it works, and I hear the background noise go down after about two minutes, allowing me to take off my Airpods so I can hear Ms. Abby's critiques.
"You were scared, you were frightened, you were afraid because your mothers put that in your head. Elliana, you were third? When you were on the team before, you were threatening kids that were fourteen and fifteen years old. You were a huge threat to them," Ms. Abby says, and Ms. Abby's comment about Elliana turns Ms. Yolanda livid.
"Okay, let's go ahead and stop perseverating in the past, and you know what? It would have been nice if you would have been invested in my daughter like you were in hers!" Ms. Yolanda yells, and I grow worried.
Why am I being entered into this conversation? And why am I the bad guy? I know Ms. Yolanda is faking because Mom and she are still friends, but why is she doing this? Right after I change into the yellow ALDC outfit, the argument gets even more heated. Ms. Ann tells us all to wait outside. Sarah helps me out because I'm frozen in place.
"Lilly, you did great, okay? My mom just wants some stupid airtime," Elliana reassures me and takes my hand.
I nod, still not entirely believing it. Elliana must be devastated.
"I just don't get it," Elliana continues, starting to cry. "Why can't Ms. Abby just be there for me. I'm not good enough for her."
"No, listen. You did great. You're a great dancer, and you wouldn't be on the team if Ms. Abby didn't want you here," Gia tries to reassure her and we all give her a massive hug.
We see Mom storm out the room and start screaming at one of the producers, and we all back away from her, finding a dead-end hallway to camp out in as we hear screaming. I cover my ears and everything starts turning fuzzy.
~~~~~
Why am I in a third-person view? I can't feel anything except fear and panic and I can just see the girls trying to get my attention. I want to, but I can't say anything. Eventually, everything gets fuzzy, and since we're all wearing the same yellow ALDC sweatshirts now, I can't tell who is who. I'm placed in somebody's lap, but I can't tell. Slowly, the third-person view goes dark.
~~~~~
"Lilly, hey hey hey, wake up, I guess?" I hear Pressley's voice and I snap out of my daze, immediately shaking in shock, trying my best.
"You had this-this blank look on your face and you were really pale, and you looked dead. Were you in shock or something or-" Elliana tells me, and I immediately start crying in Hannah's arms.
"Hey, hey, hey, what's the matter?" Sarah asks me, and I start shaking my head no.
"I don't know. I got so scared from the yelling and- and I could only see in third-person and- and then stuff got blurry and then I-I came back and I don't know. It-It was like look-looking at a window. Scary, it's scary," I stutter before burying my head in Hannah's neck, sobbing profusely.
After a second of confusion amongst the kids, Brady suddenly lights up and informs me, "Lilly, I think you were dissociating."
"Dissociating?" I mumble back, confused.
"My dad's friends, they were in the army, and basically, at least with you, your-your brain can't handle the stress, so it will force yourself to see yourself from the outside so you don't really remember the trauma during those stressful times, I think," Brady explains and we all look at him with quizzical looks.
"Alrighty then. The most important thing is, are you okay?" Pressley asks me and I lie, nodding.
"Lilly, it's okay not to be okay," Hannah mumbles and I quickly reply, "I know."
"Kids! Wherever you are, the bus is leaving in five minutes! Come on!" I hear Ms. Abby's voice and we all quickly stand up.
I brush off the nonexistent dust and Brady grabs my hand. I think he's trying to act like a protector. Protecting me, trying to help me away from my problems. Pressley too. But nobody can really protect me. You'll always be sick, Lilliana. You will never be happy, you will never be healthy. You are going to die alone with nobody.
After we all sadly say goodbye to JoJo, who somehow is not going with us on the tour bus, we get on the coach bus. Brady gets the window seat and Pressley squishes on the other side of me, even though this is only a two-seater. Mom and Ms. Yolanda are laughing. It was all fake. I sigh in relief.
"Pressley, Brady, Lilly, what are you doing?" Ms. Ashley asks us as she walks by and we shrug.
Once all the moms are on the back, and Ms. Abby is on the bus, we start moving.
"Brady, I don't like the dissociating thing. Or this anxiety thing. I don't like it," I whisper.
"I know, I know. Just get some sleep, okay?" he whispers back and I rest my head on his shoulder.
Pressley lays her head on my shoulder, and I slowly see the world turning black as I succumb to sleep.
~~~~~