I have another nightmare during the night. Same ol' nightmare, but instead of Nurse Charlotte, it's Ms. Abby. Mom doesn't wake me up, once again. I may have also cut myself once in my bedroom, but another bandaid solved the problem of the blood.
Speaking of the cuts, I should probably look at them. My wrist looks like a cat scratched them up, all of the cuts layered up on top of each other. Some small, some big. Some white, some purple. Some healed, some healing. Nothing a little foundation can't fix.
You're gonna fall in the straitjacket solo, Lilliana. And then you're vulnerable, and then someone is going to take you to the mental hospital and then you're gonna be fat and you're never going to be a professional actor or dancer when they realize you've had eating disorders.
I know Ms. Abby is going to make comments about everything. My body, my feet, my emotions. I just know. I chuck another Venlafaxine to my mother's discontent. The Venlafaxine from yesterday probably has completely coursed through my body, so there's a good chance I'll be very loopy and disoriented sometime during the day. Great.
I decide to wear one of my favorite outfits for dance. A red unitard with a big gold star on it and this low-cut blue dance overalls. Ms. Abby is giving us special permission to not have to wear our hair up, so Mom curls my hair and adds a mini ponytail.
I at least have double the calories today than I had yesterday, so my stomach may not hurt as much. It doesn't hurt a lot anymore, but it has an annoying sting sometimes. But my body is getting used to it. My clothes are getting looser. The unitard isn't very skin-tight anymore and the overalls are very big.
I do my makeup, making sure to make it very nice for JoJo. JoJo won't care, Lilliana. She thinks you're worthless anyway. That's why she didn't dance with you in Season 6 and she danced with Elliana. She didn't want to dance with you. What makes you think she'll want to hang out with you now?
I still apply my makeup and take my medicine. Maybe I shouldn't take them on Sunday just to see what happens when I don't take it. I'll probably be an anxious wreck. But why the hell not?
"Since we aren't going to ride a bus out anywhere, we will carpool. Ms. Yolanda is taking you and Gia in fifteen minutes, so grab an Ensure. Ms. Joanne and I will carpool there later, so don't wait up," Mom informs me.
"Okay!" I shout from the bathroom, applying a final layer to my wrists, adding some blue eyeshadow to imply that I have veins.
I grab my dance bag, my phone, and a normal vanilla Ensure. I give Mom a kiss on the cheek and I leave. Of course, I chuck the Ensure in the trash can near the elevator.
"I won't be needing it if I wanna be skinny and pretty," I whisper to myself before running down the stairs.
***elliana***
"Ellie, go ahead and wait in the lobby! I can't find my keys!" Mom yells from her bedroom.
"See you there!" I shout back before I quickly exit the apartment.
I see Lilly in the hallway. Instead of running up to her, I walk back and I notice an Ensure in her hand. I wonder what she's going to do with it. I keep my distance, but get a little closer in case she says anything. I notice how loose her clothes are. I see her approach the trash can and I quickly take out my phone to start recording.
My heart drops as I see the drink descend into the trash can and Lilly whisper under her breath, "I won't be needing this disgusting drink if I wanna be skinny and pretty."
My stomach flips. How long has this... this restricting been going on? How much weight has she lost? I quickly open the group chat minus Lilly. I don't feel bad about doing this anymore because I know my suspicions are right. I quickly upload and text them the video.
Pressley: omg
Sarah: wth
Brady: that's it i'm asking her tonight we have audio proof
Hannahbanana: it's my birthday tho
Sarah: i feel so bad she's the youngest out of all of us
jElliebelly: her clothes are like a size too small
Gia: she came down the stairs gtg
***lilly***
Gia and Ms. Joanne are already downstairs in the lobby when I finish walking down the stairs. Ms. Joanne waves at me and Gia looks at me, types something into her phone, and puts it into her bag. She's talking about how fat you are to her friends, Lilliana. You have to lose more weight.
Elliana comes down shortly after, followed by Ms. Yolanda. After saying goodbye to Ms. Joanne, we all walk out to Ms. Yolanda's car.
Despite it being almost April, I'm still cold. Normally, it would be warmer. Maybe it's from anorexia. It makes you cold. I shiver a bit, but it goes unnoticed by my friends and Ms. Yolanda. This time, I get a window seat and Ellie gets the sad sack of the middle seat. But at least Gia and Ellie get to sit together.
They're giving me pitiful looks during the car ride, and then going back on their phone. They hate you, Lilliana. They're going to start spreading rumors on social media. Social media hates you enough as it is. A little rumor will make your world crash and burn.
Mom would be so upset if a rumor broke out. I shouldn't question them, it would be rude. But I don't want anything to break out. Especially because I haven't done anything wrong. Are they going to spill the fact that I have an eating disorder? They don't even know. All they see is me freak out about food. Not openly admit it.
Eventually, I muster up the courage and text Ellie, "Are you guys starting rumors about me or are you guys just social media addicts on those phones?"
***elliana***
I get a text from Lilly as me and Gia are texting about her. We don't wanna say anything out into the open, obviously, so text is our best shot. Lilly thinks we're starting rumors about her? I did start a rumor throughout the group chat that she has an eating disorder, and unfortunately, it turned out to be true.
I turn to her. She looks so sad and just... gone. She looks me dead in the eye and I shake my head no. She gives a sigh of relief and gives me a thumbs up. How does she even function with the way that she is? She skipped breakfast, and yet, she's still a functioning human being. She needs help.
***lilly***
I believe Elliana. She wouldn't do that. Why would you not trust your friends, Lilliana? You're a bad friend for believing that Elliana and GiaNina would start rumors about you. Luckily, it's only another awkward five minutes until we arrive at the studio.
We get straight into working on the group dance, rehearsing with our costumes on. All the girls have on blue pinstripe dresses that go down to their knees. It's off the shoulder, a strap replacing the sleeve on the exposed shoulder. There's also some ruffles. I'm glad I'm not swimming in the costume, since Mom takes my measurements each week to make sure that there's no mistake when she tailors the costume.
We run it once without the costumes. We don't have any water yet in the basin. But the boxes aren't bolted to the ground, so there is a chance if one person lands wrong, the box could slip from under their feet and they could get hurt. You're so clumsy, Lilliana. It's gonna be you who messes up on stage.
And of course, I jump on the basin, it moves forward. My ankle hits the side and I fall on my butt onto the ground. The world starts going into a tunnel briefly, and a pain shoots through my ankle.
I get up, not wanting to draw any more attention than I just have. I limp over to the producers. The pain slowly gets worse and worse. Ellie and Pressley come over to check on me.
"Are you okay?" Ellie asks me, and I shrug.
I feel close to crying. Crying is for babies, Lilliana. It makes you seem weak. You are weak, though, so who cares? I can't even stand anymore. I sit down and I look straight at the dancer's den, motioning for Mom to come down with glassy eyes. The dancers crowd around me as Mom comes into the studio.
"What happened?" she asks me.
"I jumped, and then I fell out of it," I reply, trying my absolute best to make my voice sound stable.
As Mom and Ms. Abby are discussing how I fell, Brady gets me some ice and a box. He gently props up the ankle onto the box and lays the ice over the ankle. I smile, silently thanking him as he joins the other dancers, who all are around Ms. Abby now.
"Remember, though, when you put your weight on something, it's like, when you're walking on ice outside, you step flat-footed, and you're flat-footed, and your weight is straight on top of your leg. If you do what Lilly just did, arching her foot, your heel's going to fall out from underneath you. If you flat-footed it, you're going to move forward," Ms. Abby explains to all of us.
You're not going to be able to dance and Ms. Abby is going to be disappointed in you. Brady helps me over to the producers as Mom decides that I need to wait out for twenty minutes before I can dance.
"Thank you," I whisper to him, giving him a formal thanks as I wince when he lifts my sore ankle up onto the box again.
"No problem, Lils. See you in twenty minutes, I guess," he whispers back and he quickly rejoins, leaving me to watch for twenty minutes.
After a long grueling twenty minutes of watching my friends dance, Ms. Abby wheels over to me to examine my foot. I bite my lip, anxiously waiting for her to clear me or not. She gives me a nod, a smile, and a costume.
"Your feet need work. They're a little big, if you know what I mean. And engage your core a bit more. It's getting squishy," Ms. Abby whispers before pushing me towards the door gently.
A wave of hurt and guilt crashes over me as I walk to the bathroom to put on the dress that acts like a belt for my other clothes. The words that Ms. Abby told me stabs me in the heart. You're such a disgusting, fat, slut who doesn't deserve to be on this team. You disappoint anyone or everybody. Nobody likes you because you're fat. You have to eat nothing. You have to say nothing. You just have to do your horrible dancing that apparently everybody likes.
I put on a fake smile and run back to run the dance with my teammates. After successfully running the dance, we hear the door open. It has to be JoJo. My excitement bubbles up as Ms. Jessalynn walks through the door.
"Hi! Welcome!" Ms. Abby greets the guest.
Where's JoJo at? I smile big anyway. It's nice to see a familiar face that I haven't seen in what seems like forever.
"You can say hello, guys," Ms. Abby tells us, and I get up from my knees to run up and give her a hug.
Unfortunately, everybody else makes it there first and I'm stuck behind Brady and Pressley, trying to find a window for me to look through behind them. Ugh, short girl problems.
"JoJo wanted to come, too, but she booked a last-minute job, so... she can't come. I'm so sorry, but I couldn't let you down. So I wanted to come and support you guys," Ms. Jessalynn reveals and my heart and head both drop.
She probably didn't want to come because she didn't want to see you, Lilliana. You're not worth her time. Suddenly, the metal back door opens and we all whip our heads around to see who or what is coming in. In comes a tall rainbow glitter bomb of a human, also known as JoJo! We all just start screaming and we all run up to hug her, joy and excitement filling all of our bones.
I only get to hug her for a short time before I have to move over closer to Brady so Ms. Gianna can hug JoJo. This is so exciting. JoJo. At the ALDC. Gia starts crying in joy.
"Are you crying?" JoJo asks and Gia nods.
"Why are you crying?" JoJo asks again and gives her an extra hug.
"I heard you all have some fun solos this week. Did you torture them with my solos?" JoJo inquires and Ms. Abby gives a sly smile and nods.
JoJo reveals, "See, when you leave the team and you come back, you're not scared of Abby anymore. And it's really fun."
Then why am I so scared of her? I left the team and I came back. That's because you're a weak baby, Lilliana. A weak baby that can't handle the truth when Ms. Abby yells at her and calls her names that she deserves. A fat dumb slut that can't even remember their basic multiplication sometimes. An annoying person that can't remember their directions whenever Ms. Abby choreographs something.
"Okay, we got to dance, we got to dance," Ms. Abby shouts.
"I wanna see dances, I wanna see!" JoJo speaks up, reminding me of when she was twelve.
"Alright, you're gonna stay here, and you're gonna give corrections," Ms. Abby says to JoJo.
"Sounds fun! It's fun to be on this side of things. I like it," JoJo comments boldly.
Ms. Abby hands me my straitjacket as JoJo nearly knocks a cheese wheel into her wheelchair. I take off my overalls reluctantly and the girls and Brady strap me in as I start to panic. I take a breath, shake my head and my ankle out, and do my solo for JoJo.
"Is that a real straitjacket?" JoJo asks me and I nod.
"Woahhhhhhh. I think it looks really good. When the music escalates, you have to escalate with your body and your arms. This needs to be so big and so overexaggerated," JoJo comments.
All I hear is, Failure, Lilliana. You're a failure. You can't even perform right for JoJo. How pathetic.
"All right, you go breathe. Elliana, go ahead," Ms. Abby tells me and I walk over to Sarah, who helps me out of the straitjacket, the panic that I've been feeling for the last five minutes going away.
I watch Elliana dance with a knife. Is it real? I hope not. I shuffle closer to Sarah when Ms. Abby starts yelling, my anxiety already sky-high from just the presence of the straitjacket.
"She's not getting better as a dancer," Ms. Abby says and Elliana breaks down.
JoJo pulls her aside for a pep talk and Ms. Abby takes the opportunity for Sarah to do her solo while Ellie recuperates.
After that's over, the producers force us to leave the room so they can bring the water in. We smash our heads in the glass pane to see what's going on. Once we're allowed in, we start filling the basins with water. We kneel down in front of our basins.
"Safety first. Do not get hurt. There's no time to re-block the number and put JoJo in it," Ms. Abby reminds us and we start dancing.
So many slip ups and mistakes, but safety. Brady doesn't land his Russian switch leap, but safety. The entire studio gets wet. It's a hot mess to put in blankly. You might as well drown yourself in the water because you won't be able to dance in it tomorrow, Lilliana.
The mothers are called down and they stand behind us, making sure not to slip on the studio floor.
"We're gonna be competing in Pittsburgh. I need you all to really step it up, and I'm not seeing that. I'm serious. This has to be amazing. Tomorrow, it's a party for JoJo, and it's a party for the fans coming to see her. But wouldn't it be nice if her millions of followers were also your fans? You can make that happen by being amazing when you step out on that stage. You can make a name for yourself. But not if you blow this routine. So don't let me down. But for now, Hannah, there's a surprise waiting for you in the dancer's den," Ms. Abby reveals and Hannah rushes over to the door.
We eagerly follow her and see... cupcakes. My heart drops. So many calories in a little bomb. So much sugar. All the other kids rush to get their cupcakes, and I grab a vanilla cupcake with pink vanilla frosting. I start shaking a bit and sit next to Brady.
Ms. Abby adds a candle to Hannah's cupcake and lights it up as we sing happy birthday to Hannah. If I make it to fourteen, it will be a miracle. You won't make it to fourteen if you eat the cupcake, Lilliana. Don't eat the cupcake or you'll gain twenty pounds.
"This is a weird lunch," JoJo comments and that makes everybody laugh except me.
How do I get out of this? Eat it and throw it up. A vanilla cupcake and vanilla frosting is 324 calories. Man, that's so much. Even after throwing up, I'll have gone over my calorie limit by 62 calories. I almost start crying and Brady notices. Crap.
"You good?" he mouths to me, and I hastily nod.
***brady***
She's not fine. I can see the way she looks at the cupcake. Fear. Panic. None of the moms or any adults for that matter notice the way she cringes and a tear almost slips down her cheek when she takes a very hesitant bite. But I notice.
Eventually, Lilly excuses herself to the bathroom and I do too so I can see if anything happens. I put my ear against the door and I hear retching and sobbing,
"So many calories. I'm sorry," I hear her whisper to herself and I can hear her sniffle before I hear the toilet flush.
That breaks me in two. She's like my little sister. I hate it. Why is she doing this to herself? I make my way over to Pressley as the adults and JoJo are talking.
"She just threw up the cupcake in the bathroom. I heard it and then she whispered that it was too many calories," I whisper, shivering at the recent memory and she swallows her cupcake bite, showing no emotion.
"Should we tell her mom?" I ask and she shrugs.
"No, I don't think so. Her mom won't believe it anyway," Pressley tells me and I nod.
***lilly***
My nose is bleeding again. The sugar makes my stomach sick despite it all being thrown up. My teeth are becoming a little more yellow. I feel lightheaded and nauseous. I wash out my mouth, my nose, and my hands before rejoining the others, only taking five minutes.
"I heard you guys have a blanket fort on your roof waiting for you! Go, go, go! I can't wait to see you guys compete tomorrow!" Ms. Jessalyn says to us and we say our chipper goodbyes, all chatting about JoJo.
Instead of me going with Gia and Elliana, me and Mom are going with Sarah and Ms. Michelle. We both get window seats, both of us lucky that we haven't gotten the sad sack of the middle. I don't know why, though. I don't join any conversation, though. I'm too nervous for the sleepover and if they're going to ask me anything.
Sarah comes over to our apartment. We have matching pink unicorn onesies. She goes first, taking a quick shower and changing into her pajamas. Man, I wish I could look like Sarah. She looks so skinny and perfect. You're so much fatter than Sarah, Lilliana. You shouldn't even be able to fit into the onesie.
I go next. The positive of being in Pittsburgh for the competition is I get to weigh myself. Beep. 62.5 pounds. Only three-tenths of a pound. I shouldn't have eaten that disgusting cupcake with its sugar and calories. Not wanting to take up much time, I take my shower and cut three deep cuts on the crease of my elbow this time so the badanage won't be visible on my wrist.
Another JoJo Siwa bandage. I feel the guilt of using JoJo to cover up the paint left over from my emotional release. I just saw her, like, a couple hours ago. I can't be guilty about this if I wanna continue. I shudder in discomfort, though, just thinking about it. I put on my unicorn onesie and I exit the bathroom. We grab our sleeping bags and my stuffed llama before we say goodbye to our mothers.
"Go up onto the roof and be safe. If anything bad happens, here is a spare key for both of you. Make sure you know your exits, don't do anything stupid, but most of all, have fun," Mom tells the two of us, handing me and Sarah a spare key.
It's a little odd seeing two children walking down in pink unicorn onesies to an elevator and going up to the roof. Luckily, it's just us in the elevator as we make the climb to the roof. When we walk up, we see a bunch of pink blankets hanging from wires adorned with fairy lights connected to some lampposts.
Hannah and Pressley are already there. We give them each a hug before starting to scroll through TikToks. Eventually, every kid slowly makes their way into the blanket fort. It's humongous, like I could almost do my solo in here. It has electric lanterns lighting the entire thing. The blankets acting as the wall are pale pink and the floor is covered in a white fluffy blanket.
I lay down my pink sleeping bag down on the floor next to Sarah's and Elliana's. Hannah suddenly leaves the tent and I raise my head and shiver from the tiny gust of cold wind.
"I got candy!" Hannah yells as she reenters the tent with a tray of candy.
***brady***
Once Hannah announces the arrival of candy, I see Lilly's face pale and her face is full of fear. She hesitantly grabs the two rolls of Smarties. They must be the safest option on the table. I grab a Snickers bar and I look at Lilly, who isn't participating in any conversation, just looking at the candy, slowly starting to slide it into her sleeping bag. I give a look to Pressley. Go time.
"So, you gonna eat those Smarties?" Pressley asks hesitantly, the other girls pretending to be engaged in conversation.
"No, you can have them. I'm still full from the cupcake," Lilly replies, handing her the two rolls of Smarties.
"Lies," I say, making the other girls stop and widen their eyes.
"What are you doing?" Hannah mouths, but I just keep going.
"What are you talking about?" Lilly asks, knowing she's been caught, and I feel a pang of sympathy for her.
"Lilly, I heard you puking up the cupcake in the bathroom, and then you whispered, 'So many calories,'" I announce, and Lilly looks so scared and crawls into Hannah's lap.
"Lilly, you've lost, like, fifteen pounds since you've gotten here, you've been throwing up, barely eating lunch, throwing your breakfast in the trash, and your clothes that used to fit you are so loose. What is going on? When's the last time you ate a full meal?" Elliana asks her.
She looks so scared and mortified. I have to remind myself that this is necessary. She's just going to become sicker if we do not do anything.
"You can't tell anybody. Not my mom, not your moms, not the producers, not Ms. Abby, nobody," Lilly whispers, starting to cry.
***lilly***
"We won't," Elliana replies.
"Promise?" I ask, extending a pinky out and Brady takes it, hooking his around mine, squeezing it in comfort.
"Just share as much as you're comfortable," Gia encourages me and I dry my eyes on my unicorn sleeve.
Hannah holds my hand. Don't tell them, Lilliana. They're gonna snitch on you and you'll be forced back into Nurse Charlotte's arms.
"I don't remember when I last ate a full meal. I have to be skinny. Food makes you gain weight. Simple as that," I say like it's casual table talk.
"That's anorexia," Hannah blurts out.
"How long have you done this for?" Pressley asks.
"Only a couple of weeks. I swear. But I don't want to get help. Don't take me to a hospital, please," I beg to all of them, my tears starting again.
"Why are you so afraid of hospitals?" Sarah asks and I just break down and whisper, "The straitjacket."
***elliana***
So much has been revealed in five minutes all because of Smarties. It's shocked me to the core. It's shocked everybody to the core. And now she just whispers, "The straitjacket," before burying her head in Hannah's sweater.
"What about the straitjacket?" Brady asks, the gears in Sarah's head turning in her head.
"I don't wanna talk about it. Remember, you promised. Don't tell," Lilly begs from us.
Before anybody can object, Hannah pipes up and says, "Ok, we won't tell and you don't have to share anymore. I know you're probably just scared right now. Let's go get some fresh air,"
She nods and awkwardly climbs out of the fort. We all climb out of the fort to talk without waking the poor girl up. We all sit on the chairs, but we somehow are missing one. Lilly climbs into Pressley's lap since she doesn't have a seat.
"So... that happened," Gia states and Lilly immediately breaks down into Pressley's sweatshirt.
"I mean, should we tell her Mom? Also what was about that straitjacket?" Sarah questions, pretending Lilly isn't crying right now.
"No! If we wanna find out more, we have to gain her trust. No telling anybody. And also for the straitjacket, let's just say she had a bad experience with one when she went into inpatient when she was nine," I reply.
"How much crud has this poor kid gone through?" Hannah asks, sniffling afterwards.
"Lots. So much. But just treat her like she's normal. We can ask her more after the competition," I tell everybody.
"I'm sleepy," Lilly whispers before falling asleep in Pressley's lap.
"Let's all go to bed. It's been a long day. Also happy birthday, Hannah," Brady suggests and Hannah smiles weakly.
"It's been the best and the worst one," she comments before we all go back to the fort, Brady carrying Lilly effortlessly.
"She looks so peaceful. I haven't seen her this way in a while," I mention quietly, and Hannah seconds that.
We get Lilly situated in her sleeping bag before we all go to bed, all of us needing to process what has been a very eventful and long day.
~~~~~