It's 8:00 am, which means Tommy has been on shift for exactly two hours. That's two hours with one phone call and countless texts. The texts are more on my end. Pictures of breakfast, Mia cracking the eggs and attempting to roll his burrito, and a pretty on point video of Mia and me dancing to Girls Just Want to Have Fun. Yeah, okay, maybe that one was a bit much, but I'm pretty sure he still enjoyed it. I even snuck in a photo of Stella watching the madness. She seems a bit concerned.
When the gentle knock on the door sings through the house, both Mia and I jump like a couple of school girls. Mia grabs the plate with the breakfast burrito, complete with a fruit flower, courtesy of Mia, while I grab the fresh coffee.
Last night was a lot. I've grown used to the scare antics and degrading words thrown my way by that man, but Tommy hasn't. He's never actually seen what Vince does. And the fact that he restrained himself to only hitting Vince once, shows me the kind of man Tommy is. He's stronger, better. Add to that the fact that Tommy was the one left feeling guilty after everything makes him a damn saint.
When Tommy got up for work this morning, he didn't feel comfortable leaving. He was trying his best to convince me to let him call in sick, but I couldn't let him. My past is always going to be there. I can't keep altering my life, or his, because of what might happen. Our compromise was that he would stop by every other hour, call in between, and I would make sure to check in throughout the day. It may seem like a bit much, but Vince is still here, and he's angry. A bruised face and an even bigger bruised ego isn't going to sit well with him. I know that. Tommy knows that.
I know that I'm safe in my house. That all I have to do is refuse to answer the door if he shows up, but I also know the worry that is racing through Tommy at the moment. If checking in is going to keep his mind at ease and his focus on his job, then by all means, check in. Besides, it's not so bad when I get to see him all day long.
When I swing the door open, that smile of his fills the entire room. Mia is the first one to spring forward.
"We made you breakfast!" she jumps, the burrito nearly tumbling from the plate.
"You did?" he smiles, reaching for the plate before swooping her up in his other arm. "This looks amazing. Did you make it all yourself?"
"No, Mommy helped. But I did a lot," she proudly states.
His smile falls to me as I hold up the coffee. "Breakfast and caffeine as promised."
"You two are amazing," he exhales as he walks further into the house. He slowly sets Mia down by the table as he turns to me. Mia chases Stella outside, his eyes following the two of them, watching as they make their exit before pulling me in for a hug. "Everything's okay?" he whispers against me.
"Yes, everything is good."
He nods before taking a small step back. There's still a slight tense in his jaw, his eyes on alert. I can tell he won't fully relax until he's off work. Until he can actually be here with us.
"How about you?" I begin, bringing his eyes back to mine. "How's the hand?"
His eyes drop to inspect the damage as he opens and closes his fingers. It's only slightly swollen and he seems to be moving it okay, at least as far as I can see.
"It's okay," he says quietly, his words not quite filling the space around us.
I take a small step forward, softly gliding my fingers across the limited damage. When he doesn't wince, I move my hand to his chest, placing it over his heart. "And how is everything else?"
His eyes lock on mine, holding them there without saying anything while saying everything. He's concerned, he's still sorry even though he has nothing to be sorry for, and he's hurting for me, for the unknown. But there's also a lot of love in those deep blues of his. And that's what I decide to focus on.
"You know, I think I could get used to this whole you stopping by thing," I smile, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Yeah?" he leans in, pressing his lips to mine, a bit of that tension falling from his shoulders. "Me too."
I pull him back against me, deepening the kiss for just a moment longer, savoring the way his tongue glides across mine, and memorizing the feel of his hands along the skin just below the hem of my shirt.
When he pulls away, I can't help the quiet groan that leaves my lips. Such a tease. The darker shade in his eyes tells me I'm not the only one left wanting more. Instead, we just hold one another for a bit longer. Hold onto this moment, reassuring each other that everything is okay.
He's able to eat about half of his breakfast before he's called to leave. Both Mia and I stand at the door, watching him pull away. Mia leans against my side as I wrap an arm around her, both of us watching our favorite person sail down the street. But I know he'll be back. He'll always come back, so I start the countdown for his next visit.
At ten, we had a banana and blueberry smoothie waiting for Tommy. Mia also decorated the front window with various pictures she spent the last hour coloring just for him. She doesn't quite understand the reasons behind his frequent visits, but she's found a way to make a whole day out of it. She knows every two hours he's going to stop by, so she's come up with a whole itinerary of things to do.
She insisted a smoothie would be a perfect to go snack in case he had to leave quickly on a call. I think the art started as a way to pass the time but after the first picture, she devised a plan to give him a big welcome. Hence the window now covered in art. A window Tommy immediately commented on, which created the proudest smile on Mia's face. The trip was complete with Mia giving Tommy a drawing of the three of us and Stella to keep with him at work. That proud smile quickly shifted to his face as he took it with him.
I sent him off with yet another tantalizingly passionate kiss which only made me beg for this day to be over. Let me just say, being pressed up against a cop car, even if for the briefest of moments, has a way of getting you going.
At noon, Mia insisted that I make the exact same lunch for her as we made Tommy last night. Since he is going to be here to eat it, she wanted to be able to have a picnic together out back. So, I placed a rather delicious looking peanut butter and jelly sandwich in an Anna and Elsa ziplock, dropped it into a brown sack that was colored in stickers, and topped it off with apple slices and a bag of chips. Mia also made sure to sneak in a chocolate pudding cup just like she did for Tommy.
Even Stella joined in the excitement, her and Mia standing side by side looking at the front door in anticipation. I couldn't help but snap a picture and send it off with the caption your girls are waiting.
Like clockwork, and in complete Tommy fashion, he showed up at exactly noon, lunch in hand. The trip entailed a very enthusiastic dog, a lunch date between him and Mia out back, and a tour of his patrol car, which Mia can't seem to get enough of. She's been in it before, but somehow each time seems to be even more exciting. She always finds something new to ask a question about.
It's now approaching two and the house smells of sugar and chocolate. This one was definitely Mia's idea. She wanted to make something sweet for this next visit because according to her, he needs dessert after lunch. It's not like I tried to argue.
When my phone chimes instead of a knock at the door, I know that he's running behind. Tommy doesn't like to be late. If he's held up, he's going to let me know. Seeing his name across my screen confirms my thoughts.
Tommy: Hey I'm caught up but Jimmy is going to stop by ok?
I'm about to tell him we're fine, that we've spent the last hour baking cookies and making a complete mess of the kitchen, when I realize that he needs this. I know how much it's killing him leaving things the way he did with Vince and now leaving Mia and me here alone. He needs to know we're okay, he needs to know he's doing everything he can to make sure we stay that way.
So, instead of telling him to let Jimmy off the hook, I acknowledge his efforts.
Amber: Okay see you when you get off😘
His next visit will be the end of his shift, something I'm very ready for. This whole brief visit thing has been fun, especially for Mia, but I'm ready just to hold him again.
Tommy: Yeah. I have a couple things to close out but I'll be there by 4:30 okay?
Amber: I'm going to hold you to that
I know he won't be late, and if he is, it will be out of his control, in which case, I'll be getting a call. Punctuality is his thing.
Tommy: I'm never late, baby
Amber: We'll see
Tommy: I love you
How he can make me smile just by reading a simple text is beyond me.
Amber: I love you too
When there's a knock on the door, I can't help but grab a tray of freshly baked cookies as I saunter over. Of course, the plan was to let Tommy walk away with a stomach full of sweets, but Jimmy is just as deserving for going out of his way to make a house call.
"Hey Jimmy," I say before actually laying eyes on him.
I can hear his laugh sailing through the door as I pull it all the way open. His eyes quickly locking onto the tray in my hand.
"For me? You shouldn't have," he beams, already reaching for a cookie.
"Well, technically, we didn't."
"Expecting a way less handsome cop at your door?" he laughs before shoveling the cookie into his mouth.
I just give him a side glance before stepping aside and allowing him to come inside. He takes two strides in as Mia comes barreling around the corner, eyes wide with excitement. As soon as she sees Jimmy, she freezes, looking at me.
"Mia, this is Jimmy. He works with Tommy," I smile, letting her know it's okay.
"Where's Tommy? We made him cookies. I made a special star one for him," her eyes drop.
Jimmy's eyes slowly glance at me before he takes a step forward. "Hey, can I tell you something?" he bends to a knee in front of her. "Tommy called me, personally requested that I give you this." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a sticker. "Now, I know you probably have a hundred of these lying around, but this one is extra special," he smiles, peeling the gold badge off of the paper backing.
"What makes it special?" Mia asks.
He slowly reaches out to place it on her chest. "This one is from Tommy. He said he needed another good guy on his side today. Said you would know what that meant."
Her smile ignites as her hand rests on the shiny badge on her chest. Her head quickly begins to nod. "I do. Can you tell him something for me?"
"I sure can."
"Can you tell him I'm on the case?"
He chuckles as a smile creeps across my face at the Paw Patrol reference, one of her and Tommy's current Sunday morning favorites.
"I will make sure he knows," he smiles before standing.
Mia takes off to the backyard as I direct Jimmy toward the kitchen to offer something to drink.
"What was that all about?" I ask.
"No idea," he shrugs, grabbing another cookie. "Just following orders."
"Orders huh?" I ask with a knowing smirk.
I can see the realization of his words hitting him now as he drops his head. "Yeah, let's not tell him I said that, huh? He'll have a fucking heyday with that one."
I can't help but laugh. "Your secret's safe with me."
"So, you guys are good though? Nothing to be concerned about?"
"We're good. It's been quiet. Just trying to keep busy, keep Mia busy."
He nods, accepting a glass of lemonade before taking a seat at the counter. "I know he's making this a big deal, but he really loves you two."
"I know," I smile.
He glances out the slider, watching Mia chase Stella in circles across the grass. "When you're in our line of work," he continues, bringing his eyes back to me. "You see a lot of shit. Does things to your head. He's just-"
"I know, Jimmy. He's worried. He's doing the only thing he can to protect us. But really, we're okay. The door is locked. I'm being more cautious than normal, and I'm checking with him as much as he's checking on us."
He nods, a smile on his face now. "You make him better, you know that?"
A soft shade of red creeps across my cheeks as I smile again. "He makes me better too."
After Jimmy leaves, I know the next check in will be Tommy coming home, so I begin cleaning up the mess in the kitchen and tidying a few things from our festivities today.
I decided to start dinner a little early so that we can take Mia for ice cream after. It's been quite a day and I think we all deserve a little outing.
I pull the noodles off the stove and turn to pour the boiling water in the sink. The steam is billowing out around my face as I hear the subtle knock at the door, the very one I've been waiting for. I look to ask Mia to answer it this time but when I don't see her or Stella in the living room, I know they've snuck off to her room.
Placing the pot on the counter, I decide to take advantage of the tiny moment alone and nearly skip to the door, ready to throw myself into his arms and remind him that he's late, for no other reason than to mess with his need to be on time. And he didn't even check in this time to let me know he was running behind. That sounds like grounds for punishment. The very thought exciting a sinful part of me.
I take one more brief glance down the hall, making sure Mia is still in her room before reaching for the door handle and swinging it open.
"You're la-"
"Hi, Amber," his voice slices through the air, ripping any remaining oxygen left in my lungs. His hair is splayed out in various directions, his clothes a bit disheveled, and his face tomato red. The glossed over look in his eyes stares back as a wicked smile pulls at his lips.
My brain snaps back into the reality of who is staring back at me as my hands grip the door, frantically pulling to slam it in his face. My movements are too slow though as Vince's foot jets into the crack.
There's a heavy push against the door, causing me to fall back as he easily takes another two steps inside and slams the door behind him. My eyes leave his for a brief moment to check the clock. Tommy's still late. Late means he'll be here any second. Late means he'll burst through that door at any moment and keep us safe. Late means he isn't here. Late means he might not make it in time.
"Vince," the word comes out hesitant, fearful. I need it to be strong. I need it to hold its ground. "You shouldn't be here right now."
He takes another step forward as I take one back. "What happened to us? I mean we were happy, weren't we?" he slurs, his voice laced with sadness.
I try to find my footing, to take a few breaths between answers. Stall. I need to keep him talking, to draw out this moment as long as possible so that Tommy can get here.
"I was happy, Vince. But that was a long time ago. You have to know that, right?" I ask, hoping to start a conversation, a rant, anything.
His feet seem to keep edging closer to me, one lazy step at a time. "No...no," he shakes his head, the anger beginning to show above the sadness. "You were happy. I gave you everything you wanted."
I nod, my eyes searching for the time once again.
He should be here.
"What did you give me, Vince?"
"You wanted space and I gave you that, right?" He takes another step, his hand flying through the air before dropping to his side. My heart seems to make the same motion. "I let you sleep around, get all your little fantasies met. And now it's time to come home."
An unsteady breath leaves my lips as I keep my eyes connected to his. Strength. I've grown stronger in the last few months than I ever knew I was capable of. I could back down right now. I could cave and resort back to old methods. Agree with everything he's saying and let him think he's won until Tommy gets here. But that's not me anymore. I don't want to bow down to him even one last time. So I don't.
"I am home, Vince."
His face scrunches and his hand squeezes into a fist. My heart pounds against its walls, aching to break free from its confinement as my chest rises and falls at its quickened pace. One that it hasn't had to feel in a while.
Strength. I'm stronger now.
His laugh rattles my walls, threatening to destroy the sturdy material standing there. Because that laugh of his isn't the cheery contagious kind. It's the bone chilling one. The one that has my body tensing.
"You call this a home?" He gestures around the room. "Come on, Amber. You're squeezed into this tiny place, working two jobs and barely spending time with our daughter. This isn't a home. I can give you a home." He's pleading, and he's angry.
I shake my head, taking a small step back and fighting off the tears that want to fall. I will not cry over him, not anymore. "No," I whisper. "You can't give me a home."
He takes another step forward, but I take one back. Trying my best to keep the space firm between us.
"I can't? Because I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I've done. I've worked my ass off so you didn't have to!" His voice is louder now, causing my body to jump.
This is normally when I cave. This is when I give in and agree with him, begin to settle him. But I can't do that anymore. I won't lie down and play dead. "Vince, you gave us a roof, but you never gave us a home. I'm happy here, can't you see that? Can't you see that you and I, what we had, it wasn't healthy."
In one quick stride, his hands slam against my shoulders as he presses me up against the wall. I don't have time to react or try to avoid him. His body is firm against mine, the thick aroma of alcohol surrounding me now. My body flinches, tries to move from the wall, but his grip is sturdy. Strong.
"I can't lose you," he says now, only inches from my face as his hand slides along my arm. "I won't lose you, Amber."
With one shaky breath, I look into his glossy eyes. "You already have."
My head is quickly whipped to the side as pain slices across my cheek. I go to reach for my face when he grabs my wrist, slamming it back to my side.
"I haven't lost you," his breath plays against my neck. "I refuse to let you go, you hear me?"
I swallow the tears that try again to fall, taking one more deep breath to calm the quickening, frantic ones before it.
"Vince," I begin, panting again. "You don't get to make that decision, not anymore."
His hand quickly clings to my throat, squeezing tightly around me. The water begins rapidly building behind my eyes as my arms grip his, trying to rip him off me. His legs push into mine, holding them tightly in place, taking away any other potential limbs I could use to fight him off. This position here, when he's got me against the wall, is when I feel the most helpless. I can't move, I can't fight back, I'm at his disposal. And I will not use my body to calm him, never again, no matter the consequences.
"You're still my wife. I still make the decisions. And if I say I'm not ready to let you go, then you better fucking be ready to stay." He lifts me from the wall, his hand still clinging to my neck as he throws me to the floor in one heavy thrust.
I slam into Mia's dollhouse on my way down, creating a loud crash as it shatters beneath me. Before hitting the floor, my head ricochets against something solid, causing an instant throb across my skull. Everything becomes fuzzy for a brief moment as a veil of black falls in front of my eyes. It's quick before it lifts, revealing a very unfocused room. I don't wait for the pieces to come back together before quickly crawling away, attempting to add space between us as my body finally gasps for the air it was so desperately craving.
Before I can get too far, he is suddenly on top of me, restraining my limbs with his body, pushing down on my stomach so it can no longer expand. With every exhale, there's no room to fill it back up with air.
"I gave you everything. Everything, Amber. And this is how you repay me? By screwing some cop and then taking my daughter from me? You must think you're so fucking smart getting the law on your side. Well guess what, I have friends too. Better ones. Let me just paint you a little picture, huh?"
The pressure behind my eyes builds with every second of limited oxygen.
He'll be here soon.
"Your only fight for custody is this little theory that I'm dangerous, right? And your only proof of that is the few cops that have been to our home? Who left without any evidence of your so called claims. You know what I find convenient in all of that?"
I gasp for a breath as the fuzzy black dots begin dancing across my vision, my head throbbing with every flash of light.
Just hold on.
"The first cop to come to our house just so happens to be the very one you're still screwing. You just made it too damn easy, Amber. Dirty cop, using his badge for his own agenda. Making sure multiple cops were called to our home so you and him could run away together, take my kid with you. I think my story carries a lot more proof than yours, don't you think?"
I open my mouth, but I don't have the lung capacity to actually produce any words. His knee digs in deep now, his hand clinging to my throat to cut out any last bit of air fighting to sneak in.
Just a few more minutes.
"So what will it be, Amber? Come home, keep Mia. Or, not only lose her for good, but destroy his entire career in the process?"
I open my mouth to try and speak again, but the words won't come out. There's nothing left in me. The fight has diminished, my muscles out of strength, my body falling limp.
He's too late.
Instead of responding, or attempting to soothe the blaring anger behind his words, my body gives up as the hazy ring around the room narrows, continuing to cave until it collapses.
Until everything stops.
Until my world slips into darkness and it all falls silent.
~~~